Ringop

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're out there dating again and trying to move forward. However if you are sabotaging things with too much too soon, maybe take a break? 

How do you think I am doing that, Wiseman? How did I sabotage it?

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Who would be in love after the second date, though? 

Anyway, it seems your gut was indeed trying to tell you something. Maybe you were never that into her as a person, but more the role she filled in the void your ex left behind. 

I've loved my ex for the first sight. With this one I was thinking on the long run If I could love her.

My therapist is digging into my childhood trying to understand why am I hanging to these type of people instead of healthy ones. And the funny part is I've told her, I've been searching for something like my parents did. So hence the desperation & bad choices.

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

That's right. 

Just leave it be. You will feel better soon but you would be wise to take time off dating until you feel stronger emotionally.

I think I need to listen to my instincts more.

After the second date, my instinct told me to make a step back and not ask her out again. I liked her, but I wasn't in love, plus she doesn't want kids and mentioned she was good alone.

But then when I ignored her I started to miss her, miss the interaction and the flow. So here I am.

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I disagree.  I'd have zero expectations of even another date that early on.  Anyone can have four crescendo dates with a new person.  I was never shocked because I managed my expectations in a realistic way.  I enjoyed crescendo dates to the fullest. AND was not shocked if it crashed and burned.

That is something I need to learn and work with. I did it for the first three, when I've let my guard down, well this happens.

Because it never crashed and burned this way. But I think you understand my shock, right? I think yeah, I've had expectations how the night will go based on everything that happened.

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right.  No message.  I'd stop assuming "well because I would never ____ no one else would" especially since you only had 4 dates.

Yes, but four crescendo dates, that didn't show cracks and were leading to something.

Hence the shock.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you got this help. I think you have unrealistic expectations about early dating especially with a woman you didn't know well before.  I'm sorry you were upset.  Who does that? It's called -dating. Oh the war stories I have....

I have also, Batya, I've dated before 2015, but I've done and also done on me, but If I never wanted to be in a place or doing somewhere, I think I will say it and mostly, act cold, make a step back. But saying one day earlier can't wait to come, handle the dessert and bringing a special bottle, I swear it does my head in because it does not make any sense, none.

Now it's no contact and I wanted to write her a message near the end of the week, if it stays like this, to clear the air, but I have a feeling I would come out as desperate, no matter what I say, right?

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you're ready to date yet, OP. 

You're still too fresh off your breakup which is leading you to have overly-emotional reactions to this. It's disappointing, but describing this as frightening and your brain leaving your body? It's a bit much. However, it's also your signal that you aren't yet in a strong enough place to handle the normal ups and downs of dating. 

Can't argue with that MissCanuck.

I didn't want to date, not at all, I swear. I just started taking with her and things went from there.

Can I explain why I feel my brain left my body?

After the second date I wanted to make a step back after she asked me to come to bar and I've said no just to avoid complicating things. But soon realized I like a lot what is happening and how we are bonding and I miss when we are not talking. She was all over me, we talked and there was clearly a connection between the two of us. 

It felt right and everything felt right so when she started saying that: You let me think and that is not good, I felt overwhelmed that I was so stupid to let me guard down and experience this.

Because let's be honest, realy, who does that? Who comes to your house brings dessert and a bottle of wine she received for her b-day?

I mean, would anyone do that? Would anyone here from this thread would?

So that's why I erupted, but thank the stars for therapy. I had earlier the session and she knew how to help me find the balance that I've suddently lost.

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly did she mean by this? Let's slow down because you lunged for a kiss?  In house dates are ok but maybe you came across as a bit over eager? 

 

What I understood she meant, and again, this is me speculating, is that I didn't kiss her earlier on the other dates and she had time to reflect and realize she is better single and maybe thought I was hesitating?

The opposite of over eager, at first glance.

Just now, Batya33 said:

Honestly it’s a waste of time to analyze when you only met 4 times. 

But it's a warning sign for me, to be honest, being fresh on the market and this happens, it's quite, quite odd. And frightning.

Someone tells you she can't wait to come to your place, in the same day, then this happens. I swear my brain was leaving my body.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No. Just this person changed her mind. It happens and often early on. I’m sorry. 

In the same day, why not cancel?

 Haha, I think I spoke too soon.

I invited her over for the fourth date to my place, cooked for her and made her a spongebob cake also. Just to make it clear we've been talking non stop and dating, flirting.

Thursday: Me: My other flat is almost done, want to go next week, would you want to see the first person to see it? Her: I would love too and maybe we can cook and test the overn.

Friday: Me: Listen, I am super glad you are coming tomorrow, can't wait. Her: Haha, me too.

Yesterday: 

Went in for the kiss and she stopped me and told me because I didn't move faster she started thinking and I shouldn't let her do that and she still loves her solitude, being alone. I, a rational human being, tried to understand what?!. I felt my brain was about to explode because there was not even a sign there. And I never said the word relationship.

Told her I can't be friends, like in Seinfeld, I have enough friends.

She stayed from 19:00 until 2:00. Of course we exchanged of messages and tested the waters and told her if she want to meet later on today and she refused, then started to ignore me.

So, I have to ask, is everyone in the dating world went insane? 😄 

An update here. It going to be two months soon and things are much, much, much better than I expected. Therapy helped a lot, and I am just at the begining of it, but became my safe space and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask myself about my relationship. It's still a journey, but I think of her less and less. The way she shut me out helped me a lot moving forward, even if it hurt.

Also, life is weird, but the woman I've went out is here and we are going out and she is quite something. Takes interest in me, my needs, the small things. There is no label on us at the moment, just two people and we are really bonding. Is funny because you have no idea how things are. 

For those who are reading, there is life after heartbreak, even if you do not see it.

Went on my first date on Friday and had to say I had a blast. Nothing happened, we were just to people connecting and it felt good because I had a boost of confidence about my self esteem and that people are atracted to me. It felt really good.

Therapy is helping a lot also because I am facing my demons, what I've felt during the past half of year.

I am not ready for a relationship at the moment, but enjoyed this woman I've went out a lot. 

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if she wanted you to know this she wouldn't need social media -she could find out how to contact you and let you know she beat this and had moved on in life.

I don't think she will ever tell me that, even if by some miracle we would tak again.

But I get what you are saying.

And sorry If I seem to deflect questions. There are a lot of emotions going on.

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't follow. How does that relate to you wanting her to see that you are doing well? 

 

 

I wish I couldn't explain, but I can't because I don't know how. Because I don't post my life on social media.

Most likely in a few months this will sound stupid and I will not care if she is there or not. 

And like I've mentioned, I've never blocked an ex because for me, it was like I was hiding behind a block instead of fighting to get over that person. Which I am trying and will do it, eventually.

I don't want to block her because for me she ment something, I know it might not sound logically, but It's something I feel.

There are a few women I've love with all my heart and I still follow them and I am happy they are well. We are not talking at all, except happy b-days, but I am happy for them and I am glad I did not block them.

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And then what?

She will see you're doing well. What do you stand to gain from her seeing that you are getting on okay? 

Nothing.

But I want her to be well. Not with me, but I want her to be well and manage to beat this.

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK I'm not playing anymore with your non-responses.  Good luck and enjoy your date.

I can, of course I can, but I do not want to, I've never did it with anyone I've been. I've muted her and It felt wrong. It felt what the hell am I doing? Didn't feel right.

Leaving here a door open is not hoping someday we are going to be back together. Is just something I am not confortable with it.

To be more detailed "why I can't".

Actually I "muted" her in the first week. Then to remove that in a few hours.

Just now, Batya33 said:

Tell her I "can't" block my ex.  

Maybe this is an UK or US thing, but here we do not do that. I was asking my friends if they blocked her exs a few weeks ago, and most of them said no. 

The thing is I always left a door open (until this one) in other relationships. But a door open to say hello, or happy b-day, nothing else.

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can.  You choose not to.  Not ever having done it -always a first time. Why tell yourself you "can't?" Will you tell that to your next girlfriend who might have concerns?

Tell her I did not block my ex?

I've never gone back to an ex or let any past relationship influence me.

I do not want to be with her. Ever.

The love, even 1% will be there forever, because I gave her my all. But there is no chance in hell I want to be there again, she had, she let me go, I am not the bad days umbrella. Never.

I've never blocked any ex in my life. I can't.

I have only one explanation: I wan her to see me do well because at some point, she will check my profile.

So, short update.

Today is the first month "anniversary". Overall it's been decent, I've been focused on renovating, so had my mind full, but there are moments where it all comes crushing. I didn't block her, I know I should, but I can't. I want and hope to see me doing well. I know it's stupid, but I do not want to get of the radar.

The next weekend I am going out with another woman, I think it's going to be a date. I will just take it slowly, see what happens.

I think I am well and bad at the same time. I am curious where I will be at the "next anniversary"

So the guy in that couple reached out. Called me.

He said he heard and he wanted earlier to call me, but was a bit awkward. He said he hopes inside for us to get back together, but told him no chance from my point of view.

Anyway, I've told him if he is in town and is in the mood for something, he should let me know and thanked him for the wonderful time together.

Dunno if we are going to talk again, but felt good.

Entering week two and it's been, so and so. There are moments when it all comes back to me and I feel a heartache that really is hard to accept at times, but I keep on going. 

I've search a bit about depressed partners and stories and It hit a nerve. More 80% where the same signs. The same things. The same hot and cold, the same moody behaviour and slowly moving away from the SO. I've read some stories that were 1 on 1 with me and they really hit me.

In most cases, in 3, 6 or 12 months, they reach out, but in many stories, the one that was left behind moves on. I hope I will be in the same situation.

Doing the full house renovations now it helps, a lot, because I have a routine and things to do. I usually finish late in the evening, then get home and relax a bit, check this forum and then slowly sleeping.

I am super happy I don't have any problems sleeping. Dreamt one night of her and she was refusing to talk to me while doing some stuff and I was sooo annoyed.