noelle8

I told you running would empower you and change your life Make it a priority and it will take you places you've always wanted to be. It will help kick the depression too, you'll see. My husband just walked in, and I'm now going to run an extra mile (b/c he disgusts me so lately I HATE HIM THESE DAYS. I feel better getting that out! thanks noelle

I'm sorry to hear that. She doesn't miss you so let her go, don't waste any more energy on something that's gone. You are getting stronger though, do you realize that? If it's any consolation, I envy you! I am having a really bad couple of days and I wish I was divorced and on my own. There are too many interesting and fun people and things to do out there in the world. I am being held back because of my loyalty to my kids (and not being loyal to myself). You're lucky, my friend--men have it so easy! Next, you will be meeting someone, if you haven't already. My advice is to stay single for awhile and get comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship. Enjoy being unattached for awhile. take care noelle

Hi Dan, Thanks for sharing that, it helps I admire you for admitting what you did. Unfortunately, in my experience, most men are like you and don't realize what's happening until it's too late. The really important thing here is that you have learned from this and you want to help prevent another from making the same mistakes. I have my good days. Yes, we care for each other, but I need "magic", you know what I mean? Sometimes I think I might need too much, that my expectations are too high, but we all need to be who we really are, right? I hope things have worked out for u since your wife left. Are u English? How are things where u live? take care noelle

Are u a waiter? I think I read somewhere u just got a cat too? That's great! Now, invite one of the cute servers to your place to meet your cat and watch the DVD "Waiting" (hilarious). You're definitely on your way noelle

So how are you doing with the new fulltime job and school? Sounds like you are keeping busy with little time for anything else, which can be a good thing, for now. Does she work or is she home with your little girls? Yes, I still love my husband. I suspect I always will, even if we split up. I will never have the same kind of connection with another human being as I do with my kids' father. And neither will your g/f, even if (I repeat, IF) she were to have another child with someone else. She had her firstborn with you, correct? She loves you. Just don't need her for anything right now. Don't call her unless it involves the kids (and be careful of that slippery slope!) A month may feel like an eternity to you but it's not that long my friend. She needs to see for herself that you are committed to changing your life, and that takes time. Go out with people, are you making friends at work? Join an inexpensive gym, or study at a really trendy coffee house and meet people. The one thing that always gets me thru any rough times, whether at home or at work, is running 3-4 miles EVERY day no matter what! It's empowering. It's like medication for me, keeps me emotionally stable. It' s hard to stick to in the beginning, but now after 5 years, I look forward to it most days. Just get your ipod (no sad love songs) and go!!! I know the last thing on your mind is dating, b/c you love this woman so much, but you need to show her she is not the center of your world. Not to say that you aren't there for her or for the girls, she knows that you are. I'm serious about the gym, try it! Especially if your stressed out, with no spare time. It will change your life. Hope things get better for you -- take care noelle

Thanks to all of you good people for caring to respond. I'm taking pieces of wisdom form all of you To the last poster, yes, I'm becoming apathetic and indifferent already. When things get really unbearable, he tends to do a 360 turnaround and will be really good for a short while (gifts, nice gestures, etc). It gives me the teeniest bit of hope until things get back to "normal" and we're either fighting again or worse, almost completely ignoring each other. Like a "honeymoon cycle." He's a good guy, and he is happy with very little in life, and I'm not knocking him for that--I think that's great and I even envy him for his philosophy on life. But I need more! I should mention this--We did break up once, for a whole summer. It was my fault, b/c I got involved with someone on the net (which I broke off before we actually met), and got very serious. My husband left me and the kids, at first I didn't care, but after I realized he was serious, and I'd hear from our own kids that he had a "friend" (yes, female), I became VERY jealous. I begged him to come back, he wouldn't at first, and it was hell for me. I realized how much I loved and needed him, NOTHING ELSE MATTERED. Slowly, we started to "date" again, and he came back, on HIS terms. Later, he told me he had to teach me a lesson, b/c I had humiliated him (esp in front of our kids) with this internet relationship. So, am I pushing him away again to test him? Or do I want out? I tend to sabatoge myself and my happiness, and haven't learned how to stop. You're right, I think I should get counseling w/o him, and see where it goes. The last counselor I saw (years ago) encouraged me to leave!! We'll see what happens I guess. Life goes on...thanks for the "food for thought." noelle

Hi bcuz--You have some great insight . Do I still love him? Yes, but I think it's more the love you have for a man b/c he is your children's father. It's not that romantic "in love" lust-y love, know what I mean? And god knows, I MISS that so much! I'm a Pisces, he's Capricorn (not a good match I am definintely repressed, I have gotten very good at burying "bad" feelings. I'm someone who finds it very sexy to be aware of one's own sensuality/attractiveness, but doesn't act on every attraction or impulse, know what I mean? Getting off track again. My husband send me mixed messages. I have begged him to set goals, which he promises to meet, and then blows them off. I take this behavior as a message to me that he really doesn't want me, but doesn't want to be "that kind of man" who would leave his wife and kids. So, what I'm getting from this forum is that I have to be the one who takes that leap. And I wish I had the strength to, HONEST!!! I really think everyone would be better off! someone mentioned how damaging it is for kids to grow up in a house where parents don't love each other--THIS IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. I wish I knew for sure what is best for them! My instict tells me they need to see both mom and dad happy (together or not) for themselves to be happy. But then they point out how horribly thier friends' parents' divorces are, and how unhappy their friends are growing up "broken." I'm rambling now. I want to say thanks for the responses in here. I really appreciate the support, it helps more than I expected! Take care noelle

Thanks for your honesty, I'm really impressed! It takes a secure person to admit what you've said here, and I think you're 100% right. Let's talk about you right now. It took your g/f leaving you before you started doing things for yourself--looking into college, all the self-improvement things you mentioned. You have to do these things for YOURSELF (which I suspect you are) and not b/c you think this is what will impress her and bring her back, or b/c someone else isn't gonna do it for you anymore. Once she sees you are a whole person, and responsible for your own happiness, you will become attractive to her once again. TRUST me, it will happen! Another thing, you are the father of her kids, and no one can replace your role there (that's mostly why I'm still in my marriage) Love yourself, respect yourself, stop smoking and stay healthy--the rest will follow. I sense that things will work out for you, you come thru very sincere and committed to making things work with her (show her the post you replied to me!). The secret to happiness, my friend, is to be content and comfortable with yourself--she'll come around (question might be, will you still want HER?) I don't know what's down the road for me but I know we'll be ok. As long as my kids are happy, I'm happy too thanks for sharing and take care, noelle

Thank you both for the advice. I'm willing to try anything! Ithink you'reright when u say he is depressed. I'll keep u posted. noelle

Hi. I'm brand new to this, and not sure how this works..I'm always the person everyone else goes to with their problems, not the other way around I've been married to the same man for 20 yrs, we have 4 great kids, ages 11-21. We've been thru really good and bad times, but more bad times than good for the past few years. He's a good man, and a good father. He's been laid off for over a yr now, still making money but not 1/2 as much as he used to. I work fulltime now b/c he's out of work. I think he's gotten comfortable at home, with no ambition to do anything anymore. He's getting old before my eyes and I can't handle it! I am a very social person, and still a very attractive and vital woman. I take care of myself (he does NOT, the more I beg him to stop smoking or start exercising, the more he rebels). I want a better life for myself and my kids, and I don't see myself getting ahead with this man anymore. I've tried to tell him we should separate, he doesn't take me seriously. I am depressed and angry most of the time now, and I hate it! Of course my kids want the family to stay together. I hate that they see me so unhappy, and I hate that I have so much resentment and blame for this man. I've told him REPEATEDLY that we would be better off going our separate ways, he remains in denial](*,) and won't consider counseling. Anybody out there have any words of wisdom? I would appreciate any advice. tx noelle