justme80

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She doesn't seem to want you to "make allowances" for her. In fact it comes across as condescending to tell her "I know you're struggling". It sounds as though you find her defective.

Now, her lashing out is not the way to resolve conflicts. But she has asked you for space, not an evaluation and commentary on her behavior or her health. 

Please resist the temptation to reach out to "check in" on her. If she needs help she will ask. 

I wont be checking in and she is the type of person who will not ask for help, if needed. Her own mother even said to me recently its like she prefers to own the problem than seek a solution. Also, its minor, but i never actually said she was "struggling" as you have quoted. But i do appreciate your replies. 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's what she's doing now,so all you can do is give her space and stay busy with your own apartment friends and family. Even though you seem concerned it could come across as patronizing and condescending to her based on her reaction. Step back. 

I totally respect, understand and appreciate that she wants some space. With the way she has been acting towards me of recent times I am glad of it.  I guess the good person that i am is always making allowances for her. 

10 minutes ago, East4 said:

I think that people here are very quick to judge OP's GF, forgetting that we only know his side of the story. 

I also noticed that OP consistently avoids WM's suggestion that OP has been camping at his GF's house every single weekend. But he very willingly builds upon every single comment alluding that his GF is a nut job.

To be honest if I work Mo-Fri and then my BF comes to my house Fri night through Sun evening,I would definitively feel smothered and snappy. I would also feel resentful that he eats on my dime.

It is not for a first time that people come to the forum to obtain validation that they have been wronged by their SO, conveniently ommiting part of the facts. The forum users normally just map their personal experiences on to the situation at hand, instead of trying to be objective and rational.

A very assumptions post without allowing me to explain to your previous post, which I have replied to. 

I would also like to add that she asks for my help with the horses as she struggles, as through the week she gets her mum to help when im not there. So I would say me being there is to her gain. 

Also adding she is a school teacher so gets more time off than most. 

I have never actually called her a "nut job" as you quote, only you so far has mentioned this term. 

Perhaps infuture wait for the reply to your questions before jumping the gun.

1 hour ago, East4 said:

OP, do you always go to your GF's house? Perhaps she is fed up with hosting you at her house every weekend, feeding you and paying higher utility bills because of you. Perhaps she is growing resentful if you overstayed your welcome. Have you thought about that? Are you contributing financially to the weekends, or you profit from her hospitality?

Im glad you raise these questions. So, yes, I goto hers every weekend and I have done for the most part. This is due to the fact that she owns 2 horses at a stables very close to her home and she needs to tend to them twice a day (once in the morning, and once early evening, each day). She outlined from early on in our relationship that it would be a huge help to her if I stayed at hers rather than her coming to mine due to the horses, and this has never been a problem on my part. Infact when im at hers I come and help with all the jobs every single time.  So far this year she has been attending more and more horse shows with her horse and she needs me to come and help her with that, which I have been doing and im more than happy to do so. 

I have ALWAYS contributed towards groceries when I stay. More often than not she insists on takeaway which I always pay for, not sometimes, ALWAYS. I take all my own toiletries, toothpaste, shower gel, towel etc etc. I am very clean and tidy and respect her home. I do house hold chores, i wash her car, i help with the horses, and the dog. I do all these things of my own accord and i do it willingly. 

I have always said to her if she ever wanted a weekend(s) to herself then all she has to do is say. 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she's irritated because you're acting -with respect!! - like a doormat -she treats you like dog poo, then doesn't want to see  you and your response is - please please be nasty again! -if she wanted your "help" she'd ask for it instead of space.  She knows she's acting in a nasty way and maybe -possibly-she simply wants space so she can not continuously unleash - maybe she's realizing it's not normal and she's tired of being around you which "triggers" her.    It probably came across as weak and also patronizing.

She might very well be ill but as others have said that's not license to act that way.  Also acting out to one's mother is a bit different -the history/the relationship.  I can't really explain further I just know as the daughter of a mom I love to the moon and back and who can annoy me in only a way a mom can like I annoy my teenage son (no I don't act nasty -I do my best not to! - but I get it).

I just want to know what I do that annoys her so much. It sounds like im blowing my own trumpet, but i always avoid confrontation, i get on with everyone, im a very understanding guy, im open and honest, i willingly do loads for her. I feel unappreciated at the moment. The sad thing is i guess I am making allowances right now due to her headaches. I get the feeling shes freaking out. I think shes got in the back of her mind its perimenopause, or something even more serious. She cant handle any kind of stress or pressure and recently she has been really stressing and moaning to me about her job. She gets very worked up. Also, she seems to be obsessed with her sister who she no longer speaks To. Anything her sister does my GF gets all angry towards when its nothing to do with her. 

Its not nice being pushed away and treated so badly when all im trying to do is help and be a good partner to her. The worst part is I feel like she sees me as doing nothing for her and even a hinderance. 

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So what are you doing in such a bad relationship? 

Something isn't lining up between your perception of yourself and your own choices here. 

The reason I am still with her is because her mood changes towards me have changed at the same time of her bad headaches and lack of sleep. She has been on medication which isnt working. She goes for an MRI scan soon. I guess I have been making allowances and trying to be understanding, as hard as it is. I have been hoping once (or if) the doctors have it sorted she would be better.

So a small update. I have heard from her saying "I think a weekend to ourselves might be best". That's not a problem for me, it was expected, and I agree with her. We usually spend every weekend together from Friday evening to Sunday. I have messaged her back saying that's not a problem, and that i know she's not herself recently and i think i understand why (headaches/lack of sleep, stress at work, etc.), and that I'm here if she wants to talk. She replied back in what i can only interpret as yet again an aggressive manner by saying "I'm fine, i wish you would stop second guessing that something is wrong with me". I know her well enough to know that something isn't quite right, even though she says she's fine.. Her moods have been horrific, she has been snapping at me & her mother, and, she has barely spoke to me the past 2 weeks when normally she messages me A LOT during the day about anything and everything. I haven't even had a single message from her in 4 days. So its very clear she's not fine. I will give her space, I will leave her be to figure it out herself.

People here are rightly asking my why I have stuck around with her while shes been treating me this way. I have been making allowance's for her because her behavior has coincided with her bad and constant headaches and lack of sleep. She has been under medication but its not been working. She is going for an MRI scan in a week or so. 

Some people do this. The only thing I can think shes moved this quickly is for a confidence boost now she is newly single. Some people cant bear to be alone. In my opinion the best way to be after a breakup is to focus on yourself or your loved ones around you. Focus on you mate. 

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what is it you're getting out of this relationship? You say sex is non-existent, she's been horrible to you for months and before that she greatly reduced the amount of time you two spent together due to her horse hobby and other interests. It can't just be because she got a puppy and said you two can "share" it.

I get nothing from the relationship apart from grief. I have outlined that. I wasnt here to ask if i should stay or leave, I was here asking to understand why her behaviour is like what it is. To understand for my own sanity, because she has been manipulating me to think everything is my fault. 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Asking again @justme80.....

So far we've just heard the bad and ugly, 

What's the good?  

What about her caused you to fall in love with her? 

Currently, now, there is nothing pleasant. We never go out even though i regularly suggest things. I am walking on egg shells around her. But what attracted me in the first place was we got on very well, we share the same values, she was kind, thoughtful towards me, caring, we did things together frequently that made us happy. 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Forget what is behind her behaviour for a moment - what is behind yours? 

Meaning, do you have a history of staying in toxic relationships? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? This relationship is toast either way, but you would be better served by understanding what attracts you to this chaos and why haven't already left. 

 

I do not have a habit of staying in toxic relationships. I am a very independent guy who before i met my GF i was single for 12 years, through my choice. She is my third serious relationship in my life. I am a very confident guy whos head is screwed on. 

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's why I asked OP what her behavior was like the six months prior to this happening and her headaches and insomnia? 

He said the past four months, it's been a nightmare.

He hasn't answered but context is important.

If she's always had an aggressive nature, then it's possible something may be exacerbating it into actual abuse.  Or not. 

I am not a medical professional so yes it's very good she's getting the MRI.

 

The aggressive nature towards me has been occurring since the beginning of this year. Prior to this she never lost her temper. 

She does however have a track record of falling out with her relatives and it lasts a very long time. At the beginning of our relationship she fell out with her mother and they didn't speak for appx 3 months. She then fell out with her eldest sister at Easter of LAST year, and they still don't speak, and her other sister she fell out with in August and they are still not speaking. She loves to bad mouth her sister and anything her sister does winds her up whatever it is, even when it has nothing to do with her. She really can be odd (well, odd to me!)

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am surprised no one has asked this, but did her personality begin changing (agree, it's abusive) around the same time as she began getting the bad headaches and insomnia?  

It's odd that this is happening after six months, what was she like previously?

Has she had an MRI done?

I dont want to alarm you, but my brother died last from a series of brain tumors that caused his personality to change drastically!!

That started with severe headaches and insomnia.  They went ignored until he had a seizure after which it was too late to treat. 

 

 

So, yes, her personality changes have changed since the headaches and lack of sleep, this is why I have been making allowance's for her behaviour towards me.  She has been to the doctors 5 times in the past few months. They have given her tablets which are doing nothing at all for her. She went back to the doctors recently and they have agreed the next step is an MRI scan, which she has in 2 weeks. The headaches were that bad she had a month off work in February. She says she can not remember a time when she did NOT have a bad headache.  

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry, but this sounds like an excuse to keep seeing her.

Let me give you a heads up on what's likely to happen. You'll insist you still need to see the puppy. So you ask her to let you see it. She may fight you on this until she sees it as a golden opportunity. She might act as sweet as she was in the beginning to get you to soften towards her. She may even entice you into having some mind blowing sex. Then when she thinks she has you hooked again she'll go back to being the real her. You'll be hoping somehow it'll all work out so you'll stick around. Maybe even do things for her to get her to be nice again. But it's a game to her. She's either a really awful person or she's got something wrong with her that convinces her you deserve this treatment. So she'll keep it up until you're such a mess you can't tell which way is up. 

Ask me how I know this, BTW.

There was a thread that got deleted here because it was too upsetting. But it was written by a man who also couldn't pull himself away from a toxic woman because he was convinced he "loved" her and that he could somehow find a way to get her to be nice to him again. Let's just say it ended very badly.

With the thousands of women in the world, why attach yourself to a toxic one?

If you really want a pet, look into how you can move somewhere that allows pets. 

Sex?! Ha ha ! Whats that?!! We havent been intimate in a LONG LONG time!

I do deeply appreciate your advice and replies, but, I can assure you i am not trying to cling onto anything to do with her as a person. I wont insist on seeing the puppy. If she says no then there is nothing i can do. Even though when we got the puppy she reffered to it as "our dog", she paid for it, and it lives at her house. I have financially contributed towards its upbringing so far, but that doesnt mean anything. It was fully her idea to get the dog. If she says no to me seeing the dog there is nothing I can do about seeing it. Either way, if I get to see the dog or not, I cant have anything more to do with my GF. 

I will be open and honest with you all, my one and only concern right now is I still want to be able to see the puppy when we break up. Obviously I would collect the puppy and take her out by myself and then return her. I love the dog more than life itself and we have a great relationship. Im scared of my GF not allowing me to see the puppy after the break up. 

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

No not normal...could be suffering from BPD, bi-polar disorder, some kind of chemical imbalance, or pri-menopause/ drop in hormones. but what ever the cause you need to get the f out of there and don't look back. She knows she has a problem and she's not doing anything about it to resolve it. That's your cue to leave. 

I think the biggest part of the problem is, she actually doesnt acknowledge there is a problem. 

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

You are out of the honeymoon phase, and are getting the real her.

Get your own pup.  None of them need a house, just good stimulation and exercise.

sadly i cant because my landlord wont allow animals in the flat i rent. 

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

You're enabling a woman-child who is gaslighting you. Trust your instincts. Please pay attention to all theses red flags. Hopefully when you are free of her,  lies and gaslighting, you'll be able to find someone decent to date. Try to snap out of whatever Svengali-like effect she has on you for your own sanity and dignity. 

Please read up on "red flags for abusive relationships". You're trying to make sense out of nonsense from her. The question isn't what is normal behavior for insecure people, the question is trying to see through the gaslighting and cognitive dissonance that subtle, yet erosive mental and emotional abuse causes.

Abusers want power and control. Keeping you off balance, generating chaos and keeping you upset is fun for them. They enjoy being sadistic puppeteers and watching you squirm and  feel helpless and hopeless at their fingertips.

She's not going to change. Please read up as much as you can on mental abuse so you can come out of the fog she creates and see clearly.

I appreciate this thank you, I will read up on this. 

Its funny you use the word "gaslighting", because last year when my GF fell out with her sister, her sister called her a gaslighter. My GF would even joke to me saying "haha apparently im a gaslighter". I now she that she actually is!

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Well, her own mother explained it pretty directly: this is just how she is. 

Now, if you want a more highbrow explanation, one could say something to the effect that we all develop a way of being to cope with the daily challenge of existing in the world. Those who opt to be negative and snappish have found in that a certain comfort, maybe a version of the illusion of control we all seek in different ways. 

But here’s the thing: there is a super slippery slope that comes when we get obsessive about “understanding” a certain person. Very quickly it can become a way from hiding from ourselves or avoiding even more difficult questions along the lines of: What is it in me that continues to accept this?

Sounds like, in the grand scheme of things, you two enjoyed a very short period where things were nice. Time has revealed that to have been the exception, not the rule, a very common (and always sad) place to land after a year with some. But perhaps even sadder (to say nothing of more hurtful) is to continue to imagine she may magically return to being the person you wish she would be as opposed to the person she truly is. 

Yes you are correct, we had a short period of time where things were paradise. Your words are very true and you have hit the nail on the head. 

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. She seems difficult to be around. No one can diagnose her but you made the right call stepping back out of the line of fire. How is the relationship otherwise? Is this the same woman?

 

yes, same woman. The thread you relate to, we never broke up, we just had some time apart, appx 7/8 weeks, we got back to seeing each other regularly and things were great up until the start of this year. 

I cant say there are many positives to the relationship right now, there used to be, but now, i cant say there is anything! We got a puppy together at the start of this year and thats the only joy i get from the relationship. The puppy lives at her home as my GF has a house, I have a flat. I guess im more worried about losing the puppy than i am my own GF!

i just want to understand her behaviour and why it is the way it is. I find it disturbing that she treats her own mother the same way she treats me. 

I am 45 male, dating a 40 year old female. We have been together just over 12 months. We do not live together, we don't have any children. We see each other every weekend. The past 4 months with her have been a living hell.

She snaps and bites my head off at absolutely anything and everything that I do, even when I'm helping her and doing something nice for her. It feels like she purposefully looks for any opportunity to have a go at me, and its always over something so small and meaningless that its actually pathetic. Everything I do she reacts badly to. It can be something as small as pouring myself a drink, getting a towel to dry the pots, washing her car, you name it she snaps at me in a very aggressive manner. I don't rise or snap back to it because if i was to say something back to her its like adding fuel to a fire, it just makes her worse and you cant say anything back to her without making her even more angry. I have been making allowances for her behaviour because for the past few months she has been suffering with bad headaches and lack of sleep. She has been to see the doctor for the headaches but everything they prescribe for her doesn't work. But, for me now, enough is enough. I dont feel like i can talk to her in person about her behaviour towards me because anything you say to her, especially this subject she reacts in a angry way. She always seems to twist things around to make it look and feel like I am the one who is wrong. She even makes stories up about me in order to have a go at me and it makes me sometimes wonder to myself if it actually happened. Another example of how unbelievably nasty and weird she can be: I arrived at hers for the weekend and upon my arrival at her house I went to give her a kiss, she thrust her arm out to me and said really aggressively "DONT KISS ME I HAVE A COLDSORE" (she did have one to be fair). So i moved away, to which she then aggressively said "OH FINE, DONT KISS ME THEN", and made a huge deal of it! I Just cant do anything right!!!!

I met her mum appx 5 weeks ago and she treats her mother exactly the same way, even in front of me. At weekend I found an opportunity to speak to her mum in private about my GF. Her mother said she's always been this way and everything I told her sounds about right. It came as no surprise to her mother. 

My GF is a very negative person. She never sees the good in anything. She hates her 2 sisters and they don't talk. Also, my GF never wants to go out and do anything. I suggest we go out and do something, go for a nice walk with the dog, or go out for a meal etc etc. She either comes up with an excuse, or just plain ignores me. All she wants to do is lie down on the sofa and scroll through social media day and night.

Due to her behaviour I have been a little more quieter than normal with her when we text and are not together. She messaged me on Monday evening saying she is going to give me some space as she feels thats what i want. I found this a good opportunity to tell her why I have been quiet (due to the way she talks and snaps at me). I havent heard from her since.  

I guess I'm here just asking what this behaviour sounds like to anybody? Ive never experienced anything like before and I am trying to understand it. I know i cant go on being with her while she is like this. I just want to know is she suffering from some sort of mental illness? A breakdown? Im sick of being made to feel like im doing everything wrong when i know its the opposite. 

34 minutes ago, David501 said:

What I wonder is how people can suddenly go from 100  towards 50%?

What can be influence for that? Because I was perfect she said. She said she can't find a bad thing about me .

Surely other stuff must influence such a behaviour not?

Work? Family?...

sometimes they can got like this in fear of having their heart broken. They can fall for you so much then it scares them because they fear the worst.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

A friend of mine shows horses and competes in equestrian shooting events. She has two horses (I believe) that compete and also has a rescue horse she cares for. These activities work perfectly for her because her husband is a commercial pilot who obviously is away from home a LOT. Another friend is involved in sports teams and trains and competes in "mud run" events. Her husband is deployed overseas so these things fill her time. Oh, and she's also a mother.

My point is, these two women fill their time because their husbands are not available to them. They chose activities that require a big time commitment.

I'm wondering if this woman you're dating chose these activities to fill her time and is now realizing that trying to date to the extent you two were at the same time isn't sustainable. 

the horse and her horse shows were around with her LONG before we were seeing each other. I have always encouraged her to do the horse shows, with or without me. 

She was with someone for 12 years (married for 3 years) before she met me and she did the horse thing then. Shes been around horses and done shows since childhood. 

I have told her that perhaps she was right, perhaps things have moved too fast and I am willing to slow things down. We are still talking each day (on whatsapp) and its her thats reaching out to me. Perhaps she is too afraid to tell me its over. 

I am going to see how things pan out for a period of time before i decided to have "the chat" to end things. I totally respect that she wants to follow her passion, but if she truly wanted to make time for someone she liked or loved, then surely she would. 

As a guy, i can totally understand why she would be pissed off by this comment, even though the intent was a joke. Early on in my relationship with my GF i made a banter comment to her about her stuffing a load of food in her mouth. She did put a lot in her mouth and i said "wow can you fit anymore in"? along with a big grin on my face. Oh my god, she did NOT take to that comment well AT ALL. I was in the doghouse for a good 2 days. Some girls will like and take banter, others wont. Everyone is different. You have to be careful and think about what you say. I certainly think twice when i open my mouth from now on.

5 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

May I suggest another perspective? 7 months seems like it has been moving into the direction of being serious? How had the relationship progressed over this period? Had the frequency of seeing each other increased? Have you made steps towards each other to progress to the next stage (whatever it may be)? If not, she might be losing motivation because the relationship is stuck 

i had been spending most weekends at her from the start of our relationship for appx 5 months, so i do now see why she might feel like she wants space. She had also just moved into her new home when we met.