happy1

10 hours ago, RSSR said:

Thank you, but I can't help but notice all your viewpoints on the past dozens of topics are negative. Such is the nature of the forum, but still... 

Thanks anyway!

Hi. Sorry to hear how confused you must be feeling. Things are never black and white and there isn't always a straightforward answer. However, I have to disagree with you that all the comments on here are negative. I have posted twice last week about my worries and the comments were actually very positive. Nobody told me to just 'dump' my boyfriend (who I was worried had feelings for one of my friends). People on here weighed up all of the 'evidence' and offered some very positive advice. 

I'd be tempted to agree with others on here about your issue. If someone says so soon after spending time together that they see you as a friend, that is how they see you. She may very well have trust issues, but if she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't let that stop her and she'd be dealing with them alongside dating you. 

Like I said, nothing is ever black and white and we can't get inside her head. I would say to 'go with the flow'. Send the odd friendly text if you want to let her know you're still interested, but ultimately let her do the chasing and if she wants more than friendship, she'll certainly make it clear in time. 

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Also, you said " I would've thought that he would know this was important to me and remembered so he could ask how it went? ".

- You see, this is your expectations.  Not how it actually is.  Guys often avoid the petty little 'personal' things.  They rather keep their life upbeat, not 'get to the heart of the matter', type thing. Women are the more emotional type & willingly talk about this stuff. Do you talk with some 'gal friends' or your mother etc?

 

Yeah, I get this. He isn't the sensitive type, whereas I am very sensitive. He has admitted that he has never been one to open up about his feelings, so I guess why would I expect he'd be worried about mine constantly. He does listen when I do talk about my feelings and tries to understand where I'm coming from. I think I need to remember everyone is different and they won't act exactly how I want them to - doesn't mean they don't care? 

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Since he habitually forgets things about you, ask him to write reminder notes for himself regarding your upcoming appointments and such.  Ask him to review his notes prior to seeing you and then both of you can discuss these topics. 

This is a great idea! Thank you. 

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But didn't he apologize for forgetting? Or am I not understanding what he was apologizing for?

Because if he did, then he knew you were disappointed. 

He asked how I was and I said I was getting ready to go to my appointment. He replied with 'I forgot about that, sorry.' 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Have you tried any of the suggestions you were given in your previous thread?  Are you asking yourself "Is this legit, or is it my fear, insecurity and anxiety talking?"  Are you distracting yourself by going for a run or doing something that requires your full focus and concentration?

I've been to the gym a couple of times this week and have definitely stopped some anxious thoughts in their tracks, but I guess it's going to take a little while of practice to eliminate them all. I think today with it being such an important step, I'd hope he would remember and then the thoughts were overwhelming again. At least this time, I didn't show him I was disappointed. I came straight on here for advice! I guess over time, I'll start being able to rely on myself to stop the anxiety in its tracks, rather than needing it from him or others. Thank you for your reply and reminding me of the previous suggestions. 

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This latest disappointment is an extension of your general insecurity and fear outlined in your other thread. The dots are connected, in the sense that you are on high alert for any sign you can interpret as him not caring about you. 

Your boyfriend is going to start feeling like he can't please you, and that he's always making a misstep. You don't want it to get to that point, because that is generally when someone starts checking out the relationship and eventually leaves to search for others who aren't always unhappy with them in some way.

Try to keep this tendency of yours in check while you work with your therapist. 

Thank you for your straightforward advice. I can see how once again, I rushed straight into panic mode that it's a sign he doesn't care. 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You are handling this so well. Meaning proactively -the therapy, the self-honesty, keeping in check what you want, expect, etc.  

Ahh, thank you! 😊 It's sort of sad it can take people so many years to finally start having some self-awareness. But at least I'm on the 'journey'. Life is about self-improvement! 

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Children need constant attention. Adults need to be stronger self-parents to themselves, focus on themselves and make good choices.  And even that is no guarantee.  Bad things can and will happen.  Handling them - not fearing them - is the answer.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I definitely feel like a 'child' sometimes, constantly seeking the positive strokes and recognition just to feel 'OK'. I'm hoping this is the start of my journey to being able to parent myself. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I also was really into my on again off again ex of 7 years who also was very reserved and didn't ask a lot of questions -I'd say to him "do you want me to do your side of the conversation? ok "so - how was ____ -did you have a good time??""  LOL.  He was ultimately not right for me.

Be careful about confusing "really into" on your end when it's at least partly based on the challenge of getting a reserved man to be into you.  Often reserved is seen as "masculine" and is a turn on.

This is something I have to be so wary of because I have be prone to liking a 'challenge' in the past, but actually what I really want is someone who shows they care by being interested to ask questions and find out more about me. Not much to ask, is it?! I will have to simply be aware on this front because the asking of questions can be hit and miss with my boyfriend as loving and attentive in other ways as he is. I don't want to settle for a half-assed relationship, emotionally speaking! 

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

From the things you post it seems like you try to connect all your BF's acts to his feelings for you. Maybe you need to focus more on yourself.  Sounds like you really put a lot of what is happening with you on him.  That's a lot of pressure on both of you.  

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think I am still in the process of analysing a lot of his actions to 'check' that he loves me. I am hugely into this man and have never felt as strongly about anyone before. But, I have so many unresolved issues that I am constantly worried that he will leave me, find someone else or that he doesn't love me the same way I love him. It's exhausting, but I am so pleased I have started therapy and found this site where I have been able to voice my worries and get some reassurance from unbiased people 😊! 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I will disagree with you on this one. My husband is reserved and introverted.  He is also a very caring and thoughtful person to everyone in his life.  I've known him a total of almost 20 years.  Met him in his late 20s.  He doesn't pry, he's not chatty, but he asks the questions that matter to those he cares about and we didn't even text until 6 years ago when we got our smartphones -we emailed for a lot of that time but it wasn't easy like today to "ask a question."  If you care you ask a simple question.  Not many questions, not tons of questions but yes the important ones whether you're introverted or extroverted (like me).

I shared my experiences and in the post below because it's a shaky path indeed to need external reassurance to the degree you do IMO.

I completely agree with you there. I don't ask loads of questions, but I always check in one people I care about. Maybe I'm being unfair on him because he does ask some questions, just not the same way I do! 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The problem is you can't live on getting reassurance from others on a regular basis. I was in relationships where I constantly asked others for reassurance that my doubts were normal -my doubts usually were like "am I really in love?" "do I really want to be with this person? do I care enough?"  I would get the reassurance.  That would help very short term.  Until the next time which usually was less than a week later.  It was exhausting.  To me there needs to be a basic core foundation of: security, stability, caring, love, connection/passion - so that if something rocks the boat you're not rocking the core of the relationship.  It's resolvable.  "He's usually there for me and he forgot I had a therapy appointment.  Hmmm -I wonder what's going on with him, this isn't like him." Or "he's there for me in all the ways that matter and I trust him.  And he has a terrible memory so if he forgets again to run the dryer for me while I'm out for 5 hours I'll be annoyed". 

Annoyed.  Not "OMG does this mean he really doesn't care aobut me?? "Mom/Sister/BFF - Husband forgot for the 4th time in 3 weeks to help me with the laundry and now I'm going to be up late again finishing.  Do you think I'm making too big a deal out of this or does he just not love me???"

I really connected with your last paragraph. I go from feeling fine, to 'He doesn't love me or care about me because he forgot my appointment.' Again, it's probably my constant, low-lying feelings of insecurity and low self-worth. Like it automatically means he just doesn't care enough, because why would he? I don't truly believe he should care because I don't really love myself as I am. Hence the start of therapy today. I have so much to work on......

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So be clear then with yourself and your bf - it's not about this time but cumulative.  And you now keep looking for things he is doing that you feel do not show he cares.  Be honest with your bf "I felt uncared for when you didn't remember I had the therapy session and it reminded me of the ___ times in the past __ weeks you didn't follow up with me about what was going on in my life"

Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope all went well with your appointment. 

I have actually talked to him about this before, a few months ago. He doesn't ask a lot of questions in general, but I accept that about him. He is who he is, he's quite reserved. But to not remember an important appointment made me feel disappointed. 

17 minutes ago, savignon said:

If I remember correctly, you didn't believe your boyfriend when he told you he didn't have feelings for his co-worker.  If you go out of your way to believe he doesn't care about you or would rather be with someone else, you will keep finding evidence of that.

You could also turn it around and think "even though I've grilled him on this co-worker he is still with me and is happy for me that I'm addressing some of my insecurities".

Thank you. Yes, I guess I won't turn my thinking around on one session and this is further evidence that ultimately, I refuse to believe he truly cares about me. I just wanted reassurance that this wasn't a big deal, or whether this was something to worry about that he forgets some things I tell him. 

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

It happens. Doesnt mean he doesnt care. He cared enough to apologize so it should be enough to move on from a situation.

How did it go? Did you managed to unwrap why you feel jealous and threatened from coworker?

Thank you. I did think the apology was considerate and showed he knew it was a big deal. I guess that does show he cares. 

So we only did the assessment today, but I did mention that I always feel second best and that everyone is somehow 'better' than me. It made me realise there is a lot to uncover. 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's best to keep what you discuss with your therapist private and confidential. You're BF is right not to pry or ask invasive questions. Don't try to involve him in your therapy. Therapy is for you and your own well being. The relationship is a separate situation. Keep conversations with your BF about your relationship, dates and other topics. Keep what you discuss in therapy confidential.

Thank you, I can see your point and I won't be sharing what we talk about. He has admitted to forgetting I even had it though and I just thought a simple 'Hope it went ok' might've been considerate. It's the idea it's not the first time and it makes me wonder if he even takes in my important appointments. 

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Good for you for seeing a therapist!

I don't think this is a big deal at all. Has your boyfriend been to therapy or considered it for himself? Also therapy is private so in his mind maybe he didn't want to pry? And the therapy is about something that you have been stressing him about so maybe he wants space from it. 

Thank you! I can already see it's going to really help me. So pleased I've taken the first step. 

So, he has admitted to forgetting and apologised. So, it's great he has apologised, showing he is sorry he forgot that because he maybe acknowledges it's kind of a big deal. It's just that fact that this is not the first time and it leaves me wondering if he is really listening to me or if he is really bothered with what I have going on? 

Hi everyone, 

So, obviously I was on here earlier in the week to seek advice for my jealousy around a friend/co-worker and my boyfriend. A lot of the responses were very helpful and I decided it may be that I need to work on my own issues. So, I managed to get booked in with a therapist today and had my first session 😊. 

I told my boyfriend mid-week that I had my first session today and he seemed pleased for me. We didn't discuss at length, but I explained the kinds of things I might bring up about my self-worth etc. 

Anyway, neither of us have discussed it since, but he completely forgot I had the appointment. He had messaged about other things, but has forgotten that. This is not the first time he has done this. He always goes on about how bad his memory is and I know he forgets things that other people tell him so I can sort of let some stuff slide. But I would've thought that he would know this was important to me and remembered so he could ask how it went? 

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You can turn it around but you need to do it now before it's too late and he breaks up with you. 

Thank you so much for your input. I think sharing your experience has made me realise I need to wake up and dp something about this before it's too late. Thank you. 😊 

5 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Thank you MissCanuck for sharing.  Jess, it seems like folks (those of us non-cheaters) suffer similarly when jealousy enters a relationship.  I'm so glad you are exploring alternatives to your previous mindset.

Thank you so much. 

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, you don't want to take advantage of his patience.

What is something he enjoys that you also enjoy? Suggest doing whatever it is. And promise yourself (but don't share it with him) that you will not allow any jealousy or insecurity interfere with this event or activity. You can do a "Scarlett O'Hara" and think about it later if any upsetting or negative thoughts try to pop up. 

I also encourage you to look into online supportive therapy such as Better Help. We do our best here but we are not professionals!

And of course keep journaling. It helps a lot.

We both love camping and long walks, so I'm going to organise something and stay POSITIVE! No jealous comments allowed, even in jest. 

Thanks SO much for all the time and effort you've put into your replies. It's helped immensely and I'm feeling a lot more positive! 

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Let him know he's important to you and that's why you're going to be looking into ways to feel more confident and secure with yourself.  Then maybe suggest a fun activity or event so you two can go and have a good time together.

This is such a positive and lovely idea. I have told him that I struggle with self-worth and that could be triggering my jealous thoughts. Hence why he's stuck around! He's been quite understanding, but I have also sensed his frustration too. I definitely don't want to push him away when it seems I may be way off the mark.

I think I will do what you've suggested and tell him I'm doing some internal work on my overall confidence. 

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Again, this is not "evidence." This is you projecting and connecting dots where they don't seem to be any. 

You don't trust your boyfriend, that much is clear. If you did, you would trust that he's being honest with you that he doesn't have feelings. But you apparently think he is the type to lie about these things - in which case, you don't respect him. 

He is going to get tired of you disrespecting him by repeatedly calling his honesty into question. Think about what message that is sending him: you think he's a liar. 

Also, this is probably less about me not respecting him and more about me having trust issues with ANYONE. It's just taken me to get into a serious relationship with someone I have never felt as strongly about for them to come to the surface. 

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He is going to get tired of you disrespecting him by repeatedly calling his honesty into question. Think about what message that is sending him: you think he's a liar. 

I completely hear you there. I would feel the same if someone kept questioning me when I knew I was telling the truth. I have definitely decided that I work on my issues, see if I trust him after that and take it from there. What I will absolute not do is interrogate him any more. 

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe there's a little voice inside your head that says "My boyfriend SHOULD want her because she's prettier, smarter and better than me at her job". And as a result you've written this entire narrative.

Not really fair to him, is it? Or to her for that matter. 

I'm fearing this is what I've done, which is defined not fair on either of them!