J. Marks

Such great guidance - thank you. As I let this fall away from my heart and mind, I thought about a few other things that were in hindsight red flags and I thought that I'd share for both others, and a record to myself. She was attached to her pet in a way that was beyond most. She also had a previous dog that had passed away which she referred to multiple times as "the love of her life" and had a memorial tattoo of. I have two dogs myself that I care for dearly, but in hindsight this was maybe unhealthy. Given that I sympathize with loving your pets, I sort of brushed this off at the time but I think this really was a sign of being unable to form healthy attachments to people. She had seemed that she really cared for me. In that final taxi ride home, she had taken my hand into both of hers and held it tightly in her lap the whole way. Her Christmas present to me, which was thoughtful and given just days before this all unwound, was signed "Love, M" in the card. But her complete refusal to commit and stop seeing other people, even at the end (especially at the end?) was just all so bizarre to me, and made it so much harder to just let go. It's been two weeks since the last text exchange in which I restated my needs and wished her well. A few days ago I got an accident text from her with some random screenshots followed by a "Sorry, wrong person" with a laughing emoji. I only responded with a thumbs-up on the "sorry" message. Maybe it was truly an accident, maybe it was her putting out feelers. I just don't understand.

You all are the best, thank you so much! By the way - Your signature is about the truest thing ever said on the Internet.

Awww, thanks - I needed to hear that.

I agree with your sentiment. It was meant as short-hand, so that I could more easily convey a person's behavior with a term that many around here might know. That aside, all I really was hoping for was for people to agree with me so that I could feel better about it, i.e. it's not me, it's her.

Oh, 100% no more contact. That's a given - those were my terms and I'm sticking to them. This is more of an post-mortem and ego repair session, and maybe a little of learning so I won't be as naive again. I appreciate all the input, and it really does come down to a combination of a dismissive-avoidant that just wasn't into me enough.

Of note, and she could have been saying these things as a way of "being nice," but she said her not wanting a relationship is all about her and "never about the guy," which is an odd thing to say to me versus "not about you" - it seems I'm not the first guy to run into this with her. This also asked me if I was going to block and delete her as soon as I got home, and I said no. Although she had previously talked about how she aggressively blocked exes in the past, she volunteered that she wouldn't either, and said that I should reach out to her any time if I wanted a companion (careful word choice, I think), but that she would never reach out herself. Coupled with the warmness of her previous affection towards me, all of that makes me think that she's a classic dismissive-avoidant. Or maybe I'm overthinking, and she just wasn't that into me. I go back and forth. I'm probably trying to solve an insolvable puzzle. And one with no reward for doing so. But I feel like I need to get this into a final resting place. I once heard that "confusion IS closure" when it comes to relationships as it doesn't matter, the person just isn't into you enough for whatever reason. I should try to glom onto that. Thanks again all.

This is more or less where I landed - she enjoyed the companionship and did enough romantic/affectionate stuff to keep it going, and when I asked for more the cost/reward ratio wasn't there for her and she was perfectly fine with me breaking it off. Also agree on the "truly religious person" thing. Thanks for the insight.

That is probably the crux of the source of why I am particularly bothered by all of it. If it were simply that she didn't want a committed relationship with me, I could accept that pretty easily. And maybe that is it, and I should tell myself that and leave it at that. But it felt like we were so close to something special and that something else is the issue. Of course, that something else is inside her, and any stated reason really doesn't matter. The bottom line is that she isn't for me.

Me (early-mid 40’s male) and her (call her “M”, late 40’s female). Both divorced once. Live nearby each other in a major metro area on the east coast. We met via online dating app, and had a few dates early on and a first real kiss about a month into dating. She spoke openly about have had very few sexual partners in the past, and that she only did in the context of a committed relationship. She also said that she was unsure of what she wanted, but that she did feel that she was currently living her best life. She claimed to be very close to her Christian faith. Our mutual love for travel was a binding factor. My sexual experience is considerably greater, but I am strictly monogamous in all my relationships once past any physical contact beyond a peck on the cheek. At about the two month mark, I was heading out of country for a brief trip and just before I left, she had mentioned missing going to one of her favorite countries over in Europe. Given that we both love to travel, I suggested that we both go over the upcoming holidays. She said yes, and suggested we get separate hotel rooms as part of the arrangements. Respecting her wishes that were presumably driven by her faith and morals, I readily agreed. It was also at this point that we had “the talk” and she reiterated that she didn’t know what she wanted, that she was working on herself and her need for external validation, and that she didn’t sleep with people if she wasn’t in a committed relationship. I thought that was fine, and said that it should happen organically. She agreed enthusiastically. I also said that I was not into situations where people are dating other people. I did not use the term “exclusivity” explicitly but I felt my intent was understood and she nodded without saying anything. We continue dating, seeing each other regularly and with much affection. She was extremely warm in her affection, but had a hard limit on intimacy that didn’t extend beyond some passionate kissing, which I attributed to a combination of her faith and her feeling that we hadn’t hit the level of “committed” in her eyes yet. This continued through the next two months until our trip together at the four month mark. We leave for the trip, and arrive at the hotel and retire to our separate rooms. I did want to use the trip to bring our relationship closer, but I absolutely did not have a goal to have sex or anything like that on the trip. But I did want to move forward as the last three months were roughly the same. While on the trip, one night after a lovely dinner, I drop her off at her room and she gives me a tender, long, passionate kiss. It is here that I tell her that I love her, and that she just needed to hear that from me, nothing else. She was aghast, sort of laughed, and quickly retreated into her room. I left it alone. My words were true, and I thought maybe she just needed to know that to help her get past whatever block (I thought “signs of commitment”) was keeping us from moving to a more serious relationship. The next morning, things are a bit awkward. We are sitting after having breakfast together, and I ask, “This may be a silly question, but are you still seeing other people?” She replied “yes” and seemed to be surprised that I was even asking. She then went on to say that we covered this as part of “the talk.” I was obviously hurt but I did not get angry or pout or otherwise react negatively, as my dignity is a big deal to me. As matter-of-factly as possible, I did ask if her other relationships were like this one, and she said that she definitely spent the most time with me, and that was most affectionate with me. She then said that I had made things awkward, and asked what we should do next. I said that it didn’t need to be awkward, and that we can take this whole situation and set it aside for the time being and to try to enjoy the rest of the vacation. However, when we returned home, that we would go our separate ways. She agreed, and we both played this part over the remaining days of the vacation. Holding hands, laying against each other, kissing, etc. Unless she was a true professional, none of her affection was fake. The subject comes up intermittently over the remainder of the vacation, with on the last day her saying “this will be our last interaction.” I said that unless she wanted to be exclusive, it would be. We end up flying home, still with full affection, and even split a cab home together from the airport (her idea). I get dropped off first, and she gets out and gives me a deep kiss, wishes me well, and departs. As I head into my home, I get a text from her thanking me for being so great, and it has heart and kiss emojis, etc. I reply with something similar and that is the end of our contact. However, over the next few days this really eats at me. In a moment of doubt, I send her a text asking if I had explicitly asked her for exclusivity would it have mattered. A few hours later, she replies “no.” I reply that I just wanted to make sure that we did the right thing, and I wish her well in the future. She replies with similar well wishes. I then reply with one final message, telling her that I want her to be happy, and that I hope that I am still around when she is ready for a relationship, but that I only want to be with someone that only wants to be with me. She “hearts/loves” the message as a reaction. That was the absolute last contact. So - what the heck? For one, I’m surprised how much this is still bothering me. I’ve been rejected before and moved on just fine. We hadn’t even slept together, so there wasn’t that heightened sense of bonding. Why does this bother me so much? I feel really naive. I tried to rationalize what happened. Maybe she’s strongly avoidant. Maybe she’s insecure, hinted at with the external validation remark she made about herself, and likes attention from many men. Maybe she just wasn’t that into me. Any thoughts from the experts here? I have no intent of contacting her again (and she said that she would never contact me), but if given the opportunity of an exclusive relationship with her, I would do it.