reggierags

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How can you get to know someone when you're both plowed?

Well we weren't hammered until the end (4 shots). Mostly couple of beers and a lot of food the first 5 hours or so. I think it's because we got to know each other that we bonded to the point of too much alcohol

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you think it was fun to get drunk or impaired with her one on one -how will that help you get to know each other? 

Ask her what she likes to do.  Some date ideas are: museum, picnic in a nice park, hiking, a swing dancing lesson, live theater or live music, a comedy club.

Well it was her idea, all three times. And it was fun, and I we did get to know each other. Of course, it's certainly not the best way to do so

I know she likes art classes and keeps talking about that. She knows I'm in one with my sister

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Is it an impression she gave you? What she tells you & what you see can be very different.

Is she still going on about 'her ex'?  So she is 'venting' on you?

Do YOU really feel she is in the right mindset?

 

Well she told me she would never cheat and never gets involved with guys too quick. I take her at face value 

She hasn't gone on about her ex. Only on that day complaining about her sex life and last week saying her therapist was shocked. No more than that really. She hasn't vented, besides venting about work from time to time
 

Do I feel she's in the right mindset? I do, but again I take her at face value. She has rough days with her meds but she said she's always been this way 

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you want to go on a date and she suggests a date then confirm a time and place.  It doesn't matter what she does or how she contacts you -you get to choose your reaction.  I would not consider her invitation to hang out and get high an invitation for a date and I wouldn't make a plan like that especially since you work together.  I would not be around her in any impaired state.

You are in control of your choices.  

You're so right about impaired state. It was a fun night but something we should repeat only if we're together. As it is we got too personal for friends I think 

You think that could be why she has ghosted our getting high hangouts? And just wants me to ask her on a real date?

As I mentioned before I think, the day before that planned hangout she mentioned she wanted to go to this place but it was too expensive. I believe, believe, she said go with me, and I immediately said Iets go I'll pay no worries. But connected it with out getting high hangout, as in let's go after that.

She was very distant today at work and it's really starting to affect me not knowing anything well.  I should probably just ask her out properly on a date, with time and place like you said right? Either that or forget about her but that seems difficult right now

She also mentioned how she doesn't like regular dates like dinner or movies so I gotta come up with something good. Then again I like that she told me that, gotta be good no?

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You, being her friend is not a bad thing.  That is what you are!

Sadly, I see her as a struggling co- worker is all.  And with her ending a relationship, she has NO room for you.  PLUS, she has some mental health issue's?  I think the last thing she needs is another relationship.  😕 .

IF you can't handle this, then maybe it's time to seriously back off.  Give some distance and let her work through her problems.  She need to work on accepting that relationship is done and all of the emotions involved, etc.  

Is fine to be a decent guy-friend to her, but no more because, IF you were to cross those lines, you ( or her) may come to seriously regret that!  

1) This is a co worker.. if things go bad, how awkward will this be for you two?

2)  Would most likely be a rebound.  Yah, they end as fast as they begin and it hurts 😕 .

So... think again on this idea of yours.

 

I'm decent to her and would certainly not overstep my bounds, but she keeps reaching out at work, more than she did before and still flirting. I don't know her perfectly but from what she's told me before and after her breakup, she's not the type for a rebound. Maybe she lied, who knows, but that's the impression she's given me

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she's not making and keeping plans with you and they are not date plans.  What do you mean "if she wants something" - you mean if she wants to date you? have sex with you? take drugs with you? What something do you want from her? So she stares - doesn't mean she wants to date you.  

It's not odd -it's a run of the mill drunken hook up.  You want to date her -so ask her out on a date and it's your risk to take as far as her stability.

No like when she says she wants to go eat at this place or go to this exhibit or wants to smoke and watch a fun movie. When she wants that and mentions is directly to me, should I ignore it and tell her sure it's a date or something like that?

8 hours ago, jul-els said:

The description you gave here should tell you everything you need to know. 

I'm bad at this, can you just tell me? I've been ignored/rejected before but not by someone who keeps wanting to have contact with me and keeps a flirtatious tone

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not odd at all . You're not dating. You have to work together. Leave her alone for now and do not view drunken drugged out behavior as an invitation to sex.

Stay in your own lane. The last thing you need is a date rape accusation or sexual harassment accusation. You're not that clueless.

Ok stay in my lane, sure, leave her alone, sure. But, she keeps reaching out to me, whether to chit chat and random flirt or walk her home. I'm sure at some point she will again say she wants to go somewhere or outright invite me. What do I do then? Be more direct asking what her want or reject her?

9 hours ago, jul-els said:

You’re idealizing one moment between the two of you. You should take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

The whole picture is odd, that's the thing. If she was just ignoring me then great, but she keeps making plans with me, keeps looking at me for long period, keeps asking me to walk her home...and at the same time not answering texts for days. It's a very bent picture that I can't read

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

TBH I don't think she's wants to be serious with you...she's just using you for attention because you are there and that's what people do when they are getting over someone. I would give her some space and no go out drinking with her anymore. Guard your heart. 

I guess that's possible, but she used to behave like this before they even broke up, now it's just more. I will give her space though, if she wants something I guess she'll let me know? I am asking cause I'm clueless..

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So you like her because she likes you? How is she "choosing" you -you mean choosing to interact with you and flirt with you and get drunk with you?  I don't understand why you think choosing not to text back right away is a radio silence.  She is a person who is unstable in a number of ways - so she is not a person who is likely to be reliable or consistent in her interactions especially when she chooses to get drunk and use drugs. 

Perhaps you like that she chooses you as part of the thrill of the chase -and deep down you know she is not available for a serious relationship given all of her issues.  Maybe that's a benefit -you get to enjoy the drama and know you probably won't have to commit and walk the walk so to speak.  How have your past interactions with this sort of drama worked for you?

 

Not just when she's drunk but in general. Making random plans, coming into my work area for no reason, staring intently at each other when we're all in a group

today she again asked me to walk her home but didn't say a word about what happened over the weekend

I dunno about the chase, since I usually avoid that ***, but deep down who knows right? I've never had an interaction like this type of drama, no. Most of my relationships and hookups are because the other person initiates it, just like she's done now. I'm terrible at reading people and often don't even realize they want something. Hence why I'm here

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Since she was drunk and physically ill you have no idea if your relationship "grew" for any relevant purposes -your interactions were different and closer physically because you both chose to be drunk and you as a human being chose to check up on her because she made herself very sick from drinking. 

 

I do feel it grew, though, as we've been closer than ever since, albeit hot and cold depending on the day

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This sounds like she was fishing for you to ask her on a date.

Why not just do that instead of making this more complex than it needs to be?

Good luck, and fingers crossed.

I mean when she said that we had plans to go to her house the next day. And like I said she got a bad fever the next day. However that wasn't a date. If she says something like that again should I just specify I want to take her on a date?

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I know you are excited to take that next step but be careful….she’s an emotional train wreck. You are in rebound territory. 

Well not ideal but at least I would know what is happening, right now I'm at a loss. Do you think I should just tell her "can we talk?" I mean communication is above everything 

33 minutes ago, jul-els said:

 

That being said, you should think about what your reasons are for wanting to ask her out. From what you describe, she doesn’t seem to be in a stable place emotionally at this point.
 

 

I got it, yeah. I wanna ask her out because I feel like our relationship grew that night, but has stayed dormant since due to not doing anything together other than talking at work, walking her home and a bit of texting here and there. Like I want to know, or wait till she is in a better place, but then risk losing what we had that day

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I tend to agree with this. 

She's fresh out of a relationship and doesn't seem to be in a great place, OP. This doesn't make for a good start. I think you might be getting into a hot-cold dynamic with her here so I would tread cautiously. 

tread cautiously as in wait or forget her? I see her everyday and she talks to me, we make plans, kinda hard to just forget her without being rude

what do you think about plainly asking out on a date to forget the awkwardness? 

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

you've already flirted a ton and played touchy feely games so there's some sort of attraction there. 

why would she then just cool off then? :l

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean it's up to you - and it sounds then that she is attempting to self-medicate given her mental health issues.  I don't think there is harm in asking at all - you've already flirted a ton and played touchy feely games so there's some sort of attraction there.  She does sound like she has a lot of drama and health issues although that's hard to tell whether this is a regular issue or otherwise.  Most 31 year old women do not have hot flashes unless they're in early menopause. That sounded odd to me.  

Oh the hot flashes was because she was gonna throw up. Not sure if that was the right term though. Yeah I can tell she has issues, I'm kinda used to that and usually attract them, but of course I gotta be careful. In the end I really like her though, especially becasue she continues to choose me like she has. But then her radio silences make me doubt

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would ask her out on a proper date in public where you both stay sober if your purpose in dating her is to get to know her.

I see that she has a chemical imbalance, that you both like drugs and that your encounter last time involved both of you being drunk. 

So I'd decide what you want out of going on a date.  Do you want to get to know her better for a potential relationship?  Since you both like drugs is it your intention to include using drugs as part of your dates -not sure how both liking drugs figures in especially since she has mental health issues.  If you choose to indulge in your enjoyment of drugs that's fine but it's not really allowing either of you to get to know the other more in a dating context - it will be knowing what she is like on drugs -you already saw what she was like when drunk. 

Also, she only recently ended things with her boyfriend and she's looking for more of a "connection" whatever that means -it's a really vague statement -could mean a relationship or could mean good sex with someone she likes hanging out with.  Who knows.

As far as liking how open you feel around her I'd question how much of this will be apparent if you're both sober.

Thanks for your answer! So you think she'd be receptive yo a proper date based on this? A week after going out?

You're right about the drugs. We've made no plans to do that again though and should probably avoid it while we get to know each other more

Sorry if it's a long post but this is starting to affect me and I'm not sure how to either move forward or forget about it

I'm a guy, she's a girl, we're both 31, we work together though she is planning on leaving and it's not a serious job for either. We've known each other for a while and have been flirting a bit here and there until the past two weeks when she literally just said she broke up with her boyfriend asked me out for a drink after work

She said it was one of the best nights ever and she was happy to finally get to know the mysterious me. She found excuses to touch my hair, beard, nose many times, bump our hips together, let me feed fries in her mouth. We ended up at her apartment though nothing happened, way too drunk. She gave me a tour, took me to her bedroom then her bed though soon she was nauseous and asked me to get her an ice pack, when I came back her shirt was almost off because she was having hot flashes I guess, and was just lying face down suffering. I left after a while

She's confided in me about her mental health, including things like her therapist being surprised she broke up with her ex. Tells me about bad sex life they had and how she's just looking for more of a connection

On many days I walk her from work to her house because she's asked if I could, that's how we became friends, but this Friday she changed it to "do you wanna walk me home?" with a big smile, hard to say no to that. She also mentioned in passing that she wanted to go somewhere with me the next day but is having money problems.

There are some bad or maybe iffy things, like calling me her friend, then again that's what we were (are?). She's had a rough week with the hangover, meds chemical imbalance, a bad fever, among other things. She's thanked me for supporting her so much this week and being a great friend, even sending me a good morning text and another one where she was grateful I'm always checking in on her. But overall she barely texts and has long radio silence periods, like since yesterday. We had plans to hang at her house, not exactly a date yeah, but she said "I woke up with a really bad fever 😞 ". She didn't answer to what I wrote and I'm guessing I'll just see her tomorrow at work. Her phone says last seen since she sent me that message. The plans were he idea btw, I just re-confirmed them

I really like her but like I said not being sure where we stand is starting to affect me a lot. Neither of us wants kids, we're in the same stage in our lives, we like drugs, both areligious, and I love how open she is with me and makes me open. She doesn't seem to have problems getting in my personal space such as when we're all in a group she comes right next to me even if she wasn't close. While I don't do that very much on the other hand, I try but it's hard for me. Perhaps she is looking for that though. Should I just ask her out and tell her I want to take her out on a date? Or first have a conversation with her? Perhaps hold her hand or something cause I know I haven't been very physical and I would hate it if that pulls her away 😞

She recently broke up with that guy and I broke up with someone three months ago. I know I'm good, she says she's good but hers is so more recent. I'm afraid of overstepping my bounds. Anyway, thanks for listening. Any advice is deeply appreciated.