happy1

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How did you find out that he did in fact used to "like" that woman?  Was it as a result of you questioning him again?

How many times do you estimate you've asked him about her?

Yes, he told me he had in fact liked her but it was a couple of years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for two years also. 

I've asked him on about 5 occasions I would say, over the course of the year. 

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Sometimes the best you can do is to "act as if" and just hold yourself accountable for your behavior / actions.  So you might continue to feel the jealousy, obsession and insecurity, but you ARE capable of keeping it to yourself or at least not unleashing any further with your boyfriend.

Thank you. 

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Look at your posting history.  Not to beat yourself up, but to see the pattern.  And the pressure you are putting not only on your boyfriend but the relationship itself. 

In one thread you said you've been together a year, in another it's 6 months - either way, it's not very long and you're supposed to be getting to know each other.  You might not have what it takes for the long haul.  I understand this would be devastating for you but it's reality - most of our relationships are not leading to "forever."

But you haven't given it a chance because you're so hung up on this one thing that is mostly part of your imagination.  You're not even getting to know each other in a normal way because you're all about the hot friend and how he "liked" her one time many years ago.

We've been dating for a year and really serious for 6 months. It's all part of me not allowing myself to fully accept that he may indeed love me, not someone else. It's an extreme case of low self-esteem. I fully accept the advice I've been given, hence why I posted and I read all of the comments and take them on board. But a lot of my thinking and behaviour is not through conscious choice; it's through a lifetime of feeling 'less than'. I am committed to changing that, hence starting therapy and journalling. However, it will take time and at the minute I still need a lot of external reassurance. Of course, I would love to be able to shrug this off like some would. 

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Unfortunately, this type of thing can turn into a "self fulfilled prophesy."   When your boyfriend finally can't take it anymore and calls it quits, you are likely to choose to see this as "proof" that he really liked the hot friend more. Right?

Wow. That's hit hard. Thank you for the insight. That is EXACTLY what I would think if he ended it. It's like I might be trying to push and push to see if he will end it so that I can feel that I was always 'right' about it. Damn! 

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You've blown this into a gigantic crisis in your own mind.   Now you are trying to "accept" it.   That is still giving this innocuous, everyday situation a ton of power in your life.

That's exactly how it feels, like a gigantic crisis. I have a tendency to catastrophize. Sadly, I think I may have done that here without taking a step back to see what I've done.

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Are you aware that it's very inappropriate to be "devastated" because a man you're dating was interested in another woman prior to his relationship with you?   Whether she's gorgeous, average or a troll doesn't matter.

I notice that you mention in almost, if not every post something about your friend and how she's "better" than you.   The language we use and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves is important.  Try to develop and enforce some self discipline around comparing yourself disfavorably with this woman and anyone.    You need to stop that, probably with the help of your therapist.   

 

Thank you. I am working on this with my therapist. She doesn't know that latest and she had to cancel our last appointment. She's told me I have a 'You're ok, I'm NOT ok' life position; quite an extreme version. And I usually plough all of that energy into one person, which happens to be the one person my boyfriend had a crush on. The most unfortunate luck! 

I have an awareness of why I seem to have an obsession with this friend of mine over others, and I guess an awareness is the first step to recovery. I am committed to working on getting better. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is it an issue in the first place that before he dated you he had a crush on your friend and coworker ? Especially since you pressured him to tell you. 

Ah OK, I see what you're saying. That's it's not really an issue and so not really something I need to accept. I think just with it being who it is. Rationally, I can see it's not all huge deal, but as I've mentioned in previous posts, it's because of who he liked that makes it hard for me. Not the fact he liked someone before me, it's the fact he liked HER before me. 

On 2/18/2023 at 12:30 AM, boltnrun said:

Have you ever "liked" a man before your boyfriend? If so, is your boyfriend second choice? Should he beating himself up because you "liked" some other man?

As I said before, YOU are obsessed with her. And your obsession is going to drive him away.

Does your therapist think it's a good idea to repeatedly ask your boyfriend if he still "likes" that other woman? Does your therapist think it's healthy for you to keep on him about this? 

Have you tried any of the suggestions you were given on your other thread?

I've only just started the therapy so it's taking some time. I feel this just sent me back a bit, and the therapist had to cancel a session this weekend so I can't dicuss it until next week. 

You are right though - I definitely am obsessed with my friend and how much 'better' than me I believe her to be. My therapist thinks it's down to 'I'm not OK, you're ok' mentality and I've homed in on her for some reason to keep that mental life position going. 

So then you can understand why finding out my boyfriend liked her is hard. I honestly don't think I'd be as bothered if it were another person he'd liked before. It's my fixation with her. 

Just now, Batya33 said:

It’s sad it’s something to accept. As opposed to just random information “oh really ? I didn’t know- how ironic “

What do you mean? 

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately breaking up won't be resolve the problem of you all working together and insecurities in general.

You're doing the right thing exploring this in therapy and not asking him about it anymore. That's all you can do for now. Accept his word for it that he only has eyes for you and focus on him rather than her.

Thank you. I'm starting to 'calm down' and accept it. 

19 hours ago, Andrina said:

We watch shows where celebrities are attractive, funny, and sweet. But we don't love these celebrities we might have a celebrity crush on. With the right partner, you gradually build a foundation of love where the layers have been built brick by brick as you share intimacy, showing acts of love, caring for each other through illness and supporting each other through the tough times, and having fun together.

I definitely understand this. It's just that this isn't someone from a distance; this is someone he still sees every day and we all work together. 

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think it would be best to break up with him.  You obviously think he's deceitful, a liar and that he's using you as a sort of "consolation prize" because he can't have the woman he really wants.  If you think that poorly of him, why would you want to be in a relationship with him?

I suggest breaking up with him (no need to go into a long explanation, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good fit after all") and then work with your therapist to try to get a handle on your insecurity.  

I agree, I think if I can't seem to settle and feel relaxed, there is no other way. I've only just had my suspicions confirmed, though, so it's still raw. With advice on here and a few days to digest the information, I'm starting to wonder if ending things would be a mistake and the easy way out. Advice on here seems to reiterate that he's 'done nothing wrong' by liking another person before me. My rational head knows this is true, but because of it being someone I constantly compare myself to, it's sooooo much harder to digest and accept. Of course, it's not his fault that I feel this way about my friend. That's my issue, I need to own that. They were both single and she's a lovely, attractive girl. 

I do believe him about his feelings towards me; I don't think I'm a 'consolation' prize. The issue is more me not being able to imagine that he's thought of my friend in a romantic way. It just hurts. It's less about him and more about how much I can take given this new information. 

14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Despite what you say, he chose to be with you so be grateful.  If you want to improve yourself, exercise, diet, groom well (natural without looking gaudy), take care of your health and overall well being.  You will feel self confident and no longer feel insecure.  Regarding self improvement,  everything comes from within. 

This is such great advice and I am starting to implement some of it. I've always exercised and took care of myself, but maybe haven't focused enough on my mental health as much. I have stared to take people's advice on board, it's just that obvious takes time, and right in amongst it, I get the confirmation he liked my friend. It just seemed to set me back. I've calmed down since my OP and I can see a bit more clearly that by working on my mental health, I may just be able to get over this. I pray I can anyway. 

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Are you aware that it's very inappropriate to be "devastated" because a man you're dating was interested in another woman prior to his relationship with you?   Whether she's gorgeous, average or a troll doesn't matter.

I notice that you mention in almost, if not every post something about your friend and how she's "better" than you.   The language we use and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves is important.  Try to develop and enforce some self discipline around comparing yourself disfavorably with this woman and anyone.    You need to stop that, probably with the help of your therapist.   

 

When you put it like that, it's actually really sad that I do this to myself. It's a lifetime of thinking I'm not as good as others. I am working on it with my therapist, but I've only had 4 sessions and it's going to be a looong process. I just hope I can make some headway before I ruin my relationship. 

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

We watch shows where celebrities are attractive, funny, and sweet. But we don't love these celebrities we might have a celebrity crush on. With the right partner, you gradually build a foundation of love where the layers have been built brick by brick as you share intimacy, showing acts of love, caring for each other through illness and supporting each other through the tough times, and having fun together.

A healthy, mature partner will act in a way where they will have in place relationship boundaries, which means even as they encounter attractive people in the world, whether it be in a friendship group, co-workers, and employees working at the store they frequent, they won't allow themselves to flirt, or enter into an emotional affair, nor let their minds obsess over anyone else.

Ever hear the song, Have a Little Faith in Me? It's sung by Joe Cocker. Give it a listen.

These are my suggestions: Do have faith in your bf, since it's insulting not to, as he's done nothing wrong.

Don't ever bring this subject up to him again.

Intensely work on your self-love, self-worth, for your own sake and that of your partner's. Read some books on how to achieve this, and ask your therapist for tips.

Do some volunteer work to focus on helping others with problems, which will likely take the focus off your own, frankly piddly, in comparison. It should also serve to boost your self-worth that you're kind enough to spend hours on those less fortunate.

Good luck and keep us updated.

This is such lovely advice. I am devastated to learn he liked my friend, with whom we work with, but he hasn't shown any signs of still liking her. 

This is something I will have to fight really hard to overcome. Thank you for the suggestions. I love the idea of charity work. I am considering doing a counselling course after I have worked through some of my own stuff with my therapist. 

Only time will tell whether I can handle the insecurities in this relationship...

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why in the world are you burdening this man you care about so much with having to prove to you and be "adamant" he wants you and not her??  That's not you loving him -that's you being self-absorbed and perhaps selfish.  It's unfair to him to treat him this way.  You opened a can of worms and now you're making him suffer.  If you truly care you'll choose to react to your feelings by not subjecting him to this sort of repetitive insecurity/negativity.  

What you do is decide -do you choose him or your irrational insecurities?

I know it's unfair and definitely self-absorbed. I just feel so 'less than'. Of course having a previous liking for her is normal, but she's so attractive, funny and sweet. I just feel that why would he want me over her? She's amazing! I realise a lot of this might be my insecurities, but also I can't argue that she's hot, and actually an all-round lovely person. I just see how he could not still have any feelings if they were there and she's still just as attractive as before!! 

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She is the one who is second best and you are first because he's with you.  He chose you and he's with you now.  Should you continue with your negative thoughts and mentioning it to him, you will push him away and he won't come back.  Stop skating on thin ice. 

I know I do need to stop mentioning it to him. She's just so much prettier and has the perfect body. I feel I can't compete because she's better than me in so many ways, especially physically. 

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

None of this is good on YOU or him 😕 .

Your underlying issues WILL end up ruining this.  The situation is too much and it will cause a negative effect on this relationship....

 

IMO, this is not 'true love'. Has only been 6 mos.  Real love develops over time.  And a woman can gain feelings a while before the man will.

No, do not stick around. You already know how you are and deep inside you know it isn't right.

I suggest you admit you can't do this... for your own sake & his. ( asides from the fact he did have a 'past interest', which is normal for everyone, there's a lot more than just this going on with you ....correct?).

I suggest you remain single for a good while and just focus on YOU.  Don't go getting involved again until you do feel okay.  Until you know your insecurities are more stable. Or this will repeat with every relationship you're in 😕 .

And as for this situation being at your workplace, I suggest you do not do this again... it will mess with your work performance & that's no good either.  Date people outside the workplace.  Keep your place of work just that - a place you work. ( If it comes to affect you too much, maybe consider finding work elsewhere & just start fresh).

There's definitely more going on for me, yes. I've always felt "less than" her in every way- work performance, especially, but also looks - She's got the perfect body and is very pretty. So now I know he liked her, and I believe that she is better looking as well as being better at her job AND she's also very sweet and kind, I just feel I can't compete! 

On 2/16/2023 at 12:01 PM, Batya33 said:

This simply makes no sense because it is so full of what ifs.  Timing often matters a great deal in relationships.  Also even if he liked her "first" back then and even if they dated -back then - it doesn't mean it would have worked out and then dating you wouldn't make you "second best" just "second in time."  My husband dated people seriously while we were broken up for years as did I.  When we got back together, I never thought of him as a second best choice- 

Also google the lyrics to We Have No Secrets -by Carly Simon - this is why you don't go there with these topics, ok? I have questions I will never ask my husband because honestly I don't want to know the answer -for example he proposed to me with the same ring from the first time we were engaged.  The engagements were 11 years apart. 

Do I know for sure he never proposed or planned on proposing with that ring to someone else? He wasn't engaged to anyone else - but I don't know.  And I do not want to know.  I love my ring.  I think it's really special he saved it and used it to propose again. 

I also actually do know that the night he decided to ask me out -we also worked together -he'd considered asking out a coworker of ours as well -we were all at the same large work event.  Considered but decided not to - I'm not sure when or why he told me this (this was the first time we were together in the 90s).  I didn't care.  At all.  And she was so flirtatious with everyone I don't know if she knew and who cares. What does it matter? He chose me.  I chose him.  

(Yes, listen to that song/read the lyrics).  

Also if that is your worst fear count yourself lucky.  I mean your feelings are your feelings but consider why this is your "worst" fear about your relationship.  

This is good advice and thanks for sharing your experiences which have helped me put a few things in perspective. I'm just so insecure. 

On 2/16/2023 at 2:17 PM, boltnrun said:

You got a lot of great advice on your previous thread. You even decided you were going to attend therapy because you realized your fears were caused by your own insecurities. You also realized constantly asking your boyfriend if he still "likes" her and asking for reassurance from him would destroy your relationship and you said you didn't want that. 

Did you follow through with therapy? 

I am having therapy, but this has been a setback finally realising that he did indeed like my friend in the past. As we all work together, I'm on edge a lot and it's always on my mind. I'm worried I'll catch him looking at her and freak out, sending my thoughts spiralling again. 

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Given this thread together with your others, I don't think your relationship is going to work out. 

You are going to have a hard time letting go of this knowledge and you were already finding fault with him even before this. I am under the impression you won't be able to relax enough and the insecurity will continue to eat at you to the point where dating him just isn't realisitc anymore. 

Think carefully about whether you can cope with this new revelation. If not, it's time to end it and move on. 

Thank you for your honest opinion. 

I am in so much turmoil. Do I end a relationship with someone who I really love and regret it because he could be being totally genuine that he has no feelings for her any more. Or do I stay and feel constantly on edge and worry that there's something still there on his part. I just have no idea what to do any more. 

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And now I realize I was right and you did change your user name after all!

Do you truly want to be in this relationship? You keep bringing up something that happened two years ago. You also complained that he forgets about your appointments and other stuff. If he's causing you this much turmoil maybe you don't really want to be with him. It's ok to end this relationship if it isn't working for you. 

I see what you're saying, but the problem is I DO really want to be in the relationship as I have such strong feelings for him and have never felt this way. It's just I'm already an insecure person, and to realise your suspicions were true that he liked my best friend in the past, is causing so much jealousy. He is adamant he doesn't feel anything for her now, but I have a huge inferiority complex around her as it is and to know he liked her just kills me. Whereas, thinking about him having past crushes on anyone else doesn't really faze me. 

I'm just in so much turmoil that I could regret ending something that feels so right, yet I just feel I can't seem to let this go. 

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Be grateful and get those negative thoughts out of your head.  He's not with her.  He's with you instead by his choice.  Don't wonder.  

Thank you

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He chose YOU.  If your boyfriend wanted to be with your best friend, he would've been with her instead of you.  Who has him?  YOU, not her!  You get over this by appreciating your boyfriend for being yours instead of hers and leaving the past behind you. 

Also, since you share mutual social circles, limit time with your best friend in group settings.  Be with  your best friend on your own time separately such as meeting for a meal or coffee.  Don't have group social settings with your best friend, you and your boyfriend together if being lumped together makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward.  Don't place yourself in an environment which causes your angst. 

I know. The sad thing is that I wonder if she'd known, they might've got together, so I feel a little second best. 

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Is this the same friend who works where you and your boyfriend work?

Yes we all work together and I had my worst fear confirmed - that he did indeed like her a couple of years ago..