JZ192

Trust me, I've heard this before from family and friends. It is a large moral flaw that me and her technically share. It is something to be worked on. We both recognize that this situation could have been handled differently. I suppose her cheating on me is always a risk. But she seemed just as committed to me as I was to her. I was the one that ended things every time.

That's what so much of this was. Working together in a fast-paced restaurant environment didn't help either. A lot of our friends further exacerbated the issue. If there ever is another opportunity to be together, I don't want drama. I just want her and to be the real deal relationship we once had.

It cuts deeper than playing a stupid game. I don't care - married or unmarried. There was an emotional bond that was made that I've never felt before. I've never been so emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually connected to someone like this. Maybe that's being too dramatic. But I understood the risks going in, and have paid most of the price for my actions. And I have to live with that. I've made peace.

I have stepped back for now. The last time we talked was Oct. 7th. I never responded to her text. If I talk to her ever again, it will be with full intention of starting over and doing things the right way. She's legally single and living on her own.

I'm not really sure if we are on break or broken up. I would lean towards broken up. We've played weird games at coming back into contact with one another. A large part of me wants to reconcile. But, at what cost. I want to have serious talks with close family and close friends before reaching out again. And perhaps, it may be too late. But I'm telling you I have never felt this way about a woman before in my life. Maybe I'm blinded by the sex or small acts of kindness that she did. I don't know. I think literally everyday about the future we could have. Two things that held me back are gaining support from friends and family, and the fact she is tied to the local area due to her two kids. I want to find a career and if that takes me across the U.S., then so be it. And she reasonably can't make that type of commitment. So, there's that to consider as well.

I'm sorry for not being clear enough on the "married" portion. She is officially single and has been finishing the legal, court side of being divorced. She has taken down any social media with her ex-husband. She is now living on her own. It's different. She wants more kids. At least 2-3 more. I've never met her kids, out of pure respect for her ex-husband's wishes. However, after I met her ex-husband, he gave me the green light to meet her kids. I want more kids with her. She's done a great job at independently raising her two kids without me playing any "ancillary" role. But yes, I would love to help co-parent her two kids right now.

Please take the time to read and understand this post. I will do the best to articulate a precarious relationship I'm coming out of.... and I don't know if leaving was a big mistake. Please also hold any prior opinions, judgements and assumptions between yourselves. I made this post in pursuit of love and want to keep it that way. The goal is to gain clarity. Two years ago, I (24M) met a girl (29F) in the restaurant industry. I had just come out of college a year prior, worked a dead-end office job and hated every second of it.. so I quit and went head-first into serving. I didn't really interact with this girl until a few months in. But each interaction we had was growing with random interest. I had a couple of "blonde" moments too. I accidentally calling her by a different name on one occasion, which ended up being a go-to punchline just to get her attention. Little by little, we were joking back and forth with each other and seemingly a friendship was growing. Then one work day came along where I jokingly asked her out. I was so full of *** and 1000% expected to get turned down. She was married, with kids. Just a guy shooting his shot. I knew nothing other than what a young guy couldn't get his mind off of. And to my surprise, as I was clocking out, she dropped her number by my side without me knowing. I had the biggest grin on my face as I ran over to one of my best friends to brag. "Hey.. look what I got.. you won't believe it!" I think I waited until very late in the evening, or the following day to reach out. I got a promising first response ... and a first date was created. The first "date" (more just a social event) was grabbing a six pack of Miller High Life and hitting the beach. There was a lowkey spot on rocks where we could kick back and share stories/get to know each other better. No intimacy. This was strictly asking questions and learning from a friend perspective. It was at this point she revealed how unhappy she was in her marriage. My own parents had an extremely ugly divorce. She touched on her own pain points that I could directly relate to from my dad's stories. I consoled her and immediately said, "Why continue this is you're not happy? It's your life, and if you really care about your kids you won't put them through a divorce once they're older." More importantly, she noted that her husband wouldn't or hasn't changed ways for years, and leaving him was something she'd considered for a while. It just took someone to really make her realize it might be time to actually... divorce. It felt empowering to what felt like sound advice. We further bonded on traumatic things. Her father is an extremely bad gambling addict. So is my mother. Both instances changed our families in similar ways. I felt like I really gained someone that night who understood me. We also shared a few laughs.. I could immediately tell our humor clicked. The first gathering was a big success. The young college boy wanted to take her home, completely denying any moral responsibility. I felt connected and didn't care the repercussions. She went home that night by herself, but we still kept talking. There was enough connection made for a second .... date. A Third, fourth and fifth date would follow shortly thereafter. We would spend hours on a couch, sipping wine and sharing stories. Our deepest thoughts. Our biggest gripes with life. Wash, rinse, repeat. I've never felt more open and comfortable before in my life. Most importantly, we shared a vision for a better future. To get away from the b.s. day-job culture, and to grind life together. To have more kids, and get a new lease on life together. Be smart financially, cultivate a healthy and successful family. And so on. Mind you, this was disregarding the fact she was still married. It took a couple months but her then-husband showed up to my house one night. It was 2am I had woken up to her phone ringing repeatedly. I woke her up frantically and she dealt with the situation. I thought the worst and did not know what to do. I never knew the husband except from her stories to this point, so I just kept thinking he was going to do me severe harm (and I don't blame him one bit). He ended up leaving in his truck, peeling out on the side street. I never came into contact with him. She controlled the situation and it was over with. But by now, me and this girl's relationship was pretty exposed. To make things even more interesting, my best friend at the time was living with me. My best friend's girlfriend was related to the girl I was talking to. It turned out my best friend's girlfriend was cousins with this girl's husband. To make things even MORE interesting, one of my mom's lifelong friends was the BOSS of this girl's husband. Oh, and both the husband and this girl shared mutual friends with me through sports and random activities. There was much more to this "affair" than you think. So the summer went on. Everyone in both me and this girl's friend group knew what we were doing. There was no hiding it. Working at a restaurant just amplified things in a negative way. (Queue endless drama and gossip) Once my best friend caught on that I was really seeing this girl, he immediately drew back and questioned my choices (he's not wrong for questioning, after all). I plead my innocence that I only wanted to be intimate a few times and bow out gracefully. But time after time, I kept associating with this girl. Knowing it put a lot of strain on my best friend and others to accept this situation, and to keep it under wraps. It went so far as to me sneaking her around the house just so I could see her. It made things extremely uncomfortable for my best friend and his girlfriend. Needless to say, these habits just about killed my relationship with my best friend. He shortly moved out after things really picked up with this girl. It was the lowest moment in my life. I battled all summer with inner emotions of this girl. Knowing it was not morally in our best interest. But feeling like there was so much potential. This was not a silly string of hook-ups. This felt like there could be MORE. My best friend moved out as the peak restaurant season was coming to a close. I realized I need to find an alternate job, and quick. Plus, me and this girl really picked up on seeing each other since we had more spare time. I stepped up and even helped her at a business fair to promote her small business. I also volunteered my time to help her move out of her dad's apartment, and helped with renovations at her new place. I was slowly but surely becoming more a part of her everyday life. Her friends knew about me too. A few wanted to meet me. They understood the situation without judging. Then we began unofficially dating in late fall of that year. She was still legally married but we spent a couple of months spending quality time together. I was battling depression and started going to therapy too. I was dealing with an immense amount of guilt from playing a part in the breaking up of a family, and even more so in losing the closest friend in my life. For this girl. The unofficial relationship with this girl did not last long. I ended things after a month or two. I got cold feet from commitment. I mean... what 24y/o guy excitedly tells their family, hey I'm dating a separated Mom of two kids!! Yippeeee!! Yeah... right. This back-and-forth "situationship" went on for the good part of another year. We took extended breaks, all on my doing. I tried to see other girls. Go on dates and try to kill my emotions for this girl. And it was an utter waste of time, money, and emotion. I was way too critical of each girl after this girl. I tried telling myself I can date someone like this girl... that someone would show up and cure all of these mixed emotions. I couldn't stop thinking about this girl though. It was inhibiting any other attempt at a relationship with someone else. I genuinely loved her. I've never felt a love like this except for the love of my father. This emotion cut deep. I cared so much about her that I volunteered to meet her ex-husband. I wanted to personally confront him and apologize. I wanted to let me know who I was, and that initial actions towards his ex-wife were not out of malicious intent. To my surprise, he was extremely receptive and we actually BONDED for hours. We had never met each other and yet we were talking like we knew each other. We shared serious things but also shared a few good laughs. And you know what? It felt exhilarating to talk with this girl's ex-husband. I felt like I was closing the moral inequity. I was working back the grief. Then this year's summer came. I was battling with moving some family out of state and kept stringing this girl along.. never committing but keeping the relationship alive. We saw each other sporadically. And fast forward to now, where it has been almost a month and a half since we've last talked. *I have since rekindled things with my best friend. We're not tight like we used to be, but we talk and sometimes see each other.* There's so much more that could be said. She's been on my mind almost every waking minute this past month. I picture sharing happy memories together.. with her. I picture sharing children, and starting a family. I miss her. And the more I long to be with her, the less I care about what anyone else has to say for being with a now single mother of two children. I welcome the challenge. I mean, life is supposed to be interesting after all. Bland isn't my type. This girl is so much more than that. I love you still. So much. Here's some context on what this girl is really like. I blacked out and she was took care of me, after I had thrown up all over myself. She was at my bedside every minute and made sure I was okay. She went out of her way to comfort me. I got a really bad poison ivy rash over the summer and she went to CVS, dropped $60 on itch cream and ointment, and did not even bat an eye. She was driven. We both agreed that we want to change our lives around. She even corrected me that she wanted to IMPROVE her life, not just change it. She listens. She genuinely hears you out and wants to help solve problems. She is loving. She went out of her way to make special gifts and order custom things online. For example, we always had a tough time choosing something to do. So she ordered a coin that had our names on either side to help decide who would make plans. She also bought me a mental wellness journal to help organize my daily thoughts, and heal emotionally. She was never afraid to cry in front of me and become vulnerable. And she made me feel/do the same unto her. You don't need a filter when you're around her. She's a little crazy. I like that. - Thank you to everyone for reading this. There are other things that occurred to help build context, but this is the meat and bones. I really want to know what YOU would do in my shoes. Would you pursue her as a life partner, or continue ghosting her and dealing with empty emotions?