Scottr080

Yeah, I was the weak one in this situation. I spoke with her yesterday - and decided it was time to finally call it off completely. She took it well enough. I feel more at peace with it now than I ever had in the past. I think I'm finally on the road to getting on with my life. Thanks for the input.

Luckily, she's not the sort of person to try and get a hold of me at any cost. She respects requests of no contact. I was the one who reached out to her this last time. It's on me. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know what needs to be done, and I know I'll look back on this one day and just sigh a little bit.

Yeah, I thought I was out, and then I had a relapse of sorts. I'll add it to the list of things to examine. I feel guilty that I didn't explore every avenue to try and make it work out, but maybe that's alright.

I have a question that I'm sort of confused about - would appreciate any advice/perspective. For background context - I've (32M) been dating this woman (35F) for a year, and we've recently broken up. More precisely, I left the relationship. There were several reasons for this, but the main one, was that I felt that she was very controlling. A lot of these control issues, I feel, are due to unresolved PTSD/trauma issues from overcoming cancer a few years ago. She has a major amount of anxiety issues, and I think that went a long way in making the relationship very uncomfortable and frankly, hostile at times. After about a month of no contact, we started talking again, and we're kicking around the idea of trying to make it work. After a lot of thinking on it, I've decided that the only way I would be comfortable resuming the relationship again, was if she sought out counseling/therapy to try and resolve some of these issues. The reason why this is important to me, is because I, myself, actually recently entered therapy to work on my own issues, one of them being my timid, pushover nature, along with my inability to set boundaries. The dynamic of our relationship was that she would be bossy/demanding, and because I (apparently) have abandonment issues, I just sort of went along with her requests to a point where I was being swallowed up by the relationship. I feel like if I'm going to be putting in a lot of work on my end to hopefully improve my issues, I would want her to grow with me, because if I come out on the other end of this as a different person with a different perspective, it wouldn't work unless she was working on changing her behavior as well. Now for the advice: should I even bother? The last thing I feel comfortable doing, is suggesting to someone that they need therapy, and even worse, making that a condition for our relationship. I would hope that she would agree with me, but it's probably not likely. She's mentioned in the past that she knows she has issues to work through, but that's where that conversation ended. I can't see this relationship working out if she doesn't change her perspective, but I also don't think you can make someone go to therapy against their will, from an attitude standpoint. Wouldn't that breed resentment if someone went to therapy solely because their partner asked them to? Half of me feels like this isn't even worth doing, and that I should just let her, and the relationship be. She's amazing in so many ways, but the way she shows up in a relationship right now, I can't do it. I'm also concerned about how much I would hurt her feelings to tell her this. I can't imagine it going over well. I'm even more anxious about this than I was about the initial break up conversation. Should I just chalk it up to life experience, and separate myself from the relationship to work on myself? I'm obviously no mental health expert, so I'm uncomfortable broaching this topic at all, but it's the only thing I could think of to try and salvage the relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Nah, not in terms of looks. If I'm being honest, I find her attractive, but that's the last way I'd describe her to someone. I've actually been thinking a lot about this, since reading all of the comments to my original post. I guess why I found her to be a great catch, was because she's disciplined, has a great connection with her family (minus her dad), has been through some really life threatening stuff before I met her, and came out the other side, stronger. She didn't want kids, wanted to stay in my home state, has the same strict diet as me, didn't dink, etc, etc. The more I think about it, I think it is true that I was conflating box checking with compatibility. I've dated a good number of women as an adult, and I always felt like the only one who had their *** together, so I guess when I finally met someone who came off like a real-ass adult who had their *** together, it was very intriguing to me. And then of course, and this has been the hardest thing about calling the relationship off - I really felt like she loved me deeply, was dedicated, and only had my best interest in mind. Since I've been (over)analyzing our time together, I'm starting to doubt how much of the stuff that she did for me, was really for me, or just a means of control. I can't trust my judgement right now, so I may be in the wrong to even think that. I dunno. I think you're on to something with that- yeah. I was just coming up on a year of sobriety (alcohol), lost ~80 lbs in that time, and was (and still am) very health-focused, so when I met her at what felt like the perfect time in my life, I may have been so wrapped up in her being just what I thought I needed. She was going in the direction I wanted to be headed in.

Yeah. You're right.

So, for an update - after I wrote my last post, I ended up going back to the apartment to talk some more stuff through, and start to get some of my stuff, and, well, I did the vulnerable thing, and I ended up backpedaling and deciding that we would try to start the relationship over again from square one. Meaning, I go back to my old apartment, she stays in hers, and we sort of build up our relationship again, but this time, we try it with more of an understanding of what I want to do, meaning... whatever that means. At the time, she told me to pick what I wanted to do, on the spot - either we try again, or we just cut it off. We sat on the couch for 10 minutes and she watched me squirm and run through my scenarios in my head. I decided to keep going with the relationship, but since I've had all night to mull it over, I think that was a bad idea. She said something that didn't sit well with me, and it didn't really hit me until a few hours ago.. but she basically told me that there aren't any adult women out there with any level of emotional maturity, who would think that my sense of humor is funny. That, "that's what your boys are for." So, I guess her solution to my sense of humor was... to go somewhere else if I want to be that way. She also told me "not to toot my own horn", but that I wouldn't find someone else like her - in regards to how she treats me. Basically, that she's as good as it'll get. It's funny, I was feeling that exact same way, and have felt the same way for pretty much our entire relationship - like I hit the jackpot in regards of punching above my weight, so I didn't disagree with her... but, with the clarity of a night's sleep, I don't see how that's anything but textbook emotional manipulation. She knows I already have self-esteem issues, so that hits me at my core. I guess I should go back today and tell her I just need time to myself.

Well, I did it. I sat her down a few hours ago and told her that I don't think we should live together. It was not a fun conversation to have, at all. I feel sad and sick and like I'm not going to find someone to settle down with at this age... But, I know that's most likely not true, and I do believe that I'll find someone else again, down the line.. but boy, does this hurt. My friends and family are relieved for me, however... She's trying to keep the possibility of still making it work on the table, but I don't know... I sort of feel like deciding not to live together, is the beginning of the end of the relationship. I don't think these are issues that can be overcome overnight.

Thank you, I have to remember this. I guess I forget this sometimes, and conflate success with compatibility. I was thinking about it, and through talking with friends and family about this, I've realized that I don't even think we'd be friends if we weren't dating. Yeah... I have a hard time with this. The gut feeling is strong, but I view myself as someone who self-sabotages when things are going well, so of course, I've been second guessing whether or not me going is justified. I guess the question to the answer of "are you happy?" would be "no", and that should be all the justification I need. I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy, but that's way beyond the scope of the original post. Thanks again.

Well, she's a very compassionate and caring person, and she's very hardworking and smart. I respect her an awful lot, and I can look to her for advice. This is the closest thing to what I imagine "love" feels like, but is it really love if it's conditional? That's one thing that's throwing me for a loop. We tell each other that we love each other, and I never say it without meaning it, so I'm wondering how much of this is me not willing to grow up and have an adult relationship, and how much if it are issues that may be reasonable deal breakers...

I've (M31) been dating my girlfriend (F35) for around one year now, and we just recently moved in together. Personally I thought it was a little too soon, but she was really pushing for it, so I gave in at some point along the way. Anyway, we've been living together for 2 weeks now, and I don't know if this living situation, or even relationship, is cut out for me. First, for the bad - For starters, I've been feeling like she's been slowly separating me from my friends and family over this past year. Due to a recent traumatic health issue, she's still very concerned about COVID - to the point where she doesn't want me gathering with friends or family over ~3 people, without grilling me on their vaccination status. I understand the sentiment, but we never know when this will go away (if ever), so I feel like it's strongly encouraged that I don't spend time with them. It's to the point where both my friends and family ask me if I'm sure I'm OK, when they do see me, because I went from seeing them at least once per week, to once every few months. Every time I do happen to see them, I feel this countdown clock in my head of when I need to go back, and it stresses me out. I'm not asking to go to concerts and festivals unmasked - just to see my people every now and again. She's a very typical Type A personality, so she's definitely what people would consider "bossy", whereas I'm a B type personality, so I feel like sometimes I get trampled by her pushiness. According to her doctor, she's not immunocompromised anymore, so it's not like we have to worry about it on that level. I understand that there are levels of PTSD she should be working through with a therapist, but from our conversations, she's still a ways away from that point. Additionally, she's Monk (the TV character) levels of germaphobe, to the point where I spend most of my time around her nervous that she'll scold me if I rub my eyes with my hands after touching a surface, or god forbid bring clothes worn from that day, into the bedroom. But I think worst of all, is that I don't feel like I can truly be myself. I'm usually joking around, it's my nature, but she's extremely superstitious (and in my opinion, hardly has a sense of humor), to the point where I often find myself just suppressing what I want to say, because if I mention anything that she views as putting bad energy out there, she tells me to stop talking about it. Every single one of my jokes is met with an audible sigh and eye roll. One of my greatest joys in life is making people laugh, and she just can't be bothered by it... She also thinks most of my and my friends' hobbies are ridiculous. It's things like video games, anime, etc. But we're all productive members of society, so I don't see why she can't just let it go. If I sit down and play video games for more than 20 minutes, she'll comment on it, saying something like "wow, you really do like to play games, huh," meanwhile she'll scroll on her phone for half an hour like it's no big deal. Now for the good - On all of the long-term stuff, we're very well aligned with each other. We both don't want kids, we're both in agreement about lifestyle choices in regards to diet, exercise, drinking, and she's genuinely a great catch. We're both in a certain point in our careers where we're not well off, but we're not worried about how we're going to pay our bills. I truly do love her, and out of all the women I've ever been with, she's the one that I feel is the best choice for a lifelong partner, but some of the personality differences have me feeling stifled and sort of just sometimes wishing I could hit the rewind button and find someone who's more aligned with my hobbies, more relaxed, and understands that my time with friends and family is also very important. She openly acknowledges how difficult living with her can be, so it's not like that's not out in the open. I also want to mention that I STILL have the lease on my old apartment for a month, and I can still decide that I don't want to do this, and at least go back to living on my own without too much hassle (from a logistical standpoint - she can afford this current apartment on her own if it came to that). TL;DR: Living with girlfriend who is checks all of the boxes for what I want in a long-term relationship, but it's coming at the cost of my other personal relationships, and I feel is eroding my personality. I just feel like I'm playing a version of who she wants me to be. I genuinely can't tell if this is just how an adult relationship is supposed to work, where you both stick it out and learn to accept each others' quirks, or if we're a bad fit that won't be good in the long-term. Sorry if it's a bit scattershot. This was way more difficult to convey succinctly than I thought it would be. Advice greatly appreciated.

To make a long story short, I just got in a huge, question the relationship-level argument with my girlfriend. I feel like I was put in a no-win situation, and I snapped verbally. We're flying across the country next month for a friend's wedding, and we're sitting together, naturally. Yesterday, she mentioned that she may want to upgrade to a better seat for more money, at the cost of a few extra hundred dollars. I'm the best man in the wedding, and already spending an assload of money on the trip, so I'm not really in the position to spend ~$400 on an upgraded seat. I made this point clear to my girlfriend when we booked the tickets. Cut to a few hours ago, and I get a text: "Wondering how upset you'd be if I chose to fly business class." To which I responded: "I wouldn't be upset at all. If you really wanted to do it, then you should." That's how I really felt. When she called a short time later, I told her, it's just a flight. That she may feel it's worth the money, but I don't feel it's worth the cost, especially since I usually sleep on 5-hour flights. When I told her this on the phone, her entire tone changed. Turns out that she was actually upset that I said I was probably going to sleep on the flight, and that this is her first flight in 5 years, and she thought we could do it together. I snapped at her. I didn't yell. I very sharply, quietly, and nastily said "Hey, listen to me, what do you actually want to do? Sit with me, don't sit with me. Whatever." And then we proceeded to argue for the next 30 minutes. She was completely taken aback and appalled with how I snapped at her. She doesn't have anyone in her life that raises their voice at her, and she felt spoken down to and disrespected. Turns out, she was hoping that I would somehow just cave in and spend the extra money on the seat, or, to tell her that I actually really wanted her to sit with me in coach instead. I told her that I felt like she was trapping me in a situation where either answer I gave would have been wrong. I already made it clear that I wasn't spending money on the extra seat. I told her that I may be sleeping because I did't want her to worry about how I would feel, because honestly, I'm indifferent. Before long, the entire argument became about how she didn't know if she could be with someone who could just snap and change their tone on her so quickly. That made me actually want to yell at her. How is someone supposed to react when they were literally going out of their way to make the other person feel comfortable and free to do what they want, but then made to feel bad for just trying to let the other person do what they wanted. Eventually, it didn't even matter that I felt completely trapped in a question that was asked solely to elicit a specific answer. All that mattered ultimately was that I snapped at her, and I was somehow supposed to find a way to be upset, but to calmly explain my position. I can't be upset? I can't have a visceral reaction to being told that either of my answers would have made her upset? How on Earth am I the *** for telling her I may just be sleeping on a flight where SHE WANTS TO SIT APART on?? Of course I could have reacted better, I'm not blameless, but how was I supposed to handle it? She basically told me that sometimes women need to be told certain things. Why do I have to get caught up in these ridiculous petty mind games? Does this just come with the territory? She's one of the most mature people I know, and I've been in a number of relationships by now, but when she reverts to these weird cat and mouse emotional games, am I just supposed to roll with them? Am I ever supposed to learn to deal with this? I eventually apologized and made my point of view clear, but she ultimately said that she has to think about what life is going to be like with me after talking to her like that, and that maybe she doesn't even want to go on the trip anymore. For last bit of context: M31/F35, together for about a year. I genuinely do lover her, and I feel like our relationship is pretty strong and healthy, but maybe it isn't, if me changing my tone and getting upset for a second, makes her rethink the whole relationship. I really want her to just do what she feels like doing, so when that's not a good enough answer, what the *** is? Sorry for the disorganized and meandering post. I just needed to get it off my chest and out, somewhere.