Messyandstressy

8 hours ago, Messyandstressy said:

My dad is a malignant narcissist.. I’ve self harmed since the 6th grade (I’m 22 now) and back then my counselor called my dad and stepmom (mom is a meth addict) and he yelled and grit his teeth at me and told me I make him look bad. I have a long history of abuse and it led to a lot of my anxiety. Sometimes I feel myself dissociating when I get stressed and then I get manic and start absolutely panicking and the only thing that calms me down is slitting my wrist. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for my much younger siblings that need me to be strong for them. I feel alone, I don’t have anyone who understands that pain I feel. My therapist stopped accepting insurance and he charges a lot of money. It sucks I don’t have my dad to turn to because he makes everything about him.. everything is everyone else’s fault. He can never do any wrong, and nothing that has anything to do with me is important unless it serves him. I want to talk to my mom she sounds clean now. But i don’t know if I can forgive her after everything I went through with her. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for my siblings because man I do not want to be on this earth anymore 

I do have a primary care. And I have been put on meds. But you’re right I did come off of it. I was on if for the full 6 weeks trial period and it messed me up so bad I fell asleep merging into the highway. Kind of traumatized me. I recently moved in with my stepmom who recently left my dad because I was having relationship issues.. and I also work from home, so I don’t get out a lot. But that’s mostly because every time I leave I have massive anxiety and I can’t do it 

My dad is a malignant narcissist.. I’ve self harmed since the 6th grade (I’m 22 now) and back then my counselor called my dad and stepmom (mom is a meth addict) and he yelled and grit his teeth at me and told me I make him look bad. I have a long history of abuse and it led to a lot of my anxiety. Sometimes I feel myself dissociating when I get stressed and then I get manic and start absolutely panicking and the only thing that calms me down is slitting my wrist. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for my much younger siblings that need me to be strong for them. I feel alone, I don’t have anyone who understands that pain I feel. My therapist stopped accepting insurance and he charges a lot of money. It sucks I don’t have my dad to turn to because he makes everything about him.. everything is everyone else’s fault. He can never do any wrong, and nothing that has anything to do with me is important unless it serves him. I want to talk to my mom she sounds clean now. But i don’t know if I can forgive her after everything I went through with her. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for my siblings because man I do not want to be on this earth anymore 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to end it with the BF. Don't stay stuck with the "devil you know", so to speak.

He cheats and what "comfort" is in that?

Idk I wish I could explain it.. I feel like he’s who I’m supposed to be with. It’s been so long that I just tell myself this is how it’s supposed to be 

Just now, Rose Mosse said:

I agree. This sounds tiring. You're with your boyfriend out of comfort and familiarity but he isn't good to you. The other guy is willing to have sex with you but he agrees to do it knowing you're in a relationship? Seems odd to me. Perhaps neither quite care about you or your wellbeing. 

Take care of yourself. It's difficult to understand why you would bother with either man.

The other guy knows it’s disfunctional and that I could totally go back just out of comfort. But he is so ready and willing to marry me and move on if I have him the chance.. he’s super invested in my family already (from before) and he cares a lot about my younger siblings. It’s tough. 

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Stop cheating on your boyfriend.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  Break up with your boyfriend so you can be with the other guy.  If you want to be your own person, then don't be with either guy. 

Make a wise, final decision.

I know ugh. That’s why I’ve been very strict with the whole “we’re not back together” thing. Because truth is idk what to do! I don’t have that comfort level with the other guy.. it feels like the right thing to do to go back.. he has this way of reeling me back in but I KNOW I’m not nearly as happy. 

On 10/17/2021 at 10:05 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

My gf and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. I’m at the point where I’ve thought about marriage even buying a ring, however I find myself questioning things more and more.

A lot of things stem from my issues I brought into the relationship. In the beginning, my gf told me she didn’t watch me to ever watch ***** and gave me the option to exit the relationship if it was to be a problem. I said it wouldn’t, however I did keep watching *****. I have a very hyper active sex drive and mind. I like watching ***** because it’s enjoyable and gives the feeling of something different, even though my gf and I have sex frequently and I do love her. It’s just the fact that I want to enjoy sex in whatever way although I would never physically cheat on her.

When she caught me watching it the first time, I lied to her saying I would stop. This happened again 2 more times to the point where she installed monitoring apps on my phone and computer. Those still weren’t enough as I found ways around them to still watch *****. I don’t watch it everyday maybe once a week but still can’t seem to want to stop. She’s caught me two more times since. Every time this has happened I’ve lied and denied but the truth always comes out

Every time she catches me, she packs up all her things and leaves and says we’re done although we always end up talking and making up. However, recently, it’s gotten to the point where she is constantly so hurt at the thought that I lied to her about it and that I had the audacity to look at other women on ***** sites, she becomes triggered emotionally very easily. Last couple of fights she has started to get so upset and has lost control, destroying gifts I’ve given her, tearing up our pictures and hitting me. It started with strong slaps to the arm but has resulted in her pushing me aggressively and slapping me hard in the head. And yes I’m bigger than her but it still hurts a lot.

She blames it on me emotionally cheating and lying which she claims is emotional abuse. Every time though we still make up however the arguments still persist and we both seem to get annoyed with each other more and more.

My heart says to stay but my gut tells me this is the end. So torn on what to do

Oh no, absolutely not. Listen, should you be lying? No. Should you care about how she feels? Yes you should. But should she hit you for it??? Noooooo. If porn is a dealbreaker in your relationship then you need to move on. . Find you a girl that will watch it with you! I don’t think porn is unhealthy but if it’s causing you THIS MUCH disfuncfion.. if you’re literally addicted to it then you may have to seek some help! 

I also want to point out that my boyfriend can be very compassionate but I always have to beg him to be.. The other day I told him how sad it was that I can’t even put my ring back on and he said well put it on then.. I want romance I want affection. I get cuddles I get hugs and kisses but it’s just not emotionally connected.. it can’t be. I know I let myself slip but it was only after being beaten down so many times. Just don’t know what to do.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We got engaged two years ago but called it off after finding out he was sexting women online. I’ve forgiven all of the times he has cheated on me (stupid I know) and I can’t get past the comfort I feel from him. A year ago I started working for my dad again and I reconnected with this guy I haven’t seen in 3 years who I had blocked because my bf wasn’t comfortable. I let myself slip and now I’m having to choose.. I’ve been clear with both sides how I feel and that I need to be my own person for now but I’m still technically seeing both of them. Im tired of pleading for my boyfriend to care about my feelings and I’m tired of crying all the time. This other guy has done more to show he cares about me than my boyfriend of 5 years. Also keep in mind sex with this other guy is 100000 times better, never experienced anything better in my life. My boyfriend often gets there very quick and I’m left not taken care of every single time. I can’t get past the comfort thing.. and I don’t have the strength to walk away what do I do?!?!