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Posts posted by FenixReborn

  1. I'm going to save up and move out. While it's my brother who is the instigator, my other family members, by basically doing and saying nothing, essentially condone this behaviour and I've had enough. I knew in my mind I wasn't exactly wrong to feel the way I do about the situation, but I wanted to make sure by asking the forums. I've kept my bedroom door locked at night long before posting and I'm just happy that I'm not crazy in feeling this way about my brother. Thanks again.


    This is the best plan. Honestly, I'm not sure if your environment was ever a very healthy place for you. Your father cheating and the problems between your parents feel like they took on toll everyone. While you tried to make things better and focus on keeping everyone together, you're brother has always acted out. Moving away only gave him a taste of "freedom" and seems to have encouraged him in his self-destructive behavior. He needs to address why he is behaving this way and the family needs to call him out on it and put a stop to it. He can't fix everyone else, especially when he is adding more drama to the situation. For your own health, it is best to remove yourself from the situation.

  2. Hypothetically, if she did "come on to me" at any point this weekend, I'd probably try to first have a discussion with her about where she's at, to make sure she's really ready to move forward. I don't really see this happening, though, as I think tomorrow will be two friends hanging out who haven't seen each other in a month, and then Saturday will be a nice little gathering with her family.


    Trust yourself. You're already got a good read on the situation. Use the weekend to see if she seems okay after the breakup and to just have fun with her.


    When you do say something, I feel like you two will be able to work out whatever happens. So when you feel comfortable, go for it. You'll never know until you try.

  3. Things can happen, so once you can forgive a person and give them the benefit of the doubt. But when it becomes a pattern, then you have a problem. He continued to do this after you told him you had a problem with it. Even if you want go with his friend doing it, why would he let his friend use the phone knowing his friend could do something like that?


    Honesty should be a part of a healthy relationship. You can't trust him to be honest. You are being hurt emotionally and physically (losing sleep) by this. It's not healthy for you to see him. There are other guys who will not make you work this hard and who be honest and respectful.

  4. I'm sure he can be a great, wonderful, caring guy at times. I'm sure there are many great qualities he has and that when things are good, you feel amazing. But those times don't last. He sounds like a very emotionally unstable person with issues that HE needs to work out. But instead of working through his own problems, he uses you to justify and excuse his behavior. You are not the cause of his problems. As much as you want to be there for him and help him, you can't fix what he is going through. And you don't deserve to be blamed for it. The hardest thing to see is that we can't be the one that makes someone better, only they can do it for themselves. If you can't handle the stress and pain, then you need to walk away for your own health. Don't let his depression and issues cause you to have issues of your own.

  5. Sonic, I see a lot of myself in you. The over-thinking and analyzing everything. The wondering if she's ready and has moved on. While I applaud your reasons, I worry you'll worry about this too much and miss your chance. I've been there. So, how recent is this breakup? I know some will say it takes months and months to get over a relationship, but it may not be as long as you think. Please, don't drive yourself crazy over this for months on end and build it up in your head. Try to just enjoy your time together and go with the flow. Be playful, have fun. Even be a little flirty (it can come naturally if you're thinking about it). If she is enjoying herself and hasn't shown any signs of still being hurt, casually bring stuff up like DancingFool suggested.


    Ironic, for someone names Sonic, I'm worried you'll go too slow. :tongue:

  6. Hi Imawreck.


    I don't do well socially either. In my case it's that I'm naturally a shy, introverted person. Anything that involves groups of people makes me uncomfortable. I know what it's like to question myself and wonder why I don't have a life. I know what's it's like to lack motivation. But it doesn't have to be that way. I've found that the way to feel better about yourself is to not worry about what others think and just focus on you. Don't try to have a social life, try to live your life. What are the things you enjoy in life? Sports? Art? Theater? Something else entirely? What is it that at some point made you smile and got you excited? Pursue that. Find a way to fit it into the schedule. When you are doing something you love, your mind isn't focused on the negative thoughts that just become a cycle of negativity. You can find yourself energized and having fun. When you see that you are good at something, it helps your confidence and self-esteem.


    I'd get out of the cycle of going to bars. I work during the day and by the time I finish, I'm ready to go home and not look for much else. You have the chance to do things when it's actually light out. There are plenty of clubs, classes, shops, places to go, etc open during the day. You just need to do the research to find something that interests you. These places can provide a laid back environment. And it'll give you a group of people with a common interest to help start you out on getting to know them. These people could become friends just as easily, if not more so, then people at a bar. I've always wondered why someone would want to be in a dark bar during the day when you can actually be out in the daylight.


    I don't think you are "creepy" for going to a bar and talking to women, but I don't think it's helping you. It sounds like you are hoping to hook up with random girls and essentially having one night (day?) stands. You say you hope to "get lucky." But these types of encounters aren't likely to lead to more. So in the end, you are still alone. It ends up re-enforcing all the negative feelings you have, making you feel even more isolated. If you are doing this, you have no incentive to talk to approach women that could possibly lead to something real. Again, I'd say to not worry about. Focus on yourself first. Do something you love for yourself. When that natural confidence kicks in, you won't be as nervous about dealing with women. And you may have already meet someone from whatever activity you choose to do.


    Good luck.

  7. I knew a guy who had been married for years and the marriage feel apart. They were just starting the process of divorce. A family member arranged for him to meet an old flame. They instantly got together and he used that as a means to cover up the pain and loneliness that he was feeling. The divorce got ugly and he justified that since he had someone new, the problems in the marriage was all her fault. In reality, he didn't want to face being alone and coming to terms with his own mistakes. Don't make a similar mistake.


    If she is married, then she is off limits. If she was single, then yes you could pursue an old flame and try to rekindle what was there. But you are risking ruining a marriage. After going through a divorce yourself, which I'm sure was not an easy thing, do you really want to risk making her go through the same? If you do love her, why would you want to endanger the happiness that she has found? If you two are supposed to be together in the end, love will find a way to make it happen. But for now it's not your place to interfere. You told her not to right back, and she respected your wishes. To continue would be putting her on an unfair emotional roller-coaster. And it's really not fair to her family who don't deserve to have someone interfering in their life.


    You will find someone else in time. For know, just get comfortable with your own life. You do not need to be with someone to be happy. Enjoy the freedom of being single again. Do the hobbies you couldn't do before because your time was taken up with the family. And make sure your child is taken care of. I don't know the age, but divorce is hard on a child at any age. Make sure he is okay. A parent's first responsibility should always be their child.

  8. Sonic, you're dealing with the same problem friends everywhere have dealt with. And sadly, there are no easy answers. Every person reacts differently. Only thing I know for sure is that nothing happens unless you try. So you have to decide if the risk is worth the potential reward. Yes, plenty could go wrong. Plenty could also go right. If you don't try, you keep the friendship, but you'll never know what would have happened. And in my experience, the never knowing is the worse part.


    That you're worried about all these things shows that you're a good guy at heat. No matter how she feels about you romantically, I'm sure she sees that you are a good guy and won't think anything negative or that you were trying to get close to her all this time.

  9. At times we all feel powerless and helpless. Especially this year, life can seem pointless and that we are all trapped with no way out. So it's normal to have a fantasy of being able to overcome something, do something amazing and heroic. Why do you think superhero movies are so popular? We all want to have hope that a regular person can somehow become this heroic figure that saves the world. And we feel the most hope when the hero has his back to the wall, has lost everything, and still manages to overcome and prevail.


    "Generally I struggle with depression which usually causes apathy and lack of interest in life... I’m not usually someone who cares about being centre of attention, and I always go out of my way to make sure people are happy and safe.."


    Sounds to me like you are already overcoming something and being heroic. As a friend taught me, start small. You don't have to be tested through some huge crisis. You can grow through even the smallest of things. Fighting depression isn't easy and is a major accomplishment. Every day you don't give into it, you are being brave and strong. Every-time you think about someone else, making them happy and safe, you are doing something great and amazing. You are already a fighter.

  10. jennylove, you sound like a remarkably honest and sincere person. You want people to do the decent thing. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen and you seem to be around people who don't think that way. While your intentions are good, there needs to be that space so you aren't constantly driving yourself crazy over other people's issues. I've banged my head against the wall many times dealing with people who refuse to change or show the tiniest bit of decency in some area. And all it got me was a sore head. These other people will face the consequences of their actions in time. As soon as you are able, please move and surround yourself with a new, more positive environment. Hopefully a fresh start can bring you some peace of mind.

  11. Sorry you're going through this. It's probably for the best that you stay with your father. Your mother sounds like she isn't handling this well. Instead of being around her and constantly have to deal with a negative environment and fights, you should be able to have a peaceful environment to focus on you. Maybe the time apart will give your mom a chance to heal herself and reflect on everything. Hopefully you can repair things in time. For now, enjoy this time before adulthood kicks in. Work towards your goals. And most of all, have fun.

  12. Don't answer any question that you are not comfortable with. Be honest that you're comfortable. If the person has a valid reason for asking, they should be able to explain rather then just expect you to answer. And if they don't respect that you don't want to share that with someone you've barely met, then you probably don't want to be going any further with them.

  13. So, call me old fashioned, but I don't get texting in the first place. How can I have a connection to words on a screen? If you really want to connect and bond with a person, you need to meet in person and be able to see them. Or at the very least, actually use a phone to make a phone call. I feel a lot closer to someone when I can hear their voice.


    If you are more comfortable in person, then skip the texts and be together in person as soon as you can. It's a lot more fun.

  14. First off, you are not ugly. I believe the only ugly people are those with ugly behavior. If you spread hate and act with anger and disdain to others, that makes you ugly. But you sound like a sweet person, just unsure of herself. It's okay to be uneasy about relationships and want to take it slow, especially if it is new to you. I'm also in my 30's and have little in the way of actual relationship experience. So there's nothing wrong with that. And just because someone likes you, doesn't mean he is desperate or settling. Be it this guy or someone else, I'm sure you have lots of great qualities that can attract a guy.


    Sleeping with someone isn't bad or dirty. But it should only be done when you are fully ready for it. If you are not, then a guy who respects and loves you will not push. He will wait until you want it and are comfortable with it. Sex should be an intimate act, sharing ourselves with another person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's an expression of love and affection. It's two becoming one. That's not dirty, it's special. It's also not something to rush into. If you haven't known him long, then don't rush it. Enjoy the little moments first. Holding hands, hugs, cuddling on the couch, kissing. Those can be just as meaningful and get you comfortable with being physical with someone. When your ready for more, you'll know. But don't feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable doing.


    A few weeks with this guy is barely any time at all. His text may be a sign of anger issues, or it may have been a bad day. It's something to keep in mind. But you are definitely not at the point where you should be talking marriage. If you like him, and he likes you, continue to take it slow. You'll see his real self in the pattern of his behavior. First loves are scary, but they are worth it. Just remember that you are worthy of love and deserve to be treated with respect. And enjoy it. A relationship should make you feel happy, you just need to be open to it.

  15. Porn addiction is a problem that people face. If he is spending that much on multiple personalized videos, after promising he wouldn't, I'd be wondering if he has a problem.


    The bigger issue though is the lying. He had the chance to come clean and admit he did it again, but he couldn't. He openly admitted it was cheating. He knows you don't approve and that it hurts you, and he does it anyway. Are you willing to tolerate this? Any relationship that is filled with lies and deceiving the other is not going to last and will be filled with hurt. You need to address it. Say your sorry for snooping but that you needed to know you could trust him and was hurt when you found you couldn't. Tell him you won't tolerate certain things. Try to get to why he feels he has to order those videos. If he is willing to talk it over and work things out, do it if you are okay with it. But if he refuses to change or you no longer feel that you can trust him, it' s best to step away and not put yourself through more pain.

  16. A key element of any relationship is communication. He doesn't communicate. In an age where people can't seem to put down their phones, he is not able to find a minute to call, email, or text to let you know he is busy or just to say he is thinking of you? He disappears for days at a time. And when confronted, it is turned around on you for causing drama. He is not treating you with respect. If it is someone I care about, I make the time. I find a way to call, chat, Zoom, text, whatever I can arrange. Because I put the relationship first. Even if it's just five minutes, that five minutes means something to me and to the other person. You deserve to have that in a relationship. You have also been very reasonable, willing to accept not talking as long as he gives you a heads up that he is busy. But he's not even willing to compromise to that degree.


    Don't ignore his messages. Lowering yourself to his level isn't the way to go. Call him out for what he's done and how he's made you feel. Then it would be best to end it. If you continue "seeing" him, that is letting him get away with it. You should be with someone who will respect you more, and he should have to be faced with losing someone because of his behavior.

  17. "You haven't done anything wrong," in reference to Kim's actions. She was friendly towards another person and once she new he had a girlfriend, ensured that it didn't go to far. She's has handled herself well and been honest and mature throughout. As for him, we really know nothing about his relationship. The pictures aren't of an inappropriate nature. And for all we know, his girlfriend might be fine with silly comments or flirting as long as it doesn't go anywhere else. There are a lot of very open people out there who don't mind if you look, just don't touch so to speak.


    Kim, listen to your heart. Do what you feel is right for you. If you can maintain a friendship with him, you should. If you think it's going to be too much, then stop. As long as you are comfortable and happy with your decision, that's what counts.

  18. Introvert who gets anxious in social situations as well. So I feel you. I've also found myself talking with a lot of fellow introverts who feel similar to you. The thread I've found is that they spend more time seeking external validation and berating themselves for being how they are. Instead of looking for affection outside, I think you need to focus on just being happy with you. It's easy to sit back with Youtube, but it doesn't make you feel better. Think about what it is you love to do, and do it. Volunteering is a great start. Check with an organization that interests you and see if there is something online you can do. They still need the help, there just having to figure out new ways of doing things themselves. Once you are feeling productive and happy with yourself, you won't be so focused on what others think. You won't need the emotional attachment so badly because you'll be getting that fulfillment internally. And when you do that, it tends to light a spark in you that others can notice. It can actually draw people to you.


    You've got everything you need within you. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to love yourself and be okay with you. Affection from others is nice and can help, but we are the ones that make our own happiness.

  19. jennylove,


    While I know that our ties to our families can be strong and that we want to be there for them and have great relationships with them, that's not always the case. My family has put me through a lot and done things to me that aren't right. I've been just as upset as you are. So go ahead and be angry. Go ahead and vent. It's good to get the emotions out. We don't choose our families and sometimes we get stuck with ones we don't really fit into.


    What I was once told and have come to see is true, is that family isn't who we are born with, it's who we make it. While it's good to maintain a cordial relationship with them, we don't have to be tied down to them. If they make us upset and bring us down, we are not obligated to be with them. As much as I love my mother, a once a week half an hour call is about what I can stand. I still make sure she knows she can reach me at any time, but I'm not going out to put myself in harms way by doing more then I can handle. On the other hand, my best friend is more family to me then anyone connected by blood. Maybe you need more positive influences in your life?


    Focus on your life and what will make you happy. Focusing on these negative acts and feelings will only lead to you feeling worse. The negative will eat you up if you let it. Try to look at positive things and do what is best for you.

  20. There's nothing wrong with being friends with someone. If you enjoy talking to each other, talk to each other. If you have things in common or similar interests, why not ask about them? Just keep a clear idea of what you feel is crossing the line, and don't cross it. You sound very reasonable and respectful of his relationship. So don't feel too bad, you haven't done anything wrong.

  21. Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries and feel comfortable at work. People should be treated as they would like to be treated. As long as you are being professional and getting the job done, that should be it. If you are not comfortable being in a social situation, particular on non-work times, then say let him know. Tell him firmly but politely that you like to keep your work and personal life separate. Kissing, or any invasion of personal space, should not be allowed. I'd give him a pass in case he does have social issues, but let him know that it's not appropriate and that it could cause problems for him. If he continues to push to a point that you are not comfortable with, it needs to be escalated to HR.


    I think you're handling an uncomfortable situation well. I find that if you keep things strictly business, others tend to respond in kind.

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