JayParker

You appear to have an objective and realistic view on things. I also think that your concern is quite valid.

His dismissive and evasive reaction is (in my opinion) not warranted. Personally, I've discovered (the hard way) that how something is approached can make the difference.

Perhaps you could revisit this topic with an empathetic slant.

ie; "I'm sure that being cheated on must have been difficult. I would imagine that if the phone rang at an odd time or if she was late coming home that it would raise all sorts of uncertainties."

--- after his response

"I understand. I'm sure that it wasn't easy when I asked about your divorce timeline difference. I do trust you of course. it's just that it didn't seem congruent and you're always so good at putting my mind at ease. I'm sure that you have a good reason for the discrepancy. Can you help me understand why?"

@Single Guy Needs Help   I've been in your shoes. I was 47 and met a woman that I presumed was in her mid 60's. She'd playfully say that a woman never reveals her age. After doing some internet searching, I discovered that she was 72. I was a bit surprised, but I didn't allow myself to be 'hostage' to status quo conventions.

If she's anything like my former lady friend, you already have an advantage. In public, and personally, she'll appreciate being admired by a much younger man. 

Like yourself, I find that a woman with substance can be more attractive than a superficial woman with better looks.

If she agrees to lunch, be sure to let your intentions be known. You do now want to create a pattern of having a "lunch pal." You could say something as subtle as "I really like the way that you carry yourself. I'd bet that the woman at your high school reunions are quite jealous of you."

On 5/6/2024 at 8:46 AM, pmw06092016 said:

I saw a letter on his table which revealed he’s actually 54 so 15 years older than me

I'm wondering how many readers here have a *ahem* *cough" letter on [their] table; which reveals their age.

Even if you weren't snooping through his wallet (while he was asleep or in another room etc... ) you were still violating his privacy. Meanwhile, you wish to measure his behavior by a different yardstick?

I'm not dismissing this guy for his deceptive behavior, but you also deserve equal scrutiny.

2 hours ago, Dancer Candy said:

Speaking as a woman with terrible self-esteem, I would chime in and say that it's clearly not just low self-esteem going on here, but it's also an element of control and manipulation.  It's not just that she (probably) feels bad about herself, but also seems to want you to conform to different behaviors.

I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but you probably don't deserve this.  How much you choose to deal with it depends on your personal feelings and needs.

Personally, I'd leave, in your position.

Thank you very much for your response. Because you can relate to the esteem issues, you were the type of person that I hoped would respond.

To be honest, I've dated women that while attractive, something was missing. I wanted the same passion when spending time together while chatting on the patio as in the bedroom. . Many times I've felt alone although my companion was in proximity. Meanwhile, this woman could make two hours spending time together feel like it was only 20 minutes (the connection was really that good). But there was also the  other reality. When there was conflict - which would arise about once a month, it really chipped away at my relationship foundation and caused me to feel uncertainty .

Because otherwise, it seemed better than any woman or relationship I would have ever imagined...I held on. And I am now seeing that this is an unhealthy cycle and it's now time to tell her goodbye and for good.

Thank you for our insight, Dancer Candy. It's much appreciated.

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

If I was to be honest, I don't think you guys are compatible. When someone sends you a selfie, I think they are want some love back 😁 - especially since you both are still in the "new-ness" phase of getting to know each other. She still wants to know if you still attracted to her. 

---- This "want[ing] some love back" feels more like a habitual thing. In the past, I've always made comments. It was now *not* appearing like "I look pretty in this, let me share." Instead, it was appearing more like.. "I need a pick me up. My boyfriend always gives me a lift." I didn't feel like being a morale booster that particular moment. And boy did I 'pay' for that one.

I also believe in your other thread you said she was average looking?

" As I mentioned, she's said that she has insecurities (but she's average looking and smart etc...) ."

---- That's a fair question that deserves a fair answer. In my first posting, I didn't want to appear like i was bragging. Does she turn heads? Probably not, but she is above average looking and always dresses quite well. She doesn't dress sexy, but in a fashion that accentuates her femininity If a "5" is average, I'd say that she's "7.5".  The two most important men in her past would be considered below average. Not ugly, but maybe average on their best day...but more like a 4 or 4.5 day to day .  To them, she was likely the 'prize.' I think that she's gotten used to men (or these types) bending over backwards for her. Now... I've likely stuck around more than I should have... but I also haven't begged forgiveness or anything lacking such self-respect. By her behavior, I'm thinking that she's used to men behaving that way (if she 'dating down'...she may have also become smug).

 

25 minutes ago, marmar said:

If she was afraid you would break up with her over something like that it sounds as though she may have trauma from her past relating to relationships, or she may be insecure about the relationship and worried you don't love her. Either way it's not a good thing. It's common for women to deal with insecurities but if you are judging her for this that isn't good either. If she doesn't have too many flaws you can accept her but if you are questioning everything ask yourself if it's something you want or if you can look past it. Do you love this girl or not.

In her past, I can safely say that she’s chosen relationships that offer no worries . She hasn’t told me this, but these men are what  I would define as ‘safe’ because these men probably thought they’d had a trophy girl and would do anything to keep her. She held the cards. I’m 100% certain. 

I was proud to be seen with her too, but unlike these men (and this isn’t to brag) I do have  options to date equally attractive women. I also prefer women of depth and she had this - while a lot of women do not seem so deep. 
 

I’m thinking that she chose men of her past because she would not feel vulnerable, but instead have complete control of her emotions.
 

i’m sure that the men in her  past were probably  nice. But I also think, they probably never had a woman this attractive in their life before, and were  probably willing to  jump through more hoops. Although this woman is very deep - which means a lot to me  and we’re very well-connected – (more than any woman I’ve seen in my past) there were also these multi breakups and… I’m thinking it’s time to let go. Who knows. 
 

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the same woman?

 

Yes. I’m very close to closing the door to the point of no return. 
 

Recognizing, that I can sometimes make impulsive decisions, I want to be completely sure. 
 

I do not want to end things and then afterward have some realization that I didn’t consider something and that my ending was in haste. 
 

As you (and I’m sure others know) when we are inside a relationship, it’s difficult if not impossible to look at things from both sides. This is why I seek an outside point of view. 
 

I thank you for sharing yours. Also, it’s ironic that you say that she always wants to be right, because she always accused me of this. I told her that I want resolution to conflicts over winning one. 

I’ve always considered myself to be a sensitive person to other’s shortcomings. Having had awkward moments myself, I believe I do my best empathize.

I’m struggling with a girlfriend that openly talks about her insecurities. It maybe seems passive aggressive. If she sends me a photo and I do not flatter it, She’ll respond with something like “I didn’t realize I was that ugly today. Sorry.” 

Although I try to be attentive, it frustrates me because it almost seems like an attention getting tantrum or something.

I’ve been trying to read up about women with low self image, esteem issues and insecurities. It seems like it’s a deep psychological real problem. And for the record, my girlfriend is going to therapy.

Here’s one example. We were at a local club where a lot of my friends hang out, and she accidentally knocked over a glass of wine. Nobody noticed. She later told me that she was afraid that all my friends saw it, and were laughing, and that I would break up with her. If my friends did see it – which they didn’t, they wouldn’t have laughed. Of course, I would’ve never broken up with her as I have done similar  things like that myself and still do.

Part of me thinks that because I’m sensitive to her, she’s exploding it. I don’t like feeling that way, but it almost seems like her insecurities provide her with an excuse to milk me to the point that I sometimes feel very drained and depleted. This might make me sound insensitive, but actually I’m not.

Can any if you even relate to her behaviors? Has anyone ever dated someone with these type of behaviors?

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You can always say to her, "We need to learn better skills to resolve conflict with one another. If we keep arguing in these toxic ways, I'm afraid the bitterness will kill all the love we have for one another."

You'll notice I used the word "we" and not "you," since this is a team problem and blaming one person will have them less likely wanting to resolve the issue.

Thanks and I have taken ownership for my part with her - not to diffuse (though I agree with your approach) but because I know that it wasn't just one sided (except for her impulsiveness of breaking up).

I'd then ask if the both of you could go to the library together and pick out some couples' communication books, or order one or two of them online. 

Actually, during some breakups, she and I have both separately searched things about relationships and once back together, we've discussed them. In fact, she has admitted being embarrassed about some of her behaviors. But in the heat of an argument, those very behaviors come back.

You could also mention that saying you're breaking up in the heat of the moment has to stop. It's quite alright for someone to need space by taking a walk, or agreeing to instead meet up the next day when you've both cooled off.

I am guilty here. I've told her that this can't go on. After the dust settles, I figure that I have a choice. I can play games and withhold that I want things to continue and pretend that I don't or I can accept it and get back together.

Can you share if it's the same issue, or if new ones keep popping up? It might help if you explain what these arguments are about.

I told her that I still love her, but also said that I'm having difficulty feeling as strong as in the past - due to each break up chipping away at my feelings. I'm normally not so vulnerable about things, but figured that I've tried everything else and besides... it's the truth. As I mentioned, she's said that she has insecurities (but she's average looking and smart etc...) . I'm also not aware of her having any bad toxic relationships (according to her , they were mostly amicable). However, my openness put her on the defense. She didn't insult me or anything, but it was like she was insulted that my feelings would not be as strong... because 'her feelings for me had not dwindled."

Good luck.

Thanks!

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Honeymoon stage... However, you make it sound like you both are fighting a lot for a 5-month "seasoned" relationship.

Can I ask how many time have you fought? Or if you aren't sure, is it a weekly?

She and I can go weeks without conflict. And it's not like there aren't opportunities. It just doesn't usually happen weekly or anything. It's like, when we disagree, it's never a tiff (like what happens in 'normal' relationships). In fairness, neither of us seem to give the other much wiggle room when we argue. The major difference is that she snaps to the point of breaking things off. Believe me! I've felt like breaking up too, but I seem more able to step back before being this impulsive. She doesn't. Most of the time it's great.  In fact, it's the most good fit that she or I have ever experienced. But when it's heated, it's not good.

This felt like it happened in a blink of on eye. She and I are in our late 40's. Although we may appear more 'seasoned' this relationship had its immaturity.

I have dated quite a bit and am usually the one offering my friends productive advice. My current relationship has me stumped. I've met a girl like I have never met before. It's almost like a mirror image of myself. We have that much in common It's not unusual to make (what I think is a five minute call) and we end up on the phone for an hour or two. The conversation just flows that well. We've been together for five months. I would say that in the first two months we knew more about each other than a lot of married couples that I know. I wouldn't say that either of us rushed things. The conversations were natural and comfortable and just flowed . The 'bedroom' department also went well

Sound ideal so far, but there's one problem. She and I have so much in common that our arguing styles are also identical. The only difference is that she does something that is a bit extreme. She impulsively breaks up. The relationship started last October and about 4-6 weeks, "it's over." I don't think that she's trying to  make some statement or anything. I really think that in that moment, she's genuinely done. I've felt that same way too, but have bit my tongue a few times.  After a day to a week, after the dust settles, we are back together.

Neither of us are co-dependent and it's not like we couldn't find someone new if we wanted. I think that she also knows that she and I are so alike (same quirks, sense of humor and enjoy depth) that we both know that we'll probably never meet someone that fills as many slots.

My friend said that I do not give her enough drama and so the breakups are her way of getting her needs met. It's not that I'm a pushover. It's just that we otherwise seem to fit so well that there's no conflict. Another friend said that I have made her smug. I don't overshadow her with flattery, but she always looks nice when we go out together and I do let her know each time

I'm clueless on this one. Can anybody offer an opinion?