WintersDay

I guess this is a fluid question based on so many different factors but it’s one I find very interesting……

Not relating this at all to my last BU but the topic got me thinking to what has happened to me previously……about 12 years or so ago I was with a man for 5 years. Loved him. He broke up with me over some very wish washy reasons and then 15 months later ended up blowing up my phone begging for me to take him back and to become his wife ….I was far far too gone and healed by that point to consider it. 
 

So, this question made me ponde. For those who have done it and got back together, what did it actually look like? Was it one of you coming back (like my ex from many moons ago) with huge regrets, wanting the other back etc or was it much more nuanced in terms of slowly talking again, maybe meeting up for a drink/dinner and slowly evolving? 

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's great. Enjoy your budding relationship, it's good to move forward. Maybe losing this ex was a blessing in disguise since you seem to have found a gem?

Thankyou. Like I say, I’m taking it super slow. I wasn’t ready whatsoever when this man turned up and I told him that and have been completely honest from the outset that initially I worried this was a rebound…..he’s been solid as a rock when I’ve been upset and most people would have run a mile and continues to surpass expectations.

My ex has very strangely had an office built for him in my department that he has absolutely no business being in. At the same time, the info about the young women came filtering through and on top of that I was told by my family about his prior plans to marry me etc………it’s been a really tough time and I really pulled away from this new guy at the time who quietly and persistently has been there throughout and said he understood I was hugely hurt and having a very difficult time but he wanted to keep seeing me at my own pace. I was shell shocked. I’ve now started to get over these feelings and really start to like him a lot. 

It’s been an odd dynamic of meeting someone whilst heartbroken compared to all my previous experiences of ‘fireworks’ when meeting people previously. I don’t know what any of the future holds but I’ve been hurt so much by pinning everything on my future that I’m now ready to let go for a bit, live in the here and now and see what happens 
 

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sounds like you're on a good path.  

Thankyou. I’m getting there. Having spent months of being absolutely incredulous as to how people can behave the way they do to good people and beating myself up about how hung up and how long it was taking to feel better, I’m finally coming to the realisation that the one person who is going to be better off after all of this is me. I doubt my ex will do any self reflection, work, or change his behaviour and will likely repeat the same pattern again. I on the other hand have really done a deep deep dive into behaviours and boundaries I will speak up about in the future. 

So, a brief over view of my story is available on some of my other posts of a breakup that literally broke me and rocked my world - never has a breakup ever affected me like this before dealing with full blown panic attacks, losing 2 stone in weight…..mourning the loss of my home, best friend and possibility of me ever having kids…….

I really struggled as he works at the same place and such was my love or him, I really struggled to get into any sort of ‘anger’ despite what I realise now, was an absolutely appalling way to treat someone. He covertly ousted me from our home, devalued and denigrated me over the course of two weeks and then stone walled me out of nowhere just before buying our own home and him telling all my friends and family he was going to propose to me. 

Anyway, I’m at 6.5 month stage now and honestly the thought of my ex and being with my ex utterly disgusts me. I know anger and disgust aren’t ‘nice or healthy’ feelings but I am so thankful they are now here. 

I have also started dating the most gorgeous man who I tried to keep at arms length as I told him I was still healing and no where near ready (how he didn’t run a mile I have no idea!?) He’s everything my ex isn’t. Patient, humble and completely unselfish. 

Ive no idea where it’s going to go but we’re taking things very slow and enjoying each others company. I continue to be super open with him about ‘where I’m at’ in terms of moving on and how I feel about what’s happened to me. 

My 45 year old ex is still apparently going out getting wasted and chasing girls in their early 20’s……I hope he finds whatever it is he was ‘missing’ from the person who adored him for 4 years and was ready to give him everything he said he wanted. I’ve now told work colleagues I don’t wish to hear anything about his further behaviour/dalliances so to kindly not tell me.

I’m not 100% healed (more like 75%) but really starting to feel like there’s progress being made! 

He didn’t say that and nor did I ask him that question. 

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. That's exactly what I stated . It's great you can feel more relaxed at work and be civil to each other. However your question was why did he defer the invitation to have a beer. 

He didn’t say no, he said he wants to talk more first before we see each other outside - that’s what my question was about. Sometimes mending things takes time and is done slowly, especially I think on a fear based breakup (lots of stories following that path on this very forum) 

Like I say, I haven’t chased him and will not chase him further but continue to forge the friendly interactions when we do see each other at work (they are few and far between luckily) all I wanted was a bit of advice on how to proceed - it is the ‘getting back together’ forum after all. 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't pursue him by emailing him and asking him out. Unfortunately as you noticed, he's not interested. 

Again, I am not, and have not, been ‘chasing’ him as you so bluntly put it. Please take your negativity and lack of empathy somewhere else, it’s not appreciated - it’s not the first time I’ve seen you react to other posters this way and they haven’t appreciated it either judging by their replies. 

I emailed him afterwards to say how lovely it was we could talk and he agreed. It’s been an absolutely horrible time to go through this with a man who basically ran scared. It’s called mending broken bridges and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me being friendly and attempting to do so. 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's nice you can feel more relaxed at work and be civil to each other. However he seems to be enjoying single life so please stop chasing him. 

I’m not ‘chasing him’ whatsoever but Thankyou. 

So….horrible out of the blue break up that’s been about 5.5 months now and god was I utterly devastated. My ex wasn’t particularly great either and basically just stonewalled me out of a happy 4 year Relationship (big life changes were coming and I got the whole ‘somethings missing’ line - I think he basically just ran off from house/engagement plans that were coming up despite him initiating them) 
 

Anyway, as time has gone on I’m now no longer the anxious heartbroken mess I was (but admittedly would still like to repair things and still have some sadness over it all) I’ve been super busy with study, friends, work, hobbies etc. lost 10kgs and looking good. Been on a handful of dates and enjoyed myself but no where near ready to open up my heart or feel the ‘excitement’ of it so I’m going to dial back on dating for a while…

Onto my ex…..I don’t think he’s seen single life quite how he thought it might turn out. He was heard lamenting at work how he’s destined to be a lonely old bachelor and a few weeks ago I’d heard he’d been out at some club (he’s 45 and likes quiet pubs) was horrendously drunk to the point he was thrown out and was trying it on with girls 20 years younger than him who rejected him……(might have brought the old ego down a notch or two - I was quite pleased to hear it actually)

Anyway, last week by chance we finally ended up alone in each others company at work and finally ended up having the most lovely conversation joking about work, asking about families, Xmas etc. I didn’t want it to end.

I sent him an email afterwards just to say how lovely it was and would he like to meet me for a beer to have a proper catch up. He replied saying he agreed but wanted to interact with some more chats at work first before meeting up? 

A little bit confusing….what do people make of that? Im going to continue putting one foot in front of the other and ride this out (it’s all I can do) but would dearly love for him to come around to thinking we could try again.  

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know it's a pop song but I like to adhere to the words at the end of Destiny's Child song "Survivor":

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' hate on you in the magazines
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon' compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon' diss you on the internet
'Cause my mama taught me better than that

Maybe don't discuss him at all with coworkers because guaranteed they will run to him telling him what you said (even the ones who swear they won't).  And on a professional level that's not a great idea.

I'm glad you are holding your head high. No reason not to.  You're an accomplished woman with a lot to be proud of.

Thankyou. I try my best. 

As much as I’ve ruminated, cried and completely overthought everything someone at work said something really quite lovely to me the other day…..

I’ve basically lost about 14kgs since the breakup and now into a UK size 8. I wore a designer dress to our Xmas party the other week I haven’t worn since I was 24.

Obviously it’s not a diet to be recommended but it has actually helped my confidence that people come up to me and say how great I’m looking. I feel so much better for it and I’ve kept it up…..my colleague commented the other day she felt bad for saying how well I was looking weeks ago without knowing I was breaking, to quote her the other day ‘none of us had absolutely any idea any of this had happened, you’ve been so strong!’ 

I really wish I could confess to her that in reality I’ve been a complete bloody mess the entire time (my poor mum will attest to that, she’s been amazing) 

Im in my dream job, and at 38 have spent the last five years returning to academia as well as working full time and hence I have tried my absolute best to keep things looking good in the workplace whilst still being able to have some vulnerability there which I think is a good thing when having worked in a hospital for so very long. 

As ‘hope’ is fading (and it is, slowly, I wish I could make it go quicker) I am getting glimmers of knowing that I’ve acted right, that this is all on him, and by the time it all hits this sorry specimen of a man of how great he actually had things I will no longer care and he will have to witness the entire show played out before him. 

I love these strong moments. I’m trying my very best to grab onto them when they are here x 

49 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The problem with breakups within a workplace, uni or small town is that they're magnified by an audience of community. This can prompt the ex who feels most guilty to view the other through the lens of a martyr who will attempt to turn the community against him or her. And that can prompt the stony and cold behavior of defensiveness.

Your gesture sent a message that you're not hostile toward him, and that released him from his self-made pressure cooker. That's great, because it will make your life easier to no longer deal with someone who perceived you as an enemy.

The problem with holding hope of reconciling is that it fails to address the lack of security you would face from one who could drop you out of nowhere on a dime. That can't be fixed, because he's already demonstrated that he owns the capacity to do that. So what's to trust in him? He could be planning a home and future one minute, and drop you on your arse the next. Is that kind of perpetual eggshell walk really the way would choose to live?

Head high, and I hope that 2024 will become your best year ever.

One thing throughout all of this that I am extremely proud of is that I have not bad mouthed him to ANY of my co-workers. At best all they have had from me is that I was really hurt and I don’t understand what’s happened. 

I did hear his previous ex (who also worked at the same place) made things very difficult for him - tried to punch him, contacted him through the company operators when he was working at night, made huge crying scenes and slagged him off to anyone and everyone who would listen. I wonder if the complete stone cold avoidance and mean glares were perhaps somewhat attributed to those previous experiences he had…..anyway, what does it matter now? 

The self made pressure cooker statement actually really resonates…..he was doing this across so many aspects of life prior to him getting rid of me. He’s not a happy man and lord knows what other thing he will need to change or get rid of next. Good luck to him. 
 

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I intend to keep holding my head high and not changing the kind and decent person that I know I am x 

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's nice the cold shoulder is over, but please don't get your hopes up. Enjoy your holidays with friends and family and yes keep moving forward but without hoping he'll change his mind.  Wishing and hoping serves no purpose other than to produce pain and disappointment. Please set yourself free and let go. Give yourself that gift for Christmas. 

Thankyou. And yes, it feels great the cold shoulder has gone. That’s the effect I wanted (and yes, admittedly a small part wanted to give him a small push in my direction)

It came from a place of wanting to feel some sort of peace and I feel it’s done both of those things and I’ve got my answers. 

11 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

I dare say if you could, to find another 

I’m sorry it happened to you too. It’s hard to fathom at the time isn’t it? 
 

Another job is an impossibility sadly. I’ve been here 17 years, worked my way and up finally been put on a Masters course and in my dream role which has all been funded by my employer - it’s pretty specialised too so would involve moving across the country to do it elsewhere - absolutely nobody is worth me giving that up for. 
 

Like I say, I feel better now the ‘frost’ has gone. It’s been dreadful and quite frankly mentally draining. 

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Stay the course. You did the right thing in including him and you got a positive reaction. The reality of the situation is that you can't just forget and ignore him. As coworkers you will have to interact. Wouldn't it be better to be friendly with each other and be able to talk without the tension of what happens? 

Thankyou. Like I say, I’m being completely honest when I say it was done with the slight intention of giving him a little push shall we say - the feeling of wanting him back is natural and is going to reside (but hopefully slowly ebb away!) for a little while yet. 
 

However, I am glad I’ve done it. It’s a stark contrast to having to constantly walk around my work place wondering when I’m going to get hit with the next evil glare, be ignored or be on the receiving end of some fake terse ‘hi’ when he thinks someone’s watching. I’m tired of feeling like that so hopefully breaking that ice a bit will help me feel happier whilst I’m there. 
 

Merry xmas

Now….I already know I’m going to get blasted for this. Apologies in advance for the long post. 

For people who don’t know my backstory (I’ve posted the full details of my struggles and the BU previously for the full story) I’m 38 and my 44 bf broke up with me out of the blue in August after 4 really happy years together. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been devastated as we were in the process of buying a house, talks of marriage, family etc etc and he dropped me like a rock out of absolutely nowhere citing ‘somethings missing’ (this is a man who had never been with anyone longer than 18 months before me) This came out of absolutely nowhere - and no, there isn’t a 3rd party (He, and mutual friends have been clear on this)

It’s been HARD. I’m normally such an easy going chilled person and suffered full blown panic attacks for the first time in my life. I’m 38, ended up back home with my mum, lost my partner, best friend, future, possibility of family etc etc. 

Anyway, the thing that’s made it harder is that he works in the same organisation as me. We don’t work together but will pass time to time. Once a week tops? The whole time he’s either ignored me, blanked me or said a very terse hello when other people have been around him. You would think I would have had an affair or something? 

My boss (who is his friend) was pretty unsupportive and all I was told by her was to pull my big girl knickers up. She’s now moved him into an office in our department (of literally three people)

Lots and lots of reflection and self love has gone into me accepting that all of this is all on him and his insecurities and not me and something I’ve done ‘wrong’ which is what I’ve spent weeks and weeks feeling like.

Anyhow, time passes…and Christmas comes along and it’s time for sending cards out etc that I do every year. At the same time I’m healing and becoming so much more emotionally regulated (whilst still wanting to really process what the hell has happened) I went back and forth with myself and figured it would look pretty crappy if I didn’t include him. I sent a simple one with generic wishes. 
 

Randomly came across him today (he was walking through the halls rushing to surgery whilst on a call) He halted the call, gave me the the biggest smile, thanked me for the card and wished me and my family a lovely Christmas. 
 

Polite? Yes. But it’s a huge huge change from the man who had a complete freak out and has avoided me like the plague ever since. I’m not quite feeling indifferent yet (or else I wouldn’t be posting on here) but I will feel so much happier knowing that we are at least on speaking terms rather than having to spend every day at work with eyes in the back of my head. 

I guess I’m now in the weird mid point of wanting him back more than anything and wanting to forget. I guess the only thing to do now is NC but I’m now wondering wether time, space, getting into his own head, holidays etc etc have softened him a little or to help my own healing 

Any advice either way? It’s a bit of a rocky time. I’m obviously the broken-hearted women who would love to sort things out. I’m chucking myself into work, gym, post grad uni, friends and have also had a couple of (awful) dates since. Do I just keep moving forward and keep a tiny bit of hope that Peter Pan might realise what he’s thrown away? He was apparently lamenting the other day he’s going to be a lonely old bachelor forever. 
 

I’m trying my absolute best. I’ve been out on dates but so far nothing is connecting compared to him. It just all feels fake, I’m also stressing like hell that no one has ever sparked those feelings of wanting family/future like he has before and I’m now going to struggle. 

Would love to hear thoughts/advice 
 

Thankyou x 

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe he didn't know either -until he did.  

That’s the sad thing. Literally all our friends, family etc are shocked and confused over this. No one saw it coming, least of all me. 
 

It’s the feeling powerless to be able to try and put things right that I’m struggling with. I feel there is literally nothing I can do? 
 

I still love him. That hurts. I hope he’s made the right decision for himself. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you were listening to all his stress "like a punching bag", he was speaking to you. Agree with your theory that if he was this stressed out with family and work, you were the most dispensable factor contributing to his stress with pressure to move, get married and start a family. 

I guess what I meant by speaking to me is that he communicated nothing about ‘us’ being a problem whatsoever - I think this has what has made things really hard, I was under the impression it was all work, family health problems etc because that’s all he spoke of 

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  estrangement is estrangement no matter what.  Feelings are same.  It's difficult to move on as they say.  What helped me to prevent myself from being fixated on the person who rejected me and / or if we are currently in no contact mode,  is to get on with my own life.  Apparently that person doesn't think I'm worthy so I should return the favor by doing likewise.  I've since become very industrious,  productive and work hard whatever endeavors whether it be at work,  my fitness,  getting healthy,  surrounding myself with very moral immediate family and friends.  I do what I enjoy whether it's hobbies,  cooking,  outings,  reading my library books (not e-books),  real paper newspaper subscriptions,  catching up on watching some movies or documentaries and the choices are truly limitless. 

Work on you.  Ruminating is easy to do.  I no longer give that person my brain space which he or she does not deserve.  You'll never forget the person who wronged you.  However,  you can do the best you can by living your best life.  Start anew with a clean,  fresh slate.  Do a reset and re-program your brain and your life.  Make daily or weekly plans and stick to it.  Put yourself on a schedule.  You will be pleasantly surprised to discover how much you will enjoy life without people you don't treat you with respect.  This is how it is in life.  You learn to readjust and adapt during various stages of your life. 

Create your own healthy boundaries.  Get busy.  Preoccupy yourself and you'll realize insignificant people in your life will become merely a blur and eventually nonexistent. 

When you pass each other,  ignore him.  Don't look at him.  Go your own way.  Stay strong and most of all,  be tough. 

Thankyou. Lots of good advice here and honestly, I really am trying to do all those things - work, study, go out with friends, delete everything etc……I find myself doing them but I’m only there physically and not mentally. 
 

I guess, it’s better than the start of the breakup when I couldn’t even leave the house for fear of a panic attack for the first time in my adult life?  Perhaps even being able to do all these tasks should be celebrated more and hopefully the background ‘noise’ of my ex will start to fade. That’s what I hope for anyway 

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If it resonates - I did want my ex fiancé back within a month of cancelling the wedding. I missed him a lot !! Thought I’d made a mistake. He said no. He said it would be lovely and romantic - short term - but then we’d face the same issues - my doubts about marrying him etc. 

When we did reconcile almost 8 years later I knew I hadn’t made a mistake ending it the first time. We weren’t right for each other at that time. We both changed over the years in ways that ended up making us make perfect sense and making him my person and me his person. It would have been a mistake to try again back then and I bet if it had ended again we’d never have reconciled. Which would have been a real shame. 
We had very limited contact when we were apart. We never spoke of how we were doing apart from each other. What would have been the point? Why are you going there with your ex ? Or letting him comment on how he’s doing without you ??

I think I had read your story in the getting back together thread that I read through in its entirety about three weeks back when I was feeling particularly in need of some hope. 
 

Yours is a fabulous story (although I realise it’s very rare) 

It does hammer home though that in his present state I would NOT want him back.

Someone said something to me today which I think helps me look at it slightly differently……instead of focussing every bit of energy on him try and look at this present in time as your ‘new normal’ 

new normal seems an entirely more positive place to be than stuck and heartbroken so I’m going to keep repeating that mantra to myself 

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Perfectly natural and reasonable questions. I’m a believer in filling in blanks with answers that I choose to adopt because they serve my own best interests. So in your case, given your empathic nature, along with your experience with patients under extreme life-altering stressors, you are well qualified to connect some dots.

Think of the people under your care who were once loving and generous personalities whose reaction to extreme stress was to withdraw from society and loved ones in a way that their families describe as a complete opposite of their true disposition?

How much research have you explored about the nature of trauma impacts on personality? We as observers don’t have a measuring device for this kind of tipping point in people. We only know that every individual’s reaction to stress is unique and unpredictable.

This is where your professional brain can integrate with your empathic mind, where you can connect this stress wildcard with the behavior of your loved one. You can intuit that a stress response can often be one of impotence and a blanket reaction against all intimacy that wipes out all reliance on anyone’s prior expectations.

So this becomes less personal toward you, and more about recognizing imagined ‘self’ preservation when you see it. The hostility that has followed is just an extension of that imagined self preservation. It’s like someone who doesn’t know how to set a reasonable boundary attempting to defend whatever boundary they’ve decided to set—with hyper-vigilance.

If you can approach ex’s hyper-vigilance with an empathic lens that’s informed by your professional lens, you may be able to depersonalize this and allow yourself to let go of at least some degree of your injury.

I hope none of this sounds like I’m implying that you ‘should’ be able to pull this off, because you are just as human as he is—and he’s not your patient, he’s been your partner for years, and you are as entitled to your grief as he is. I only hope to offer an angle that might benefit you in working through your pain. My heart goes out to you.

Wow. Thankyou. That is indeed a far healthier way of looking at things for me. I’m going to cut and paste that and save it as a message I can look at whenever I’m having a real down day. 
 

Some of it could indeed be true. He said to me that he isn’t stressed and hasn’t been experiencing anxiety at work now we had broken up…..absolute BS 

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't even think of being with someone who comes back because he is not enjoying "single life" - why in the world would that be your standard?

I guess what I meant to say is if he ever comes to the realisation of Oh my god, I’ve made a massive mistake 

I know that isn’t a healthy thing to think at all 

I know 😞 I’m having a hard time letting go of the hope that he’s going to find single life not all it’s cracked up to be and want to come back. 
 

What’s also upsetting is I know how pathetic this all seems. I just don’t seem to have the tools within me to be able to turn it off and I really don’t want to feel like this. It’s honestly not who I am. 

I was SUCH a happy, easy going, chilled, secure person. I’m just completely broken. 
 

The girl I was has gone, and I just don’t know how to get her back. 😢

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please avoid him whenever possible and delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Unfortunately he's right not to drag out a breakup and make a clean break. There's absolutely no reason to rehash things or try to convince him he made a mistake and should come back.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in marriage and he very specifically told you that was why he ended it. 

Even though the breakup hurts and he simply got you to vacate his apartment to that end, please accept that it's over. 

Oh he absolutely believes in marriage and wants to get married and start a family. He was the one always talking about where it would be/who we would invite, what we would name our children etc etc. 

Evidently he now just doesn’t want those things with me. 

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you continuing to contact him? Are you engineering situations where you'll run into him? Are you still trying to get him to see you? Are you looking at his social media, looking at photos and/or rereading messages he sent you? Are you continually discussing him with your friends and family? Are you asking his family and/or friends about him?

How is it that you run into him? Are you seeking him out, deliberately going places you know he'll be?

A therapist doesn't just listen. They give you tools and recommendations on how to get yourself to an emotionally healthy place.  Does your insurance cover therapy?

Thankfully he’s not on any sort of social media, I deleted all our messages, I don’t have his phone number as I deleted that - I’m trying to do my best with all of these things. 
 

Like I say, I did reach out via email a few days back to see if we could meet to make peace as it’s making it very difficult for me at work with him ignoring me and blanking me. I thought at least getting on some sort of friendly terms would help the pain/cloud of animosity that feels like it’s following me around. He’s said no and I don’t understand why.