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I need help! Serious help! This is something that has been on my mind constantly for five years. It stems from my mid-teens. I am 22 now and I am horrified about my past. Since the incident at 17, I never done something like that since. Around 13 I had discovered pornography on tube sites. I had standard fantasies about female peers at school from then on. Between 15-17, things took a horrific turn. Along with sexual fantasies about students in my grade, I had a few periods where I had sickening fantasies of prepubescent children that would last for a couple of months at a time. At 15, the deviant thinking consisted with viewing drawn child sexual exploitation imagery on google for 2-3 months along with disturbing thoughts. When I was 16, it was stories depicting child sexual abuse for 3 months. I stumbled across actual CSEM on instagram. Although I reported the disgusting accounts to NCMEC, I still masturbated to those depraved images. That went on for 2 days. At 17, it was visiting a couple of CSEM websites on the dark-web. That tapered off after a month and came to a halt after 3 1/2. I want to die after having seen such evil disturbing imagery. Those were CHILDREN who were exploited, abused and now have to live with the knowledge that there are predators out there who have enjoyed their trauma. Whilst I never downloaded anything let alone possessed/bought any of that filth, even the mere visit to such websites adds hits and page views which supports thus heinous stuff. I have those memories still and I can't unsee it. I wan't to claw my eyes out and forget this stuff even exists. I want to do graphic violent things to anyone who finds a child sexually attractive. I can't trust anyone anymore. After seeing how prevalent this is, I am paranoid that every male I come across is attracted to that disturbing filth. I have been told to let it go by my family and professionals, but I can't fathom being such a hideous monster. It's hopeless. Those children will never be able to move on. That's the primary cause of despair. I will never be able to date or have a relationship ever again if someone knew what horrible thing I did. I can never forgive myself and will never be happy again after seeing something that disturbing. The masturbation to it was horrific. I am worse than scum. I would rather have killed someone than this - that's how messed up it is. EDIT 1: It took a lot of effort not to curse and swear. This is an extremely emotional subject. 5 years feels like yesterday.
When my boyfriend and I first met I picked up his phone and there was a text from a woman that said " I love our little guy" I didn't think much of it at the time, but I remembered her name. I had asked him before if he had any kids and he always said no. There are no pictures of kids on his social media or anywhere up in his apartment. One night though, I did jokingly ask him again if he had kids and he said 'yeah' but we were both a little drunk and it was super late so I honestly thought he was joking. Last weekend my boyfriend was sitting on my lap and he opened facebook on his phone I noticed this same girl's name as a recent search. I'm not typically a jealous person, but because she had come up once before I decided to be nosey and search for her on facebook. She has very few public pictures, but one in particular stood out to me - a picture of a baby boy. I noticed that he loved the picture which didn't bother me at first because if this woman is/was his friend he's probably met her children at some point. I couldn't stop thinking about this picture though so I went back and this time I scrolled through the likes and noticed that his mom loved the picture as well. This threw me for a loop. If this is just some woman he's friends with why is his mom friends with her? Looking at the picture more intently this baby actually does look quite a bit like him and it makes sense as to why she would send him that text. I have always bee very adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids, but I do love my boyfriend. I honestly don't know how to react or how to bring it up. Any advice on how to handle this is much appreciated.