miffy

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

But, I do think it would be smart for you to do a quick "reality check" when you find yourself looking back on that relationship "with love."  

It does not sound like love was in play.

Hi Jaunty, thank you for following my situation and responding to this post. I just want to clarify that when I say I look back on the situation “with love and grace” it’s more so towards myself, not him. I recognize that it was a bad situation and like I said, I have no intentions of going back, I just have episodes that happen often of me missing what could have been, which I understand isn’t healthy either. I guess I feel nostalgic about being in a relationship, since it was the first one I’ve ever experienced. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You wrote that he force you to abandon your dream of being an actress.  You are still very young.  Do you still have that dream?   If you do, pursue it.  It will take up most of your energy and head space.  If you are not wanting to be a professional actress anymore, maybe you would still enjoy acting in a community theatre production or independent film.  Those pursuits also will take up a LOT of your time, energy and head space - requiring you to develop a character, learn lines, and be present for a bunch of rehearsals.

Also, do you have a job?

Unfortunately, I’ve kind of lost my love for acting. I really don’t want to be in the spotlight anymore and I don’t know if I see myself ever getting back to a place where I’d like to put myself on display like that again. But I still do technically work in the industry. I’ve been doing many gigs on set as a background performer, so it’s been a good way to get myself out of the house and make money to support me. 

I think where I’m having trouble is the balance of it all. I want to allow myself to have time to grieve and heal and give myself grace to process what’s happened, but I also want to quickly move forward with my life and be proactive. I’m getting really frustrated with the “healing” period, because I just want to be done with it. At this point, it’s been 2 months since I’ve last seen/talked to him, and 4 months since the initial break up. For a relationship that lasted about a year and a half, I should be over it by now, shouldn’t I?

8 hours ago, vaxxter510 said:

Please watch Teal Swan's youtube video on "Intermittent Reinforcement". This video explains how intense relationships can become so addictive because of the lack of consistency and balance and the constant chase for validation from conflictive individuals.  This may give you insight on why is it so hard to move on. 

Grieving is necessary but it can become very counter productive for every day tasks, I was tired of being interrupted by deep sadness and making excuses at work to go and cry in my car. So I started setting reminders to "feel sad for 10 minutes" on a schedule lol I know it sounds dumb. But it allowed myself to be okay with my grieving process and more importantly, to be connected with the present moment when it still wasn't time for that break yet. Eventually something funny happened, when the "feel sad" alert came up on my phone I kept postponing it until it was no longer needed.

Aside from being emotional, getting over someone is a very physical process. Put your body in the best position to deal with the pain. Engage in regular exercise, HIIT workouts are specially good at helping you get rid of all that stagnant emotional energy. Hydrate, and eat healthy. I usually avoid most carbs because they have a tendency to make me want to eat again while I'm not hungry, which in turn affects how I feel. I'm not suggesting my diet to you, but look up online for foods that will help your body feel better emotionally. I bet you sugar, bread and pasta and not in there lol. 

Engage in activities that you have never done before. In my darkest times I usually learned a new skill or hobby. I took salsa classes, learned photography and even practiced dragon boat racing. I also made a few meaningful connections along the way. 

Wow, thank you so so much for your insight. I really appreciate you sharing your own experience; it really helps me to feel a little less down about feeling the way I do. 

My diet and exercise are very poor as I tend to eat little to nothing and I don’t do much physical activity so I can see how that could affect my emotional state too. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness.

As well, I actually really love your idea of setting the “feel sad” reminder, as I can that working for myself, and I imagine it would feel really nice to reach the day where I no longer need the reminder.

Thank you again vaxxter, I will take your advice xx 

Hello, I hope everyone’s doing well. 

It’s been months since I’ve last been on here; I thought I was doing really well and handling myself pretty good but lately I’ve been feeling quite sad again and missing my ex…

I know it’s all nostalgia for what we had and could have been, and I have no intention of going back. I don’t have him on any social media, his contact is blocked, and I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly to process my emotions and work through them, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend and my family, travelling around and doing fun activities to keep my mind busy. I definitely feel much freer and happier than I’ve been in the past year and I really believe I’m making a little progress, but I’m really getting fed up with the healing process and how often my mind tends to stray from my goals and motivation for the future back to him.

Everyone, my family, my friends, my therapist, says that it takes time to heal and I’ll continue to feel like this for awhile, but I’m so tired of feeling sad and missing him. I’m sick of thinking of him every time there’s a break in my thoughts. I’m sick of seeing him in my dreams. I’m sick of him being the first thing to come up in my mind whenever I see a happy couple. It’s so annoying to me and I wish I could just forget him and the relationship completely.

Don’t get me wrong, I still look back on it with a lot of love and grace, since I learned so much and I feel I’ve grown a little bit and have a lot more growing to do, but with the new year coming up, I just want to move on with my life. Any other advice other than ‘time will heal’? I just want to be better and do better… Thank you for reading all the way through. I hope you’re doing well.

Thank you everyone for your advice and just for reading and helping out with my situation. I have a lot to process now and I'm really hurting, but I'm going to focus on working through it with my therapist. I guess this will be the end of this thread as I feel like there's nothing else to be really said, but thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for helping me through this. I truly appreciate you all and I hope you all are happy and healthy.

xx Miffy

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You don't have to tell him anything other than "I've decided this relationship doesn't work for me.  Please don't try to contact me anymore." and then block his number and any and all means of contact including social media connections.  Do the same for his family and friends (except no message needed).

And yes, you're going to feel bad for a while.  You'll second guess.  You'll "miss" him.  But fog can't clear until the sun burns it off or a breeze blows it away.  You're going to be standing in the sun and in a gentle breeze once you cut this abuser out of your life.

Thank you for your kind words and helpful insight. I will send that message and be done with the whole relationship. 

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, he does not truly love you. 

And yes, you need him out of your life for good. This is not and never was a relationship that has any sort of future. 

 

Thank you for your response and for keeping up with my post. I took all the comments to heart.

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You do NOT need to negotiate no contact with your ex. He is not required to agree--so don't bother trying to sell him on it. Just do it, and you will look back and REALLY thank yourself once you've gained the perspective to see clearly that you were only one lie away from letting this guy ruin your life.

Head high. 

Thank you for your response. I wasn't going to try to convince him, I just wanted to send him a note saying I'm done and then go full no-contact. All the messages have really drilled it home that I have to let this go.

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How about you actually make a written list of must-haves in a partner and dealbreakers, and then stick to it when you one day are ready to date again? That should ease your anxiety about dating in the future.

I'd text him that for your own good, you're going no contact, and there will be no reconciliation. 

And then block him before he can respond. I know that's hard for you, but not blocking him will keep the door open to his manipulation. And then I'd probably make myself scarce because with his controlling ways, he will try to track you down.

Take care of yourself. 

Thank you, Andrina. I appreciate your kind words. After opening up to my therapist, I realize I have no other option other than to stop talking to him. Thank you for your response.

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would you EVER treat someone you love the way he treats you?

ALL abusers act "sweet" sometimes. Especially if they think their abuse toy is about to leave them. 

Are you still lying to your family and your therapist? If so, think long and hard about why you feel the need to lie to them. 

Thank you for your response. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow so I’ll be telling her what’s going on.

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Of course he doesn't "truly love you."  Like I already said:  If he loved you, he'd want to see you fulfill your dreams and be happy.  This is exactly what he does not want because he feels threatened by it.  Nothing about love in that.  

When you move on, how he lives the rest of his life is not your business.  Whether he forgets about you or holds a special place for you in his heart - none of your business.  

Your job is to move on and get some help so you can have a successful life and no more abusive relationships with this guy or others like him.

Now please stop posting as if you have no capacity to function - yes, you have a lot of strong feelings, but you are still absolutely capable of not engaging with this guy any further.  Most especially stop trying to convince him of anything.   Just convince yourself of this:  you haven't seen the worst he has to offer yet.  If you are interested in more of the same (including being cheated on) and worse,  that is exactly what you are signing up for by keeping up this back and forth you're nurturing.

 

Ouch…. thank you for your input. I understand.

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please wake up and listen to your people and therapist. 

Thank you so much for your response and concern. I just scheduled an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow. It’ll take me a long time to open my eyes to what happened honestly. I still love him with all my heart.

48 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm not one to bandy about diagnoses on these boards but I can say, without labeling him in any way, that you provide something for him that he needs profoundly.  He needs to have an easily manipulated girl by his side at all times and he's had good luck with you so far… it will be a challenge to find a replacement for this, so he's holding on tightly.
 

Thank you for responding again. I’d like to hear your opinion: do you think he actually loves me or just what I’m able to provide for him? I really hope that he truly loves me and that even when we separate, he’ll still have love for me, but from what everyone is saying, it sounds like when he finds someone else to take my place, he’ll completely forget about me. I’m really scared of that.

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

"Hurt people hurt people."  The majority of abusers were abused.  That is very sad.  But it's not your role to be their victim, though they arrived at this place because of their childhood experiences.  Your role is to honor yourself and make the most of your life

Thank you again for responding. I guess I just don't want to hurt anymore, and I wish I could stop the hurt he feels too. I've been slowly accepting that I have to end things for good, but that's where I'm having a problem. I've tried to tell him that I have to walk away because I can't be in a relationship anymore, but I keep getting convinced to stay. I don't want to just block him and stop all contact without telling him why because I don't want to hurt him. I feel horrible because I feel like I gave him some hope that we would be getting back together by agreeing to see him and spending a night with him. I figured that sending him a message to end things would be the best way to do it so I don't get manipulated back in and that way I don't just disappear after speaking with him for a bit. Is this a good idea?

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Rewind and think about this:

You felt you had to give up your dream career of being an actress because of his insecurities.

A relationship based on that will NEVER be "THE ONE."  Never.  THE ONE is a person who wants you to achieve your dreams and goals.

Go back to acting school or auditions or whatever you were doing to pursue your dreams in that arena.  GO NOW.  Focus on that.  Remember that this guy was going to prevent you from doing this, and YOU DO IT.

Thank you, Jaunty. I really want to do that, but I feel so unmotivated and sad about this whole situation. I don't know how to get back into it when I'm feeling so desolate.

On 10/11/2023 at 4:50 PM, SooSad33 said:

You got this backwards.  it's NOT you it's him!

And don't bring this word 'love' into this.  It's not love at all, it's abuse! 😕 .  he's got a long while yet, before he's truly changed!  Don't fall for his 'words'.

You gave in because you missed him & he was your weakness, it happens often.. BUT, you need to wake up and take a good look.

And yeah, you CAN be a person without him!  You were fine enough before him, you will be again, after him. 🙂 

You just need that inner strength and time.  Time to see from the outside how nasty a person he was with you.

You should never have had to remove your social media or friends!  No decent partner does that.

So, you remain at a distance and do NOT give in to him anymore.  Go hang with family/friends and keep busy instead of considering ever seeing him again. ( remember, you already had a taste of that toxicity).

Be around those who do respect you and can show you the right way.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. How do I end things now? I feel like every time I try to end things with him, he convinces me to stay and I end up falling for him all over again. What do I say to him?

On 10/11/2023 at 4:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please research and read up on "abusive relationships", "trauma bond" and "cycle of violence". Please also be honest with your therapist and ask about these things. 

It feels like quicksand now, but with help from trusted friends and family and professionals, you can move on and put this behind you.

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trinkets, crocodile tears and promises to change are all part of the "cycle of violence" called the "honeymoon phase". Please research it, red flags for domestic violence and  abusive relationships and please be forthcoming with your therapist and trusted friends and family 

Thank you for your input. Again, I have such a hard time believing he was abusive. I feel like he's just a really hurt person who reacted in a horrible way. And I guess I feel embarrassed to bring up the fact I slipped up and started contacting him again to my friends and family...

On 10/11/2023 at 3:43 PM, MissCanuck said:

Someday, when you are older and more experienced, you will realize what healthy love really is. What you had with this guy wasn't it. Your idea of love isn't well-adjusted or mature yet, based on what you describe as love in your post. 

Again, when you meet a decent guy, you won't be so terrified of this. You will feel a lot more secure and stable in the relationship. 

You have a lot of healing and growing to do. You can get there, but not while you are attached to this toxic person. 

Thank you again for responding. I guess I just got really attached because I trusted him with all my firsts... I don't even know where to begin with healing and growing, but I'm finally accepting the idea that I have to fully let him go.

On 10/11/2023 at 3:47 PM, MissCanuck said:

What version of your childhood fairtytale romance involved Prince Charming belittling you, stepping out with other women, isolating you from everyone and generally disrespecting you over and over? 

Like I said before, I kind of compartmentalized both sides of his personality into two different people. His sweet side was so incredible. He was so kind when he wasn't mad and so thoughtful, remembering little things about me and going out of his way to make me happy. I guess my memories of that version of him overtook the negative sides of him for a long time. 

On 10/11/2023 at 1:25 PM, boltnrun said:

You are still in the throes of abuse, especially since you allowed him back in.

Please be honest with your therapist. They can't help you if you conceal things from them. Be honest with your family and friends too. They can offer support when you're struggling.

It's OK to feel bad for a while as long as you don't fall into the trap of thinking that the man who hurt you is the one who can take the pain away. That's like getting food poisoning from bad milk and thinking the cure is to drink more of the bad milk. 

Thank you for your response. How do I know that he's not being genuine? I already accepted that I have to end this once and for all, but I have such a hard time believing that he was abusive and intentionally wanted to hurt me. I strongly believe that he doesn't really understand the magnitude of his issues and the damage he's done and I don't know how to make him understand. I really don't think he was mean on purpose...

On 10/11/2023 at 12:56 PM, blueslush said:

The only way to give yourself a chance to heal from this relationship is to go no contact as soon as possible.

Thank you for responding. I already broke no-contact and have been messaging and seeing him back and forth. How do I cut it off now? I feel like I ruined things for myself and just made things so much harder because I slipped up...

On 10/11/2023 at 12:56 PM, blueslush said:

You being around while he does it (if he even does it) is not beneficial and will only hurt you more. You’re so young and you deserve an experience of love with someone who treats you right. 

Thank you for your kind comment at the end. The two times I met up with him, I tried to express that I see no way for this to go forward (albeit very tearfully) and he's been trying to convince me that I can build up my self-confidence and find who I am with him and that he can help me. It seems like he doesn't understand why we can't grow as people together and that we'll be interfering in each other's healing and growing. I'm honestly very confused because, on the one hand, it feels like he's being so genuine and that he really wants to make things right, but on the other hand, I also have a very bad feeling deep inside that he's being manipulative again and just trying anything to get me back. He also gave me a really sweet and thoughtful gift when I last saw him and I couldn't help but feel like I was being guilted back into the relationship. What do I say now? How do I leave?

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And realize that he's only saying those things to get his abuse toy back. See, abusers don't have an easy time finding someone who will accept their abuse. They don't want to have to look for someone new who will allow them to treat them poorly. So they do whatever they can to keep their current verbal punching bag. No, it's not because he loves you so much, I'm sorry to say.

Thank you for responding. Do you think he never truly loved me? That’s a really hard pill to swallow. Especially because I was so willing to give up everything to be with him. Could it be that he loves me but just has too many personal issues to express it in a healthy way? Or am I just telling myself what I want to hear? In a stupid way, I still hope that one day, in the future, he’ll be healed and we can try again. Is that even possible? 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This relationship was toxic and someday you will be very glad you got away from him/.

Thank you for your response. How do I begin to move on though? Even if I refuse to see him ever again, the scars feel so deep. I’m scared I could never love anyone like I love him. And even if someone is good, how will I know it won’t end up the same way and how can I even bring myself to trust someone with my heart again? Especially when all I want is for my ex to be the one?

Hi there. I hope whoever sees this is doing okay. I have no idea who to turn to so that's why I'm on here, and I don't really know what I'm looking for right now. Maybe I just need to vent or if anyone has any advice, I'd so greatly appreciate it. This might be really long so thank you if you take the time to read all of it. If not, I hope you have a good day.

For context, I am a 21-year-old girl and I left my one-and-a-half-year relationship with a 25-year-old guy about two months ago. I was, and still am, so incredibly in love with him. He was my first everything: first kiss, first serious relationship, first sexual experience, etc. Our relationship was incredibly rocky though. Since it was my first relationship, I was going in kind of blind and we didn't have a conversation about boundaries. Essentially I hurt him by texting guy friends and receiving compliments from them. I thought it was normal to keep guy friends around and thought I was doing nothing wrong by accepting compliments about how I looked in a photo (nothing overtly sexual or flirty), but it resulted in a big blowup fight because he didn't like how I was acting. I felt absolutely horrible and I begged and pleaded for him to forgive me. He forgave me but we never really moved forward from it. This fight happened 3 months into our relationship. From there, I did everything in my power to make things right. I deleted all of my social media, distanced myself from those guy friends, and tried to be there for my boyfriend whenever he was upset or felt insecure. I was absolutely crushed that I had broken his trust and I wanted to do everything I could to get it back.

I knew it would be a long process, but it seemed like there was always a new problem every week. I felt like whatever I did was never enough and I was incredibly stupid and so dependent on this guy. I left my dream career of being an actress for him because he didn't like the idea of me being on set with other guys. I was seeing my friends and family less and less too. And there were so many situations that led to blowups. Whether I didn't talk enough on a date with him, or we weren't having sex enough, or whatever else, it resulted in a big fight. And our fights were mainly just him yelling at me and me breaking down and apologizing. I admit that I have a hard time communicating and that's been a problem between us that's my fault. But I've mentioned to him on many occasions that I have some pretty bad trauma from being yelled at and so when he yelled at me, I couldn't help but break down. I asked him so many times just for this one thing and he never did it. He would also say really cruel things to me like "you're replaceable" and whatnot that really deeply hurt me. I know everything I've said so far makes him seem like a really bad guy but he wasn't. There were so many times when he's been the perfect partner. When he'd be so sweet and loving and comforting. It made it all the more confusing when he switched. It felt like I was dating two completely different people and I didn't know which one I would be seeing that day. But I stayed despite it all because I loved him so deeply. I was so sure he was going to be the one I'd marry. And maybe I have a really naive view of love, but I thought he was my prince.

Fast forward to two months ago, I've been living at his family house for a few months and we were starting to plan to move out on our own. His older sister was visiting from abroad and when he was out of the house, she came to talk to me one-on-one and told me about a time when they went out with family friends and got pretty touchy and physical with another girl. There were pictures too of him hugging and holding this girl. It happened on two occasions and after going back through the texts I had with him, I realized that it happened when I was home for the holiday and he lied to me that he was having dinner with relatives when he really was at the club. His sister even told me she wasn't sure if we were still together when it happened. That completely broke me. She helped me pack my most important things and she drove me home to my mom that day. Since then, I've been trying so hard to heal and move on but I'm so incredibly hurt. I loved him more than anything and I couldn't understand why he was so mean to me. I would've done anything for him.

Everyone I talked to after said that he was manipulative, emotionally abusive, narcissistic; the list goes on and on. But I couldn't bring myself to be mad at him. I'm terribly hurt and angry at the situation, but I could never hate him. Never. I've cried so much since. How could he do this to me? What have I done to deserve this? Maybe I deserved it because I broke his trust. Since then, I don't even know if I trust myself and my thoughts and I don't even know if I know how to be a person without him.

I had no contact with him up until last week. I slipped up badly. I knew that the best thing to do for my healing was to cut off all interaction with him but I just couldn't bring myself to block him. It was my mistake to leave the door open. I was doing pretty well until I got a text from him because I completely spiraled and I messaged back. He asked me to meet up and everything aligned so perfectly and I just so happened to be getting off at the train station coming from my cousin's house at the exact time he wanted to meet me there. It was just supposed to be a talk I swear. I don't even know why I went because I knew that whatever he'd say wouldn't fix the damage that's already been done, but I still went anyway. I knew he'd have no satisfactory answers for me. I read somewhere that a girl met up with her ex and once he started apologizing and begging for her back, she lost all respect and any love she had left for him, and I guess I was hoping for the same thing too. Oh boy was I wrong.

It hurt so badly to see him again. He told me that he's been in therapy, twice every week since I left to resolve his own issues so he could be a better partner. He told me that I was the only one in the world he wanted and that he'd never loved anyone as much as me. He'd say that his biggest mistake was losing me and that he was working on all the issues so I'd never have to feel this way again. He said that the girl who was in the pictures was like a sister to him, and it was all innocent, but he regrets not considering how it'd look if he was hugging her in these pictures. He told me I didn't deserve any of the bad treatment he gave me and that I did nothing wrong. He apologized genuinely and took full accountability but it didn't change how hurt I still was. He says he wants to fix things because he's the one who messed everything up and he asked me for another chance. I didn't give him a clear answer and he told me it's okay if I take my time to decide. My head was all jumbled by that point. There in front of me was my sweet boyfriend again, not the monster I remembered. And I faltered. I ended up sleeping with him that night... 

Now, he wants to meet up again and I don't know what to do and since that night, I've been a mess. Part of me is still so mad and hurt. Like how come only after I left did he finally go to therapy, when I've been asking him since April to go? Nothing would be different this time and I'd be stupid to let him hold my heart again. But the other part of me missed him so much. I still have so much love for him and every night since I left, I prayed that he'd get help and find happiness. I still want nothing but the best for him and I just can't seem to let him go. I know that this relationship is so bad for me, but I can't help myself. It's like an addiction. I just want to be loved by him again. And maybe I'm still holding onto my stupid childlike idea of romance because I still hope that he's the one. I know that it's not possible now because two months of therapy doesn't change a person, but I'm still holding onto so much hope that it'll be him and me in the end. 

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about our recent encounters because I don't want to burden my loved ones anymore with this. I can just see the disappointed faces of my friends and my mom. I couldn't even tell my therapist what was going on. I feel so alone and I really don't know what to do. If you read all of this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Truly. It means so much to me.