Snowy

* **** ***

If you've ever had a doubt of what that meant, it says: I love you.

And I don't even know if you still love me or not.

You're always keeping me guessing and I hate that. =/

Today, I am satisfied. Thank you.

I'll be seeing you in 5 hours...

Are you looking forward to it?

Are you nervous?

If you ask me, my answers would be: Yes...yes...

You contacted me last night on Skype. Oh, what a rush of excitement I had, even though you were just asking if I was okay in response to my pm.

Somehow, when I had to go, I couldn't help but let the words, "I miss you" slip out of my lips. All I wanted was to hear you say, "I miss you too...". But that never came. You just ignored my "I miss you".

Now what? Now I feel stupid. Now I am still stuck with questions such as: Do you miss me? Do you still have feelings for me? (I highly doubt the second one though.)

Sigh...

Nearly 2 months now...

On paper, that seems like a long time, but to me, it still feels like yesterday.

Thinking back, your ideas about factors which makes up a good relationship are so pathetic.

So you're saying that just chatting and talking shows more affection than kissing?

That it's perfectly normal for us to meet once a week or even once a fortnight even though we live 15 minutes WALK from each other? And when I ask you where you get these ideas from, you answered, "Because I have a friend and she only see her boyfriend once a month." Are you stupid? They probably live 20km from each other, and we are only 15 minutes walk, my god.

And yes, I did talk to you about those problems and I could see you were trying to improve, but reluctantly. I didn't complain.

Also, I never told you this but: every time you lied to me, I knew. You really think I'm stupid? You're pathetic. When you were late, you always said that the bus was delayed. All it took was me checking up the timestable for your bus to find out that no, your bus was not delayed, it was perfectly on time. I thought if I told you, it would be really awkward and I didn't want you to be unhappy because I loved you, so I just pretended you were telling truth.

Now, the more I think of these things, the less respect I have left of you.

distractions are nothing but just that, a distraction. they only last for so long until the next wave of missing you sets in. I feel inadequate, like a failure since the break up. How could I give you so much, and feel like I've done so little? Did I impact your life at all? You told me I did. Is it enough for you? Am I enough for you? What happened to the rest of our lives? I told you I was sorry, and now I'm just waiting.

Same.

Except in my case, I'm not sorry.

Right now I'm sitting in science class doing nothing but think about you. >_

At times, I swear I feel strong enough to just let you go completely, and move on, only for me to find out the next day that I have been tricking myself all along. :s

I'm only strong enough to keep away from physical contact, not mental.

But I do think I'm getting closer and closer to the day when I can forget about you.

I know my feelings for you are only hanging by a thin thread. The only thing is, right now I'm scared that when the thread breaks I'll lose you completely. Even though this thread hurts, that's all I have left of you, and somehow, I value that and I can't help but try to prevent that bond from breaking.

Sigh...

Wow. For some reason, everything kind of reminds me of you. When I see a girl on the streets who walks like you, I think of you. When I see a girl on TV who has a similar personality as you, I think of you. When I see a girl with the same hair colour and style as you, I think of you. etc...

Anyone else got this? =/

Yesterday I checked your Facebook again, sigh. I couldn't help it.

Seems like you don't go on Facebook anymore...

I need to * * * * ing let you go.

I'll give myself a challenge: No checking your Facebook for the next 30 days. I'll see how that goes.

The day when you texted me... That night I dreamt about you, for the first time since we broke up actually. I remember crystal clear what happened in the dream that night even though I forget most of my usual dreams. We were back together and I was happy, satisfied and excited. But when I kissed you, infront of your unit like we usually did after I walked you home after school, you whispered sadly, "I can't keep this relationship, I have to go." "Why?!", I asked. And before you could reply, I was sitting up on my bed with my heart thumping fast and loud. I didn't understand that dream at all.

Everytime I open my locker at school, I see our little diary and that picture you drew me. Beside the picture, you wrote, "You are my little rabbit. I can be mean to you. I can play with you. But I will never let go fo you because no one will love you as much as I do." Okay so you said that, but what did you do? It greatly saddens me. And that sentence never fail to bring tears to my eyes.

I sometimes lie to myself, I can live full well without you but the reality is that I still need to in my life and most importantly, I love you.

Right after we broke up, I said that I would wait for you. Sorry I've just changed my mind because after 1 month, you have shown no interest in me whatsoever. So now will live without you. I know this hurts but I will never come chasing after you. It was your fault and I have wasted more than enough time and money to make to happy all because I love/loved you. I am sure no one will ever love you as much as I do. I am moving on. I will heal.

Bye for now.

It has been nearly a month now since our break up. I just want you to know I still love you and no one will ever replace you in my heart even after the things you put me through.

When I asked you, "Do you love him?" and you answered, "Yes." That was probably the most unforgettable moment I have experienced. But I am trying to forget all that.

Thinking about all the happiness we shared together makes tears well up in my eyes. You were truly my everything.

You told me you had problems with your eating. I hope those problems are gone now and you're living a happy and fulfilled life.

I miss you but I can only cry.