He doesn't care yet he asked me if the guy texts me. 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because you also didn't say what you really meant and he knew it -very transparent.  If your priority is to find someone who likes the same sexual acts/positions you do - more of a priority than finding someone you are attracted to and have stuff in common with (and then you would perhaps compromise on the specific sexual acts) - then stop seeing this guy.  Don't settle since you have these particular sexual wants for how the man should be during sex and you want to make up for your past when  you weren't sexually satisfied. Let this guy find someone who isn't settling for him.

I never said I wanted to stop having sex with him I actually don't want to stop. That's why I asked him if he was saying he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm going to go on one more date with the new guy. And then I'll make my decision. But then I have to tell the FWB guy that I don't want to have sex anymore. He said we could still be friends without the sex. But I really don't know how that would work. I mean really? Especially after the comment he made about how he knew he could get me back in bed again. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You’re supposed to share STD related health information or if you think you might be pregnant.
That sort of “communication “ so that your sex partner is safe and is aware if he potentially might be a father. And only because you two discussed sharing if the monogamous arrangement was going to end  

Sharing that you’re dating someone you might have sex with in the future is irrelevant and will come across badly especially because he likely knows you wish he’d want to be with you in a dating relationship. He doesn’t. 

I know at some point I'll have to decide if I decide to keep dating the new guy. The new guy doesn't like the same things I like sexually. The things that me and the FWB do to each other. I know because I asked him about certain things. 

The new guy seems to be romantic and that's what I like about him. But then that other part of me wants the FWB because I like the sex and I'm comfortable with him. I was in a relationship for seven years with a guy and I wasn't satisfied sexually. 

I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He can't even communicate properly he said he can talk to people about work but nothing else. Yet he has talked about personal things with me. At one point he said he was going to therapy but recently he said he doesn't have time for it.

I don't know why he just didn't say he doesn't want to have sex anymore if that's really what he meant. 

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So, essentially what you got from all of this prodding and attempted manipulation is that the guy can take you or leave you.   Why would you want a friend like this, much less to have sex with someone who is this blah about it?

Oh yeah. The guy who touches his penis when you're out on a "date" with him and who you ditched in a restaurant.   This is how it works when you think you're falling in love?  

I think that quite a few of us are having trouble figuring out why you would "like" either of these two guys.  The both sound exceptionally undesirable.  You have actually only shared very unsavory examples of how each of them have behaved towards you.   

 

So what was he supposed to say when I asked him if he said he didn't want to see me anymore? I'm not being manipulative. I've read that communication with FWB is important like telling each other if you're talking to or are involved with someone else. That's why I told him at least I knew he'd try to sabotage my relationship thinking that he could get me to start back up again. 

The second guy is intellectual I enjoyed having conversations when we were on our first date. It was just odd that he kept trying to hide that he was turned on. I assume he was probably feeling embarrassed and didn't want me to see it? Because it is visible. On the second date he kept moving around I don't know what was going on with him.

On 12/8/2023 at 9:42 AM, MissCanuck said:

Then you need to stop having sex with him. You and he don't have a healthy friendship now, and sex is complicating it because you caught feelings and he didn't. 

Plenty of people here have had similarly rough upbringings and understand it perfectly well. However, his rough childhood is not relevent to your current issue. Your current problem is that you want more from this and he doesn't. 

What I see is you making a lot of excuses for yourself to hang on to him when it's pretty clear he doesn't feel the same attachment to you. He doesn't seem to need you in his life the way you want him to. 

Your last thread was in fact evidence of this. You were wondering if he even wanted to see you again. This suggsts he's doing just fine without you as a constant presence. Think about what that means the next time you are looking for reasons to be his friend. 

He said he doesn't have many friends. That he only talks to his mom, her bf, and his other two guy friends. He never said he didn't want me in his life. I asked him flat out if he was saying he didn't want to see me anymore. And he said that wasn't what he was saying. He seems to be ok not having anyone in his life it's not specifically me.

I'm not in love with him yes I do like him I care about him. The only thing I'd want more of is seeing him like once a month that's it. I also like the other guy that I'm dating he's the one that I could probably fall in love with.  You don't understand that people can like several people at once.

I'll be honest I do care about him and right now I am not saying in a romantic way I mean just in general. It just seems like he's been through a lot. He has issues with communication he said he doesn't really talk to anyone. And the things he's told me about like how he didn't have food growing up, how he was both physically and verbally abused as a child. I can't really explain it I just feel sad about it. And I think it's the reason why he's like he is today. Being abused by friends etc. I just want us to have a healthy friendship. 

I don't think anyone here will really understand if they haven't had a rough childhood. 

20 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I have to say, it doesn't seem you are beng honest with yourself about your feelings for your FWB. 

 

Yeah, well it doesn't seem like he wants to be in a relationship period. If he's talking about how he knows he could get me back in bed knowing that I'm talking to another guy.

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the guy you're dating now? Who "makes me feel a little uneasy". 

Yes, I went on a second date and I felt uneasy and walked out. He was acting strange like he couldn't sit still. And then I noticed that he was looking down at my breasts. 

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

At the end of the day, you need to drop this FWB. 

Why? Given that it's the second thread you've recently created about him, it's clear you are really into him - but he apparently doesn't want a relationship with you. 

Why waste your time on this? 

I don't want a relationship with him hence the reason why I've been dating the other guy. It's just that he and I aren't sexually compatible. 

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I believe she thinks that she feels close to him. Though it is weird that she equates her FWB and a family member. 😆

Lots of people, especially women, feel they connect through sex. So, maybe she means on that. 

OP, you already asked the same question. We told you that for him its just sex and that he actually has "healthy" boundary about FWB thing. And that if you tried to make him jelly, it doesnt work. 

Also, how does your new boyfriend feels about you keeping your FWB in your life? Do you think this "friendship" is sustainable when you are in a relationship with someone? 

Yes, what you're saying is what I mean when I say he's like family. I was not trying to make him jealous when I told him that. He even told me to tell him if I have sex with someone else to let him know. So we can just be friends without the sex. But then he commented how he knows he can get me back to having sex with him again. I also don't get why he told his mother about me either. So I guess they have been made mouthing me.

The new guy doesn't know about him I told him things ended with us in August. I do like the new guy he's nice but he makes me feel a little uneasy. 

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Reading your other thread on this guy it sounds to me like you want more than a FWB with him.  Is that true?  Be honest with us but more importantly with yourself.

  Lost

I like the sex and comfort that I feel with him he feels like family to me. But I like the other guy for dating and romance.

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

There is a lot of territory between "just being honest" and telling people things that are not their business to see how they'll react.  

How did you get "benefits" with a person 1000 miles away?  Just curious.

Honestly, I didn't tell him to see how he would react. I would go see the guy once or twice a year. He was going through a rough time and I'd help him out. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe he didn't get why you were reporting to him about your dating life -or maybe he did -he called your bluff.  Sounds like you were trying to make him jealous or "confess" that he wishes you two were properly dating.  He will stop having sex with you if you are no longer sexually monogamous -a safe and healthful thing to do.  It's not a good look to tell a sex partner details of your dating life -what was your motivation?

I told him because I don't like to play games and I wanted to be upfront and honest. Also, I wasn't sure if he wanted to keep being FWB or not.

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This particular FWB situation seems very fraught with game playing and weird complications.  Isn't the whole point of FWB is to be able to have sex with somebody you find reasonably likable, without all of the trappings of a relationship?

Frankly, OP, you do not seem to be cut out for FWB.  

I'm not playing any games I was just being honest. Isn't that important when it comes to FWB? This isn't the first time I've been FWB I had one who was a thousand miles away. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

He may not be interested in seeing you anymore,  but is not cutting you off completely.  Either he wants to be kind, or he may prefer to leave the door open in case sometime in the future he would like to access to the "benefits' you've offered. 

Do you not understand the part where I mentioned that he told me he wasn’t saying that he doesn’t want to see me again? Or is that just being completely ignored…

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your FWB has been pretty clear. He will see you again if the chance arises. It seems he is not ruling it out but also not making specific plans to see you. If you meet someone else in the meantime, cool. No hard feelings.

What else do you need to know? 

I’m not sure why people here are trying to convince me that he’s saying something different than what he told me in person. I asked him flat out if he was saying that he didn’t want to see me again and he said that’s not what he’s saying. 

Just now, LootieTootie said:

I'm not saying he doesn't want to see you, I'm saying he's treating you as an afterthought and telling you to date other men. Are you ok with that?

If you're ok with being an afterthought and an occasional FWB - yes, feel free to keep this relationship. 

You’re making it seem like he just randomly said it’s ok if I date other men. He only said it because I mentioned that I had gone out on a date.  He wasn’t telling me to go be with someone else because he didn’t want to see me again. He and I are friends whether we have sex or not. He even told his mother that he and I are friends.

3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

No girl... your second date with him sealed it that he's a creep.

Also, if your FWB is telling you to go date and enjoy dating other, and you only see each other once in a blue moon, its obvious this man isn't in to you.

I hope you realized that the more you continue being a "second thought" in this FWB's life, you will always perpetuate a pattern with men who don't treat you like a "primary thought." Part of healing from abusive (and creepy) men is to love yourself, and treat yourself as someone who is deserving of healthy love. It looks like you're just trying to avoid a commitment because your afraid and you stick with a FWB who tells you to go see other men.

 

 

He told me it was ok for me to date other people because we aren’t in a relationship. He said if it makes me happy then I should. I’m not really sure why people are saying it means that he doesn’t want to see me anymore. When he told me that’s not what he meant. If he said that’s not what he meant then that’s it. 
 

The second guy is disappointed because I left and because I didn’t like the restaurant. He said he’s never felt so disconnected with anyone on a date. I don’t get it I mean the way he was acting made me feel uncomfortable. 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If a guy ever made me uncomfortable enough to ditch out on the date, then that's the last he'd ever see of me.

Trust your gut, which is telling you that you don't trust the guy.

As for your FWB, you already asked him, and he answered. What more can we tell you?

Yeah I did feel uncomfortable today he told me that he was disappointed that I left the restaurant. And that I didn’t like the place. He said he’s never experienced someone being so disconnected with him on a date. I don’t know what he expects when he was being a creep.

I was actually going to give him another chance but I think I’m done this is crazy. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and when the reality hit he realized he couldn't handle it/didn't want to handle it - like I said sex complicates friendships.  Or he realized being friends with a woman he had intercourse with might hamper his opportunities -he might have his eye on someone he likes and not want to mess it up if she finds out he's close friends with a woman he had intercourse with.

Yes in general communication is important.  Specifically -he is communicating -his silence is his way of showing you he wants space from you.  Silence is his answer to your question - take his silence as a NO.  

He might not want to be friends with a woman he’s had sex with. Again he never said he didn’t want to be friends with me….

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

FWBs are meant to be temporary, so this looks like a watershed moment whereas the end should now happen. You're upset enough to write on a forum about him, questioning if he no longer wants you around. So that's the point you should realize you're getting too emotionally invest in him.

You're not understanding that being friends with him will drive away any new dating prospects, who won't be comfortable with you hanging out with an ex FWB. And if you think he won't completely cut you off when he gets a gf, you're very naive. Best to free yourself now. It's the right time.

 

I don't understand why me wanting to know if he wants to continue seeing me is an issue. Like why is that a problem? Communication is important it has nothing to do with catching feelings. 
I wanted to know if he wanted to continue having sex or not. He is the one who said that he and I could still be friends even if we don't have sex. He told me to let him know if I start having sex with someone else so that we can stop.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

The problem is choosing to add intercourse increases the risk of the friendship also ending.  Especially if one person gets the impression the other person wants more.  He may have met someone who prefers him not being in touch with people he recently had sex with and is friends with.

I'm not sure what you're saying he didn't say he met someone. I told him I went out on a date with someone. And he told me it was okay if I wanted to date since he and I are just friends. And if I actually met someone I liked and wanted to have sex with. To let him know and he and I would stop having sex and just be friends.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, a guy who stared at your breasts only wants sex. But a guy "cleaning your pipes" once every few months dont. Both are terrible candidates for a relationship. And just want one thing. And you are not too far either. With having FWB but trying to have a serious relationship. Break up your FWB arrangement. Then try to date for real. Prefferably with somebody who wont stare at your breasts whole date.

Also, have you said your FWB how you are dating in hopes that he would pursue something more? Weak move girl, weak move. He just wants one thing. Hence why he doesnt care if you date around at all.

No, I'm not telling him that hoping he'll want to date me. I just told him because I'm being honest what's wrong with that? He told me if I met someone and had sex to tell him and we could just be friends without the sex. He never said he didn't want to see me again.

The second guy said he wants a relationship and he's been saying that for over a year now.