Atlguy

Jibralta, I think what you said has merit. I think I made a mistake hiring the lawyer I did. Shame its so late in the process now. This lawyer was recommended to me by someone I previously trusted. Well, I still trust her, but think she got this wrong. His father was a competent attorney, but this guy.... Yes, extremely stressed out.

She isn't permitted to even change planes in the U.S., so even meeting her in Mexico was a challenge. I've known her a year and a half, but yes, I'm still concerned. There's time to call the whole thing off, but not much time, just a couple of weeks at this point. As for me being in a rush, no, I'm not since now at my advanced age I won't have kids. 10 years ago I would have been in a rush so that I could have kids. Now I have to let that dream go. Its a disaster of a life basically for the last 18 years. Why not add one more disaster to it? I'm being sarcastic, but it wouldn't surprise me if this blew up in my face. I can't win, basically. Either my personal life or my professional life (or both) have sucked since around 2003, so what the hell? How can I even be optimistic anymore? Its hard to be, but I try. I've tried to have faith in this relationship, but it has faded with distance and time (hence me starting this thread) and just my own history of bad decisions (only in hindsight that is), so if it all blows up I wouldn't be shocked. Basically I have zero confidence in my decisions despite giving them careful consideration. Something always goes wrong. So I go back and forth with this decision almost daily. A buddy of mine suggested an exercise. Take one day and act as if its over and see how I feel about it. Then the next day be completely committed and see how that makes me feel. Sounds a little simplistic I guess, but I need clarity.

Your point being?

Obviously, that would be my preference but the immigration process makes it impossible to give it a year. Still, I know her well enough to take this risk. Heck 70 years ago people got married after knowing each other only 3 months. Granted, it might have been because people were more religious then and it was the only way to have sex, so they perhaps rushed things. I was born in the wrong generation. I wish things were simpler like back then. But your point is not lost on me, trust me. I'm very concerned we don't have enough time. For whatever reason, she's not concerned and has decided I'm who she wants. Now whether she really knows in her heart I'm her "soulmate" or whatever word you want to use is another story. She could just be saying to herself "he has enough positive qualities that its worth the risk", I don't know. But I do hope our love grows stronger and deepens. It can take years for this to happen even for couples who follow a more traditional method than we are.

Yes, I did the first time we met in person back in March 2020. Seems like forever with this pandemic. we were together again in Mexico in September. Managed to get around COVID to see each other through much hard work on my part.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. You make a good point that it is somewhat of a transactional relationship because we haven't spent enough time together. I have been in 2 1 year relationships since living here (3-4 since my divorce depending on what you consider a relationship) and had several flings. Just no quality women to marry and I had to do something different. I don't want to live my life having the occasional fling and nothing more. I'm sick of it. Its not my style. I guess in a way this is similar to an arranged marriage or married at first sight or whatever. But I knew my ex-wife 3.5 years before getting married and look how that turned out. I know how it looks, desperate and I guess I sort of am. Looking at me you'd never think it. I have a lot going for me, but I'm up against a wall now. That said, I am willing to walk away because it would be worse to be in a bad marriage. Time will tell.

Wow, I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I can't even imagine how you must feel. I hope the same doesn't happen to me. I can only trust what she's told me. I will say she's not manipulative in any way that I can see. She even wants to keep her job in case it doesn't work. We are both protecting ourselves because we know a lot can happen. I'm structuring a prenup. Nobody wants to think of these things, but this is 2021 and people you think you can trust betray that trust. I hope we get to a point where I don't worry about "what if" this or that happens and she turns into someone I don't recognize or fools me. I just know she's shown me who she is, including the not so good parts and so I'm not going in blind. But I'm also learning how to say things in a more thoughtful way. We're both learning how to navigate the cultural and communication differences. I see her as someone with integrity and not a user. She's extremely independent and doesn't need a man, she wants one. Thats what I see. But I also see her feminine side and a woman who wants to be with someone who brings that out in her. She's had to be the mother an father and provider for a decade for her son, so now she won't be doing it alone. I assume you're still married because of the child. I'm sure its lonely and I hope you can find a solution. I'll do what I can with the advice here. My problem is that I don't trust my own judgment anymore, and that certainly is playing into my back and forth on my relationship.

OK, point made. I posted when I thought I was going to end it. I admit it is a bad sign that this is a rollercoaster relationship. But then I remind myself how unconventional it is and had we lived in the same city all this time, it either would have run its course or we'd still be planning to get married. Its just not so simple. I am risking a lot, but so is she. I don't see ulterior motives except maybe as it relates to her son and wanting to give him a better life/opportunities. She doesn't seem to be faking her feelings for me, but hey, maybe I'm just a sucker. I don't view this as a transaction. Time will tell I guess.

I wasn't implying the guy you mentioned was bossy, but maybe in charge of most things. I will be in charge of a lot, but I won't try to control her. Thats what I meant. She has a voice if she wants it, and she does want a voice as she's not submissive, but independent. I've gotten her commitment to work. She's already put a lot of thought into how her skills translate here and is working on learning new skills for her profession. We're lucky she's in IT and will be an immigrant, so she will be able to get a job anywhere, especially given the political landscape now. She will meet "diversity" standards. This is one time (and maybe the only one) that our political landscape actually will work in our favor. It would work swimmingly in a city like Atlanta. Anyway, I won't post about it anymore and just let the thread die since people here think I'm an idiot about to ruin my life. Thats fine. This board was at least at first very supportive compared to others, so thanks for that. Its now deteriorated to the point to where I don't want to participate and feel like I have to defend myself. Its not a black and white answer for me. I just wanted to see if there was something I hadn't considered, but many of the points made were either off base or not helpful, but some were. I just wanted to find my person, and it was never going to happen as long as I lived where I do. Either we'll be good together and we won't. If we aren't, I won't go through with marrying her. Its just been a very up and down relationship because of the distance and we will just have to see. I shouldn't have posted here.

This is laughable. You must not be in the dating scene or out of it for a very long time. 50 states means nothing. If you live more than 10 miles from a single woman, she isn't going to pursue a relationship. California is a great example. LA is so huge that singles think a 30 mile drive isn't worth the effort. I don't have that mentality, but the women I met in Dallas for example, thought like this. Sure, there's 330 million people in the U.S. How many are single women within a certain radius who are a match for me? Not many. I Pursued her because of common values, family oriented, and obviously there's attraction. Is she the most beautiful woman I've ever been with? I will probably say yes as our relationship strengthens because its the whole package thats important. It's subjective, but we have a ton of chemistry. I'm not a fool and I know that alone is nowhere near enough. We get along well when we're together and the issues we have had we've talked through. We're learning how to resolve disagreements, which to me is so important. We both still need to work on it, but the key is we are working on it.

I don't want to be in charge of everything. I want a partnership, so this is definitely not an option. Latin would be an option, but I still want a woman to have input into all major decisions. I'm not a bossy person. I'm a man and can take charge, but like I said I view women as equal, not less than myself. We've discussed parenting. I will have a lesser role early on other than rules and just focus on getting him to trust me. She does want a father for her son, so I will take that role on. I will be learning as I go. English will be the primary language in the house. Of course she will translate some things into Russian and I will also learn some. Its a hard language. I've already put effort into it. She's fluent enough and he understands more English than I realized. He's getting lessons there now. Just started that last week. We likely won't have kids, so thats not really an issue, just a question of me accepting I missed my window and life is different now. We got through all the pre-marital counseling and he continues to be a resource for me and her as well. He will likely perform the ceremony. Our core values are compatible. We just need to live under the same roof and see how it is in everyday life. But there's enough love between us that its worth the risk. Jibralta, I am not minimizing the culture shock. I've taken many steps to prepare her and inform her. I've also taken steps to introduce her to the Russian community here which we will be a part of. I'm not a fool like these people on 90 day Fiance. I think things out. We have support here from Russian people I know who will help both of us.

Not true. I'm dead serious about moving. Yes, politics and weather are factors. Though my home state has gone the wrong way politically, its still my first choice. If I could work from home, I would have been long gone. I actually can work from home, but have a horrible boss who plays favorites. I'm not one. I will not put my financial future at risk and move without a job to go to. Just can't be that irresponsible. Some people can, I can't. Holly, you don't know what you're talking about. Easy to judge from where you sit.

I understand why you would think I'm desperate, but the reality is I'm very selective. I stand up for myself all the time and refuse to be walked on (as my dad was) by a woman. Thats not to say I'm an alpha jerk, just not a pushover. So my eyes are open. All your suggestions have already been tried. Matchmakers aren't worth their fee, trust me on that one. You make moving sound so simple, but it isn't. Simple in theory, not in reality. Trust me, its all I've worked on for 5 years now. I just won't move to a state that I don't like such as California, New York, Massachusetts, etc. Yes, there are more jobs in my industry in those states, but I would hate living there as much or more than here. I didn't mention all the states I'd consider. Colorado and Florida are also on the list, but really, southeastern states are what I want for my own quality of life and similar culture to what I'm used to. I'm not clinging to her, but I also don't want to give up too easy. Its a hard decision. My gut tells me this can work and the misunderstandings will diminish over time. You never really know someone until you live with them and it is a risk. But I knew my ex-wife for nearly 4 years before we got married and we lived together for a couple years first. I had no doubts, yet here I sit divorced. No guarantees.

I agree, it is difficult. I admit part of my own issue is how I was treated in my first marriage. I'm determined not to be screwed over again. So some of my preparation and caution has nothing to do with her. She is Ukrainian, so close enough. However, we covered money in pre-marital counseling and she knows my expectations once she's cleared to work. I want a family, so I'm willing to make some level of sacrifice, but I won't sacrifice everything I've worked for. I forwarded the Forbes article mentioned here to my attorney already! Thank you Andrina! We did clear the air a bit yesterday after I started this thread. I am tired of the rollercoaster though. More tests to come I'm sure...

There's a lot here to address. Meeting someone here will not happen, thats a fact. Long distance within the U.S. doesn't work because mostly the women won't do it because they're highly sought after so why make the effort? I've been living here because of golden handcuffs of a good job and I can't find a similar job elsewhere. Simple as that. NOT for lack of effort, trust me on that one! I network my a*s off on LinkedIn and calling hiring managers in Atlanta, Dallas, Nashville, and other cities I would like more than here. I have recruiters who I bug all the time so they don't forget me. My resume is impeccable. Opportunities just aren't there or I'm unaware of them and 1-2 months late finding out. Story of my life the past 5 years! This wasn't a mail order bride. I have to keep repeating that. This happened organically, so to speak after carefully paying attention to her words, common goals, and her personality generally. She's shown me she really loves me, more-so in person, but I know she does. Her issues are more cultural and maybe upbringing and getting to the bottom of her "triggers" has been very difficult. Getting her to be more open about her own past and issues is coming along, but slowly. But its more about how our personalities match or if they do than attraction, her using me, or anything else.

I've questioned her about this repeatedly. "Are you moving here for me/us or just your son or you and your son?" She is adamant that its for me. Another lesser point she made which doesn't hold water to me is "why would I move to Oklahoma if it wasn't for a man I love?". She says that because I've told her generally how much this state sucks. Worst case scenario (and I'm completely prepared for this) is she comes here and after 2 months or less we realize this will never work, we don't marry, and I send her back. If we're married less than a year, she has to go back. She'll land on her feet because she owns a condo there (almost outright now) that at the very least she can sell. I'm not walking in with rose colored glasses at all. She's shown me who she is, but she's shown me her good sides much more in person. She's been easy going and she even said the first time we met it felt like "home" because of how naturally everything was. So this is why I have a hard time with this decision. I do love her, but the butterflies are gone after 18 months. I see who she is and know what I'm getting into. I have also learned techniques to diffuse arguments and make her instantly apologize for bad behavior or thoughtless behavior or whatever. I just say "when you did X, I felt Y" and its instantly diffused and she genuinely cares how I feel. So its a mixed bag with her. She has also agreed to a prenup, so thats important. My attorney also told me the government doesn't go after the man (or person, since women do this also) who brings someone here if they get government benefits. She's too independent to even file, I would imagine, but you never know I guess.

Yes, for work. Post recession and living in the house I was married in, I had no choice. I needed to get out and couldn't find a job in Atlanta. My industry at that time was demolished in Atlanta. I have a resume, I have recruiter, and I apply for jobs. I've had tons of zoom interviews. Either bad timing, not a fit, or made it to final 2 and not selected. Its always something. I have a good job and its sought after with tons of competition, particularly in a big city. Living where I do its not like that because nobody in their right mind wants to live here unless they grew up here. Its a bubble. Anyway, I look great on paper (and in reality a really good catch), but still had to look elsewhere for a wife and of course the job search never ends. Also, not all foreign dating is a scam. I didn't hire a service for this. I also did a lot of research to not be suckered. I wasn't suckered at all, just chose wrong evidently.

Good points. I just feel like I blew my shot at a family when I got divorced (not my decision) 12 years ago. Then was forced to move to a part of the country where nobody likes transplants and its very cliquish. Making friends here is impossible and I've finally accepted its not me. I'm social, smart, funny, a normal guy. I have a career but live in isolation because of the mentality here. So as I said earlier, dating locally sure as heck isn't an option and moving has been slow going since I've diligently worked on that since 2016. I just want to give up on life most days, not so much because of depression (although thats part) but because I have so many regrets and life just didn't work out for me. Its works out for other people, not me. Thats not entirely true, but thats how it feels. The isolation after 8+ years here is slowly killing me.

Thats not obvious, actually. She has a good job and is independent there. She wants to be married to the right man. I just don't think I'm it anymore. I feel used in other ways, but not the one you mention.

Thanks Rose. You're right, expecting the worst (a recent development) is not the way to be in a relationship. A big part of me has checked out because I don't see any effort on her part. Of course, being 6,000 miles away, I'm not sure what the effort "should" be. But when she's mad, she ignores me, and that won't fly. Thats the last 2 days now, so thats another red flag.

Thank you guys for the advice. My friends are giving me similar advice. This message board seems less judgmental than others I've been on, and I really appreciate that! I had a long discussion last night with the pastor who performed the pre-marital counseling. He stopped short of telling me to end it, but I think that was the message. At a minimum suggested I get my questions answered and confront her on some things. Not confront, just share my concerns. I plan to do that for sure and I expect defensiveness on her part, which will help me make my decision, actually.

I think this is the minimum I will do. At worst, end it. At best keep it going and also keep other options open, which is so unlike me as I've always been so loyal. I just can't anymore with this distance and my uncertainty.

So here's some history of why I did this. I gave up on dating where I live 2 years ago and went on this journey to find a foreign woman. I haven't been treated well since living where I do and the pool is small here. I couldn't meet quality here. At 52 and still wanting a family, I'm out of options, basically. I do regret not pursuing someone in Latin America or Mexico, as I relate to Latin culture so much better. If I start over again (I can't imagine after the frustrating year and a half of waiting), I will look for a Latin woman. Dating where I live isn't an option. I'm trying to move back to Atlanta, but thats not working. I fear I will be alone indefinitely.