johnnynz

Thanks for the kind words.

She says she needs time to get over things, and while I have no problem giving her that (before we start spending time together as friends? I don't know) I guess I'm feeling like if I don't contact her she'll just forget about me and start liking this new guy more and more. Insecure, I know.

Oh well.

Saw her again on Sunday. Have sort of resolved things, how she feels, how I feel. She still cares, wants to remain friends and keep in contact, but is seeing someone else. Oh well, she has to do what she wants, it's her life. Don't really know how to proceed from here - she's hurt me so much, am I supposed to be nice to her?

I guess the obvious answer is to let her go and do what she wants. But it's not selfish for you to expect a bit more from her than just having everything on her terms. I'm sure she's not a horrible person who is doing this to you deliberately, but if you look at it from a different angle, she's got it pretty sweet; she's able to do her own thing, without the guilt of leaving her boyfriend behind, and when she gets sad and misses you, she just calls you up and there you are. Then, she feels better and off she goes again. But what if, as time goes on, she hurts less and less, but you're still keen? Does this mean that she just stops making these times to see you? Where does that leave you?

Exactly - so she has it sweet, but what do I have? Sure my feelings for her will dwindle over time, but I'd like to remain friends. Am I justified in expecting her to care how I feel about things, even after we've broken up? Does it sound to you like she's just using me? Perhaps she doesn't know herself what she wants right now, apart from her own life again. Perhaps I just need to do as the old saying goes, if you love them let them go, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.

I guess I'm scared to bring these things up with her as she might run the other way - not really what I'm hoping for. I also haven't accepted the fact she may be with other people (not right now, but in the future). I think I haven't really accepted the fact it's over, either. Hence my willingness to see her. This is probably due in part to the fact that the last few times I've seen her, we've got on so well - able to talk about things freely without any hint of an argument. It's hard not contacting her as I'm worried that she'll either forget about me, or go shag someone else. Something I have to deal with myself I guess..

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I'm sure she is hurting. But at the moment, she has all the power. She gets to make all the terms and that makes it hard for you, because you still love her and will take whatever contact she is willing to offer you.

Doesn't make for much of a friendship does it.. perhaps it's too early. So many questions running through my head! haha

If you think that she might come back, then maybe you can look at this as you keeping contact and keeping the posibility of a reconciliation alive, but if you don't think that there is much chance of this happening, then maybe you need to look at the less attractive possibility that she's doing this simply to ease her pain. And while that may work for both of you, just make sure you know that this is what's happening, and try not to get your hopes up.

I've really no idea. We were really unhappy together for a long time, so I don't think it's going to happen, at least not in the next year or so. She doesn't seem to have let go of the bad memories yet, don't think that will happen for a while.

Thanks for your thoughts - they're really helpful. It's good to get it out and talk to someone that has been through what I'm going through!

My main point is, you need to give her space, and use it yourself. I dated a guy after my ex and I broke up, and when (I) ended things with him, all I wanted was to do my own thing for a while. He couldn't accept this, kept hassling me etc, and now we never talk, because it just got ugly.

Exactly what I want to avoid - have learn this lesson recently!!

So I saw her tonight (she contacted me - another w t f). We talked for a bit and it appears she is keen to be friends. We talked as friends, and it was good. Bought us dinner then took her home (after spending a bit of time at my place, I'm sure you can guess what happened!).

She says she still doesn't want any contact, and that we'd see each other again in two weeks. I don't like the fact she thinks she can contact me anytime she wants, but that she'll ignore any correspondence (emails/calls) from me. I should've objected to this when she said it but didn't for some stupid reason think of it!!!!!

I asked her if she really meant that she missed me, and she said yes. So I guess she was feeling a little guilty, even though she didn't admit it. Don't know where to go from here - I'm not going to hassle her but I'm worried that if I do contact her she'll just ignore it, which just makes my head spin into worry. What do you reckon I should do? The obvious answer to me is to just let her go to do what she wants - it's her life and it'd be selfish of me to want anything otherwise. As hard as it may be (it's getting easier, but still hard). Am I right?

Each time I see her I get more pieces of the puzzle. There still seems to be some missing though.

So I'm a bit less confused.

While we had discussed the possibility of us breaking up, when it came to the crunch, and I broke it off, my partner was devistated. And I felt like the worst person in the world. Naive as it sounds, I believed that he would feel the same as I did; want to go out and do his own thing for a while and see what happened. But when we did make that break, he was heartbroken. He wanted to stay together and work things out that way, and I wanted to go and be my own person.

In talking to her she says she has no regrets, and doesn't feel any remorse that I'm heartbroken. She says she was so unhappy living together, and I appeared not to care. I've told her I cared so much but we were both so stressed and the living situation had so much tension involved that I didn't know what to do, and that I was so sorry for all the hurt I'd caused.

Despite this, I wanted to remain friends with him, but he was the one that rejected this as he felt that if we did this too soon, it would only serve to ease my guilt (right) and make him feel confused about my motives (also right).

Do you really think that's why she invited me over a few days ago? To ease her guilt? From what I see she isn't feeling any guilt - maybe she is.

In th end, we barely spoke for about six months after we broke up. Even as the person to end the relationship, I found this heartbreaking. As you say, this is the person who you have shared everything with for the past 3 1/2 years and you don't want to miss out on that friendship, even if you are no longer a couple. But, the way I felt (and maybe your ex feels the same?) is that it was too little too late. I needed him to be there for me when we were a couple and it was too late for him to start playing that card now.

I think she feels the same way - I'd had 3 1/2 years to be there for her and I wasn't (at times) and that I'd had enough chances. By the by, we also broke up (for 2 weeks) about a year ago. Got back together though.

So, as I said, we didn't really speak for 6 months, and then one day, out of the blue, he asked me for coffee. We regularly kept these coffee dates, meeting every 1-2 months to catch up. While this was good, as I had missed our friendship, it was also hard to realise that we both had our own lives now, and we weren't playing a big role in each other's lives anymore. If you want to stay friends with your ex, you need to be able to accept that if you do this, you will be watching her move on. You will be standing by as she dates other people, and creates a life without you. I found this the hardest part, even though I was dating other people and had my own social life myself, I yearned to be a bigger part of his life, as I once had been, but in my situation, I couldn't have it both ways.

So... bleak outlook then?

As I said, my ex and I did become friends, but only after we had taken time apart to grow and develop our own lives. During the 6 months were weren't speaking, I desperately wanted to catch up, but looking back, the distance was the best thing we ever did.

I still feel (a month on) that my life is lacking a vital component - her. I don't have much motivation to do anything at all really (in stark contrast to her - she says she's so much happier now).

My final advice? Take some time to do your own thing. As great as it was being with her, I'm sure there are things you neglected to do during your time together, and now is the perfect time to do them. Take up a new sport, catch up with those friends you always wanted to catch up with but never did, go on holiday, whatever. Just becasue it might be too soon for her to be friends (and maybe she never will want to be) it doesn't mean that it won't happen with time. She is crying out for space, and the only way you can even begin to be her friend is respect that.

Hopefully giving her space and not contacting her (she's asked for this) will work as it did before and that we'll meet up for coffee soon. I'm still so confused. I guess a big part of what I'm feeling is that I'll never meet someone again that will love me and care about me as much as she did. Am I being silly?

Thank you for your advice, it's really helped

My ex partner and I broke up about a month ago.. we were together for 3 1/2 years, she was my first love. She broke it off (neither of us were really happy at all living together, arguments daily), I could see it coming months off but you can never really prepare for things like this. While we were together, in the months leading up to moving out, I admit I was much too dependant on her, emotionally. I kept telling her I loved her (which I did) but which I'd get no reply to. I was obviously too insecure and this no doubt had some part in the demise of the relationship.

Initially as we had to sort out stuff relating to the place we had together (lived there for 6 or so months) we kept in contact. I was mostly a writeoff the whole time - couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't accept the fact it was over. I was fine for a day or so after we met up (3 or so times during the first 2 weeks) then went back to being depressed and feeling hopeless. A week or so ago after I called her, she told me she'd have my number blocked if I called again. Didn't sleep much at all that night. I ended up not contacting her again for a week or so. She then called me and I went over and we shared a coffee, talked for a bit. It went really well, or so I thought. No bickering, she was really nice, I told her I'd missed her and she told me she'd missed me too. Went out for lunch then I dropped her off at home. I left feeling really good that she was happy and that she apparently wanted to be friends, which I was really pining for. She said to still not contact her and that we'd meet up again in a couple of weeks. Am I just being young and dumb?

All good. I was content with that. I came to the realisation that I'm still young (24) and that I really need to experience other people in order to gain some perspective of what I want in a partner. She felt the same and we agreed that if we meet again in a couple of years when we're older it might work out better. I agreed.

There's a party on Saturday - I find out from a friend she doesn't want to come if I'm there. I'm a bit confused, as I thought we were friends. I sent her an email with some stuff yesterday which she's read but hasn't replied to. I'm worried I've pissed her off again and that she'll not want to meet up in the future.

What should I do? She's the only person I've ever been able to confide everything in, known her for 3 1/2 years and she's always been there for me, as I've been there for her. I've accepted the breakup, so that's not the issue. What I really want right now is her friendship. Is a month too soon to expect friendship? Should I hold off contacting her again and wait for her to contact me? She's the most caring and loving person I've met, and I don't want to lose her friendship. I still care about her so much - she knows this but doesn't seem to care. Ideally I'd like to be the friend I wasn't while we were together - making up for the times when I was mean or grumpy towards her. Am I being a complete retard? The word dignity comes to mind but I feel so much guilt for what I did to make the relationship fail it doesn't seem to apply to me.

Confused man needs help!

(unsure if this is in the right forum - perhaps it'd be better in the Breakups forum!)