HonestySeeker

Thanks to all of you. I am still trying to decide several things but I know what you are saying it mostly true. Of course, there are many details that I haven't included but 5 years of this relationship is just too much to share. RedSwim30- you asked if he admitted he had a problem to his ex, yes, he did actually and sought counseling on his own but didn't continue because she divorced him anyway. He also admitted to me during the first big blow up with us that he has a sex addiction, started counseling but when I dropped the divorce he stopped. He really doesn't believe in counseling so not sure it will ever help someone that doesn't believe in it. I know it is part of his narcissistic personality in that he is never really wrong. I know that without a professional he won't change but I also know that he has to want to, which will require him believing it is wrong, which apparently he doesn't deep down. I want to ask him if he is OK with me signing up on these sites and being with other people when I am traveling or he is out of town. I already know the answer to that but I want him to have to think about it. He had a boss during the first few years of his first marriage with a lot of money. He introduced him to the whole lifestyle of having affairs in every city they visited and he did it for about 6 years. It became the normal for him and he traveled weekly all over the world. He says he hates this man for ever showing him this type of lifestyle but I know this is when the addiction started. This is why I think he is able to be faithful as long as neither of us is traveling. As long as we are together he doesn't cheat or go on those sites. Of course, I know we cannot always be together so in one way or another we have to deal with the problem. I really appreciate you all letting me openly discuss this. It helps me think through it and your comments help as well.

First of all, thank you all for taking time to read this and give your advice. I do appreciate it. I know most of what you are saying is true. I do not want to keep being an investigator and trying to keep him from misbehaving when I know it should be a given in a marriage. There are a few things that hold me back from throwing in the towel just yet. I am actually very good at the investigation part. That being said, I know with about 95% accuracy that he hasn't taken it past looking yet. The first time he tried 3 years ago, was with a couple that he had been with many times before we were married and this time it never worked out. I had his Apple watch and saw the whole conversation without him knowing until I was back in town. This time was the first time since that he went on hook up sites. I could see his location the whole time and his son was in his hotel room so that wasn't an option. There was 1 hour that he wasn't in constant texting mode with me and I was looking at his live location the night he looked up the site. I guess I feel the need to talk to him even if I don't get answers because I want him to know I am smarter than he is for one, and for two, I want to see what in the world the crazy excuse will be. Also, in every other way he is an amazing husband. He cooks, cleans, plans special days, vacations, helps my kids that are not his, is good to his parents and mine, well known and liked in the area, as I said the sex in great too! BTW, I have had all the tests done several times and I am healthy. I guess I want to give him one last chance to come clean, admit he has a sex addiction problem, go to counseling with me and be the man that everyone thinks he is. I know I must take drastic action if he will not. So, with that being said, how do you think I approach him for this conversation? We all have temptations we normally don't act on while married. I am hoping this is all it was and that he decided not to go through with it. I know to many I sound crazy, and maybe I am, but I feel I need this conversation for me if nothing else.

Hi, I am new to here and really to forums in general but I need advice. I know many will say I should have left before, so I didn't and still want to save my marriage. Please don't suggest otherwise as I am not there yet. So... We have been married for 5 years, together 6. He cheated on his first wife for years while traveling the world. We discussed this at length and of course, he says she didn't want sex ever, and that was why. I have actually confirmed this with mutual friends. Anyway, while I was traveling twice he was reaching out to other people that he had been with before. I found out and we almost divorced but went to counseling and have stuck it out. I work at home so we are together a lot, we share locations also. I am pretty certain that nothing has happened in a long time. However, whenever he needs to travel for games with his son, he starts to look at things that throw up red flags. We share a computer sometimes and I have seen his history that has in the past year included looking up hook up sites while away. I have seen where he is and with all involved with my investigating, determined that he didn't actually do anything. This does not stop the constant worry that he may at some point go through with it. He gets very defensive and usually leaves mad when I "accuse" him of anything. He says he is an adult and that I should stay out of his business and not treat him like a child. I tell him that he is not a child but he is a husband. He has a trip coming up and I feel we must discuss it before but here are my questions. 1. Why when our sex life is great, would he risk the devastation this would cause? 2. Do I bring it up or should I chalk it up to curiosity and boredom? Being grateful he didn't act on it. 3. When and how do I bring this up so not to put him on the defensive?