tainted_soul

i have been back in school for four days. i hate every second more than i have anything else in life. sometimes i wish i could just start walking and never look back.

alas, i think this will be my last post on this site, until i fall on hard times again (it'll happen). if you still want to read some of my crap, i'm on link removed, username "lukewarm".

i'll miss a couple people on here, i know, but i'll leave you with this.

"lobotomies save lives"

she hit her head on a rock, they said

but everyone knew she could swim

often by herself she walks,

pensive and serene

a transcendental girl she was

she woke from her dream

from one life to the next

from the harmless world, created.

for some broken piece of mind

mended with popsicle sticks, she was

a steward of the still-life lifestyle

she called back home, she spoke

with a siling's sibilation

of the perfect plastic perjury

through which she wandered, without purpose

an inconstant girl she was

she sang a song

that no one heard

no one now has come

locked in her jewelry-box

long since lost

in the morgue's vault of ticker-tape wrongs

a creature of quiet solitude, she was

the air is still weighted with her words

her visitors began to fade

and as the years passed into days

so did she

now lost in herself she lies

calm and empty as the darkened carpet bedrooms

a terminal girl, she was

a visceral girl, she was

a sensual girl, she was

the girl i loved, she was

i need more

of...

one thing, everything

all my dreams, they don't mean

what you want, what you got

what it is, what it's not

you take one thing

i'll kill your dreams

wait up, slow down

i've hit, the ground

come back, so long

one more, i'm gone

you take, my pain

i'll pour, the rain

some things, are left

for your, best dress

i keep, this by

my side, i cry

when you, don't speak

i steal, heartbeats

i can't, stop time

one last, night drive

birds dead, the air

moon blows, your hair

can't stop this from running on

i've been gone for way too long

can't stop time by standing still

break from life i never will

i can't stop time

for you

(i wish i could)

i accept your reservations

rennovating crumbling chambers

under under never saying

softly naiads bleed the water

now in time eternal bliss

leave you cold without her kiss

there was never a place like this

now we stop, in time we miss

please don't tell her

i never hurt her

i never felt her

i never broke her

not like you would

i should stop you

you're the one who's hurting her

it's your fault

all your fault

would you please turn off the god damn TV

you want good song lyrics? i'll give ya god song lyrics (though i liked that first one, never heard it)

anyway, here's from Funeral For a Friend

"Waking Up"

Is a lie just the truth

Uncovered and relinquished

A passion for all young fools

Is a lie just the truth

A question left unanswered

To feed the failure of our choices

And in my hands our blood recovered

And for our faith we're undeserved

And in my hands our blood recovered

And in your faith completely

Do we wait all this time

And follow blindly hating

Killing all that we survey

Do we hate all this time

And let our anger lead us

Lead us to our bitter end

Your wasting our time (turn the lights out when you leave)

When everything's said and done

We're dead and buried

And will this never end

I'm tired of all this walking

And if this never ends

I'll walk until my feet are bleeding

F*F*A*F

mm i can't get to sleep lots of times. sometimes it's anxiety but often i'm really tired and everything and i just don't fall asleep for hours. if that's your problem, i would recommend just playing a cd real low (no headphones, you'll wrap yourself up in them and drag your stereo off tha shelf). seriously, usually i'll fall asleep before the end of the cd. but it needs to be something like coldplay or nirvana or whatever.... nothing brand new that you'll actually pay attention to the lyrics and music, something you know.

but umm, ok. most often the reason that i can't fall asleep is cause just when i'm dozing off i'll feel bugs crawling accross my skin.(like gnats or fruit flies or something) this has been going on for months. now, i actually did find some bugs flying around, but i killed them all and i haven't seen any in about a month... i'm starting to wonder if there's really any bugs there, but when i feel them crawling i try just to ignore it, like it's just an itch, but it doesn't go away, and i can definitely feel something moving around.....this is driving me nuts, and i'm not joking.

you need a rest. some escape.

i sucked

the moon

i spoke

too soon

and how much did

it cost?

i was dropped from

moonbeams

and sailed

on shooting stars

maybe you'll

be president

but know

right from wrong

or in the flood you'll

build an ark

and sail us to the moon

1967

I missed the times I was

I lived back then I my mind I was

I lived in singing song sigh

Sing me songs to soothe my silence

They sang the songs that made sense

Their words

No egotist said

No one

Thought a bit bad

Was good when good was good was bad

A time when things made more sense

They haven't been the same since

I live in echoes long past

The past I took it out to rent

When colors still made more sense

Everyone knew what it meant

The words from living off

And I

Know

You wanted to say

Something, something I know

that it got lost along the way

will it ever come again

it only came once before

(i only saw it in the store)

and as I try to bring it back

it seems I can't move on

in silence

the walls begin to bleed

when everyone has stopped

and everyone is moving

and everything is still

and the silence

can't be heard

and you start to wonder

whether they notice it

because everyone is so still

and everything is so dark

a voice starts to say things in the background

and you feel the floor

cold or carpet

you cannot tell

someone falling

like the world

falling away

and someone somewhere whispers to another

"something somewhere secretly suffers"

and you fall

no longer hearing

no longer seeing

no longer feeling

what you've never felt before

to go

where there is no comfort

where the sick cry out in pain

and the silence

fills the void

to close your eyes

and no longer feel ...

so numb

it's a very sad and lonely poem...

it makes you feel.

not much on here, or even very many poems at all, have made me feel that much despair. it's different, especially the wording. it doesn't make sense, literally... yet you understand it, like disjointed thoughts, like something deeper that you can just barely glimpse... it is, above all, an excellent poem.

(they should pay you money to publish it)

yeah i like it... i can't explain it, but i get it. definitely dark, and powerful. keep going...

once a main man

a maimed man

said to me

on toast and jam

on roast and lamb

"everyone makes mistakes.

the secret is to-"

at this point,

he was suddenly mauled by

several large grizzly bears

working in a coordinated effort

so you decide

was he killed by

God or Satan?

Ok heres the deal.

 

I do not claim to be an expert in anything cos I am not BUT I dont think it takes an expert to say this.

 

if you want a rush smoke weed or drop E!!

OR you could do like me and try both at the same time!!! that's seriously great advice there. do drugs. wtf?

and round here, if we're talkin bout the same thing, it's called X.

seriously um.... i dunno. don't try drugs they just get you low afterwards and you usually end up cutting. so... i think maybe we do need an expert.

just follow depressedone's advice, i think. don't do the cold turkey method. don't make someone force you to stop cold turkey. i just like saying "cold turkey." cold turkey!

keep your sense of humor

thank god someone responded, and thanks.

my last poem didn't even get a response. i'm in the dark here as to what anyone thinks at all. tell me you hate it, i don't care. just please someone give me some feedback? it seems like the stuff that i make up on the spot people like but the stuff that i actually work on no one even gives me an answer.

well, i know you said you aren't going to look at this topic anymore. fine. i'm not going to be dissed like that, though.

first off, i made up no statistics.

secondly, i had no statistics mentioned about people who SI. just in comparison to the people who are "diagnosed" with BPD.

third, i am not in denial here. i do realize, and if you read my actual post, you would realize, that i said that cutting does mean that there is something wrong with that person's coping skills.

you, on the other hand, for some reason are now saying that because they didn't learn the accepted way to cope, that they are mentally ill. and i can think of very few things as stigmatized as BPD, schizophrenia and alzheimers aside. the reason is that people who actually have BPD often cannot maintain a trusting relationship with a counselor or therapist. hence, they are often shunned.

you think i lack education when it comes to SI? ok, you don't know me.

it seems that you are not so much trying to promote knowledge and healing, but more to impose your opinions about SI and suicide.

as to the idea that i suggested in actual response to the subject of this topic, that people deny anything is wrong to have control through cutting and suicide, yes, that leads to suicide. of course it does. i never said it didn't. i'm not advocating SI or suicide. i'm simply offering my own ideas, and yeah they're a little morbid. we're discussing suicide here for chrissake.

it seems that you have your opinions about SI and suicide because you simply do not want to have to deal with those kind of people and choose, instead, to label them mentally ill, ship them off, and wash your hands of the whole thing.

oh, one more thing. if you want me to take you for a person whose brain cells cannot be counted on one hand, do not call me "hon" again.

ok, now i'm pissed.

Sigh, let's get one thing straight. self-harm is a result of borderline personality disorder about 25% of the time. you seem to be making the assumption that self harm is almost assuredly a result of a personality disorder or other mental illness.

borderline personality disorder is wrongly diagnosed about 75% of the time. for those who get that horrible label, it's a continuous cycle of being shunted from one psychologist to another, because of the stigma, which only worsens the problem, and because people with the actual disorder (a whole 2% of the worldwide population) have a history of not responding to therapy.

self harm, yes, happens because people ay have faults at the basis of their character. it's hard for me to admit that. but for the most part it's true. people don't have the mental ability to cope with life the way they should. but it's not a result of mental illness. saying that is base generalization, categorizing, and just throws an added layer of stigma on to the people already suffering.

yes it is partly about control. it's about coping and not having a mental breakdown. it's about stopping or replacing pain for something else, be it a percieved calm or numbness that will supposedly come from death or another, easier to deal with pain.

if people that are hurting so much that they harm themselves already are told that they have some sort of disorder, that it's not going to get better, that they are sick or beyond help, if you give them the added stigma of mental illness, then those who already feel like they have lost control will truly become lost, feeling that they really do have no control, not even over their own mind. thinking that, you might want to kill yourself. so i would strongly restrain myself from telling people that their problems are the result of a seemingly uncontrollable disease, especially one so devastating as borderline personality disorder.

he doesn't know, doesn't know

why she wants him to care

why she wants him to listen

(he'll solve all her problems)

he doesn't know, doesn't know

why she can't figure this out on her own

if she already knows the answer

and she doesn't know, doesn't know

why she married this motionless man

who won't even listen when she talks

who'll solve all her problems

and leave her cold-hearted

whose foot cracks with age when he walks

and he doesn't know, doesn't know

why she thinks that he has no respect

he's never done anything wrong

thank god that his brain cells have long been destroyed

and he whistles one more off-tune song

he doesn't know

what he's s'posed to show

and he laughs at her stupid complaints

and he doesn't know

that she's packing to go

while her heartbeat is not yet so faint

well i've stumbled accross this a little after the fact, but i'm going to say something anyway, mainly because i'm bored.

You have all the major symptoms of manic-depression (or bipolar)

the periods of depression combined with the periods of acting-out are really pretty obvious signs. like everyone's been so concerned about on here, this ain't no diagnosis. this is opinion with the tiniest bit of previous research.

i'm just going to concentrate on the manic part of this since depression is well-known and pretty much the same for both bipolar and depression.

the signs you've listed

1. feelings of invincibility, inflated self-esteem

2. unusual and extravagant sexual behaviour (increased libido, increased sexual activity blah blah blah you get the picture)

3. destructive behaviour, taking risks, poor judgement

a. DRUG ABUSE what some people on here don't seem to get is that drug abuse is a common symptom of bipolar disorder. in the end it makes it worse, as drugs influence hormones and just pretty much screw you up.

so i think yeah go to a doctor.

i agree that you probably have some form of depression, though you describe it more as boredom instead of guilt or worthlessness, the reason i think that is because you say you have no motivation for things you normally enjoy.

i can't tell from your post exactly when you are feeling depressed...if you are always feeling depressed in the fall and winter then it is possible that you have a form of depression called seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

being depressed is different than having depression. everyone gets depressed every now and then. if you are depressed for no reason, or if you are depressed beyond rational explanation over little things, then you should think about talking to someone about it.

well, whatever you do, don't take it out on yourself, people don't like that....and don't take it out on other people, people don't like that....and don't take it out on the trees in your backyard, people don't like that, either.

so, basically, you have a lot of anger, with no real focus (that's what i got out of the whole thing, correct me if i'm wrong). sometimes anger can build up from just everything that you have to deal with, little things here and there (or all the time). after a while, with those little things, you start to feel like you have no control over your life. my reaction is being real pissed off. cause that sucks. and you feel guilty(which can make you feel alternately depressed and angry) because you can't find any reason for being angry and there's nothing to (logically) take it out on, so you just bottle it up till you can't anymore, and then whatever's handy becomes the target for all that anger.

well, here's my advice, take it or leave it. if what i just said has any relevance to what you're feeling, then probably (probably) you need to take a step back and identify all the little things, and make a decision about whether they really matter to you. if you're trying to conform to everyone's little expectations, the littlest thing can make you feel like you've screwed up big. if you put so much importance on not making mistakes, then the tiniest thing can seem like you've ruined your life, and a big mistake can make you feel like the world's ending and you might as well die. and that ain't no fun.

all this is really trying to get to the root of the problem, and it's all really just a shot in the dark (i hate cliches....ugh). i'm probably way off.

also, figuring out the above could take a lot of time. if you want to stop hurting people (and yourself) then you need to find something to focus all your excess anger on, no matter where it comes from. something harmless. excercise, something to hit, a hobby to distract yourself....listening to coldplay never hurts. find what works for you.

we all grow dead and cold

while fake houses house fake faces

and paranoia still creeps

over a child playing in the naked street

with the ease of uncertainty

staring transfixed

as cement trucks scratch the sidewalks

blood drips from the finger tips

i'm sure you're not here

to hear me out

please don't shout

shaking cold with fear

what's understood

hanging by their skin

they don't get what they won't

they hate those that walk free

you're sure i'm not sure

why we are, never know

how it was supposed to end

how it was supposed to go

i'm so sorry for

whatever is was that i did

whatever it was i said

the little shadows are gathering again

viscious little [word edited by kamurj]

it doesn't matter how you kill them

they'll be back

i thought it was good. it was very deep. i thought it was going to be heretical or screligious, but it's not at all, it actually has way more meaning than any run of the mill "praise god" church hymn, and it's something to think about as well. i think that it's a great poem to share with people, the kind i wish i saw more often. seriously, it's good, keep at it man.

i wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend...

i like it, i can relate to the feelings it expresses, the searching for something you'll never find and also because it's different, it rages against the unjust while at the same time thanking those that were there and remembering happier moments in time, and i love the way it ends with a little hint of dare and dark humor that's enough to make a lot of people take a wide-eyed step back. it's unique and well-done, and it draws you in, very powerful imagery. excellent.

wanting to be depressed is not insane. none of it is insane. though i've always thought that being insane would be nice.

and i quote the song "Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle"

i miss the comfort in being sad

sounds like you're depressed...and anxious.....

so somehow you've got depression and anxiety at the same time.

plus i think maybe you need to sit down and sort out your priorities. you can never please everyone all the time, and if your goal in life is to please everyone then you will end up losing who YOU are for other people. and you WILL end up depressed when you don't even know who you are or what you want. and people won't respect you if you aren't your own person. watching everything go by you isn't fun at all. take some time out, relax, then set some serious goals, about what YOU really want to do. don't hold back just because you're afraid of what other people think. if they don't like you for who you are, they're not your friends in the first place. do it NOW! cause like Canada said, time is slipping away.