wheredowegonow

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Avoid getting hurt by remaining more cautious and if you know a man won't remain within your geographical locale,  be alerted that he's not meant for you long term nor permanently.  Don't get hurt again.  Become shrewd instead.  Protect your feelin

Everything you've said, you've said in such a gentle way. This is all good solid advice. Thank you for this. In retrospect I'm wondering, what was I even thinking then! 

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

My guess is that your guy is going through the same thing, OP - his attention is towards his big life change and he's now letting unsustainable connections fade. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just that this always had an expiration date. It's just arrived a bit sooner than you expected. I would bow out gracefully and work on lettin

That's good perspective. You've nailed it! This indeed did have an expiration date and I'm overwhelmed because it arrived sooner than expected. I'm pushing it to be something more than it can be and there in lies the conundrum! Thank you for helping me navigate my thoughts s little bit! 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Some women, who are wishful and really into a guy, look for signs he's feeling the same as her. I've learned that things like the above quote are meaningless without the all-important suggestion of being monogamous, and then following through with being faithful.

This is so true... Lesson learnt. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

He has, no surprise, tried to be intimate with you, knowing very well, unless he's the dumbest man on the planet, that that act would be hurtful to you in the end.

Yes, that definitely was a ***ty move. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't even take it as fact that he's actually moving to another country

He's definitely leaving. I know this for sure for reasons I cannot elaborate here. 

I think I'm definitely realising some of his careless and inconsiderate moves from these comments. I also realise that some of it was my doing too. Shouldn't have gotten lost and blinded by emotions and taken a logical approach. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something very similar. As I'm trying to find answers to my situation on this very website, I'm beginning to realize, guys always know when they are leading someone on. I think he should have been honest and upfront with you the minute he knew his scene clearly. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think intercourse is related to emotional commitment at all

I'm afraid for me it is. Sure, might not be the norm for others. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

and not strong enough on his part to make sure his special someone wouldn't be snapped up by someone else

Yes, that sounds so right. Hate to admit it, but maybe my availability leaves him with nothing to worry about. 

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

It sounds like you’re both on the same page about sex being the next level of commitment and you don’t want to take that step

You're definitely right about that. But I know it'll wreck me later if I go ahead with it. I'll feel even more connected and will be even more difficult to move on.

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Again I'm sorry you're disappointed!

The last couple of times we met, he's still been confused and has shown so much affection and held my hand. I think that's what has led me on too.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Fix whatever it is that was making you unhappy before he came along. If you resolve those issues, you'll be able to see more clearly. This is just a man, not a savior.

Yes, I definitely need to for my own growth. I did not rely on him for my dose of happiness or to be saved in any way. It was a mutual connection and we both felt deeply for each other at some point. It's one of those I-didn't-expect-this-to-turn-into-something-so-lovely kind of situation. I'll definitely learn from this!

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

Google the Chinese concept of "wu wei" - it's all about going with the flow, effortless inaction, doing nothing.

That really does sound like something that will help me tremendously now.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an ephemeral situation you can only enjoy in the moment.

I think accepting this and making peace with this will definitely do me good. Thank you for this thought!

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice. He had mentioned long ago that there's a music festival he'll be organizing this Jan before he leaves for good and wants us to open for it and that'll be awesome.  The reason I'm conflicted about detaching is, reconnections can happen in life because we do have a connection, that's a given. Maybe the timing isn't right right now. That does happen in life right? Reconciliations? But I do realize that by hanging on to hope, I'm putting my life on hold. Maybe as all of you rightly said, I'm attaching myself to someone I know is eventually leaving. Maybe this is a good pre-cursor to start preparing for that eventuality and accept it...Back off and start detaching myself 😞

I'm just not in a good place in life right now and he came in and really brightened up my life. Maybe I should keep things cordial and move on?

Thank you for making me see that the faster I accept the eventuality, the better.

Any tips on how to start detaching without being butthurt, panicky and emotional. It's strange, but even seeing other people doesn't feel like a good option right now. I never want to get this involved with anyone again without knowing where it's going 😞

Thank you for your reply. It breaks my heart. I think what hurts the most is, if we did indeed have a genuine and beautiful connection, shouldn't he be feeling bad about this connection ending? Instead of pulling away, maybe be a little gentler with this?

What I'm conflicted about is, since he's leaving I wanted to make the best of whatever time we have now. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering whether I should text him again and that maybe not because he isn't putting in effort etc. I might regret not making the best of the little time that we still have...But then again, shouldn't he feel the same way? 

I'm 35 and wondering why did I even sign up for online dating.. I'm miserable. I met this guy on Hinge and we instantly hit it off. A dinner date turned into an arcade game scene and turned to us having a ball and really connecting.  He had just moved to my city and was planning on moving to Europe by the end of this year. So I told him from the get-go that I'm not looking for something casual. Right from the first date, things had been awesome and he even wanted to kiss me on the first date itself and from the second date onwards, we've been holding hands and being romantic - we cooked together several times, went for a movie together, went bowling, hiking and I even jammed to music with his close friends. Throughout, he's been super attentive and caring and has remembered tiny details of our conversations. He used to make plans with me very often. Sometimes even right after the day we met.  After a month in, our hangouts usually consisted of  hanging out at his place with his dog, taking his dog for a walk, cycling around  and cooking and making music. We hardly went to any restaurants or any place outside of his home, but the time spent with him has always been wholesome. I've been seeing him regularly since June. In August, he began preparing to leave for Europe and we got emotional and hung out at a restaurant and later went to his place and got frisky. We both thought it'd be the last time we'd see each other. I asked him then that do I have to start seeing other people and he said I guess so.

But he didn't turn up for his Visa appointment and turns out he's here for several months more. Which means we probably have even more time together now! We had a beautiful cuddling session last month and he even said he wants to sleep with me, but I denied because if he has to leave, things will get complicated. Also, we haven't labelled this relationship...I've been too afraid to have the talk and ruin things and even he has just gone with the flow, but he always behaves like we are in a relationship. We've met a few times after this but I feel like he's losing interest now. He's not actively making any plans and just like that, 5 months have passed with this guy, without knowing where this is headed. I feel I'm too attached to him now and not hearing from him for days at length is driving me crazy. I know to the reader this may sound petty and I may b sounding like a fool, but I don't now what to do. last week he couldn't meet because he had to go for dinner with someone and I'm feeling so insecure.

Also, right from the beginning, he's been chatting from his Whatsapp business account. I'm wondering if it was red flag I just accepted? Surely I should have insisted for his personal number? This has fizzled out. Should I try harder, or just accept and move on?