BreakingSad

I hated that you texted me this morning. We haven’t talked in over 30 days and you just message me out of the blue about some dumb movie. I had such a high today after hearing from you. And reality set in a few hours later on what was happening…

I don’t want your stupid bread crumbs or manipulation tactics. It just kills me more. 

I just want us. Whatever that is. I want to see your beautiful face and hug you for 20 minutes and both of us just cry. And then talk. 

I miss you so much. More than you’ll ever know. My heart is broken trying to get over you. My heart is broken if I wait for you. There is no winning here and I hate it. 

I am tired of the pain I carry around with me every day. I’m tired of seeing your ghost every day. I just want it all to end. 

Haha, ok no balloons. Thanks for the honest responses. You’re right, I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me. The way I’ve been acting has gotten out of control. I don’t need a letter, I don’t need external validation, and I need to stop believing we loved each other in a healthy/emotional way. It was a 7 month fling between 2 unemotionally healthy people. That’s really it. I am working on detachment in general, stop controlling outcomes, and just focusing on the present and improving my own life. 

Today I worked on living in the present and worked really hard on just focusing on things that made me happy. I read, walked, went to a coffee shop and even made a couple of friends. It felt good to just enjoy myself without worrying about if I could get her back, or why she is angry with me or all those other negative emotions stunting my growth. I still have a long way to go but thanks for the brutal but honest feedback. 

Wu-Wei

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not a fan of labels for sure but I think you referring to her as your "ex" is elevating her importance in your life. You had an affair with a married woman, then she was a very recently divorced woman and it doesn't sound like you two were exclusive (certainly not when she was married or separated -then she couldn't date you or anyone let alone exclusively) .

You weren't in an exclusive romantic relationship with another single person.  She was legally divorced a very short time when you were dating.  Elevating her to "the ex" also elevates what you are hearing second hand is her opinions of you and your behavior.  Not good IMO.

Thank you for this. I reflected on this a lot this morning. This is yet another comment that knocks her off the pedestal I put her on. You’re right, she was never available in what I want/deserve. I got caught up in unethical situation with a confused/hurting woman and allowed it because of my self-esteem/emotional issues. I don’t think she ever loved me like the way she said she did (Or maybe she did but we definitely have very definitions). It’s time to come to terms that this was never going to work because we wanted different things, her not processing her divorce, my issues, age difference etc. etc. 

And through the last couple weeks I 100% agree that the second hand comments I’m hearing fuels my sadness. She literally needs to be dead to me in every sense of the word. If you are keeping up with my posts you know i have slight flair of the dramatics but again…I am writing her one final letter and tying it into a balloon and release it to the heavens. The only closure I need is found within myself. While I still cry every day it’s went from 3x times a day to 1x. Progress is progress. 

That’s the only way I can continue my journey of healing includes defining better boundaries, explore my emotional issues, better understanding and coping with my HSP and possibly BPD, working on mindfulness, therapy, working out, living in sobriety, and building a life I’m proud of. I don’t need validation from someone who says she loved me one week and hated me the next. That’s her process and has nothing to do with me. That’s not love or anyone I need in my life. The last few days I’ve really been focusing on living in the present and just being positive - smiling, helping people, complimenting people, and just putting out positive energy in the world. 

I keep telling myself that I completely mistook this situation for whatI thought it was and I need to explore more why I allowed it and was ok with why I let it get so far. 

Thank you for all the positive feedback and the swift kick in the behind. 

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In addition to therapy and medical treatment, please join some support groups, both for sustaining sobriety and for the BPD. It will take a while to stabilize, but running after people for feedback about her seems obsessive. As does surveying everyone you know about your character.

Please contact your therapist, physician or go to an ER when things get this out of control. You can also call mental health hotlines to speak to someone who'll listen,  calm you down and help steer you in the right direction.

Please make an appointment with your physician for a thorough neurological and psychiatric work up.  Unfortunately you seem to be spiralling out of control.

I appreciate the advice but i am in a much better place and don’t need to go to such extremes. I have no problem staying sober - I did it mostly because I’m starting to work out an taking my health more seriously. I don’t miss alcohol at all.

I see a therapist weekly and every night I’m reading self-help books and improving myself. 

I meditate twice a day and actively work on living in the present. 

My therapist does not think I have BPD and I’m psychologist was unsure about (he just thought I ha some of the symptoms). My therapist definitely thinks I’m an HSP which I’ve always agreed with. So, we have to look into that some more.

I have implemented all NC including stopping to talk to our mutual friends.

And I think talking to my support group about all the wonderful qualities about me was about the most amazing and positive thing I did. It helped with my self esteem and really enforced that one persons opinion of me doesn’t matter.

And writing down self-affirmations and positive quotes to remind myself to stay on track I think is also positive. 

Yes, these last 30 days have been hard but I’ve seen significant progress through my grieving process (which hits everyone differently). So, I think I’ll stick my own path of physical, mental, and spiritual growth. 

If it gets worse Ill def a Neuro but I don’t think it’s needed at this time.

Thanks for all your advice! It’s much appreciated!

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to stop having these conversations with this "friend."

It's causing you to spiral. 

Agreed. I went out with a couple of buddies tonight who basically beat that into my head. 

1) My friend is not casually offering up this info. I kept asking. Which is toxic and a form of me trying to keep tabs / hold on. No different than looking at pictures of her. I also found her friends are also on this band-wagon of hating me.  It just stunts my healing process. NC is NC! 

2) If my friend is talking to me about her I’m sure it’s vice versa. And if I’m putting off this vibe that I want to win her back and I want to apologize - it just gives her more power and validates her anger (the pedestal). 

I’ve already talked to my mutual friend and said please let’s not talk about her again. I am over it an moving on (I mean I’m not completely over it but in terms of my mutual friend conversation - I just wanted to fake it until I make it so the conversations end). She was super kind about it and agreed. She was a bit exhausted about how much I brought it up. I bought her a thank you card for being a good friend and a gift card so her and your boyfriend can have a nice dinner. 

As a matter of fact, I’m hanging out with the mutual friend tomorrow with a bunch of people and Sunday - she’s going to help me buy new furniture. I am not going to bring her up once. I am going to live in the moment and try to find my fun self again. 

My ex took the route of deflection/projection/protection/crap talking, ton of anger. That’s valid for her but none my concern and nothing I want to be involved with. I am taking the route of healing properly- therapy, journaling, working-out, self help books, hanging out with healthy friends, being sober etc. Also valid but none of her concern. 

I am absolutely exhausted from crying over someone who isn’t crying over me. Im exhausted for trying to fight for someone who isn’t fighting for me. I’m exhausted for taking responsibility for everything that went wrong when she won’t take any. I’m exhausted from wanting to have a rational conversation and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I have my issues / low self-esteem but enough is enough. As much as I love her (or the person she used to be) this is not worth it anymore. 

I could give a crap less about age differences and emotional affairs and all that…In the end….

If people don’t see the things that make me great and unique, they have no place in my life. If people speak negatively of me, they have no place in my life. If people don’t care to resolve differences and work through challenges in a loving matter, they have no place in my life. My inner circle loves me for all the reasons I mentioned above. Those are the people I need to focus on. My daily reminders: 

• Never forget your own worth.

• No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. 

• I cannot control others’ opinions and actions. I can only control how I choose to respond. 

• Everything I need exists within me. 

• My emotions and feelings are valid. 

• Don’t ever convince anyone to love you and stay in your life. You are a gift. You are a prize. If they don’t want to be there that’s a sure sign they’re not supposed to be there. 

• If someone wants to leave, let them leave. Your destiny is not tied to people who walk away. 

• You deserve someone who can commit. You deserve someone who loves you enough. You deserve someone who appreciates everything about you. 

• Stop replaying the past and thinking about the future. All we have is the present. Cherish it. 

• Always forgive yourself. You are an amazing person and always do the best you can. If someone doesn’t see that, that is their loss – not yours. 

• The only closure or validation you need exists within yourself, not others. 

• Love is not an attachment. Being attached is not loving or being loved. Attachment shows the fear of losing. 

• if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. (The most cliche of all)

• Energy cannot be destroyed. Turn your internal sadness and grieving energy to make positive moments and better yourself. 

• This is tough but so am I! 

• Every thought you have, ask yourself – Is this helping me move forward and be a better person or is it stunting my growth and living in a past you can’t control. 

• Somethings break your heart but fixes your vision. 

• Someone who values you would never put themselves in a position to love you.

• You will not heal by going back to what broke you.

• I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you.

• I’m walking away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was overlooking yours. 

• I am tired of fighting. For once, I want to be fought for. 

• One of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life.. Right after a break-up.

• Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.

• You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but staying down.

• Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you.

• Don’t let someone who isn’t worth your love make you forget how much you are worth.

• When you know your worth, you don’t lose people. People lose you.

• You deserve someone who would never dream of losing you.

• Cease seeking a stranger’s heart to love when your own remains neglected.

• I’m only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, don’t second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I’ve wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I’m funny, others I’m not, sometimes I’m in overdrive and I can’t stop. You may not like me, but that’s okay because this is me and how I’ll stay.

• The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. “I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect.

• I didn’t lose you. You lost me. You’ll search for me inside of everyone you’re with and I won’t be found.” 

• “Most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.”

• “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” 

I heard more from my mutual friend that my ex said I gaslighted, yelled, would point fingers, was untrustworthy, had bad character and lied. It made her feel psychologically unsafe she said.

 I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No one ever has described me as that. Is that who I am? Is that how people perceive me? 

It caused me to reach out to my mom, dad, sister, 4 close friends, 2 cousins, and 2 exes (which was awkward but whatever) and asked them if they saw those patterns in me at anytime. Because if so, I want to fix them. I also asked if I there was any other good or bad feedback I should focus on. 
 

All of them (including my exes) said Hell no. They said I was emotional at times (HSP) but it was good and bad. Instead (without me asking they said - most of them texted me a list later that I compiled) that was consistent:

• I am generous. 

• I am kind.

• I am funny. 

• I am charismatic.

• I am friendly. 

• I am protective. 

• I am successful. 

• I am non-judgmental & accepting of others.

• I am introspective. 

• I am always wanting to improve. 

• I am trustworthy. 

• I am empathetic. 

• I am loyal.

• I am honest. 

• I am helpful.

• I am strong. 

• I am successful.

• I am supportive. 

• I am a deep conversationalist.

• I am quirky. 

• I am an animal lover. 

• I am healthy. 

• I am confident. 

• I am a adaptable 

I am forgiving.

Every time I read that list I bust into tears. How can someone I love/loved so much think I’m this evil monster. But my inner circle (well my exes aren’t anymore) say so many wonderful things. I know Im not perfect but as you read above, every day I strive to improve myself. I just wish I would stop putting so much stock into what this one person thinks of me. 

50 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

THIS.

@BreakingSad, you keep harping on the age difference as if you're getting off on it, rather than lamenting it.

It wasn’t my intent. It was to illustrate that it could have been a contributing factor in the demise of the relationship. When I found out her age, I didn’t feel like I was getting off on it. It caused me to think if it would be an issue. I mean I ain’t gonna like though…she’s smoking hot. But I don’t think thats an age thing. If she were my age and I was attracted to her, I’d like to think I’d feel the same way. But who knows. You guys could be onto something. I clearly don't know what the hell is going on which is why I’m reaching out for guidance. 

I struggle each and everyday with it and trying to find peace and forgiveness in my self. One day at a time…

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Good call. Getting it all out, but not sending it  You're healing already. Try not to view this as who's guilty for what. There's no guarantee, but her personal situation definitely played a role in the demise of the relationship. 

Keep in mind, you're still on the mend. It takes a while for the therapy, medical treatment and sobriety to start to turn things around for you. 

Eventually you'll be able to wrap your head around what happened and see things more objectively in hindsight. That is that you didn't really have as much control over her situation or actions as you thought. 

Thank you. I’m feeling a lot better about forgiving myself. I see now that a lot of this is less about me and more about her. It’s her process to figure out. I just made some poor decisions and got caught up in a situation that was doomed from the beginning. I won’t lie, and I know it’s the grief but I do believe she’ll come back around some day (not in a romantic sense) but at least with a clear head and maybe we can exist in the same room together letting bygones be bygones. But I won’t bank on it nor is it any of my business. I am trying to look on the bright side:

-I am 30 days sober 

-I have been journaling for 30 days

-I do regular therapy 

-I’m part of a mental health support group 

-I just signed a lease to a more lively part of if my city (walking distance to everything)

-I got rid of all her crap

-I sold all my furniture and going to get new stuff so I have new place / new start 

-Just got a personal trainer 

-Signed up for a BPD specialist and got some workbooks on it 

-Reconnected with some old friends 

-Joined a few social clubs around town. 
 

Feels weird to do at the age of 42 but  never too late I suppose. I wouldn’t have done any of this had we not broken up. So silver lining I guess. 

8 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Bravo.

It's good to get this stuff out, and says a lot about your own spine and fortitude and emotional health that you realized sending it isn't needed right now. As someone who has written pages to exes—and who has long turned to writing as a way of finding a foothold in the midst of chaos—I realized it was a stage of grief, one where I was not yet ready to fully embrace that I did not have—and never had—the sole power to render a relationship and/or person into everything I wanted. 

Per that, if you're really honest here I think you'll find that you are maybe idealizing a lot of this. It's exciting to steal kisses in dark hallways so no one sees, exciting to hide from a mother, and exciting to feel constantly nervous about things. But that excitement is more like what one can achieve through a line of cocaine than, say, a truly nourishing meal. 

You are right. Despite my part in this, I deserved better. Even-though, towards the end, PDA wasn’t an issue anymore, it had already worn me down. I suppose a healthy relationship (or dating) should start when both people are ready and are on the same page on what they want. And thanks to your comments - I realize despite how causal she wanted this - she did waffle - and neither of us had any business getting tangled up in this mess while she was still married / freshly divorced. It was doomed from the beginning. Not to mention the age difference. 
 

Im still gonna write the letter saying what I need to say and launch it into the heavens tied to a red balloon. 

15 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

When I was spinning around in my head following one breakup—along with finding every whip possible to lash myself with, per a personal habit I've gotten a bit better at indulging—I came across a piece of graffiti that read: "The sum of Ex is always greater then Why." It became a little mantra for me, and so I'll share it in the hopes it provides some perspective here. Read it ten times in a row and see what happens. 

You weren't. No one is, ever. You were only ever one half of the equation here. As such, a relationship does not implode solely because of one person's choices, but because of a bad match that time has proved to be bad—or, maybe more accurately, a match that ran its course. The choices that seem so consequential in the throes of grief in time reveal themselves to be symptoms of that larger issue: a match that no longer has the right ingredients to keep going.

What you're doing now—replaying the tape and creating narratives in which it's your fault, her fault, doomed from the start, and so on—is in ways easier than just saying "Bad match." I get it. There is so much feeling in you right now that boiling it down to something that simple feels reductive. But in time I think you'll see that "bad match" does not negate the reality of what you shared, that it was momentarily wonderful and important and (hopefully) offered you some lessons and insights that are forever. 

Thank you for this. When we were on the same page on what we wanted (or seemed so) we got a long great! That’s what threw me for a loop. 

It was only when reality set in with the age difference, the divorce, the affair, different wants/needed etc. etc. where things began to fall apart. You’re right - no matter how I slice it was a bad match. You can call it timing, age difference, personality differences…whatever. 

I miss her so much and I harbor no resentment. I just hope (for her peace of mind - which is none of my business) she will feel the same. Despite all your comments - I know her very well. And she is not an angry person. I feel there is something more at play here. But you all may be right - maybe she just needed the anger to justify everything. For her sake, I hope the anger will fade, she’ll get some clarity, process the divorce, and live her best life.  

 I will continue strong with NO CONTACT and continue bettering myself. 

I actually wrote her an email today apologizing and explaining how my BPD had a part to play in the fighting. But I sat on it for an hour and reread your comments and then deleted it - PHEW. I figured no matter what I said it won’t change the outcome. She is done with me (which is clear from the social media block) and if I truly love her (which I do) I will respect her wishes. 

 

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I think a place to start is to challenge yourself to remember that this is not fact, but a story you're telling yourself right now. 

To get meta: Let's say that, in response to the above, you deem me an insensitive internet troll and opt to block me from this site and/or just ignore everything I write. Would that be because I "drove you away"? Or would it be because my mode of communication + yours + life circumstances = a bad match for further internet advice chit chat? And if I went to another a site and outlined what happened between you and I here, do you think people would tell me I drove you away or something else? 

More on the self-forgiveness as it pertains here: I think it's wroth reminding yourself that you didn't go into any of this, or make any choices, motivated by malice. You met someone you dug, who tapped into some wants and hopes inside of you—for partnership, for marriage and kids, for romantic adventure—and gave that a go. Neither of you behaved perfectly, which is the norm in literally every single human relationship, from family to friends to romance, that has ever existed. In the end, it did not work, which sucks. At the same time, it does seem to be offering you some lessons, which are valuable. 

If you can push yourself to see it like that, I think you'll start to find the forgiveness you're looking for. 

Thank you for this. To put me at peace here - Can someone confirm that regardless of the BPD / fighting / her anger towards me etc. etc. This was doomed from the beginning and the outcome would have been the same? 

In the end I got tangled up in an affair with a way younger woman who waffled on what she wanted with me but in the end used me as a temporary deflection to  prolong the healing / self-discovery process? And that despite me pushing her boundaries - in the end - I wanted more than she was a capable of giving me? And that no matter what, I needed to be out of the picture so she could go through her process? 

I’m not saying i was innocent in any of this. I made many poor choices. But I think I’m taking on a lot (if not all the guilt). I would feel better and be able to forgive myself knowing that I wasn’t completely at fault and that she had a big role to play in this. And again, no matter how well we got along or didn't…this outcome would have eventually played out anyways? And maybe consider myself lucky I was able to get out when I did? 

Or am I way off base? 

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

I have already and I’m working through that part. It’s just the guilt/regret of ruining this and not forgiving myself is what I’m struggling with. 

How do I forgive myself for driving her away? 

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please contact your therapist and tell them you're crying uncontrollably and are in crisis. You may need immediate intensive treatment. And that's not a negative. If you broke your leg I presume you'd see a doctor. This is no different.

I have already and I’m working through that part. It’s just the guilt/regret of ruining this and not forgiving myself is what I’m struggling with. 

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

YES, OP- YES!!!!   In a healthy partnership, people can discuss anything, even challenging things. 

In healthy relationships, no subject should be taboo.  Healthy partners are ones that wants to help support you through challenging things, because no one is perfect and everyone has their own struggles. 

But as I've already said, she wasn't interested in your issues, because she wasn't invested in a REAL relationship with you, she just wanted a fun fling.  When you meet someone who is truly interested and invested in you for a real relationship with you, they won't mind discussing your issues because they will want to support you and they'll be invested in your well-being and happiness. 

Part of removing her from that pedestal is learning to stop caring about what she thinks and feels anymore.  Believe me, I know this is SO much easier said than done.  We all live in our own shoes and are the heroes of our own story, and it's SO tempting to have thoughts of "Some day my ex will REALIZE how GREAT I WAS/AM!"  "One day they will regret breaking up with me!"  "One day they will come to realize how badly they treated me!"- but the truth is that they may OR they may NOT- and we have to accept that at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  (You can also have a HIGH opinion of someone and STILL think you don't work as a couple and are toxic for each other)

In all honestly, I thought those things after my divorce- and even now occasionally I'll get a quick flash of " I wonder what he's told his current wife about me.  I wonder if he regrets how he treated me.- but these days, it's a momentary flash and it's gone- which is normal and human.  But try not to DWELL or think these thoughts have any real reflection on the past or the future.  These thoughts don't change what happened and they also don't impact the future. 

My personal opinion is that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than the crumbs she was offering you.  

Please take good care of yourself.  Learn from your mistakes and work on being the healthiest you that you can be. When we are the best versions of ourselves, we naturally attract people.  

All the best to you. 

 

Thank you. I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until after the relationship (or whatever it was). So, I never had a chance to talk to her about it. She just thinks I was toxic or not being authentic. That’s what kills me. And now that she has blocked me and is at peace - I have no way to explain anything to her. As I right this, I’ve been in bed all day crying - I keep writing emails/messages trying to make amends/explaining. But then I realize how stupid that is and throw therm in my journal. 

I’ve been reading a lot on BPD (I don’t have it badly.- lighter side of the spectrum) - but still now I see it’s impacted all of my major relationships. And because of it - I lost someone who meant the world to me. And there is nothing I can do about it now. I just feel so defective and wish I knew about it sooner so I wouldn’t have lost her. 

Furthermore, the more I read on BPD I see how hard / virtually impossible it is to keep a romantic relationship for the long-term. That kills me inside. Because I want to be married and have kids some day. And at the age of 42 I don’t think that’s possible anymore. 

Even though I am doing therapy, reading self help books, podcasts, videos, journaling etc. etc. I feel so lost and alone with all this. 

I’m sure she’s moved on and doesn’t care anymore. While I’m stuck with all this guilt, shame, regret, and sadness. I just want it to all go away..

Melody, 

I never got the chance to apologize. I know we can’t be together and I am not trying to win you back. But I wanted to apologize for how things went down. But you’re so angry at me you won’t even give me the time of day. I have to remain no contact to respect your space. I hate it. I hate all of this. Just 2 weeks ago you were saying how much you love me and how we’ll eventually be in each others lives. Rebuild and Reconnect you said. And after a week of silence - you call me up and say I need to move on because you need to be on your own. “No Future Plans” you said. It was a multiple stab wounds to my heart. 

You were so short and cold with me. I understand and not fighting why you need/want to be on your own. But I don’t understand the hate you harbor towards me. I didn’t do anything awful to you. 

It makes so sad and every time I think about it I start to cry. i am doing my best to get over you and move on. I’ve stopped checking my phone because I know you’ll never reach out again. This is it. I never got to say I’m sorry or goodbye. And I hate it. I ####ing hate it. After all we been through I never thought you would harbor unwarranted resentment toward me. I at least thought we could leave on amicable terms. 

So, I just wanted to say sorry here. I’m sorry for any of the pain I caused you. And I hope you have found peace in your new life. I know the person I used to know is dead and everyday I continue to mourn your loss. Life will just never be the same without you. I’ll carry this pain with me everyday. 

I love you so much and goodbye. 

-BreakingSad

Thanks all of you. While I still stayed in bed all day, I cried a little bit less re-reading all these comments. I feel a little better that this wasn’t all my fault.

Me: I got involved in an affair which is quite frankly shameful and my parents raised me better than that. It violated my ethics and I need to figure out why I didn’t walk away the numerous opportunities I should have. I also shouldn’t have pushed / sought constant validation when she laid out the ground rules that she wasn’t ready. I also probably should have been more aware of my BPD and been focused on controlling it more so it didn’t cause her more unnecessary harm.

Her: She shouldn’t have ever initiated contact with me when she was married. No matter how bad the marriage was. She shouldn’t have flirted with me. And she shouldn’t have made advances even when she was separated. She shouldn’t have established boundaries that she herself didn’t follow through on. 

There is probably more but were equally responsible in this crappy situation and now matter how perfect how behaviors were to one another - it would have always ended with her needing time to process her divorce / cope / find herself again. And with the strong feelings we had for one another, I had no place in that process. I was dragged along and I allowed it because of how much I loved this woman.

I’m still sad how she views me now but thanks to your comments I do understand that is part of her grieving process and in time I hope (for her own sanity) she’ll see the situation for what it was and learn from it as I’m trying to do now vs. deflection. 

We do have mutual friends so I know there will be a day our paths will cross again. And I hope at that time we both we’ll be in much better places to at least be cordial with one another. And this is not the healthiest thing to say BUT I hope I hope she realizes what a good catch I am. Because while I do my flaws this situation has taught me to address them head on. 

Because of this situation - I am 30 days sober from alcohol, I got a personal trainer (Im in good shape but want to be better), I moved to a livelier part of the city where it will be easier to make friends, I am journaling everyday, I read self-help books, and I have a therapist now. I won’t lie - most of this was done from the fallout of the breakup and trying to win her back. But EFF it - I’m sticking to it and now doing it for myself. I want to be the best version of me so regardless of who I end up with - I will get healthier everyday and have the confidence and boundaries to find the right person for me. 

Thanks, thanks, thanks again for all of you that took time to help me. I am going to bed tonight resting a little easier. Love you all. 

Also if someone is struggling with BOD and it contributed to breakups or struggles. I’d love some perspective or tips/tricks. I feel so defective and it will plague all my future relationships. Prolly wrong forum but wanted to give it a Shot here. 

Not to keep beating a dead horse but I have a mild case of BPD that I am working through. I think that’s also where all the guilt comes from. I go to therapy for it, take meds, and read up on coping with it. But I didn’t at the time nor in last relationships (I wasn’t aware of it). I just thought I was defective. I have intense guilt that I didn’t recognize this sooner and part of this is why she hates me - the her thinking I changed / lied / the fighting etc. I can’t shake that if no matter what I do in life, I’ll always have a difficult time maintaining a healthy relationship and push special people away (like her).

But what gives me a little comfort based on everyone’s comments that BPD may have been a symptom but the root case was the divorce/not taking time to heal/ wanting different things. A healthy partner would have been more open to the BPD conversations and see if it’s something we could’ve tackled together.

So, if I can convince myself whether we were compatible or not - the marriage thing was a situation (where we ww we’re both to blame) and the outcome would’ve been the same no matter what. I can forgive myself if I know I was 50 not 100% of the problem and remove her from the pedestal you all keep referring to. 

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why on earth do you allow someone to treat you like this? 

 

Good question for my therapist. She was ashamed (nervous maybe) of what people would think so soon after the divorce. She laid those expectations out upfront so I really can’t blame her. But yes, in retrospect it hurt. I guess I was in it for the long haul and was trying to respect her boundaries, be patient, and hope it would eventually pay off. So, I let it happen and at l the time it didn't bother me. And eventually - it was fine. Just a couple months after the separation. She just wanted time to tell her family and friends on her own terms instead of just finding out in a public way. Which I respect. 

Again, which I don’t care about. But yea, the bigger issue was why would I subject myself to this when I wanted so much more from the person I love. Well it was because I loved her…and yes I admit I wasn’t honest with myself or saw at the time I wasn’t capable of doing the ‘gray area’ thing. I thought I could and did try. But I kept pushing her boundaries / seeking validation because I had no idea where I stood from one week to the next. And because of that push/pull it caused me to act out in toxic ways / fights which I can admit (her as well but I’m focusing on me here). 

And I also admit I should have never gotten involved with a married/seperated/divoriced women - especially one so young. I like to think it’s an ethical boundary that I crossed because I got caught up in the romance (my parents raised me better). 

And she even tried to have the rational conversation on why we couldn’t continue this relationship a few weeks ago.  Our dynamic was stalling her healing process and causing unneeded stress. Which again I commend and respect her. It should have happened much sooner before I got involved.  

I say all because you’ve all been so kind sharing your thoughts and providing insight. I want you to know your words are not lost on me - you spent time out of your day to help me and I’m very grateful. 

But at best - despite our feelings - we made some poor decisions that doomed us from the beginning. Why the hell can’t she see that it was a crap situation, the game was rigged at the start, and it caused both of us to act in toxic/cruddy ways. But no - she thinks it had to with our communication style, or that I’m untrustworthy, or a liar, and she’s blocking me. It’s like ***.

I just want to explain to her all of this so she understands. And while I’m stupid I’m not that stupid. You can’t explain feelings and expect to change beliefs. if you think the world is flat - there is no evidence I can give you that will make you change your mind. And Over explaining within itself  is a trauma response  and a form of control. 

So, basically there is no getting this woman back. And if there was it would have to be when we’re both not wounded which means we both have to heal and move on. 

I hate the reality of that because I miss her so much and just want her not to hate me and just take our time to heal/grow and reconnect later. But this is apparently not an option so I say goodnight to you all while this 42 old man journals and balls his eyes out. Goodnight. 

Which I won’t reach out of course. I’ll never break NC unless she did. Even if I saw her in person I’d avoid her like the plague. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're making assumptions about "hate mode" -she's a 20-something freshly divorced woman who likes to party and dance -which is normal - and she likely has moved on from this as should you.  She doesn't want you unblocked because she wants to be able to meet people and date them without you being able to see her social media activity or be in contact with her.  I'm sorry you're sad.

I say “hate mode” because that’s what our mutual friend said. She is she is incredibly angry at me because the more she thinks about the relationship the angrier she got; because we fought and I didn’t respect her shifting boundaries. My friend said I would give her some time to cool off before reaching out. 

43 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

OP, you know how bad this is, don't you?  Is this how you would expect a "soulmate" to treat you?  Like they are ashamed of you? She didn't want anyone to know about you.  That's not just about how "fresh the divorce is".  She didn't want anyone to know you were a couple.  

 If you don't want to date so soon after your divorce or don't want people to know/judge you for it, the answer is pretty simple.  1.  Don't.   2. Don't go anywhere publicly with that person.  By taking you out publicly yet denying your existence as a couple, this is more than cruel and condescending to you.  (Instead of kissing you in front of them, she chose to humiliate you in front of them with a public fight- unless they are all stupid, they knew you were a couple, so why deny the loving aspects of it please see this for red flag it was- if it was just not wanting anyone to know, she didn't need to take you out at all) Making you literally hide from her mom?  That's beyond childish and degrading- it's insulting and shows what she really thought.  She would rather degrade you than own her own choices/mistakes or admit a relationship with you.  This doesn't sound like something a FRIEND would do that genuinely cares about you, much less a partner/lover. 

She lashed out at you rather than accept her own mistakes.  Her decision to "date you" actually shows her lack of care and respect for you as a person. Ok, she made a mistake, but it shows how selfish she is.   (You acted selfish by pushing an agenda you knew she didn't want/couldn't give).  Any way you approach this, this relationship is rooted in selfishness, not a TRUE LOVE formula or a strong relationship formula.  You both pretended to be ok with a situation that neither of you was truly comfortable with.  So, in a way, you did both lie to each other. 

She could have a had a conversation with you- a civil conversation that sounded like " Hey BreakingSad.  This isn't working out.  I had hoped maybe I could be ready to date but I've realized that I am not.  As much as I like you, I have to be honest that you want something more than serious than I am capable of giving you.  Because I care about you, I need to be fair and honest with you.  I associate you too much with my divorce.  I need time to heal and I need space.  I need to be free right now.  I cannot fully commit to anyone or anything right now.  I'm sorry for lashing out at you.  That wasn't right of me.  But the truth is, I'm dealing with fall out from my divorce and my emotions are a mess.  I simply can't be in a relationship right now.  So I'm calling it off and asking you to respect my space and privacy as I grieve and heal."  But she didn't. 

Someone DID raise an excellent point that I think you need to mull over- Why DID you pick someone who wasn't available in any way?  How did you expect this to end?  

OP,  please see the cold reality.   Don't give all your thought and energy to a MYTH.  IMO, You love the myth of who you thought this woman was or COULD be, not who she actually IS.  

I think the reasons she was so mad at you is a matter of projection.  She put you into a "fantasy bubble".   She had a crush on you.  She wanted to feel loved and desirable. You gave her those things.  She wanted something new (trust me, nothing is more intoxicating in the aftermath of a divorce than "different" and "new").  She wanted to feel special.  She may have wanted to score points with her ex (who is recovering faster), maybe she was jealous of HIM dating.   The minute you wanted some grounded reality, she was out- which I'm sorry, shows that you were only ever a "fantasy" to help her thru her divorce.  Once the fantasy faded, she didn't want the reality of being in a REAL relationship with you.  (Please don't delude yourself that this was simply about an age difference- a factor, sure. The be all?  No.  She just wanted a FLING and this was an easier to digest excuse for you.)  This woman was not your soul mate or your great love.  IMO, she wasn't even your friend.  She used you and threw you away.  She's mad that you busted her awesome little fantasy bubble.   With that bubble burst, she has to finally ADMIT some harsh truths about herself and your situation.  And she realized, she did not like the situation she had put herself in.  Of course she's mad.  You yanked her out of her fun non-accountability denial.  

Please review all the evidence that everyone has pointed out of who she actually is. 

I hope you are able to heal and find some peace. 

She actually did have that conversation with me I’m not so many words. She said she needed her space and process her divorce. I supported that. What I can’t reconcile her is going into hate mode a week later and blocking me. 

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That adrenaline rush? Those extreme emotions? Those highs and lows?  That's often mistaken for "true love" or "soulmates". You react strongly to her, ergo it must be love! But oftentimes it's just not. 

A very young woman who said pretty words and complimented you and spent time with you had to be flattering. It's exciting. But it wasn't sustainable.

Just out of curiosity, were you at this club with her and her young friends? Did you normally spend time with people in her age group while this relationship was going on?

I ask because my brother was involved with someone who made him feel like he was 19 years old again. It was so intoxicating to him that he married this woman and then went through all sorts of awful turmoil when they split up less than a year after they got married. 

No, it was a Karaoke club (kind of weird to explain) but the age ranges were from 40ish-20ish. I barely hung out with her friends her age though. As a matter of fact, for awhile, she didn’t want anyone to know we were a thing. Mainly because of how fresh the divorce was. We would have to kiss in the hall way, or she would hold my leg under the table. I just thought of this but one time her mom came over unexpectedly to her apartment and I had to hide on her deck. She didn’t want her mom to know about me yet (until we were in an actual relationship) because she knew she would disapprove of the age difference. How degrading how that I think of it. 

I wish she wasn’t so special to me. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never had an issue with letting someone go or a breakup like this. 

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When was your last relationship, OP? And how did it go?

A couple of years ago. I mean didn’t go well otherwise we would be together but we had differences and parted amicably. It was NOTHING like this. She never hated me or I ever hated her. We both knew we tried our best and it didn’t work. The way I feel about this woman is a fraction of what I felt for my ex. Not only the attraction but all the things we have in common and our conversations….all of it. That’s why it hits so hard. In my 42 years on this earth, I’ve never felt so strongly about someone. IT’S SOOOO hard to let go. Everything in my body is telling me to reach out and make things right. Which obviously I can’t because that would be disrespecting her boundaries. And as much as she hates me, I would never disrespect her or anyone like that. So, I just have to suffer in silence (unless my neighbors can hear me crying) and try to figure out a way to move on. Maybe we’ll reconnect some day or maybe I’ll be lucky enough to find someone a fraction as amazing.