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Lily4

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Posts posted by Lily4

  1. On 2/7/2022 at 6:45 AM, Batya33 said:

    You don't do activity to better yourself -it's to regain perspective.  It's not overwhelming because you do it in baby steps.  Look up Martha Beck books and articles. 

    How about indulging -because it is indulging -in the pity party five minutes a day where you can do all the self loathing you want.  Be in your negative comfort zone.  We all have low points for various reasons. It's how you choose to react (tool box I suggested).  Then when the timer goes off after five minutes -no more pity party.  

    If you're so self-absorbed in your self loathing you're not going to be able to be present for your partner. Love is much more about giving than a feeling and you give from a desire to give, from being inspired to give.  One reason for that inspiration is you want your partner to feel good about himself the way you feel good about yourself. 

    My son sees me making him wait for non-emergency requests or something he "has to tell me" if I've just sat down with my coffee and breakfast (after making his!).  I show him how I take care of myself -I take a couple of minutes to eat normally, have my coffee -right then talking or getting up to do yet something else is not ok with me. 

    Seems like I'm being a bad mom to some -right -shouldn't I jump every time he "needs" something?  No.  He sees someone who takes care of herself too. That engenders respect.  I am giving to him because I am giving him space to also say "not now mom, I'm (fill in taking care of ones needs)" - otherwise your boyfriend will see you seeking his approval, acting self-deprecating and be turned off -because he'll feel like he has to jump for you too - it's a turn off when people are doormats. Self loathing leads to that.

    Same for you -if your new boyfriend sees you regarding yourself negatively, being in the doldrums, being self-deprecating (even though he doesn't know "why") - he won't be inspired to treat you with respect, to give to you - he'll see you trying to please him too much -to overcompensate for you not being "good enough" or "deserving".  It's all a balance- not black and white/set in stone -but the balance is easier if you're reasonably secure in yourself.  

    Hello , I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you sooner but I’ve really been thinking a lot about my situation and what you said and some things are becoming a bit more clear to me about what I did in the past . 
    I still feel awful about it but it’s something I did in the past and I’ve been thinking of how much worse it could have been . I can’t imagine if we actually tried to have a relationship that would have eventually led to sex and so much wrong that it makes me happy to know that none of that ever happened and that I put an end to it before it got that far . It’s something that I wish I never allowed and I wish I had stopped before it even started but I’m able to look at the positive sides to and not just beat myself down and want to hate myself.. I do care for myself.. I’m working being able to live myself as well because I’ve in my current relationship that it’s not easy to love others when we can’t love ourselves.. but I just want to thank you for this advice and helping not become depressed and miserable over this . Thank you so much 

    i almost can’t thank you enough 

  2. 7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    Of course it's hard.  Most people have a hard time handling a mistake they made. Lots of people have to do lots of hard stuff -do not just try.

    I'm a fan of redirecting. Feel what you feel and choose your reaction.  Figure out what tools and rituals and mantras work for you - build a sort of tool box of these resources.  For example, 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it).  Do you do cardio exercise? How much? What type? I would do at least 20-30 minutes of intense cardio a day - or at least 5 times a week -it's amazing how moving your body can change your perspective. 

    When you "feel" guilty notice your feelings (notice - not reacting or having a pity party) and keep on moving and have those tools ready -maybe it's angry cleaning if not 4-7-8 breathing.  Maybe it's drinking water.  Keep your body hydrated, moving, and keep sticking to goals -small and larger -whether it's work or housework or exercise.  Show yourself through your actions you take care of your health and that you are a reliable person of character and integrity -through actions not just positive affirmations.


    this all sounds overwhelming but I think you are right . I’m not practicing any of the following things you mentioned and it’s not to my benefit 

    I get so lost in self loathing that I want to just let myself go as a human being 

    but that’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to be I know I can’t beat myself up over forever when I truly think about but it’s so hard to get out of the dark place it puts me in 

    some days I’m able to feel like I’ve forever myself but as soon as I get to a point where things might be looking good for me it comes back and reminds me that I’m not good enough for anything positive to happen for me . So sometimes I’d rather just accept that it’s the way things are now and I have to live like this forever..

    sorry if I’m rambling but I thought you may like to know my thoughts and feelings during my low points .

    but I’m going to take your advice and start activity trying to better myself 

    thank you ❤️

  3. 3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    How is it that you broke the bond of marriage? Only a married person can do that.  You participated in and knew he was doing that.  Do you often exaggerate your 

    3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    How is it that you broke the bond of marriage? Only a married person can do that.  You participated in and knew he was doing that.  Do you often exaggerate your mistakes? 

    Ok .. I’ll try to stop guilting myself for this mistake but it’s really hard for me .
    do you have any suggestions on how I should move forward? . I’ll try my best to put your advice into practice. 

  4. 4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

    I would respect your BF as an independent keeper of his own life, and apply the same respect to yourself.

    BF is not a diary or a priest or a therapist. Laying a confession on him would be misdirected, and what would you expect him to DO with that information--expect for feel lousy? And how would that 'help' you?

    Therapists are trained to help people work through their own stuff. I'd consider hiring one and doing the work, first, and THEN decide whether sabotaging your relationship is in any way wise or 'helpful' to either of 

    4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

    I would respect your BF as an independent keeper of his own life, and apply the same respect to yourself.

    BF is not a diary or a priest or a therapist. Laying a confession on him would be misdirected, and what would you expect him to DO with that information--expect for feel lousy? And how would that 'help' you?

    Therapists are trained to help people work through their own stuff. I'd consider hiring one and doing the work, first, and THEN decide whether sabotaging your relationship is in any way wise or 'helpful' to either of you.

     

    I guess you are right because I know deep in my heart that I am not that type of person anymore and to be honest I never really was I just made a really bad and wrong choice because I am really against breaking the bond of marriage but somehow I almost found myself doing it . If I could change one thing in my life it would be that and I’m really sorry for doing it . 

  5. On 2/4/2022 at 7:02 PM, SherrySher said:

    Are you still thinking it's a good idea to get involved with a married man? Have you learnt something from that experience where you no longer think the same or would make the same mistakes?

    Did you damage someone and yourself so badly that it's going to cause massive problems now and in the future?

    Because of that experience, will you be toxic towards your current boyfriend? Does he need to be warned about you potentially getting together with married men?

    Will what happened with the married man affect your future?

    If you can answer all of those truthfully.... why the heck do you feel the need to tell him?

    You made a mistake, you learnt from it. You're a better person now which is why you're with your current boyfriend.

    Don't drudge up past garbage just for the sake of it, it makes absolutely no sense.

    You’re right I am deeply sorry for what I did and I will never do it again. I’ve learned that what we did was wrong 

    and I don’t think it would ever be ok to get involved with a married man under any circumstances at all whatsoever 

    I’ll try to let this go ..

    thank you I do appreciate your help 

    • Like 1
  6. On 2/3/2022 at 3:25 AM, Rose Mosse said:

    The married man is the past so leave it in the past. It has nothing to do with your current relationship. 

    Don’t self-sabotage please. Seek therapy or counselling if available to you and figure out what this is really about. Are you religious? You seem to be reliving your past over and over perhaps because of some strong moral standard imposed. You made a mistake and are remorseful for that time you were involved with a married person. You declined sex or a relationship with him. Be proud of yourself for that. Count yourself older/wiser now and move forward.

    Are you happy with your current relationship or is it dull or unfulfilling? 

    I’m very happy with my boyfriend he’s who I would consider my future husband and kids with 

    but when I think about what I did and knowingly did I just think about it I deserve all that with him you know ?

  7. 6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

    So why hurt HIM if you feel this way? I don't understand why, if you feel bad about the poor decisions you made in the past, you want to punish your current boyfriend.

    Does that make sense? 

    If you don't think you deserve him then kindly break up with him. Don't hurt him by telling him about your past.

    I think you’re completely right . The last thing I would ever do to him is hurt him especially not intentionally so this may be for the best . Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it 

  8. 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

    So you are still so hung up on this married lover that it defines who you are?

    Perhaps you are still seeing your BF as a rebound and substitute for the married lover you want but can't have. This is what it sounds like you're trying to tell your BF.

    Otherwise you have put this behind you a long long time ago.

     

    I did put it behind me . Or so I thought 

    it happened 2 years ago but for some reason I’m getting the feeling that he should know . And in my opinion it’s because our relationship is getting more serious and I just want him to accept that I made this mistake. 
    im not sure if that makes sense to you or not but it’s how I feel 

  9. 1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

    I never did either. All you have to do is see your regular doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. It should be covered by your insurance.

    You didn't answer any of my other questions. Do you think you're a terrible person? Do you think you are undeserving of a nice boyfriend? 

    Oh I apologize for that . I would say that at times a feel really terrible about what I have done and it makes me think badly of myself but I try not to beat myself up too much but the guilt it’s too much . And answer your second question no I don’t feel I deserve a nice boyfriend like I have now but the other part of me loves him and doesn’t want to lose him . 

  10. 26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    Quoting myself because I'm curious to know the answers to these questions.

     

    What do you mean by "someone like me"? What are you "like"?

    Guilt and shame can be dealt with by working with a therapist, rather than by dumping it on your boyfriend who is probably a pretty nice guy.

    Well I guess what I mean to say is someone who did what I did . 
    and the reason I’m kinda hesitant for therapy because I’ve never gone to one in my life so I’m not sure which route I should take 

  11. 12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

    How long have you been dating? Don't burden your BF with your guilt. 

    Sort this out with a qualified therapist. You still seem hung up on the married lover.

    People make mistakes, that's ok. It's over now. Move forward and don't make this relationship about that relationship.

    We’ve been together for a little over a year now and I did meet my boyfriend about 3 months after the married man 

    I’m really trying to put it past me but I feel like he should have the option to leave or stay with someone like me . 

  12. 13 hours ago, East4 said:

    Self-flagellation serves no purpose. Making mistakes is part of our human nature and the rectification of mistakes makes us grow as human beings. 

    You made a mistake with this married guy, because you formed an emotional attachment with him. This is human. Finally you had the strength to sever ties with him, and this is good. Overall, you grew as a person from this experience. While growth feels unplesant while it is happening, few years from now, when confronted with a temptation, you will know better and act better. And then you will be thankful of the difficult experience you had. 

    It is time to quit agonising about the past, that was a lesson; your boyfriend  needs not to know about your lesson, it is part of your secret garden.

    Enjoy the relationship with your boyfriend, and please be more accepting of your past mistakes. You corrected it, this is what matters. You need not continue blaming yourself.

    It really was the worst mistake of my whole entire life and I will never ever do anything even close to that again and I know this in my heart .

    but I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with I think it should be his choice to stay with someone who did the things I did or to leave me .  You know ? 

  13. Hello everyone,

    So as the title say I was having an affair with a married man with kids 

    When we met I did not know he was married.

    We exchanged numbers and began talking and such nothing much at first but I did like him as more than a friend before I gave my number to him shortly after he told me that he was married and at that point I should have just backed away but I thought I could keep the relationship plutonic because I did enjoy our talks but now that I look back at it even that would have been terribly wrong in itself but sadly I continued our relationship as friends but a while later he told me that he liked me as more than a friend I really didn’t know how to take this because I did want more than a friendship with him but he was already in a committed relationship with kids so I just left it on that note and after a while he was starting to not contact me as much so I eventually told him how I felt out of fear of losing what I thought we had so 

    A while after that our conversations became inappropriate but I was in something with him but I know now that it wasn’t love or anything close to it but unfortunately this relationship continued 

    He’d start to tell me that he didn’t love his wife and he didn’t feel the same way about her as he did for me this made me even more hesitant to leave because I thought he loved me and wanted to be with me ..

    It started as him asking me if we could hug 

    I told him no and that it was not something I could do but he asked more and more until I eventually said yes so we hugged 

    And it felt wrong but it was just a hug and it was only supposed to be that one time but it was not the last time

    We hugged again after that and he was more touchy this time I can’t say that I didn’t want him to but I stopped him from me too much because I was trying to resist  it going any further than a hug ,

    The last time we did hug it became I little more than a hug I let him touch my body this time .... I gave in unfortunately and  that was close to the last time we saw each other but we did stay in contact because it was hard for me to let go at first

    He tried to invite me out like to a hotel but I just couldn’t do that so I told him that we should not talk anymore and I blocked him . But I started to miss him so I unblocked him and told him that I missed him and we just talked for a little while but then it led back to him asking me to come over to his house because his wife was on vacation.. I said no and I couldn’t do that to her or his family it was then I realized that he was not mine and was never going to be because I could not break his family.. he told me that it was not the first time he cheated and that almost made me think that it may be ok if we did have a relationship . But I still couldn’t go through with it and this time I blocked him for good and we have not talked since..

     

    Shortly that after I met my current boyfriend and he makes me so happy and I know what it’s like to be truly loved and to love someone he’s everything to me . 

    But I can’t be happy with him knowing what I did in the past and who I was .. 

     

    This was my first relationship ever and I hate that I was based around lies and secrets and hiding.. 

     

     and again I don’t want to try to sugarcoat this in any way  I am very ashamed of this it was very wrong and it is something that really deeply regret and cry and hurt over it should have never happened i feel just awful about everything and I feel like don’t deserve to have a good relationship with my boyfriend and I don’t deserve to be loved by him or to love him . But the truth is I do love him with all my heart and because I love him I feel I need to tell him but at the same time I don’t want to lose him . How do I approach this with him ? I really need some help with this . 

    Please and thank you all 

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