marlenasmith7

Marlena,

Rememer what we discussed? I told you your life has value to your kids, your husband and now many here. How you impact others in a positive way can make a difference in a persons life, you're proof of that each day that you choose to face each day with strength and a purpose.

 

RC

Yes, of course I remember.

Sorry I wasted your time. I don't know why I bothered posting. I am going to do it anyway. I know that the alcohol is a factor, but it is just a minor factor in my decision.

Oh gosh, please don't do anything! It would be a tragedy. Think about your family and friends! You don't want to do this.

Please come back to us.

We can help if you will just allow us.

Marlena

COURAGE?, you are living in courage, you are an example of courage, the fact that you chose to come here and let someone know about your thoughts and then take the time to actually listen, hear, talk it out, think it through, consider your children and husband, THAT IS COURAGE, AND YOU'RE ALREADY TAKING THE STEPS one foot at a time to "trying to heal" even though you have tried before, there is always HOPE, you are an example of HOPE to so many on here..

 

talk to him when it's quiet and you maybe you can just say you are "scared about what you have been feeling/thinking"

Thank you. I thing that the way you worded it is perfect. I was trying to think of a way to approach the situation and just couldn't for the words.

Marlena, you're amazing, you're choosing to hang in there, one day at a time...for your children.. that is love..you are love...may each moment with them give you some energy to carry on...

Staying is not the easiest thing. I can't lie, my thoughts are still very present. However, I am really trying to keep my children and husband in my thoughts at all times for it is them that are important.

I have yet to talk with my husband as I fear what he may say or do, but I plan on doing it as soon as I can gain the courage to do so.

Thank you for the kind words,

Marlena

How are you doing today Marlena? I have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

I am doing a little better thanks. I keep my family in my thoughts when I start having those bad thoughts again.

I am really glad I was able to post on here and get some help that I didn't think I needed!

Marlena

Well, I was in your position just last night. I was ready to go. I had a plan and everything, but then I met some really wonderful people here that helped me look at more in my life besides myself.

You have to live for the people that care about you. For me, I didn't care if people called me selfish or whatever, but when they started pointing out that my family would be crushed and my children would never be the same, I had a realization that I want to be a survivor and not a statistic.

It is up to you to look at your life in another way.

Do you have family that cares for you?

How would they feel if you killed yourself?

Do you think that they could just forget about you?

Do you have children?

If so, how would they react to you giving up on your life?

Would you want your family to feel guilt thinking that they could've/should've done something?

I know that life is hard, believe me, but it is taking it one day at a time that is important.

I am not saying that I no longer have the thoughts, but the thought that is first and formost is my children and husband.

There are many of people here that want to help if you let them.

If you just need to vent, that's good too.

Please be safe and let me know if I can do anything to help.

Marlena

I am sorry for your loss and how tough it has been. Hearing your story makes me want to stay for my family.

I will take that "me time" to try to make my life better.

You are right, I would love to hear my babies say those words.

I feel truly cared for from all the posts and friends I have made here.

Marlena

Marlena,

Ad me to the list of members here that you can PM with or email with. There are many people here with different stories and different things brought us here as individuals but once here you become part of something bigger, something stronger. This is the place you need to use as a catalyst for yourself, your children and your family. The feelings that you have are not bad or unnatural, only following through with it is. This place has turned around many lives for the better and if you give it a chance you may someday repay your gratitude by helping someone here to hold on to the will to live for something better.

 

RC

Thanks, I tried to PM and Email you, but no luck. It says I don't have permission to PM and the email says "Sorry! That user has specified that they do not wish to receive emails."

I will say thank you for the supports. I will continue to come here and view/post as needed. Looking through some of the posts I am noticing that I am not alone and there are many others in similar boats.

Thanks again,

Marlena

Tim, I watched on Youtube and you and she look so happy. You two are adorable!

Who cares what other people say about you and she, if you are happy, then that is all that matters.

Being in school is tough and growing up can be tougher, but who of those in school are going to be there after graduation?

I know that after i left high school I only kept in touch with about 2 people out of our entire group of friends (about 30).

Just make YOU happy and not them!

You all have made me think a lot about what matters the most. You have pointed out some very important things that I had not thought about.

You have made me realize that life is not just about what I want for myself, but what I want for my family.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me see that I need to find a way to get some sort of help so that I can provide a stable, healthy and loving environment for my beautiful children and wonderful husband!

Do you have yahoo messenger marlena?

 

Edit to add: Marlena, we want to provide an avenue and support for you.

 

Please know that we really care.

I appreciate that very much.

I can give you my email email removed

I can tell by the responses that you all care. It is very touching to my heart to know that there are people like you out there!

Do you have yahoo messenger marlena?

No I sure don't. I am not very good with that kind of stuff. I just type and click.

Hehe, yes I'm only 15 years old. I'm not sure how I've been "so wise". Though I really do appreciate the kind words.

 

 

 

But my offer still stands, if you need to contact me I'm pretty much on Yahoo, as well as MSN all day. Minus school and sleeping.

 

Yahoo - email removed

MSN - email removed

 

I hope to hear from you some time Marlena.

 

No, No, THANK YOU!

I guess I just needed someone to remind me of how much I am risking by taking my own life.

I know that I may feel like this again, but you all are so wonderful! I mean that!

I have never been able to be honest about it and never had so many people point out so many things that I never gave a thought about.

Thank you all!

Yes! You have no idea how big of a smile I got from just hearing (or reading) those words. "I guess I have a little more thinking to do." I'm sure everyone agrees with me.

 

Please, don't give up. And I mean it when I say if there is ANYTHING I can do to help you in anyway overcome this pain, please tell me!

 

Through this hour and a half of replying, I feel like I have grown to know you, like you're not some distant stranger, but a friend of mine that's in trouble.

 

I love my friends with everything I have, that includes you.

Ok, so your profile says you are 15?! If this is true, how have you become so wise?!

You are very sweet and I really appreciate it.

I know that I have to do some real soul searching and thinking about my family before I do anything in a few days.

Ok. Not a problem.

After all, when our physical health deteriorates we go to the hospital. It is no different when our mental health is giving us trouble.

I know, but I have been before and it was not that great. There is no human contact, they don't talk to you, you are just left there to sit and think.

I could NEVER go back to the mental hospital.

Those are adorable names!

 

I bet you were the happiest woman alive when Debra and Mary were born.

 

Think back to that day Marlena,

 

To the day they were born,

 

Remember the joys they bring you.

 

Do you celebrate Christmas?

 

If so, do you have any fond Christmas memories?

I was beaming with pride when they were born. I was so incredibly happy.

Yes, we celebrate Christmas. This past Christmas was the most memorable because my daughter said "i yub you" for the first time the day after Christmas.

1 1/2 and 3 years old. Marlena...they have so much more growing up to do!

 

I can't imagine growing up without my mother. And if you were to kill yourself right now, or even in a few days, they wouldn't remember you. Your three year old MIGHT remember an image or so in there memory, but that's it. Do you really want that?

 

All they would have is pictures, and home movies. And one movie in particular saying that there mother is going to kill herself. Now you know, I know, and everyone else here knows that movie would stick out like a sore thumb, and when someone mentioned there mother (you) THAT'S what they would remember.

 

There mother on TV, saying she's going to end her life. I know you don't want that. They're still babies Marlena, enjoy your life, as well as theres while you still can!

I, honestly, did not think about my children only remembering the video. I was only thinking that I want to make sure they know that I love them and did this to make them have better lives. I guess I have a little more thinking to do. I would never want to have that be the only image in their little heads.

You know marlena, I found that my faith brought me to that comfortable place in my life where I could handle the demands and pressures that life placed on me. I tried a couple of different therapists, but settled on a christian counselor that I found was able to get through to me in ways other therapists could not.

 

I do not push faith on anyone that doesn't want it, but I wanted to at least suggest it as an option.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I am not religious at all.

I do not believe in any god or anything.

I appreciate the thought, though.

Tell us about their birth.

 

Did you have a name ready before they were born?

 

Or did you decide on the spot?

 

Do you go to amusement parks with them?

 

Tell us more

 

I can only dream someday to have children of my own, how fortunate you are!

 

My husband and I took the name of my mother and the middle name of his mother for the first child, Debra Marie. The second took a while, but came up with Mary Sue.

 

We enjoy going to the park and they really love playing in the sand.

They enjoy finger painting, banging the pots and pans. Mary enjoys singing. She just sings to her own tunes, it is very cute.

They are the best babies. They rarely cry, sleep through the night and love big hugs.

How old are they now Marlena?

They are 1 1/2 and 3 years old

I know that my experience is not the worst and I am not using my past as an excuse. I cannot tell anyone why I am feeling like crap all the time, why i cry all the time. I guess that is the problem, I just feel like my soul is gone. The only thing I care about is my babies and husband. Nothing else!

I would not want my children to get that message at all. I don't want to give them that message either.

Marlena,

 

 

What type of therapy have you received, was it by a licensed psychiatrist?

 

What medicines were you on?

 

There are definitely many avenues to be explored here,

 

And I want to walk alongside you.

 

Marlena, what was the happiest day you can remember with your daughters? Tell us about it.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

I have been to approximately 13 different psychiatrists and therapists. I have been on Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Remeron and Paxil.

The happiest day I can remember with my daughters had to have been the day they were born. Each birth had it's own special aspect of it. They were beautiful.

i just need to put this senario in here just incase u really think about suicide...what if u did kill yourself, and your husband cant take it, so he kills himself...that would leave your kids as orphans...do u really want that??

Oh, Gosh no, that would be the worst possible thing!

Well what can we do to make the pain stop? How did it all start in the first place?

I have no idea how to make it stop. It started when I was a child. I had an emotionally and physically abusive step-mother, her father molested me for 4 years(from 8-12 years old), I was in foster homes, my mother died of cancer when I was 16, My sister and I have not spoken in 16 years, my father and I have not spoken in 18 years, I had abusive boyfriend until I met my husband 4 years ago.

I don't know what else to say, I have had a messed up life!