loveatlas1010

On 2/9/2024 at 6:08 PM, Wiseman2 said:

She's moving this weekend? Why would you schedule a messy, complicated, expensive date when she's in the midst of moving?  Why wouldn't you ask if it's a good time or if she would like to reschedule after she moves?  Or pick something more enjoyable and low-key like a bite to eat or a drink? 

correction. she did move this weekend but the date is planned for valentine’s day . so not this weekend. typo my bad

13 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Less use of 'lol' shoehorned into every sentence maybe 😛 'Y'all' and 'Dawg' are hard passes at 27 too 😆 Jokes aside I've had similar scenarios where for whatever reason you just don't bounce off each other well in the conversation department or you ask something, get a reply then no question back or elaboration with the topic so you then move onto the next topic...then nothing back again.

If it goes on too often or for too long (past the point of assuming they are shy/take a while to open up) I tend to cut my losses and chalk it up to the 'not clicking/no spark' column, because after all who wants to spend time with someone you can't engage in good conversation with unless it's something casual.

so you’re saying maybe give it some more time? I mean we were supposed to go on a date this saturday  to splatter paint. after that should i just relax and let her reach out to me?

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not step back and see what happens. She seems marginally interested at best. How old is she? There seems to be an immaturity issue. Is this the same woman?:

 

she is 25. and yeah same girl. she is interested i guess but it’s just a wierd dynamic. how so should i step back?

16 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno what Ive said on another thread(if I wrote something). But, she is either a bore or just doesnt want to engage in a conversation. Let me explain: with somebody she would deem "right", she would probably try way more. Schedule dates, engage in a conversations etc. But you are a "safe option". Somebody where she doesnt need to try and you would still be there. So she does exactly that. 

Boot her to the curb and dont look back. 

you right. i just am a very respectful and traditional man, so i like taking the lead and being respectful and genuine and reach out, good morning etc. Maybe that’s the issue lol. I may step back honestly. i was gonna go on a splatter painting date with her this weekend but it’s expensive and maybe i should wait. idk she’s also moving tomorrow and it’s prolly stressing her out , so maybe ill back off and see

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What's so funny about this to you? People are taking their time here to give you input - simply tell her in a direct and caring way -short and sweet -that you two don't have enough in common to continue dating. Then wish her well.   That's it.

chillll dawg lol i acknowledge their response and ask for more advice. don’t take “lols” so seriously

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

why are you still hanging on? I told you to punt her to the curb because she doesn't put in any real effort into this. Nothing is going to change. 

i guess im just figuring out how to tell her lol i don’t wanna like hurt somebody else but i mean you know, you’re right lol what kinda advice can you give?

Late last month, I posted on here about a girl(25F) that I(27M)was seeing and due to her not really engaging much or initiating conversation and me always initiating, planning, etc., y'all said we were potentially incompatible. 

So, to back up a little we first saw each other January 5th. It is now February 8th. We have been seeing each other and going on dates regularly every week. I’d say 1-2 times a week, leaning more towards 1 date a week, and either church or gym other days as casual. Just a side note, during bold questions, she said that she is not too “open” and likes to “listen” and recently she said she is wanting long term relationship but that she isn’t putting “pressure” on it and that she is in “no hurry”. These statements have been discussed throughout the time we have beeen seeing each other with the latter being this week. Our interactions at times are very awkward and i am often finding things to talk about. After I seemingly either can’t think of anything else to talk about or ask, I wait, and I kinda step back  to see if she will initiate conversation or talk or something to engage and put in a little effort. This happened last week and we sat in silence for what seemed to be more than an hour. I confronted her about it and she said she thought i didn’t wanna be there (at the date) (it was a sports event), and then she says “i like silence sometimes”, and then she said she thought something was wrong. Regardless, i feel that while it’s okay to like silence, definitely not so when you’re gettng to know someone. With texting, we talk but her reactions (as i said before) are always “oh nice ! how was your day “ etc., and then we have a conversation about our days and i joke a little and then she falls asleep and the next day again when we talk it’s “what are you up to today”. Like i feel like the texting is not really connective or building, but rather redundant. Normally when you build on a conversation like i do, you would ask about it, or engage further, or note a personal experience to talk about, but it’s not like that. Things have gotten somewhat better in a sense where she asked me to come hangout with her and her friends at the house and watch the game which was nice and she did offer to pay once in this month period which felt good to see some sort of effort. However ( and correct me if i’m wrong of course), it seems like she cares more about time with her friends and work and that’s it because I feeel like you know to get to better know her friends, which are basically her life, because i don’t see her do much recreational activities, you would invite me places with them and hang out and get to know them. I feel like for me, saying that , is just a way to get more ways of diverse conversation because our interactions are flat and wierd sometimes. Any advice from yall good people? I feel at times there is a sense of hot and cold and I see it a little bit. What do you think?

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

She was honest about herself from the start so I don't see it as a game she's playing. Shy, introverted people don't always communicate in ways an extroverted person is used to. Being a listener means just that, she is more comfortable listening then initiating a conversation and going on and on about something. Someone like that tends to be supportive and understanding, can often get to the heart of what you are saying quickly. They may talk less, but when they do talk it's often deeper and will be a subject they feel strongly about. Trust me, hit us on a topic we love and we can get just as talkative. You just need to find the right topic and make us feel comfortable enough to open up.

When she changes the subjects, is it to avoid something she isn't comfortable talking about? For a shy person, we don't like to open up. So we may deflect and talk about something else. Or we try to move the topic to something where the other person will do more talking. Or we just get nervous and say random things because our mind isn't sure what to say. 

She's talkative with them because she's known them longer and has taken the time to get more comfotable with them. There is a level of trust and understanding that has developed. For an introvert, once we feel comfortable with someone who "gets us," we aren't always as shy as we are with people we aren't as used to. Doesn't mean we don't like you, just that we need more time.

As for what you should do, that's up to you. How do you feel about her? If you are someone who doesn't want to deal with the basic communication differences between your personalities, then it's fine to mutually part ways. But if you seem to get along otherwise, then talk to her. Try to find a middle ground, both reaching out to where the other person is at while not compromising on what makes you, you. It would be a shame to lose out on something potientially great without fully giving it a chance.

Also, I'd advise to not think of it as "keeping this girl around." Makes it sound like she's a thing to be kept or discarded. She's a person, so try to understand her for the unique person she is.

 

I understand what you are saying. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that . But i mean it’s more like her texts are like “yeah we can do that!” or “that sounds awesome , my friends and i are going to XYZ!. What are you doing?”… it’s just very idk i’m not used to it. less expressive i suppose? She’s a great girl otherwise.  she just changes subjects , like a lot and i don’t feel that’s there uncomfortable at all, it’s just normal things lol and if i’m being honest, in 5 dates , i haven’t really found a hobby she loves doing or topics she’s passionate about . Again she hasn’t disclosed any of that. even when i ask lol i mean she likes horses and country things , and likes to go out with friends. but it’s so hard to have to delegate my way of communication to find topics to talk aboit with her. It’s like trying to pick a needle in a haystack and just ask random questions like an interview and find out what she likes. i’ve done that on the first date but not interview style but it almost feels like i have to do that😂 

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately her interest level seems rather low. Additionally you seem incompatible and she seems annoying to you. Perhaps reflect if it's worth your while asking her out again. 

should i bring up, obviously with “I” statements that i am initiating every conversation and it feels like exhausting . she did just respond finally after i texted her back 3 hours ago and she’s said “hi. i didn’t wanna bother you haha” and then some other stuff but yeah

9 minutes ago, waffle said:

Ummmm . . . ?? 🙄

well realistically i was busy and prob could’ve shot a text her way but as i said, if i didn’t text her consistently , i wouldn’t ever hear from here. it’s crazy but the truth. gotta see where the effort lies

Hey so I (27M) been seeing this girl (25F) for roughly 3 weeks. We met over christmas break on hinge and i was gone for a month so we talked a bit and i was surprised she actually waited for me to get back. We finally met on January 5th and things went pretty well. We have went on 4 more “dates” since then. I say that because some of them weren’t formal but rather hanging out, gym together, etc. but 3 Real dates we have beeen on. The interaction between us is odd. I am a very upbeat, extroverted dude and she told me when we  met and idk how it came up but that she is not too “open” and that she likes to be a listener. which idk what that even means. During our text conversations , she is very sometimes dry, and she often changes subjects so quick. We will be talking about something and she will respond with something totally different which puts me in an awkward position because half the things she says , i don’t even know how to respond. So, texting is spotty, sometimes awkward ,etc. I also noticed when we were hanging out , she was on her phone a lot of the time which irritated me. The main thing i’m hear to ask is that, should i keep this girl around? I am always the one initiating conversation, always keeping it going and sometimes she seems so shy , when i know when she’s with her friends she’s very talkative at times. Today i didn’t text her at all to see if she would actually put in the effort to talk, and she didn’t text me all day at all except at 7pm that said “Hope you’re okay today!”….I mean am i crazy or is that a wierd thing to say to someone you are “going out with”, as well as waiting all day to even say anything, and that be your first text???? Idk i need some of yall to shed some light for me because it’s odd. I’m tempted to ask what she is loooing for out of this, or what is her communicative preference ,etc because i’m a.very straight forward mature man and i don’t play games , but it’s so hard to read her and she confuses me every other day. so yall let me know please 🙏

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please reread what she told you. If you stay on this trajectory without getting the appropriate help you need, you're heading for a restraining order. You seem to have insight that relationships ended before because of this. 

I think you misunderstood , she told me multiple times that she couldn’t give me the love that I needed and be there for me like I was there for her, and she did tell me that multiple times, but for some reason I still held onto a belief, and we kept seeing each other, even though we weren’t dating, and it was weird because we weren’t having sex either but we were just hanging out, so I don’t know what it was but she just said she needs to go and figure out how to deal with life without her brother.

32 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I am still not convinced of this being 'love'.  To me, it's like a craving of yours and when it's available, you go in full force. ( Attachment style).  It's just how you are.  Is like an insecurity.  One can be quite needy & clingy etc, and can push the other away because of their behaviour.

Okay, so you see where you messed up. Good enough.  BUT, is your way of fixing it to get on into therapy etc?  Because, as for her, she already saw how you work. And, ou say you know you can fix it - by getting into therapy, right?  if this is what you mean, good, but it will take some time to see any improvements.  So, no matter what happens with her, keep on with dealing with yourself.

As for no present meds, due to not seeing a psychiatrist.  A Doctor can also give you something for anxiety, depression etc.  You know your condition though because you have been assessed?

 

 

Yeah, it could be kind enough to send her flowers, but do no more.  Even if she reaches out to say Thank you, you do NOT start begging at her at all.  You respectfully say something easy, like ' You're welcome, thinking of you'.  And leave it alone.

You keep saying her as being Avoidant.  How well do you know this or how she is in this regard?  Do you mean she's got avoidant personality?  Do you understand all of this?

As I read your post again, you two did not really get much 'real time' together in that short amt of time. It went from one extreme to another 😕 .

 

 

I know you have and I'm shocked you haven't been into therapy or anything by your age 😕 .  I was in therapy numerous times in my years, since I hit my teens.  I needed it, I knew that, and I was also told back then, how I should be working on myself and NOT be looking to date for a while.

And I listened to them.  I met my first ex within a year after my intense therapy.

 

Yeah, and that will be up to her and in her time.  No one knows.

 

How about, for now, you work at changing your focus.  I find that journaling helps a lot to 'get it out' another way. Say all you want to her there.  Every time I'd want to say something.. to vent, I'd say it there.  Several times a day, for months, lol.

I'm just thinking of ways to 'work through' your thoughts & emotions.  No matter what happens.

But, like I said, It's good that you've finally got things set up for doing some therapy.  Never anything wrong with that & it can really help with issues.

 

 

Maybe it’s not love . I just don’t know. My head won’t tell me. But I just know when i’m around her , nothing else exists, when I feel her touch, I feel the sense of warmth and happiness. I often find myself gazing at her beauty, and I look at her like every woman would dream a man would look at them. I just have a very intense feelings for her. I presume that I think it’s because her and I have so much in common. she is such an overachiever, and like I am, she has the same value as I do so that’s why I think it all stems from. 

I believe you’re right we did jump in really fast and I open up to people really quickly, so we talked about me a lot, and my trauma in my past, but we never got the chance to really go through her whole life in depth, even though she’s a big talker, but I was open when I first met her and talked a lot about what I went through, and you’re right maybe I should’ve gone to therapy years ago, but I didn’t know how and I I don’t know it’s dumb, I don’t feel normal I feel stupid, and maybe I feel ashamed. I don’t want to feel like this I just wanna be a normal person who is happy and has friends and can go do things that they love, lately it’s just been focusing on my career and school work has consumed me, and all I am ever doing is being alone and I hate it because I crave intimacy and I crave extroversion all my family in the military all my friends, they’re leaving because they’re getting out and I literally have lost every friend and I have one friend and my family is so far away, with everything that I’ve been through. I don’t know if people are dealing with the same thing someone else, but this is a lot to deal with in life seems so hard, especially since I’m so indecisive in my career, I’m also in the middle of moving just like she is, and sometimes everything that’s hitting me at once feels like a lot.

The thing is, the last three relationships have been ended for the same reason and also because I always brought up things, and I think people are upset at me and I should start thinking to myself that if people are upset, it’s their responsibility to bring it up and not mine to pull it out of them. Yes, my solution is to go to therapy and talk through it and also go to a church group to meet new friends, even though I went from being extremely extroverted, and the life of the party to a person who is very shy and nervous now, and always worrying about what others think of me, I guess trauma just ***s you up. I have to be comfortable with fear. I’m a very intellectual and smart person, but sometimes I just don’t know how to execute, and then also plays into my personality style sometimes.

I don’t know if she would want to be with me, I still have her location, and that may just be because she hasn’t remember to take it off, but I don’t know and like I said, it’s only been three days since you stop talking to me, but I crave love and intimacy, I crave giving people love, that’s a part of my personality type, but also it sucks because my personality type and trauma kind of go hand-in-hand because I’ve been messed up so much that I really am codependent on people and with my personality type I naturally am a people pleaser and put peoples needs above my own, so I guess just naturally I was born into not being self-sufficient from my childhood, and I think a psychiatrist and therapist will help me, I have never ever been to one of my entire life and I think maybe this is a shift and change into my life.

I know you’re not my therapist, and I tend to apologize a lot and that’s the first thing that she recognized, is that I would apologize for things that I didn’t need to, and also ask her if she’s OK all the time, but I apologize if it seems like you’re my therapist and I’m venting to you, but I just have a lot to say and my mind is like a racing horse, I also have ADHD so it’s terrible. I haven’t taken my meds in a while and I don’t often tend to neglect. My personal needs in that sense because I am a fitness trainer and very into my physical health, but sometimes mental health really takes the toll. 

What if I sent her flowers and I was going to also sent her a Brazilian wax appointment for Sunday? Like I told her I would before she said she needed to walk away to clear her head, what is she reaches out and tries to initiate conversation? That confuses me because then I will want to, but I don’t know if I should set a boundary and say no, I guess I would have to think with my head instead of my heart.

also, yeah, she’s very avoidant, if you look up anxious, avoidant, attachment style, resonates with her, she is avoidance of situations and avoidant of emotions, and she has commitment issues, she also has OCD and other things, but me being anxious, and her being avoiding, is really tough and it takes a lot of work truly to make things work. 

I feel like you have a lot of answers to my questions and I want to say that I appreciate all of the time and energy that you’re putting into this and it means a lot

10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, that sounds like your anxiety.  Sleep IS necessary, for proper function abilitiies and I can tell you are NOT in the right frame of mind.  This isn't good for you.  So, you really need to STOP trying to figure stuff out & worry about her.

She will do what SHE needs and it's not from you, sorry 😕 .

 

I get it, YOU want to be with her ... to be there for her, comfort her etc.  BUT you can't.  She doesn't want it.  

And yes, you did move along pretty fast - again, reason for her backing off and wanting her space now.  And as I said, YOU need to try and understand this. 

 

Okay, so try and understand this.  It is YOUR anxious attachment, so this is your issue. You are feeding your own problems onto her.  She does not want or need this.

 

Did you already send her flowers once?

 

Okay, I think I already explained, it is not real Love.  You two hardly got to know each other.  There's not a lot there in this short time together.  YOU relied heavily on her and then with her loss, she became even more overwhelmed with things and told you she couldn't do this 😕 .

 

I am sorry for your pains right now, but you also really need to sit back ... take some deep breathes and really get a hold of yourself.

You ARE already aware of your issue's.  So, you know exactly how you can be.  Then let this sink in a bit.  Try and see what's going on.  Try to see how things did not turn out how you'd hoped.

I will admit, I think it's best you do not get involved again for a while until you know you're feeling better than you are now.  I think some more time in therapy can help - and what about meds?  You on anything?

I feel it'd do you much more benefit to work on yourself a while longer to where you do not feel this way. Where you feel you can cope and not approach a partner with such pressures or expectations .... right?

And also work on your anxiety & sleep issue's.  One can & will function better when they've had some actual decent rest. To where your mind & body has had its necessary rest.  That is important.  When you get the rest needed, your mind works better for you.

So, please sit back and think on this stuff..  Reality speaking, you should NOT be this worked up over some gal you became involved with a month ago.  Sadly, I think you lost yourself in all of this and it didn't work out. 

But, it happens so often.  We need to learn how to accept it, heal and move on.

Deep breaths.... go eat something .. chill out for a bit.  And watch something cool before you goto bed - to try and change your mind set  😉 .

One day at a time.

no, I have never sent her flowers, and yes, I know, and understand this is my issue, and I know, and understand what attachment styles I have, and what traumas I have, I just need to know how to deal with them. Yes, I know that we move together so fast and it’s crazy because with my personality and attachment I can idealize a little bit but maybe you’re right that there wasn’t a lot of love there, but I have love for her, and I love hard because I get attached because of my fear of abandonment. Naturally, she’s avoidant and so of course she doesn’t like emotions and all of that , so I see where I messed up and I really just want to fix it, and I know that I can fix it. I have never been in therapy before and like I said, I haven’t started it yet, I should be able to start it next week or the week after . But I would love to send her flowers and a note just showing her that I care, because she cares so much about me. I know she’s dealing with a lot and she avoids a lot of emotion, and a lot of things that require a lot of attention, that’s just in her nature, and I wanted to send her a resource that may help her out during this hard time, because she’s so oblivious to emotion, maybe she’s not thinking about that and that maybe I could give her some insight with a resource, and leave the balls in her court, she doesn’t have to reach out, but give her those things for her benefit and then stop talking to her and just go on with my life. 

I do think that I have a lot of internal issues and I have dealt with stuff that no  27 year old should ever have to deal with in life 

, But it is what it is and no I don’t have any medication‘s because I haven’t seen a psychiatrist, I’ve never been to a therapist or anything, but I know I struggle. I want to eventually see if I can get back with her and because we both are so mature, I think we can get through this as together. It’s just hard because she doesn’t have the capacity to think right now. I also want to know that you’re helping me so much. Thank you.

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

With racing thoughts, insomnia and many other symptoms, you need to get checked out by a physician and get some tests done. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be on pills but your physical and mental health are very important to pay attention to. 

i don’t have any negative self thoughts. it’s more like constant overthinking about getting her back and being ther to support her and just idk reflecting . it’s scary . idk..

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, surely give her space!  She has asked for it.

 

She's trying to tell you have she 'can't do this'.  Now, with respect you NEED to try and understand this.

She's hurting deeply.  She has nothing to 'give'.  She does not have the mental or emotional 'energy' to be able to give in a relationship right now, at this time of her life.  She's struggling and is obvious, she's finding all of this with you, overwhelming. 😕 

So, yes, it's best you remain at a distance and do not bother her about anything anymore.  So, no expectations.  This is how you show your 'respect' in this.

 

Not sure how long you two had been involved, I dont think you mentioned this. but, either way, yes, keep up with your therapy.  Do you have friends to hang with or family?  Are you aware of 'coping techniques'?  I learned a lot in therapy on that. I had bad anxiety - but is more controlled nowadays. ( eg. using your senses to 'ground yourself').

Touch, smell, sight, etc.  When I go out I will have something in my pocket to touch.  I bake a lot, which helps with smells, I will rub my feet on carpet to 'feel' and there's so many things out there like fidget gadgets, even in a buck store.

What you want to do is aim your focus elsewhere and not constantly feel so overwhelmed with everything around you.

What's going on with this poor girl is beyond YOUR control.  it is her issue.  And honestly, I don't think any of that is good on you either. 😕 .

So, is best to try & keep busy other ways, as I said, hang with some friends, do your own thing and work on accepting things did not go well with this gal.  You both need some time.  To accept this unsettling event.

Be easy on yourself.  TC

 

it’s weird, because I have done some deep, searching and only three days and I’ve slept about two hours in those three days, and I figured out how she is wired and I figure out how I am wired and she’s very avoidant and I am anxiously attached and like I don’t know, it just hurts because I want to be with her and I want to be able to work through this together. Listen, we’ve only been together for one month, and yes, I know it’s a short period of time, but we have moved so fast and got to know each other so quick. It jumped in relatively fast 

due to my anxious attachment, and being anxious sometimes and feeling rejection and abandonment, I have to bring things up and try to ask her what’s wrong when she gets upset. I know she has asked me for space but all I can think about right now is when I would be able to reconnect with her and it sucks because I’m very big giver and very big people person and I would love to be there for her right now and I know she has a big support system, but I also know that was very overwhelming for her at times, so she often told me I was her safe space. and that she trust me, so what I feel is that I want to reach out to her and apologize and send her some flowers.

Correct me if this is a bad idea, but maybe I’m just doing this because I want to hear from her, but I also want to be there for her and I know she would enjoy the thought. It’s just hard the way she laughed because she said she would always love me and that’s why she came. Give me the love that I deserve right now because of her mind, and she said goodbye baby. which confused me.  I don’t have many friends at all because they all left the town they were in the military. 

she often told me that was the greatest guy she’s ever met, and that it was a great guy and just the wrong timing and that hurt me the most… 

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You just let the feelings exist. No need to think about feelings. Feelings aren’t facts. If your mind is racing have tools ready to quiet the mind. Things that help me:  having my water bottle full and taking a long drink which makes me “pause”.  4-7-8 breathing Weill method. Brisk cardio. Scrubbing a floor or a countertop. Calling a friend but not talking about me. Mantras that are soothing. I had one in a foreign language that meant “it will be ok”.  

I can try these, i appreciate it. thank you. i often think about if we will end up together but i know that is selfish but we are so alike and it hurts

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to know how to feel better.  Feel what you feel and come up with different reactions.  For example if you feel alone or lonely explore events and meetups and volunteer work and go even if you feel nervous -make a deal with yourself -you have to go for at least 45 minutes and speak to at least 3 people then you can leave.  If you feel nervous try 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it -it helped me get back to sleep late last night after I was upset with my teenage son up late at night.  If you miss this person pick something that gets you moving for at least 20 minutes and where you feel like you're working out -can be brisk walking, dancing to a youtube video, scrubbing a floor.  For example.

Also the passage of time and distance from this person will help a lot in healing.

I really appreciate your support and help, examples you gave me mean a lot. How do I know when I’m feeling the certain feelings if my mind is constantly over thinking or racing or having so much on my mind at once, how can I think about my feelings?

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you been seeing each other? Do you both work? Go to school? Does she live with her parents? 

Having a death in the family, particularly suicide is quite traumatic for her and her family, so she can't really be there for you as before. You'll have to give her space and room to grieve.

You seem to have insight that this has happened before in your relationships as far as needing more space.

Do you have health insurance? Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

That's really the only way to improve the way you feel and the quality of your relationships.

Asking friends, family, GFs and everyday people to be like therapists will be disappointing because everyday people simply can not handle the depths of your needs nor really know what to say or do.

 

Hello , thank you for your concern and care. We have only dated a month. but like i said i get attached fast due to trauma, my personality type, my people pleasing nature and idealistic reactions . I’m anxiously attachment style, she is anxious avoidant. and we both are ENFP but i’m ENFP-T and she is ENFP-A. Yeah you’re right with the grieving… i also have a massive family and have NEVER experienced a death in my family, so i don’t know how to react or support them. I just know that i wanna be there to support because i’m a people oriented guy.She works as an assistant for a wealthy family. I’m in the army, on internship , as well as full time college . i’m 27 and she’s 20, she’s also moving into her first apartment soon, so maybe she’s just overwhelmed. I also feel bad because she is house sitting for a whole month (herr job) and will be alone 98% of the time there to sit in her thoughts. i have a feeling (and i presume, hope) that she may reach out to me and if she does and asks to hangout or talk, should i say no? i mean i wanna be there for her naturally but she also wants space so idk… 

also, yes, I am getting very attached in all of my relationships move very fast, because of my trauma and fear of rejection and abandonment and people leaving, I have a referral for a therapist, but I won’t be available till next week, I am also nervous because I don’t want to seem “ messed up” and I don’t want to feel like I have to take medication’s for my mental health, I want to work through them, or try to work through them. When I first got out of high school, I met a girl and got married, and then had a kid, and she left, and that trauma has maybe made it so that I’ve been jumping from relationship to relationship, and not allowing myself to heal, or be alone. I’m sure the therapist will go through it but I’m not sure.

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m sorry you feel alone and don’t have a support system right now. That’s not a reason to reach out to her. Respect that she wants space from you. Are you a person who belongs to a church or religious place or worship and can go and participate in some sort of event ? Again I’m sorry you’re disappointed that this relationship isn’t working our right now. I hope you feel better. 

i do but i feel nervous going to an event i don’t know why. and i don’t know how to feel better but i apppreciate that.

Hello.

First, I want to warn this will be a long post , and I have been dealing with some pretty severe mental health issues lately and ask for grace and respect in the replies.

My “girlfriend” and I had met eachother and we instantly clicked. She is around 6 years younger than me and i’m 27. She and I are the same ENFP personality type, we share same values, same beliefs, same attitude, make eachother laugh etc.. Things were going amazing and obviously the honey moon phase is great. We both love very hard and thus, we started saying i love you at around 2 weeks. I know this could be a red flag. But we will get to that later and you’ll see why. We often spent a lot of time together and i’m a very anxiously attached person and a people please and i believe that also inhibit BPD Cluster C, and i love bomb occasionally (subconsciously). I’ve been through abuse, sexual abuse , divorce , child alienation from my kid, military, and other traumas. I often apologize a lot because of past partners sensitivity. About 2.5 weeks into our relationship , i was with her and her brother committed suicide. I cant  imagine the pain and what she is feeling. She has a very wealthy family and very large community of family. Neighbors, people from other states, family friends, etc. are always at the house. During the next 2 weeks, we rarely got to spend any 1-1 time together, always with her family , and everytime she asked to see me , i’d say yes (people pleasing). During the course of the 2 weeks, she stopped touching me randomly a lot (i love physical touch), she seemed less enthusaiastic , didn’t open up much to me about how she was feeling etc. Granted, she often talked a lot and everytime we did , i couldn’t get a word in haah that was still the case but it wasn’t about emotions. i’m a very emotionally attached person seeking deep connection and i am anxious attached and i think she’s anxious avoidant. I often would ask her what’s wrong (trauma) because she experienced a lot of hot and cold incidents and i didn’t know if i caused them. But i would do this so often , she got annoyed. She felt like i was bringing up problems every night because (my anxious attachment style), i felt rejected and undervalued and unappreciated , etc. I voiced my concerns, multiple times and she would get offended and it made me feel like i couldn’t talk to her about my feelings anymore. Of course during this time , i’m always with her, supporting her, making her dinner, being there, communicating with her (trying). i’m a very big over thinker and i asked her to be my girlfriend once before her brother passed and for some reason (dumb i know) , again after. she denied both times saying that she can’t be there for me the same way i am for herr , and right now her mind is everywhere and she is receiving texts (community of a family) from everyone and it’s overwhelmin. So, for the next week or two, i kept getting sad, my mood changed, my tone changed (i didn’t realize but she told me) and i got insecure.

We still facetimed and said i love you etc and laughed with eachother but for some reason a part of my brain thought that she was upset at me and my brain didn’t recognize the grief she’s proceeding or how to deal with it… I asked her “ if i’m doing anything wrong , what can i do to fix it?”She texted me and kept saying how we moved fast, and she didn’t wanna feel overwhelmed about continuing to have to deal with me bringing something up again and said her mind can’t take and she  told me she can’t do this right now , and she said…..” honestly i don’t know where to start. For one , I have expressed to you numerous times that i have not been in a good headspace right now. I have told you that I don’t have the energy to be in a relationship. I have set boundaries and taken space(which has barely even begun). When I choose to see you and you leave you say “i wont text you until you text me” amd then proceed to text me first. I get that you want to be there. But i can’t be there in the same way, and i have expressed that. Multiple times. I can’t do this anymore. I understand that relationships have fights. But we have them way too much about things we shouldn’t be arguing about. I do not have the mental capacity to meet my own needs right now let alone someone else’s. I have expressed that to you. Yet, it’s still not enough and there is always somewhere you want to talk about improving. It awesome, i love the drive to be better all the time. But i told you too many times now at this point that I cannot be doing that right now.

I talk about us moving to fast and you asked me to be your girlfriend 2 times. You talk about our future ALL the time. We don’t know what the future will hold. and i like talking about it. but it’s too much for me right now. I have tried to assert my boundaries during this hard time and am trying to navigate what life is going to be without my brother here. You are perfect. just the way you are. Don’t ever let that change. Continue to grow into the beautiful soul that God made you to be. Be confident in you. All around. I love you more than you know, which is why I cannot do this anymore. You deserve the undying love with no boundaries that you have prayed for. Right now I can’t be that for you. I am so sorry.  “I honestly can’t do it anymore. I have tried to explain that I can’t be there right now and I need space and it is alway something babe. i can’t worry about a relationship right now and all the things i’m doing or not doing. it’s way too much, i feel consumed in everything. ….

so it’s been only 3 days… but my mine constantly ruminates , and i often try to figure out why i am the way i am because the last four relationships I’ve ever had, they told me that I needed to heal my trauma, or give them grace and patience, and that I am seeking unrealistic expectations, and the last one, my ex her friend died, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I made it all by myself…. I guess i’m wondering., how to deal with this because she said she loves me so much but can’t do it right now and I guess I’m wondering if she will ever come back around, or if space will help, it’s only been three days and my mind is destroying me and my mental health is not ok and my therapy referral is it going to be until next week.

What are your guys thoughts on this and what do you think I should do? I want so bad to reach out to her, but it’s been an issue before where she asked for space and then she asked me to come over and then I leave and I don’t know whether I should continue texting her or continue giving her space. I guess I’m just needing someone to be my therapist for a moment and help me out and help me understand what I should do in this moment right now I have no friends because everything is changing so quickly and so I literally have no one in my family never reaches out they are far away 

I appreciate it , thank you ❤️🙏