Nayeem

These thoughts I might add can come and go like that-one minute I’ll be thinking my life great I’m happy and then the next something triggers this cascade of thinking about him and idealising scenarios in my head and it’s like a spiral and then the next day-back to normal. But it happens everyday.

I’ve posted on here many many times re: first love/ex boyfriend and I still can’t seem to shift my thoughts.

We were together from 14-21 on and off (but mostly on)—he was great until about 18 and then I was second priority to him, he did some pretty awful things and we would fight constantly with me wanting more from him-me always asking to be considered first in his life and him wanting to spend time with other people (including girls) over me. 

I’ve since married and had two kids but since settling down I can not shift this feeling of time running out and I’ve made the wrong decision (I had none of these doubts on my wedding day) this constant ruminating thought that my ex was meant for me. We ran into each other about 2 years ago now and I’m 100% positive the spark was still there. he’s since married and I feel like even seeing his wedding photos-there’s no spark in his eyes in them. I ended things and then he didn’t want me back and then he did and I’d already met my now husband. It’s just this cycle of day dreaming about him constantly, what our life could have/should have been. I even hate to admit that I look at my kids and think what kids with him would have been like….it’s awful.

I just feel like he and I would definitely be together if we both weren’t married. I daydream about all our times together and even revisit places we had been together just to get a bit of the feeling back. I just often think we have had our time apart, matured and what would life be like together now-it always brings me to tears and I just feel so sad about it all and the way it turned out.

I feel it in my gut he was my one and I’m scared I’ll forever be thinking about it until I die.

help…

Hi,

I was in a first love relationship from age 14-22 on/off. Things were great in beginning as they are as teenagers, then slowly faded and were issues focused mainly on him not making time for me, being excluded, me breaking up with him then wanting back in, cyclical nothing changing etc 

I met my now husband about 2 years later, we had a long distance relationship, then worked hard to get back to the same city. I had no doubts at all during this time he was the one I was meant to be with. Fast forward, wedding etc 2 children—I can specifically pin point after our first child together was when I started thinking of my first love—I’m not sure if I realised my situation was very very permanent (I have a tendency to run away from things) or whether it was a bit of PND, lack of empathy from my husband, loss of identity that has contributed to this—it seemed to dissipate when she turned about 2, however has now come back after 2nd baby with vengeance during covid lockdown. He is on my mind all day, I visit places and it’s him I think of, it’s him I think of being with wanting the life I have. What could have been with him? I ran into him last year by coincidence and my heart went crazy, I could hardly string a sentence together. It’s just cemented these thoughts even more so where it’s affecting me everyday-I feel upset, angry for leaving him. It’s affecting my mood everyday, I just want to run off and go meet him somewhere and tell him I miss him and still have feelings for him. I feel like deep down he felt the connection there still too. What do I do?! I love my husband, I can not fault him at all-will there always be something there with the ex? I’m craving the excitement I felt with my ex, I feel like now he is the one I’m supposed to be with, the one that got away- I feel like the more I try not to think about him, the more I do…

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its just a fantasy thing. You have "not so exciting" marriage and 2 kids. So you long for some excitment. In your case, an ex boyfriend with whom it was exciting. Like one of those suburb housewifes. Who married "safe" and then start to long poolboy because they need to derive "excitment" from somewhere. Because hubby doesnt give them that and is "boring" but some other guy would give them drama and it would be "fun".

It's not really a good mindset to have for marriage. It leads to extramarital affairs and such. You already started to meet your ex for coffee(totally innapropriate btw, wonder what would hubby say). What would happen if he would ask for more? Would you give in to fantasy? 

Marriages require work. So I would suggest to actually work on that. Why is your husband not exciting to you? Can it be worked on that? If the spark is gone can it be back? You should think more about that then indulging yourself in fantasies about some ex that you had drama club situations. 

Thanks for the response. Just to clarify I didn’t meet up intentionally-we literally both turned around a corner at a train station.I was on the phone to my husband asap telling him what had happened after… but I think you are spot on with your first paragraph.

13 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

You know what life would have been like … non-consential sex (ie. rape) and emotional abuse. You left him for a reason, remember?

Becoming a mum is very hard, you lose your identity as your self …. and if you are a stay-at-home mum (like I was in the early days), you are a dependent wife as well as a full-time mother, trying to keep everyone and everything ticking along. It’s easy to forget that you once had a very different life where you only had to think of yourself. It could be that you are missing aspects of your old life. Maybe you and your husband should make some time for each other (a date night for example). Maybe make some time to catch up with friends to feel your old self again. Getting yourself out of the home makes you appreciate what you have in the home instead of dreaming of a different life outside of it.

I did speak to a friend about this—she said it almost is like I’m dreaming up a life away from the monotony of motherhood and home life…I think this is spot on in some aspects..Thankyou.

4 minutes ago, East4 said:

What it could have been if you had satyed with your ex? More of the same: non-consensual sex, name calling and abuse. Why would you miss that? You did well to severe ties with your ex, but you made a mistake to marry your rebound after him. It seems to me that your current husband was your rebound after the demise of your abusive relationship.

Now you have two children and a good husband. You are a lucky woman. 

It would be helpful to explorer your longing for an unhealthy relationship with a therapist.

From where I stand and based on what you wrote, it is hard to understand that you might feel unfulfilled with a good husband and 2 children. Many women would love to have that, and  you should cherish what you have.

Yes I know it would be the same. I fantasise about the times we were younger before it went south…not the more recent years. He was a different person. And I can go days without thinking of him (when I’m kept busy/at work etc) so I know it’s very situational…but still.

Yes sorry I have re edited-I actually met my now husband 2 years later…I don’t think it was a rebound…I had a lot of stuff to work through! 

I originally joined this forum around 10-12 years ago—in a first love/high school sweetheart relationship that went south. We were together from 2004-2012 and the last 3 years were pretty awful. I ended up breaking it off after several incidences involving non consenting s*x, name calling, being left out of things he would organise, anger issues, just a general disinterest in me, never came first, but he was sure we would marry etc and was devastated. I met someone 2 years later—head over heels, got married a couple of years later, and now have 2 kids. Since having the babies-I can not stop fantasising about my ex boyfriend. And to make matters worse I recently ran into him (accidentally, totally random and in a very unlikely place) and had a 30 min coffee/catch up which was super friendly and normal. I still can’t stop thinking about what could have been—I dream about meeting up, thinking of the life I could have had with him, go over imaginary conversations….think about our time together…It’s especially prevalent on days when I’m by myself with the kids. Now, my husband is great-great Dad, very supportive, loving—I just feel like there was something with the ex that’s not with him….the spark (or is it the drama?) He’s getting married soon and I just feel so.sad about it all. Like it’s my fault I let go of it….I feel like I’m going crazy—what to do??