OliviaJJJ

Maybe he's just avoiding a relationship with you.  If it's clear that he doesn't like/want women approaching him, why would you do that, in defiance of his wishes? Wow.

16 minutes ago, cherryblossom2 said:

Thanks, I’m in agreement. I think I’ll leave him to see if he comes back to me. Do you think perhaps my message would have put him off? 

Nope! Not if he's really interested in you, it won't. You'll find out if he reaches out again. You'll know what to do if and when he does.

No, its a great message - you told him exactly what you want and communicated your needs. And you're prepared to walk if he doesn't step up. Good for you. It's about what you want - not what he wants.

This is a really gross story. And there are men out there who are extremely manipulative. Understanding that and reading red flags (flaming red in your particular case) is not the same thing as being a man hater. If you turn into a man hater, that's on you. You're doing that. This guy you're seeing would have slept with his 19 year old daughter's friend if only he could get it up. That's what he said. He has no boundaries.

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

This is very good point, but very cynical. I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was, I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Still not ok... I'm not going to see him again.

To think that there are people out there that are that evil and manipulative will turn me into a cynical man hater and I'm trying not to be that person.

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trust your instincts. All you can do is be polite and professional at work, but you certainly don't have to give him access to your social media.  Is this the same man?:

 

Same guy! My instincts say no -that this would be potential pain. His track record is not good and its not looking much better with the low effort "contact."

24 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

 

He had a chance with you and blew it big time and now regrets it and thinks just hanging around and pretending he didn't flake on you twice will work.

 Ignore him and just perhaps he will learn that quality women do not tolerate this type of treatment.

 Lost

He may regret it - I don't know but the fact he sent it as though he didn't flake twice is really incredible. He seems to think it's nothing which isn't impressive, tbh.  I decided i wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour and I stuck to it. I'll just continue what I'm doing.

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

He knows how to find you if he wants to speak with you, and if there wasn't something wrong with him, he'd have no trouble approaching you to clarify the past and make it up to you.

I'd leave the request in limbo and move forward. You're not missing some fabulous opportunity with someone who's flaked twice. He's got some kind of problem, and I wouldn't make it mine.

Right. He knows where I am. He's got my number, he (now) has my FB and not one message from him since he sent it. Plus, he could have easily approached me at work even and has not. No real interested guy does this -only a guy looking for an ego boost or whatever.

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When someone flakes on me twice the only way I might be in contact again is if the person properly reaches out, wants to apologize to me again and/or share some situation that was going on with them back then -and take responsibility for disrespecting me and my time (not just in dating) - and then depending sure I might be in contact again.  I'd ignore anything less.

Yes, this is exactly what I thought too. Ignore anything less because I deserve more than a low effort friend request. It's sort of funny how clueless he is - so lame that he can't even reach out properly by text or even a message. That's why I think he's just feeling guilty/ wants his ego stroked. If I accept it, I'm telling him it's ok that he flaked twice. I bet I wouldn't even hear from him again after. He would have gotten what he wanted - not me, but my "forgiveness."

I posted here a few months ago about a guy who cancelled two dates with me. Since then I haven't had much contact with him - he occasionally comes into the store I work at and aside from a couple of interactions where he approached me, I've been able to avoid him. I guess I'm off and on still a bit annoyed but overall, I don't think about it. I think he must have gotten the hint because lately, when I do see him, he doesn't talk to me apart from a couple of glances here and there. This is all good with me.

About 6 weeks ago, I received a friend request from him. I didn't accept it - just left it pending. I felt this was the right thing to do since I do have to see him at work and plausible deniability seemed the way to go in this case. He hasn't removed it - maybe he doesn't know how.  I don't know how he found me since he didn't know my last name and none of my colleagues would offer this information. Anyway, he found me despite having zero mutual friends.

Anyway, I feel this is some sort of weird breadcrumb. My friend says I should accept it since she thinks he's "reaching out through social media" given I didn't respond to his last text  a few months ago where he cancelled the date again. I had left for a few months so there was nothing to respond to and or even pursue at that point. I think he's feeling guilty or misses the attention and just wants me to validate him or stroke his ego. There's been no message from him or any other interaction so what I supposed to do? Accept it and then what? Get drawn into some off again, one again style 'relationship?' My friend doesn't agree and now I am lowkey starting to feel like maybe I'm wrong.

What is wrong with just doing nothing or not responding? I don't understand the push to acknowledge people who treat you badly. I see this on dating advice forums all the time. Be nice, be cordial but what is wrong with simply separating yourself from people who aren't nice to you?

On 6/28/2023 at 1:23 PM, RicBoy1 said:

Thank you for your reply. I could have done just FWB no problem but she led me on. Maybe she even thought she wanted more. She would send me selfies and say thing im your happy woman. she would say I want to take it slow and one day you can sleep over and we will hang out outside, just give me time. One time we went for dinner at her best friend house. We texted daily for 3 months, mostly initiated by me but she also did. She told me all her friends knew about me including her sisters and parents. so I started to act like her boyfriend in a way. She said we were exclusive. Then I noticed last 2 weeks, she didn't initiate any texts but we still kept meeting once or twice a week. Really weirs situation. 

She didn't lead you on. And its not a weird situation - you're just dealing with the painful aftermath. Shock, disappointment, sadness can really cloud thinking and make you imagine something that was there that really wasn't.

It's difficult but you have to move on and heal - she's not coming back. It's over. I'm sorry. The faster you accept it, the faster you will heal. You will.

On 3/14/2023 at 7:53 PM, kai.rou said:

Um. No. I’m not lol. I’m absolutely NOT “waiting to pounce”. I’ve stated MULTIPLE TIMES that I’ve got no intention of even telling her, and absolutely not acting on it! I think it’s you with the “deaf ears” here.
Did you really need to resort to insults? I’m absolutely NOT “clinging on to” any “imaginary world”. What the ***? Where did you get that from?!

There was really no need to attack me like that. I’m not giving into any temptation, either.

Also I don’t appreciate the armchair psychoanalysis; I didn’t willingly fall for this woman, and there is no ulterior motive behind it either!? I don’t WANT to feel this way. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly thrilled about how I feel and I have absolutely no intention of even letting her know, let alone acting on it! 
I have stated my reasons in other replies as to why I don’t want to just ditch her. 
However, I think my willingness to literally MOVE AWAY proves my point that I’m completely willing to put some distance between us!!!!

Again, you didn’t need to be rude and try and insult me, or imply that I’m doing any of this on purpose or for any “motive”. There is no motive.

I just happened to fall for someone. I didn’t ask to. I didn’t want to. I was perfectly fine just being her friend but unfortunately I don’t get to choose my feelings!

I would NEVER try to sabotage her marriage. Try reading my posts and other replies before attacking me.

Why are you here, out of curiosity? You've attacked everyone who has offered the advice YOU asked for. I read this whole thread. No one has accused you or insulted you at all. You obviously need help - continue with it as you've repeatedly said you're in therapy. Leave your friend alone - just keep away from her. I've noted you're pushing the blame on to her for your feelings with this "she'll know, i can't do anything" victim routine. You're not helpless here.

2 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I haven't been on here for a few weeks since I recently started a new job and have been very busy, so I thought I'd post an update.  It has now been exactly two full weeks since I've heard a peep from this guy.  Not a single call, FaceTime, or text message.  I sent him a couple of texts 10-11 days ago, but he never responded to them and he hasn't contacted me in any way.  He called me on March 1st very briefly while he was in Florida and then texted me once later that same evening, but that was it.  He just completely dropped off after that.  I don't know when or if I'll hear from him again and I have no idea what's going on with him, but I frankly no longer really care.  He ghosted me and it's his loss.  It was a total jerk move on his part.  He was probably never all that serious to begin with and clearly has issues.

I have moved forward and I'm now dating a local guy who lives only 45 minutes from me and it's going amazingly well so far.  We had our first date last Sunday, which lasted 8-9 hours, and we spent almost the entire time laughing so hard that we cried.  I won't get into all of the details since it would take too long, but it was the most imperfectly perfect/hilarious date ever and we're spending this coming weekend together.  He's an former police officer of nearly 30 years and he's originally from the same state as the guy who ghosted me.  He moved to my state in 2016.  He is divorced and had a tough marriage like I did, so we could totally relate to each other on that front.  We had both been with our spouses since we were very young.

He is polar opposite of the last guy.  Since our first date, his communication has INCREASED significantly.  We have been texting practically all day every day since our date and we're counting down the hours until Friday, when we will be going out of town together for the weekend.  He keeps thanking me for our amazing first date and saying how it has been many years since he's laughed that hard.  It was so funny that we're both still laughing about it many days later.  So many hilarious things happened during our date, and the last guy who I traveled 5 hours to meet was the butt of our jokes over dinner.  I have never felt this amazing.  He is so sweet and respectful.  He wanted to make sure I was comfortable during our date.  When he brought me home, he said he would come inside, but he wanted to respect boundaries.  He definitely wasn't trying to sleep with me on the first date.  We did kiss, which was amazing.  He told me today that he can't stop thinking about me and he sent me a meme that said, "Falling in love is easy.  Having sex is easier.  But bumping into someone who can spark your soul is extremely rare."   Yesterday, he said that he has never had this strong of an urge to spend time with somebody.  We definitely seem to be having the exact same feelings and I feel very good about this.  We both agreed that we would like to see where this goes and we are officially dating.  It's also a million times easier since instead of being 300+ miles/5 hours away, he's only 35 miles/45 minutes away, so we can see each other whenever we want.  

I would slow down personally.  The same thing that went down with other guy appears to be repeating itself with this new guy.  Falling in love on the first date? Remind yourself what love bombing means and be careful.

No one is having that good of a time on vacation or business that they don't take a second to text if they're interested in someone. I'm away for a few months and find the time to text friends even to send a photo or a quick hello. If I had someone back home I was involved with, I would be keeping in touch. Also, I get reception in the jungle so any idea that they're cut off from the world is disingenuous. Wifi is literally everywhere. No one is cut off from the world for an extensive length of time.  I would see what happens when he returns if that's what you want or just make the decision to move on now.

On 2/27/2023 at 10:38 AM, jwrunner81 said:

Exactly when did I ever say that????

I'm sorry to say that my impression after reading each post is that you've subtly said it throughout this entire thread, tbh.

I'm curious to know about the phone call myself - since you haven't responded, I'm guessing boltnrun is right. I hope not and that you're moving on.

Why does she deserve a response? You have no obligation to respond to her. You had two dates? Don't be her puppet.

I would not respond.  Not responding to someone who is mistreating you isn't ghosting. Someone this wishy washy and who clearly doesn't care about you doesn't deserve another second of your precious time. A month ago, I was asked out for coffee, guy cancelled, asked to reschedule and cancelled again. I didn't respond. I just walked away and put him out of my mind. I see all these posts on various social media where people advise "responding" to be "polite" to people who treat you badly. This is genuinely mind-boggling to me.

She needs to leave you immediately. And I'm not joking.

1 hour ago, Radiant41 said:

I reply: "Yes, you told me. Yes, I remember, Yes I listened or read about that too etc..." T

This struck me. If you listened or read about it, why don't you talk about it? Often, people ask me if I read this or that or listened to this or that and off we go into an interesting conversation about it. It sounds like you do have shared interests - why don't you try engaging instead of just saying 'yeah i read about that." Isn't it interesting to you? You must have thoughts about what you hear or read. Maybe share them with him.

I didn't find anyone attractive or even be with anyone for 13 years and when I finally did (I wrote about it here last week) it was over within a week because the guy turned out to be a epic time-waster. lol. You're definitely not doomed.

Anyway, while I'm both a bit stung (still a bit if I'm honest) and annoyed at myself for being dumb, I'm glad I put myself out there to feel attraction again. I'll get over this blip and you will too. I would probably heal a bit before getting involved with others - comparing everyone you meet to your ex isn't healthy. Once you start to feel strong and focused again, these things seem to just happen. But you gotta get over this dude and I would make that my first priority.

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

My best guess is that he has a gf and that he's a jerk. That he noticed you were attractive and sensed you thought the same, and it was a heady spark for him. He crossed a boundary to feed the spark, and then got spooked about his mistake, or his gf made major plans he couldn't back out of for both weekends.

He might be on his last legs with a relationship and envisions you as someone to monkey branch to, but if that's the case, he's still a jerk.

If you never had to see him again, if it were me, I'd block his number. Since you seem to regularly see him at work, in that case, I might text: I'm no longer interested in a coffee date. (and whatever minor ditty you want to add to that). That is, of course, if you want to avoid conversation about the matter when he sees you at work. And then you can block his number. 

I think you're (and everyone else) are right. Anyway, I'm not all that interested in going for "coffee" any longer and I never did respond. I woke up feeling pretty meh and feeling stupid I even fell for this nonsense. 

I did consider saying I was no longer interested (or saying ("i'm definitely not interested in coffee with you) but I just left it. I AM going on a big trip and I leave Monday. I took a leave of absence from my work so I won't even have to see him at all.

By the time April rolls around, I will have long forgotten this whole episode (am already now) and by the time I'm back at work, I will just return to the regular employee/customer relationship.

It's idiocy that he thought we had actual plans - I made no confirmation or even responded to the 'maybe saturday' thing. That shows a whole level of arrogance I didn't consider - or even saying "I definitely want to meet up." Just say you can't go without all the irrelevant chitchat. Like literally he's an imbecile. For myself I would never have bothered if I was in his position! I would have taken the hint.

Update FWIW

He texted me this morning and said "I hate to do this but i have to cancel again on Saturday for the same issue as last time. He said he would "definitely like to meet up with me at some point soon but I think you said you are leaving on a big trip soon?"

I didn't confirm any plans? What plans? The last communication was last Sunday when I decided not to respond to his maybe. I feel like he's breadcrumbing - surely he realizes I didn't confirm or even reply?

I have so far ignored the text. I think I will continue to do so because my gut is screaming red flag. But why is he doing this? What is the point? Its been a week - I didn't get in touch. Leave it alone already.

Yes, he will contact you again and that's when you say no or don't even respond. Cut off contact and find someone who will treat you well. This guy isn't that person.

From someone who works in retail and frequently deals with this type of situtation, this is my advice. Please understand she is paid to be nice to you and you will be invading a space she is unable to remove herself from.

You write your name and number on a receipt or something AND THEN YOU LEAVE so they can do whatever they want with it.

You ask, “could we talk on your break / when you get off?” without asking when that is, then you do whatever they say, AND THEN YOU LEAVE.

You just need to actively prevent them from feeling trapped.

Two days isn't that long. Fairly standard for a second date.  I would forget about this one. She's not into you. If she wanted to talk to you, she absolutely would. This behaviour sounds like game playing which you absolutely do not need.

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Exactly!  That response would put me off, too. 

Whenever a date cancels on me, I always respond-- no problem.  Hope things go well. Let me know when you'd like to reschedule.  The end. No more conversation from me. 

Some people just want to cancel.  Let that thought be your default reaction.  A person that is interested in getting together, says things like-- "hey, (insert reason here) so I can't meet as planned, are you free on (insert new time here) instead?"

This is it. When you're legitimately interested, you'll apologize and set a new time without the vagueness and we all move on to the next day and time. I guess I can analyze why he even bothered to ask in the first place, but that will never really be answered.

Thank you -its simple really, isn't it?