Laspie22

This was something that I have had on my mind for a while. Doing that means I can help contribute to saving children's lives from being destroyed. I have already made donations to the NCMEC child protection charity, THORN and the Child Rescue Coalition. As a hobby perhaps research software or algorithms that can help put a stop to this social evil when time allows. The exception would be anything that requires me to see CSEM. I lost that option years ago by going against my core values. I have seen a hypnotherapist and two psychologists. It has helped get me out of a really dark and depressive mindset last year and allowed me to detach from the memories. But this cuts deep so you're right It will take a lot to heal this massive scar. I'm not sure what you meant by a therapist who specialises in this area though. The strong emotions that have arisen from the memory of what I did all those years ago and the trust and pessimism it is made me think of humanity as a whole had consumed me. I became sexually promiscuous, looking for hookups with women at adult bookstores, using psychedelics to cope (substance abuse?) and hanging around toxic individuals who are angry also. Professionals have helped me stop all of this. I'm in the process if redirecting all of this, even though the process is painstakingly slow and I fall sometimes.

You are right about that. The anger, sadness, disgust and distress, they just flare up out of nowhere. My mind wonders to that moment in time and those feelings of anger, and being dirty arise. I imagine a future where I get into a relationship and explain this and it gets triggered. I question myself 24/7. The second paragraph does make sense. In the case of others actions, they are responsible for making them. But it really sucks that stuff like that happens.

I did exactly that. I do not visit those sick websites and haven't since May 2017. When I think about the twisted individuals that use CSEM/CP websites and I just feel utter disgust and anger towards their existence. I despise people like that on a personal level. Since then I have viewed adult imagery and only such imagery featuring adults about 2000 times. What do you mean by much of this is out of control? I am not sure what you meant by that. Edit: Apologies if I am coming off as hostile, it's just that I'm mentally exhausted about this having this memory replay in my head all the time.

I can name a few. At 18, I divulged this information to the autism pediatrician I was seeing at the time. At 21, It was someone who recommended me to EMDR therapy and who dealt with trauma and sexual issues/addictions. This year is was the stopit now organisations (both uk and america) and a hypnotherapist/doctor. This being done to try and process intense anger, fear and sadness. Turning into cold rage at the 'people' who make such horrible things available.

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I need help! Serious help! This is something that has been on my mind constantly for five years. It stems from my mid-teens. I am 22 now and I am horrified about my past. Since the incident at 17, I never done something like that since. Around 13 I had discovered pornography on tube sites. I had standard fantasies about female peers at school from then on. Between 15-17, things took a horrific turn. Along with sexual fantasies about students in my grade, I had a few periods where I had sickening fantasies of prepubescent children that would last for a couple of months at a time. At 15, the deviant thinking consisted with viewing drawn child sexual exploitation imagery on google for 2-3 months along with disturbing thoughts. When I was 16, it was stories depicting child sexual abuse for 3 months. I stumbled across actual CSEM on instagram. Although I reported the disgusting accounts to NCMEC, I still masturbated to those depraved images. That went on for 2 days. At 17, it was visiting a couple of CSEM websites on the dark-web. That tapered off after a month and came to a halt after 3 1/2. I want to die after having seen such evil disturbing imagery. Those were CHILDREN who were exploited, abused and now have to live with the knowledge that there are predators out there who have enjoyed their trauma. Whilst I never downloaded anything let alone possessed/bought any of that filth, even the mere visit to such websites adds hits and page views which supports thus heinous stuff. I have those memories still and I can't unsee it. I wan't to claw my eyes out and forget this stuff even exists. I want to do graphic violent things to anyone who finds a child sexually attractive. I can't trust anyone anymore. After seeing how prevalent this is, I am paranoid that every male I come across is attracted to that disturbing filth. I have been told to let it go by my family and professionals, but I can't fathom being such a hideous monster. It's hopeless. Those children will never be able to move on. That's the primary cause of despair. I will never be able to date or have a relationship ever again if someone knew what horrible thing I did. I can never forgive myself and will never be happy again after seeing something that disturbing. The masturbation to it was horrific. I am worse than scum. I would rather have killed someone than this - that's how messed up it is. EDIT 1: It took a lot of effort not to curse and swear. This is an extremely emotional subject. 5 years feels like yesterday.