Stevie15

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Lol that's my narcassist mom in a nutshell. "Everyone loves me and wants my advice, idk why".

They ask her for relationship advice because the image she gives to people is that she's friendly, chatty, and happy in her life. The truth is she's a depressed angry narcissist who abuses her husband and family and plays victim... It's all about the image though! Outside home it's one face, then at home it's another.

Honestly OP, why do you allow yourself to be treated as such and be associated with a partner like that? You have every damn right to say you're not feeling it and leave. Or RUN if you can.

So you have first hand experience with this behaviour? 

If you don't mind me asking, he do you approach it? 

Feel free to drop me a private message if that's possible and more confidential 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and it's important to care about someone and give to them including giving space and realizing that it goes both ways- in his view, getting back to you within 24 hours which to me is highly reasonable in response to a vague text that's not urgent is being reliable.  Your expectations are different so find someone who would react just as you expected - if you type that you are feeling down and need a few minutes to chat right then or within less than 24 hours, that person has to respond in your time frame or to you that person is not reliable. 

Often that will mean finding a man who doesn't have any sort of intense career, doesn't have kids, or elderly parents who are unwell, or other types of time sensitive situations in his life because if he has his phone with him and his girlfriend calls and wants to chat a few minutes about feeling down, he should be able to get back to her right away or within a couple of hours -as long as he tells her in no uncertain terms why it's going to take a couple of hours. 

He should step away from whatever he is doing at that time because you are his girlfriend, you called, you know he has his phone with him and it is on and that is what reliable means to you.  Find that person so that you can feel like that person meets your standards.  

Maybe we have just been raised differently. He has two sisters I have never met so maybe they are the same? I have no cclue.maybe we are just internally different. 

I care deeply about the people in my life and I would do anything at any time for them. 

Maybe it is about perception 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. My sense is that this wasn't the first time he'd received a text from you asking for his time to help you feel better.  Or to reassure you.  Or check in with you to reassure you.

Actually it was. 

I've spoken to him about things personal to me before but only when the conversation has gone down that route. 

Id never asked persa 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's a lot to put on a new dating partner -don't you have others you can talk to? Why are you comparing how he acted at a different time with a different person? Your insecurities are fairly intense, no? You remind me of the guy I was dating for about a month who peered into my purse when I opened it, saw a couple of business cards and asked me "politely" why I had all those cards when -as he remembered - I'd told him I wasn't a fan of networking -or some nonsense like that.  One example of a couple where I felt under a microscope, being tested.  He might feel like you're testing him to check whether he'll jump as high for you as you perceive he jumps for his friends.

I don't have insecurities, at least not with myself. I'm quite happy with who I am. 

I chose/choose to talk to him because he is my boyfriend and I felt he was important enough to me to be able to discuss things and rely on him. 

I don't ask him questions about his life unless we are chatting generally and I don't question things he does. I certainly wouldn't dream of looking over his shoulder. It's a breach of privacy.

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why weren't you clear that it was related to him? Why did you type this instead of wait to talk in person?  This had happened weeks before and somehow you thought about it again and because you thought about it he was supposed to be available right then to talk about it.

It's nice he replied that night to check in and say he was busy -that was thoughtful of him.  Sometimes when we feel down it doesn't mean a friend or partner can drop everything to chat right then.  Even given technology.  

It wasn't thoughtful. 

He only replied that way to stop me calling or texting him again 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Oh that's not what you wrote above.  And someone who is feeling down often needs more than a few minutes.  How you would react is not the right test and you don't know how often he calls his buddies, how often they ask, how much time he takes to respond.  You're playing a comparison game that doesn't really make sense (at least to me).  He did not have time right then. He did one day later.  It was not an emergency.  Possibly were you testing him to see how long it would take to respond?

Not at all. 

I genuinely felt low and wanted a chat. 

It's hard to make people understand the angle I am coming from. 

If he was busy he could have said something like 'I can't talk now but we'll tall tomorrow'.

There was nothing. Just I'm busy and then a follow-up saying he couldn't reply for the rest of the night. 

I know him. His phone is never out of his pants and it only has to bleep and he's on it. 

I have seen him drop a lot of things to reply to people who have asked him for a few moments. This is the point and it's hurtful knowing he will do it for them without question but I was swept aside. Not even a text later to ask how I was feeling. 

When we did speak, he didn't even acknowledge it. Never asked then if I was OK or feeling better.

There never is

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

If someone initiates constant texting you don't have to go along with it.  I wouldn't. I think it makes a new relationship quickly stale and is more like a chat buddy "see what I ate for lunch/I got wordle in 2 tries!" kind of thing.

If I don't answer, he doesn't like it and asks why

Just now, Batya33 said:

Well no it's apples and oranges -you chose to type a very serious "we need to talk" message -instead of waiting till you could call him - and you wanted to have a full discussion.  Perhaps he could have typed back that this felt weird to get a text like that and he didn't have that sort of time till tomorrow - but he didn't -he showed you his discomfort with your choice to text and ask for his time for a "talk" by taking some space.  Perhaps save serious issues for in person or a phone call.

I never said to him I wanted to chat about issues nor did I say it was anything serious. 

I just asked had he got a few minutes for a chat as I felt a little down. 

From his view, it could have been about something totally unrelated to him. 

At the end of the day, if he was feeling down, I'd give him my time if he asked.

He calls his buddies when he knows they are having a hard time. Why should I be any different?

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that sounds really normal.  Do you feel the need to be in constant contact? He may have needed a smidgen of space.  One day is nothing IMO.

As I said, I never initiated that. 

He did. 

It was only after I said I felt down and needed a chat that he backed off. 

Almost like he couldn't take the time out for me. 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that sounds really normal.  Do you feel the need to be in constant contact? He may have needed a smidgen of space.  One day is nothing IMO.

It may sound normal but not when this person is constantly texting and calls and then just stops for no apparent reason. 

That's the point I'm making. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But you wanted to have a longer conversation -by phone, right? I mean you wouldn't want to type about these important issues you had in mind would you?  Maybe he got tired of texting throughout the day -is that a way you feel develops a strong emotional connection? (I never personally thought so - my husband and I would email a couple of times throughout the day and have a phone call on days we didn't see each other, when we were dating but why have to keep checking in all day and discuss routine details -sounds like that gets stale -maybe it did for him)

Its him that initiates though. He chose to call every day. He chose to text that way. I never asked him to or expected him to. 

When somebody does that of their own choosing and then just stops after you ask them for a few minutes of their time because you are feeling a bit down, it is almost as though they don't want to know or don't care.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So he's a narcissist but it's out of character for him to take a day to have time for a proper, non-emergency discussion? How long have you been dating and how many times have you asked him to have a talk about "issues" in your new relationship?

When I say he texts, it can be silly little things like pictures of his pets or memes. He sometimes just sends messages. 

That was what was unusual, that he cut me off when I asked for chat (I never said what about) and then I didn't have any general contact for over the next 24 hours 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why was 24 hours such a long time to you?

If he was the type that texted every other day or barely at all, then I wouldn't have doubted an eye but he texts regularly throughout thee day so it was unusual.

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why was 24 hours such a long time to you?

Because it was out of character for him

That is very true. 

He says they all turn to him for help and advice and that he is very depended on. 

Thing is, he doesn't make me feel that way you know? Like I could depend on him. 

I went through a hard time a while back related to an issues that had occurred between us weeks before and I asked if we could chat one night. He replied no and that he was busy. He even followed up with a message to say he was busy the rest of the night so couldn't reply. I didn't hear a murmur from him until 24 hours later.

Either his buddies are oblivious or I am. Maybe both in different ways?

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Omg, RUN, RUN, RUN.

He has red flags of the size of China. Trust your gut and the signs. This is who is and this is how he likes to treat you and you'll be treated in the long term.

He's a selfish non-caring jerk who does not see you as an equal partner in life and does not treat you right. He is just full of himself!!

And, That^ He surely has narcissist and abusive tendencies. And let me guess, he appeared all charming at the beginning and everyone seems to love him leaving you confused in your own thoughts?

RUN and don't look back. You don't deserve this. You deserve a man who will make you feel special and loved. Nothing less!

Spot on.

I am confused.

He has lots of friends, though I have only met one. I have seen interactions on Instagram and other SM and he gets invited places a lot. He has a few really close friends and you're right. I'm confused.I do trick myself thinking how has he got all these friends if he is so bad? 

What can I see that they cant or vice versa?

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t think either of you treat each other well. Why are you finding fault with him instead of dumping his sorry @ss. Nobody likes being nitpicked even pompous you know whats. If you don’t like him that much end it and free yourself.

In defence of myself, I do treat him well. I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him. I have only ever asked about his behaviour WHEN he has been behaving in such a way because it confuses me. I certainly don't nitpick. Quite the opposite. 

Approaching the forum here and asking is just for my knowledge so I can understand a bit better

Hiya all

I'm in a relationship with a guy and I am starting to suspect that something is not right. I've had suspicions about it before and thought it was 'just his personality' but now I am wondering if there is something underlying? Is he a narcissist? 

He seems to love himself a lot and have a very high opinion of himself in general. If I ask him what he loves about me, he tends to dodge the question or simply say 'Do you want a list?'. He will then add on 'I don't ask you what you love about me but then again I don't need to because I'm me. I'm brilliant'. He also tells me I won't find a man like him because they don't exist. They don't look as good, don't do things as well as him or listen like him (even though he doesn't). He doesn't ask about work, about my health appointments and most of the time forgets, I tell him I passed a major exam at work and still nothing. 

I never really know where I stand with him. He will make plans and then say he hasn't got time to do them. If I get mad or upset he just says tough, he has things to do. On occassion, he has given in and just gone ahead with our plans but then he throws them in my face at a later interval. We don't make many plans but when we do, it never involves a whole day together. He always has things to do. We don't go for meals, he doesn't go for drinks (but he will go for drinks with friends). 

I know he puts on a front with people. He will be nice infront of my friends but as soon as we are behind closed doors, the nastiness and sarcasm starts. If at challenge him about things he has done wrong, he will say I'm causing trouble and looking for excuses to argue. He will sit and grin whilst again, being sarcastic. 

He finds no problem picking my faults. He complains I'm always late. For example, a few months ago we had plans to meet. I told him I was running late as I was given a very much needed Dr's office app last minute. He said ok but as soon as we argue, he throws it in my face. ' I expected you here at 6. You arrived at 6.10', then persisted to lie down on the floor and say he was napping because he got tired waiting around. 

I'd like to add he uses fear and guilt a lot too. So he'll say that by causing trouble (which I don't, I merely ask why he isn't open with me, makes a big deal about things, doesn't want to spend time with me etc), I'm putting roots down in his head to make him think we are incompatible and he can do better and if I continue to go on, I'm watering those roots. He says 'I really hadn't ought do that for my own good. Being the good little rope jumper I am. I end up apologising and saying it won't happen again. He will make me suffer for a few days and then it seems OK again. 

Maybe I'm imagining it but this can't can't normal behaviour right? 

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He might have had another girlfriend. 

This happened to a dear friend of mine. She discovered after 2 years that her boyfriend had a whole other relationship. And that was the reason he'd kept her a secret for so long and why she'd never met any of his friends or family for 2 years. 

I think it's very unwise to continue this relationship, regardless of the reason he treats you this way. The point is that he doesn't value you and doesn't treat you the way a man in love would.

That's terrible. 

I'm not sure he does have another gf. His friends know about me and I have met some of them now. 

I do understand and value the last bit of your statement thought 😔

Just now, Stevie15 said:

I've been to his place and even stayed over so I'd know if he was. 

We've also been out locally so surely if he were, he wouldn't risk being seen?

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Are you sure, along with having proof that he's not married?

I've been to his place and even stayed over so I'd know if he was. 

9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You can break the cycle of anything by just stopping it. If you initiate contact regularly, don’t do it. If you see him twice a week usually, don’t see him. Don’t answer texts, don’t return phone calls. 

What’s the reasoning behind wanting to make this work? “But I love him” isn’t enough. You seem to think very little of yourself and are satisfied with very little. Reflect on why that is.

I 100% understand and acknowledge what you say and all I can really say is I wanted it to work because I genuinely do love him. It hurt me being apart from him and the love I had never left really hence why I saw him again in the first place. 

I'm not satisfied by any means but I feel if I address this, I'll lose him again. 

I genuinely don't know what to do, as silly as it sounds. I don't know if I'm experiencing fear of losing him or fear of having feelings of hurt again. 

It was a typo, my apologies.

I was answering questions asked is all. 

I don't know how or why I feel the way I do if I'm completely honest. Maybe I'm not even sure how I feel.

I suppose the fact he said he realised he still cared made me think that things would change. But how do you break a cycle of such strong emotion?

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's funny how you keep missing the point that you're complaining about all this then defending it.

If you enjoy lousy treatment, carry on.

No no not at all. 

I was just answering your questions.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Is he a drug dealer or involved in illegal activity? Sure seems like it, no?

This, among other things didn't register as a giant red flag 🚩?

You need to ask yourself why you put up with shabby treatment. 

He's not a drug dealer, alcohol abuser etc. Nothing illegal about him whatsoever. 

He's 43