starlight40

I dont want you back but im so lonely

Forget Karma, you live in your own self made Hell every day

You still cant leave me alone even after a full month of NC you have to attempt to swoop back into my life with a few pathetic texts just incase i forget you, i just find it so pathetic is really rather funny, if apparently im a "bitter, jealous parasite" and you "hate me" then why do you feel the need to text and tell me that? why not just get on with your life? I did nothing wrong to you appart from react to the abuse that YOU dished out, everything ive ever said in pain that was wrong ive apologised unreservedly for but still you try to make out im a monster thats to blame for everything, ive never been so amazed by someone who, in the space of a month has completely and utterly convinced themselves that they are a victim and did absolutely nothing wrong, deluded is an undetrstatement. Were you a victim when you were throwing me around the bed by my throat with both your hands until i couldnt breath and had tears streaming down my face?

I dont think il ever get over you

God, i hate you, dunno what i EVER saw in you

Love them!

Day 5, feeling okay todayand wont break, worried i may bump into him when i go out saturday night with the girls though, not sure how to play that if he tries to speak to me......guess il try my best to keep out of his way......

Thanks for your support Quirky girl, i wish you luck with things. Okay im day 4, this is where i got to last time and broke, feeling not too bad, just doing y best to get through. NC is a total mental endurance test!

thats why ive been leving my phone in the car when im at work!

haha, yeah i should just leave my phone at home when i go to work.

Day 3, I shudder, i got to day 4 last time so heres hoping, im feeling 50/50 between weak and strong, im not going to contact him but im still doing the looking at my phone every 10 mins to see if he will break, im sure hel be doing the same thing though. Im not sure why i even want him to contact its a bit like a drug, you want the attention but really why do i want it when i know it would never work, strange indeed. I want to forget.

Day 2, feeling a bit upset today but hey, gunna have to ride i out

Arg. I broke NC and I can't decide if I feel ok about it or not. I was doing so well, I was on day like 18, before that there was very very LC for the 3 weeks after we broke up. I'm actually interested in somone else, and I was doing really well until all of a sudden yesterday and today I was feelign like trying to talk to him and initiate LC for awhile. I think its because I knew what he was doing all weekend as we had discussed teh weekend at length before we broke up.

 

stupid stupid stupid.

Stop beating yourself up hun its done now, what did you do, call/text? did he respond?

Make sure you do it this time. 6 months is a long time afterall and you don't need all these set backs, do this for YOU, we're all here to support one another. My birthday is at the end of this month, so hopefully i can reach until then (31st December) and after that, into the new year it should become a little easier.

 

x

Yes, ENA is a great source of support for me, its kind of whe you think all your friends and family are sick of hearing your problems then you have this great back up called ENA! Ive read a few of your posts and you seem a tough cookie so sure youl be fine but if not you have us!

I LOVE your advent calendar idea for NC too, it day one for me too so day one for my choccie too! Im like 28 years old and my mother still gets me a chocolate calendar every year! Too sweet! haha x

Goodluck Starlight, keep on posting. You can do this, this time!! How long have you been in nc with him previously?

Oh god, ive been in NC loadsa times, im notoriously bad at this! ha.Weve been split for 6 months and i think the longest NC has been about 2 weeks. It hasnt usually been me to break the Nc he will contact first, its usually something that will wind me up and then i bite. No more bitingfrom me!

Okay im back on day 1, not feeling too bad to be honest, ive de activated my facebook account cos i dont really like it anyway, deleted him from mym messenger but not going to log into it anyway, i deleted his number from my mobile ages ago but thats a bit of a problem because i know it off by heart- people never allow yourself to do that! Whe i go to work im going to leave my mobile at home so i dont have the temptation.

Wish me luck and good luck to all you guys too!

That's the thing, there is no perfect "last conversation". I am struggling big time with that.

I think that too, when emotions are running so high i think theres always something youl find to say even if its a case of going round in circle, i think youve just got to really try and let go once and for all.

And to answer your previous question i think i must be the all time dunce when it comes to NC, im really rather terrible at it, ive broken it MANY times.

Fell off the wagon today, only day 4 aswell. I was on messenger and he sen t a message asking how i was, i stupidly replied and then has followed a torrade of abuse from me to him, everytime i have anything to do with this guy now i turn into some kind of mad woman, im still so very hurt.

Day 3, feeling okay today but a little apprehensive cos im going out toniht and worried i may bump inot him. I live in quite a small town and unfortunately cant afford to go further afield tonight but i also dont want to stay in. Im not sure how to handle it if i do see him, any advice guys?

Il PM you hon x

thanks again!

 

its just been a very tough day. I am kind of glad I did it and got no answer because i feel so bad about it I am definitely not doing it again.

 

Starlight when did your relationship end? was it abusive?

See then youve learned something....

My break up was 6 months ago and yes he was emotionally abusive, infact heres a list i wrote a while ago on one of my threads...

1/ taking me for granted

2/putting me down in a jokey way but a little too often for it to be just a joke

3/never complimented me

4/shifting the blame to me when he did things wrong

5/using sex as a tool, withholding it when i wanted to but being all over me when he wanted it, was often after id spent time with other people than him when that would happen, he used to push me away for weeks on end leaving me feeling unwanted, unattractive and questioning my own attractiveness.

6/stopped being affectionate

7/used to end things with me for very small reasons only to beg for me back-eventually

8/everything had to be HIS way even down to silly little things like were we would go for a meal

9/ Found out since we ended things that hes told me quite a few lies

10/ we were together 2 years and even though i wanted to we never had a proper vacation together yet he went to thailand with a male friend for 5 weeks

11/constantly accused me of cheating even though i knew i was totally innocent

12/I too had the feeling it wasnt right, for a long time

13/He never liked any of my friends

14/ never made an effort with my family

15/when i used to arrange to go for a night out with my friends he would find a way of being unavailabe for me to see him any other time than the time i had arranged with my friends

16/ When i did go out he would find a way to punish me for it which was usually the cold shoulder, when id ask him what was wrong he would say "nothing" "

-Ring any bells with you?

thanks starlight!

 

I have just had a really sh*t few days with missing him despite all the terrible things.

 

I guess he will question if it was me who the call was from but I don't think he will think much more of it if I don't do it again.

 

Have I broken NC if he doesn't know it was me?

 

I don't even know why I did it. I wasn't going to speak to him.

Na, hes not going to know for sure if it was you and can you stop beating yourself up please! ha.

Im totally with you on what your going through cos ive been there and am still struggling with it myself.

Your doing so well here i know how hard it is but you CAN do this.xx

Guys I nearly f**k*d up!

 

I went to call my ex. I wasn't going to speak I just wanted to hear his voice.

 

My phone was set to hide id so it would have shown up as unavailable. Anyway he didn't answer.

 

I feel so stupid now. Like I ruined all my hard work. I know if I don't call back he won't think it was me. Because usually I try again and again and again. I just feel really weak at the moment.

 

I have noone to call when things get tough which is basically all the time. I just feel so alone.

Hey, youve made some progress because you havent done what you would normally do and tried and tried again to call him!

Give yourself a break, you stopped yourself in the act and that is GREAT!!

Small steps hon xxx

Have been really having strong urges to call today. I hate it. He hurt me so bad and I would look like a fool if I called him. I am just so sick?

of having to fight this. I am all out of energy. Why is no contact sooooooooooooo hard

Sending you lots of big HUGS beautiful fiffy! You can do this hon, do it for you because you are the most important thing in your life.

Heres a link that i found very useful about abusers....

link removed

Im day 2 of NC after 6 months of LC, decided NC is the only way to go because while we are still in contact all we basically do is argue and hurt each other. Im still feeling a pull to contact but i guess thats just habit and hurt. Wish me luck. Stay strong guys!