NagChampa_

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This ^^^ is you North Star. It's your main fact to contemplate and click your heels together to send yourself forward.

You fell in love with your own fantasy 'about' someone, even while you didn't really know him at all.

I don't mean this dismissively. Our fantasies can be one of the most difficult things from which to decathect--OR, they can be the simplest.

It's your decision.

My heart goes out to you. This is your opportunity to choose which lens you'll want to use to make this time easier or harder on yourself.

One takeaway that I'd embrace is an avoidance of seducing myself with fantasy connections. I'd use meeting apps to set up quick coffee meets with local people to learn whether we share chemistry and simpatico--or not. The nots would be fast 'nexts,' as I move forward to keep screening my way to a great match.

You deserve to find REAL love, so step out of your own way, and you will thank yourself.

Head high.

Thank you so much <33

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But if I understand this situation correctly, you two hadn't spoken in months - correct?

 

Yes, correct. We'd msg each other but then delete the msg and get notified on it. Like I said, it's in the past. 

Edit to add: My hope was we would re-kindle our relationship. I'd go to his location and not so scared to open my heart.

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t trouble yourself with speculating whether he settled.  Who knows. It’s irrelevant. Odd he reached out. Glad you are moving on. 

Thank you. You're right, onto better things. 

On 5/23/2022 at 10:32 PM, SherrySher said:

You deserve better.

Block him, allow yourself to move on. Don't let him still contact you. All it will do is keep you from healing and finding the right man for you.

On 5/24/2022 at 12:46 PM, Rose Mosse said:

I agree with the other comments about blocking him. I think you've been hanging onto this for way too long. How could you sustain that kind of interest in someone who hasn't contacted you in eight months or shown any interest? You may be leaning towards building fantasies or creating illusions that aren't quite there. 

I think it's odd that he contacted you at all to describe his situation as it's not necessarily any of your business, respectfully. Perhaps you had messaged him first earlier to ask? Let this guy go. Meet locals in person and spend more time in person too. 

As mentioned in my post, when I saw the wedding on IG. I messaged him and thought it was really low of him to not even let me know he was seeing someone. Especially since he and I had been speaking everyday for 3 years. I wasn't creating fantasies, we had a genuine relationship and I never got that in person with the guys here. That's when he messaged me and told me, I cut ties with him and that was never what he wanted.

It is what it is, he's blocked and I'm moving on. Thank you for replying. 

On 5/21/2022 at 11:34 PM, SooSad33 said:

Sorry you are hurting 😞 

But, I do agree with above.. IF you mattered enough to him he would have 'tried', for real.

I feel he was leading you on - which is awful!!  And was leading a double life, obviously 😕 .

And who know.. in the end, they may not even work out 🙂 *karma* .

Either way.. yes, you do deserve better.. I know, it hurts.

One day at a time.. Maybe journal all you want to say to him.. Vent it out another way.  I find it helps .

And also let it be a learning experience... is maybe best to be involved with someone who you will see for real a lot more than a cpl times over such a long stretch.

 

Ugh, thank you so much. As I told the other commenter.. he reached out today. He said I was the one who chose to cut ties with him and leave him. He reconnected with his EX (turns out) one month later. Oh, and he also said he is getting older and needed to make a family and not wait around for me to decide what I want. 

Sounds like he settled, but I wish him well I guess.... 🙁

On 5/20/2022 at 7:12 PM, SherrySher said:

The quickest way to get over him, is to keep reminding yourself that if you truly meant anything to him, he would have never done this to you.

It was a huge slap in the face to not only not end things properly with you, but then to leap into another relationship so quickly. Not only a relationship, but marriage and pregnancy!

You obviously invested your feelings into this relationship, and he may have momentarily, but had no loyalty to any of it at all.

You made a mistake, and instead of forgiving you, he goes and does this.

You deserve better.

Don't sit around and wait for any words from him, they are all meaningless now.

Block, move on.

Thank you! He reached out to me today. We are not happy with each other. He said I was the one who chose to cut ties with him last summer, not him. He also told me this woman is his ex (whom he told me about). Never thought she was a threat but clearly they always had a connection. He wished me well and hopes I meet someone who will love me like I want. Don't know how to feel about all that. He also said, he is getting older and needed to make a family and was not going to wait around for me to decide what I want. 

On 5/20/2022 at 2:45 PM, Seraphim said:

Basically you’re mourning the death of a fantasy. You met a few times and it was awkward and only communicated online or virtually. In your heart you knew this was not a real relationship. It was a built up fantasy. You had a fight and never pursued making up but mad he went and got a life. Mourn the loss and then move on. Meet people in person that you have something in common with. 

I will do that. Thank you.

On 5/20/2022 at 5:12 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Girl. It was last summer. Let it go. Be happy for them and don’t let it hold you back from finding your guy. He’s not that guy.

You are right. It just hurts. He told me today that it actually is his ex that he married. So that's awesome. 

On 5/20/2022 at 3:36 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Online relationships are tricky. As you can never be sure how other side is and what other side is up too, because you arent there with them. For example, while its possible, its highly unlikely he just randomly met some girl and married right after you broke up. Who knows what was going on but as you were never there you couldnt see the signs or anything else. So avoid online long distance. And try to go out and meet people more. You mentioned XBox, so maybe cutting that time in favor of maybe walk, or organizing some other social activity might be a good start.

Also, there is no timetable on healing. You are angry at him and that is a part of process. But do try to just move on. While its not easy, you shouldnt care that he probably knocked up some girl and had to get married. Heck, you should probably be glad its not you by the signs of things.

Well... he just reached out to me today. Turns out he started seeing his ex a month after our fight. -- I have not played as much as before but still love to game regardless. Thank you for the reply! 

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. You'll do better meeting local men.

Taking a break from men for a long time but you are right. 

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Basically you’re mourning the death of a fantasy. You met a few times and it was awkward and only communicated online or virtually. In your heart you knew this was not a real relationship. It was a built up fantasy. You had a fight and never pursued making up but mad he went and got a life. Mourn the loss and then move on. Meet people in person that you have something in common with. 

To mourn the loss sucks.. but life must go on. Thank you! 

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is your clear evidence that this relationship was mostly a fantasy. Reality didn't live up to it. 

I think you are grieving the loss of that fantasy rather than him, since the attraction just wasn't there in real life. He wasn't your dream guy. He was someone you hoped could be, and wanted to be, but he just wasn't. 

It would be wise to avoid cyber romances in the future. As you can see, reality often is very different from our imagined version of the person. 

This just clicked for me. It makes sense entirely. Thank you so much! 

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

 

I'm sorry that you feel this way, but there's no real relationship to grieve. This was an online fantasy of him and the relationship in some sort. You can't fully tell chemistry, compatibility and go through ups and downs of a relationship when it's ldr.

I hope as your heart heals you can meet local men and get a feel of what you were missing all these years.

It gets better. It always does. For your sake, it's better to cut full contact with him. Give yourself time and space to love yourself and put yourself back out there.

Okay, you are right. I will say... when we did meet there was no chemistry at all. I tried convincing myself but physically it was awkward. 

Hello, I'm dealing with the same thing. Luckily my "ex" isn't in my state but on social media. We need to keep our heads up and and move forward. We owe that to ourselves. I know it's easier said then done because I too am working until exhausted and feeling that ache sucks. 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was it an arranged marriage?

I wish. He said they met in August and he hopes it works out. 🥺

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OK, so this was primarily an online relationship.

You can't plan to marry someone you've only spend a few days with in person.

Most people prefer in person interactions over communicating over an electronic device. You can't hug, kiss, hold hands or cuddle while watching a movie with someone's voice or video image.

I recommend, now that people are able to move about and socialize more, you get involved in activities and events where you can meet new people.  Maybe join a group for gamers or people who like the kind of movies you like that meets in person. Attend events.  Having in person interactions will be very helpful in putting this XBox guy out of your mind.

I know it wasn't ideal but to us it was. Apparently not for him. I just need to heal but it sucks. Thank you for responding! 

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My first question is, how did you two meet? Next question, how much time did the two of you spend together physically in person?

Maybe he felt a long distance relationship wasn't for him after all. But it would have been nice if he told you he was involved with someone else.

We met on Xbox. Facetimed everyday. I was planning on moving to his location if things ever got serious. We looked at houses and talked about having kids. We met twice in person (COVID sucked). 

I'm honestly crushed right now. I was seeing this guy long distance for 3 years. We were best friends and we're intimate. I feel like we met at the wrong time because I was freshly healing from a toxic relationship. (which he knew). We got into a bad fight last summer, it was my fault entirely. But I gave him space after. 

I've missed him everyday and hoped he would reach out to me but he never did. (I reached out on XBOX but unsent my msgs after). 3 days before his wedding, he let me know he's engaged and expecting a baby so on so forth with a huge a paragraph. I WAS SHOCKED. I wished him well. But the next day I knew I was heartbroken. I've been crying, can't sleep, it's been rough. I sent him message venting how these were our plans and I was healing before rekindling our romance. I went off on him. Obviously, I got no response and I'm even more upset. He hasn't deleted me off XBOX (where we met, but I deleted him) it hurts too ***ing much. I just can't believe this. In addition, his best friend posted the wedding on IG stories and I saw her. He and I had plans about our future and we never ended things like that. It was a fight that should have NEVER happened. I hate my life right now. I truly felt like we had a bond like no other. He moved on, got married, and is now going to be a dad - I feel like I never mattered. 

Edit to add: He met her in August her said. One month after our fight.