Unfortunately I find myself in a nearly identical situation. I got married in the late 1980's, but right from the start (honeymoon) I realized my wife and I were not sexually compatible. In all other areas we get along famously. No man could ask for a better mate. She just isn't my type. Imagine that. She's like a best friend, a little sister - but hopefully you don't get turned on when you kiss your sister, and so it goes with her and I right from the beginning. We married shortly after ending other relationships. We thought it was what God wanted for us. In 1991, in an attempt to save the marriage, I took her on vacation and, during the one time we managed to consummate, she got pregnant. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since, and we have not touched each other since. That was over 14 years ago. We lived celebate and married.
About five years ago, I met a female online, met this OW in person, and the affair commenced. In so many ways - religious and political beliefs, the things we want out of life, and sexual compatibility - we are very well matched, despite a 20-year age gap. Over the five years we've been seeing each other, she has more than proven her willingness to take on the realities of our situation. Even though we are both Christian and experiencing the guilt that comes with this affair, she has stated, "I would follow you into hell." I know she would, although hell is not my intended destination.
The OW, tired of my not moving out of the marriage home, gave me a deadline which I missed, a date by which I must move out. She then showed up at my door, introducing herself to my wife and son. The deception was up. She and I did not speak for two months, but one day I called her.
It started up again. Her visit to my house was January, but now in October, she has layed another deadline. I feel bad for her, and I love her. She gave her virginity to me, planned her entire life around me. During our times apart, I ache for her 24/7. At one point she broke it off with me for 6 months. I thought of nothing but her, with no contact between us. Keep in mind, young beautiful females who want to have sex with me are plentiful. I have money, I don't look my age, etc. But it is this girl, the OW, for whom I ache like I have never wanted anyone before or probably will again. This is not a schoolboy crush. I am a very experienced player.
But, I do love my wife (in a little sisterly way) and my son means the world to me. I hate to give it all up, the warmth and security, the home we built together. I fear for how he will regard me in the future as it is, but if I leave the house, how much worse our relationship will be. He would never accept another woman, ever.
But I fear that if I do not, then in four years he will go away to college, and I will be living a celebate life in a separate bedroom while my virgin lover gives herself to another man. The whole thing really sucks.
I have no advice for Piers, who appears to be back on track with his wife. I have visited counsellors and psychiatrists. Unanimously they say my marriage cannot be saved. But there is the devotion to doing the right thing whenever possible out of Karma fears, love of God, and minimizing pain. The OW is the type to take care of me, and I trust her to be faithful. She's mine if I want her, mine for life. At least Piers has the chance of regaining his romance.
I find all of your advice very interesting. I'm not sure which way I'll go, but I need to decide within the next two weeks.
