stacy2

I think I'm going to hop back on the NC train. After 35 days of NC (and 35 days post BU), he contacted me and it knocked me back a few steps in my healing process... so it's time again for me to go back to NC so I can get back to healing and moving forward with my life. So day 3, it is.

Day 37 so depressed, Zero interest in dating when it comes right down to, it why bother? just to feel this again ugh!

At day 37 everything is still pretty fresh, some people are able to get right back into the dating scene while it takes longer for others (me included), so hang in there. It's been 37 days for me since the break-up and I can't imagine seriously dating anyone else yet either, but once we get past the pain of our past relationships we'll both find ourselves interested in other people again and wanting to date. It's all part of the process!

I wish you were assertive enough to just be like "hey, i'm coming over tonight"... screw this small talk bs, I just want to see you.

I miss your boobs. They were perfect, literally. Shallow I know, but whatever.

Haha! This made me laugh.

Soooo after 35 days of strict NC, he finally swallowed his pride and contacted me. Haven't decided whether or not I'm going to respond at this point. Part of me doesn't feel strong enough yet.

I finally lost track of what day it is, and it's currently 5pm and it's the first time I have thought about him all day. Progress? I think so.

Day 32

...still counting the days. I have the day off today so I've been thinking about you a lot. Last night a friend of mine was talking to one of your friends on the phone who she used to date. I wanted so bad to grab the phone from her and ask about you, what you are up to, who you are seeing, what you told everybody about the break up. But, I didn't. I can't see you on facebook anymore, so I really have no idea of knowing, it's killing me. The only thing that is stopping me from contacting you now is the possibility that you are seeing someone else. And I feel like I can't get the answers I need from your friends or other people because I don't want people to think I actually care as much as I do or that I'm still hung up on this whole thing. It's a pride thing, so instead I haven't brought your name up once.

Amen Stacy. I was under the false presumption that once I got a few weeks in, it would be easier, when in fact, I'm quite certain, at the 1ish month mark, it's actually harder. It's harder for me now rather than the first week because I had a feeling she might contact me in the first few weeks... that never happened, so now its like you say, just looking for ego validation. I feel like for all I know, she's been emotionally/physically cheating for months, and moved on without saying a word. The other times we split she always tossed bread crumbs if nothing else. Even though they were confusing at times, they did seem to soothe the ego a bit.

Yeah, I'm right there with you. The first few weeks I wasn't worried because I figured I would at least hear something from him at some point especially considering he still has a few of my things. In my case though, I'm pretty sure he is seeing someone else so that explains a lot. It is a lot harder when the hope is gone and you are forced to accept things for what they are. I had imagined these 30 days going down a lot differently, but I guess at this point I just have to keep going until he's no longer a part of my thoughts.

And I mean, at least we still have our pride, right? We should be pretty proud of ourselves for getting through a month of no contact. Hang in there, from what you mentioned I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from her any day now!

Day 30.

This was a lot easier when I still had hope. Now, I don't really know where to go from here. I still think about you a ton... I guess day 60 will be my next goal.

I honestly think just a simple text from you, even just saying "hi", would be enough for me to heal my bruised ego and get some sort of closure and move on. It just hurts to feel so forgettable, or disposable to you... as if nothing we shared even mattered. I guess I just want you to act or pretend like you care, acknowledging my existence and how much you hurt me would be enough. I just need something.

Today has been really hard for some reason. This past week I was making so much progress, but today... day 30 of NC, might as well be day 1, because it feels just the same. I guess I just really thought and assumed I would hear something from you before I hit day 30. I thought I had accepted it was over, but I guess this is proof that I haven't.

Day 29.

Not even close to being healed yet, I still think about you like crazy. My curiosity is killing me more than anything, there are so many questions I want to ask you. When did you meet this girl? Where did you meet this girl? Who is she? Are you guys officially dating now? Are you even still talking to her?

I have no way of knowing and I wish I didn't care, but I can't help it. It's been a month... you haven't contacted me, I haven't contacted you. I have met new guys but I hate that you broke me to the point that I don't even have the slightest interest in dating anyone else. It's not fair how happy you are and how easy this is for you, and I'm still here just trying to get through the days.

This is going to be my goodbye to you. You have no idea how much this has affected me. You were selfish, you were inconsiderate with my feelings, and you were a liar. Yet I still love you. It's so rare for me to find somebody that I care about as much as I cared about you. Underneath all those layers there was something so unique and special about you, that part of you is going to be really hard to move on from. It's painful knowing that at the end of the day, the person who I am was not good enough for you and will never be. I know I deserve someone who cherishes every part of me as much as I cherished you, you were and are not that person. I wish I could change that, but it's not within my control. I have to let go. I have to pretend like you no longer exist.

The hardest part of this whole thing is accepting that it's over and accepting that you have a new girl in your life. I feel very powerless.

Day 24

Trying to reach some acceptance. It is over. You have already moved on, there is no hope in you coming back to me. I plan to stay NC forever. There's no point in counting the days anymore, I have enough self control at this point to realize I would just be making a fool out of myself if I were to ever initiate contact with you first.

Day 23:

Today has been a rough one. It was so gorgeous out, when I got off work I was imagining what we would have done on a day like this if we were still together. I thought I would be doing better by now, it's making me feel pathetic that I'm still missing you this much. I'm afraid I'm still going to feel this way in a month from now, two months from now, it's just so hard for me to accept that this is over. I miss you so terribly much, and it breaks me to know how little you care.

Day 36:

I wish I could just forget you and let go but I can't. You never gave me closure and never gave me good reasons which hurts because it keeps me wondering if you'll ever be back.

^I am so sorry. I'm afraid that when I'm at day 36 I'll still be feeling the same way, too, I hate this!

Day 22

I woke up with a text from New Guy. It made me feel nauseous. I'm trying to force myself into the dating scene, but no one measures up to you. I wish you wouldn't have pulled me in and made me believe all your lies. I am so messed up emotionally now.

Day 21

Well, after I found out on Friday that you had another girl in your life, I stopped moping around and decided to force myself out to mingle and meet new people last night. Three new guys asked for my number, I kissed one, and got asked out on two dates this week. Am I supposed to feel good about trying to move on? Because I feel nothing, I still feel empty and numb. I don't have any desire to go on these dates. The ONLY person I want to be interested in me is you. I'm so jealous that you are happily moving on, while I'm here finding it impossible. I can't force these feelings to go away, I tried so hard last night to try and feel something for someone... anyone... but there's just nothing left in me. When will this go away?

And to be honest, even just the thought of going on dates and trying to start a new relationship right now seems so daunting and not even worth it. What happens when this happens to me again? What happens when I get dumped for another girl again? I feel so broken and guarded now.

On the bright side, I did finally make it back to the gym tonight after three weeks of no motivation. I ran 5 miles, felt good.

Day 15

 

I miss having sex with him. Wish I could have hot make-up sex with him right now.

^Ughh I hear ya, this has been on my mind A LOT lately, to the point I realize I may not even want a relationship with him again... I may just miss how great the sex was, and I'm afraid I'm not going to find that intense spark with anyone else.

Well, it's day 19. I need to stop counting the days so I can move forward, I feel like it's holding me back a bit. I was near your place last night, I originally had plans to call you.. but I didn't. I also had an urge to drive past your house on the way home and see if your car (or your ex's) was there. But, I realize that would have been a waste of time. I may be pathetic for still thinking about you so much, but at least I haven't and will never resort to full-blown stalker mode haha

Also, it's been almost twenty days and still haven't heard from you. It's a blow to my self-esteem and it's hard for me to swallow that chances are you just aren't interested in me anymore.

Day 18 (still)

Had to come back and post because I had a strong urge to contact you tonight. I'm mad at myself for being so kind when you ended things, I thought I was rising above and doing the right thing, but now it makes me feel so spineless, like I was willing to let you take advantage of me.

I am so angry at you right now. You strung me along for so much longer than you had to. I would love to scream at you and give you a piece of my mind. You pride yourself in being a "good" guy, but you were selfish and an ass when it came to our relationship. You have no idea how many sacrifices I made for you, if I would have only known. How was I so blind? How did I let you get away with being so manipulative? YOU deserve to be suffering right now, not me.

Day 18

I guess it's a bad sign that I'm still keeping track and coming on here to vent. While most of me realizes it's over, I still have this hope that every time the phone rings it will be you. My gut is telling me this isn't over yet, but I think it's only because that's what I want to feel. On the bright side, I still have my dignity. Thankfully you have no idea how sad I still am right now, for all you know I could be having the time of my life. I still have so many questions I would like to ask you, maybe eventually I will... but for now, I refuse to contact you and give you the ego boost and satisfaction of knowing I miss you. It makes me feel good knowing that I have my will power back, that I have enough control over my emotions at this point to make rational decisions.

Also, the strong urge to know whether or not there is another girl in your life has gone. I don't care anymore. I don't want to know, I realize knowing won't change anything except make me feel pain.

Day 17

I wish you were an awful person so I could hate you and realize I'm better off without you, but the truth is, I'm not better off without you. You are an amazing person and the girl out there who gets to end up with you is really lucky. The only thing I'm angry at you for is convincing me that whole time that that girl was going to be me. It makes me sick to think you said all those things to me when deep down you didn't mean it or were having second thoughts. It has really screwed with my head.

Day 15

Mornings seem to be the only time I miss you, I woke up this morning literally aching wishing you were next to me. I didn't want to get up and face the day. I feel much better now though. I'm starting to think of you less and less, and be okay with not being with you. If I already am starting to feel this way as the dumpee, I can only imagine how over this you must already feel as the dumper. This is the first break-up I have had where I feel completely powerless and rejected, I think that's why this has been harder than any other. The fact that you haven't called at all these past two weeks to fight for me back makes me feel so worthless in your eyes. You are the only person I want, and knowing that you don't feel the same and there's nothing I can do about it, sucks a lot.

After this week, I'll be done counting the days. I don't plan on contacting you again and I don't plan on hearing from you again. I don't want to accept that I'll never see you again, but that's starting to look like the reality of the situation. I have very little hope at this point, I need to stop holding on.

Day 80-something. Feeling bleh about the whole process.

 

I spent today re-assessing the reasons why an ongoing romantic relationship with this guy would not have been in my best interests (not that I was given a choice...grrr), but still am missing him. I'm having to remind myself why it wasn't possible, too, to continue a pseudo-friendship with him...I've been questioning if I threw the baby out with the bathwater when I went NC.

 

I know a big part of the blahs is related to having to find a new work gig. Unemployment isn't so good for self-esteem, and it hooks right into the lingering feelings of lowered self-worth from the breakup.

 

Onward and upward...time to reset my thinking to a more positive mental attitude. The future holds all sorts of unknowns, including happiness. Forward, march!

I don't know what your situation is, but just curious... has he tried contacting you at all during those 80 days?

I hear you, Day 15 here, and there hasn't been a single peep since we broke up. Yet the night before we have our intimate time, I love you, and all is well... really makes you wonder about people. There is also a pride thing going on in my situation. We've been NC as long as 3+ weeks before in a previous break, so we'll see if she really starts to reach once we get past that threshold (knowing we can go that long, and I've caved before) but I wont be caving this time.

This, exactly.

Well... day 13. It's a gorgeous night out tonight and I had plans to go out with some girlfriends, but at the last minute cancelled and didn't feel up to it. I'm afraid drinking will only make me breakdown and try to contact you, that's the last thing I want to happen. Plus... I can't imagine even wanting to talk to or meet other guys right now, I just have no interest, hopefully that changes soon. I also know this is your last night on vacation then you have to come back and face reality and a huge part of me just feels relief about that. I have some of my stuff over there, I know you are too prideful to contact me about it but I hope when you come back you at least see some of my things and wonder what I've been up to.

Day 12/13

You've been on my mind, but I have no desire to contact you. I am proud of myself. You were on a pedestal in my mind that you did not deserve to be on. I'm starting to see things more clearly and I deserve better than what you gave me. I didn't think I would be able to go this long without contacting you, but now, at this point I don't ever plan on contacting you again. What's done is done, and it's not my job to fix it. It's out of my hands.