Whirling D

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You didn't get back to her right away despite reading her message.

It's extremely odd how you panic over her not immediately responding when you haven't been doing so. You said you "forgot" and were "busy". Right? You also agonized and obsessed over how to word your response. How do you know she isn't doing the same thing?

You say you want someone who's as anxious as you are. Maybe you found her. 

I never said I wanted to find someone as anxious as I am.  At all.  It would certainly be nice to find someone who finds the same amount of priority in corresponding during getting to know each other. And, yes, I do find the initial bantering a part of getting to know each other.  It can reveal a bit about the nature of someone.  

Plus, she didn't actually ask me any questions that needed to be answered. 

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok try to separate finding banter buddies from dating. This way, you can still keep yourself busy with banter buddies and not turn off potential dates with it.

I don’t think I do turn off potential dates with it.  Lots of people love to banter.

if this low level, relatively brief banter turned this girl off, or any girl off, they would likely not be the one for me.  If they can’t handle a little humor and engagement, what else will they judge?

Trying to meet people online is such a frickin’ roller coaster ride for me.  I go up and down based on whether I get a response or how fast. Since this is my only candidate.

I’m tempted to just bail out of this one. I just don’t see it happening.

Many of you comment on how online dating, or meeting anyone, is a numbers game. It’s not for me. There are no numbers. Unless it’s infinity.  Unless it’s the number one.  I have to soak every opportunity for all I can, because who knows when the next one will come. They are few and far between. They usually end in failure.  You already know why I believe this happens.

So, once again I am looking at the negative aspects of this “number“. I left her a message yesterday around 6 PM, or so. She read it somewhere around 7:30 PM, and despite me asking her a question… about getting back to her late next week for confirmation… No reply.  

Yeah, she could be busy. She leaves for vacation on Saturday and works a full-time stressful job. Yada yada yada.

I think I have to face the facts. There are continuous red flags here that I just don’t seem to want to acknowledge. Yes, many of you will give me a hard time because you think it’s “playing games“ to try to figure out how quickly or leisurely one should respond to messages… to maximize chance of success. And you will likely say that me not responding to her for 24 hours deliberately is playing games. Not sure I agree, I think it was more of a strategy…

But here’s what I think… When you are on the line with someone to get together, and you are in the final stages of preparing a meeting, and you ask a question about when to confirm… It doesn’t take a lot of thought and determination to write a quick note back saying “Yeah we should talk late in the week and figure out a plan“. And do it right away. I think that’s what thoughtful people who are truly invested in a situation would do.

I’m sure many of you are going to say that she can’t possibly be invested in this, because she doesn’t even know me. I’m likely just a number to her. If that’s the case, then I don’t see how her and I could possibly ever work. Because I have zero interest in being a number for anyone.  Yeah, she’s busy. Yeah, she probably has a lot of men contacting her. Yeah, it’s probably hard to keep up with it.  Yeah, she is not me.

But I’ll tell you, despite what appearances I may have given about my frequency of messaging, if someone that I found interesting was messaging me and we were in the last stages of putting together a meeting, i’d be getting back to them right away. No doubt.  Maybe I’m hypocritical saying this, and maybe it’s true. And maybe if I didn’t feel a great big social and cultural gap between her and I in the first place, there is a strong likelihood that I wouldn’t have felt the need to use “strategy“ to try to keep her attention.

My current feeling of thinking that this situation is likely useless doesn’t mean I’m not going to still wait for a response. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to be disappointed in the thought that I am probably always going to feel like a low priority to a lady like this. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel anxious over the next little while to see if I hear from her again. 

Right now, I am in number to her. When my number comes up, maybe I’ll hear back from her. Maybe I’ll message her in a week to see if she’s still interested.

Part of me thinks I should wait to see if she confirms, and if she doesn’t, I should let it go. A lot of dating advice suggests that. A lot of you on here suggested that with my previous situations.  This girl knows I am interested. I left her a message with a question as to when to contact her next. I kind of think it’s up to her to make good on that, and part of me has zero interest in chasing.

Am I wrong?

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How about you suggest contacting her mid next week? Don't "tell" her, suggest it. 

And please don't "forget" to message her!

I was even wondering about just this... the wording...

"I'll give you a zap mid next week to see how things are going",

vs,

"Perhap, I can contact you next week to confirm?"

or,

"Is it ok if I contact you next week to verify?"

Each seems to have pros and cons.

Now… I’m wondering… do I suggest her to contact me when the time gets closer, which seems passive… or tell her I’ll check in mid next week (seems proactive).

Take the lead?

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also the more you ruminate the more you’re likely to be more nervous at the actual meeting 

Nah… I do ok at meetings and dates.  I go in there with a few butterflies, but I do ok being confident enough that I am a nice person, but not put a lot of pressure on myself to be this or that.  I try to simply enjoy myself and try to meet someone nice.  Much easier than the actual process.

I’ve had plenty of horror stories from dates.  I survived.  I’ll survive this, one way or the other.  
 

I would be considerably less anxious if she hadn’t told me that she’s a physician.  Way less anxious. That’s tough for me.  Still not convinced there’s a snowball’s chance in purgatory that we will connect. I think we likely live in very different worlds.  I’m more anxious about that than anything.

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your father.

And I have anxiety. I find that getting something I dread DONE is much better than stewing over it for hours and hours and days. 

You can't "maximize outcome" through a reply to a message. All you need to do is reply to her message agreeing to coffee. No "banter" needed. Simple. 

Or, you could stew. And set meaningless time frames such as insisting she must be online in order for you to reply to her message. She doesn't. 

But do whatever serves your purpose, whether it's an opportunity to meet a nice lady or forego that in favor of staying in your comfort zone of being alone and insisting no one wants to date you. Your choice. 

Well, regardless of when I message her, I suspect the outcome won’t change.  We will either catch a vibe, and she’ll like me or she won’t.  Truthfully, I’m not holding a ton of hope.  A few hours of difference isn’t likely going to make much difference.

And I’m not really in a lather.  A bit nervous, but not out of control.  Doing ok.

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And I doubt she knows how anxious you are.

Why do you have to wait until the evening to respond? Are you going to "forget" or "get busy" again this evening? Your message would be in her in box, it won't disappear if you send it now. 

But again, if you'd rather stay in your comfort zone of being alone I'm sure you can come up with a lot of excuses to "wait" or things to be "busy" with.

I sincerely hope you overcome your fears and send the message. I for one would love to read about a happy result (you and her meeting for coffee and having a nice time!)

I am certainly concentrating on family.  We are preparing for my dad’s funeral Ian a day.  But mostly… I wait because I take awhile to “think” about the best approach to potentially maximize outcome.  That is all.  I know I will write it.  Just letting it settle in.  That’s what I always do… Yes… I analyze… think… revise thinking… make a decision.  That’s my process… Sometimes it works, sometimes I time out.

I also know that her profile shows how often she’s on, and she has NEVER been on during daylight.  At least in the 10 days I’ve been corresponding.

So, I have a bit of gamble time to “think” some more before I pull the trigger.  It’s not really any more complicated than that… I don’t think… that and anxiety.  These matters don’t often turn out positively for me (nothing to do with timing or what I say or don’t say), so I don’t want to rush things and regret it…

Just now, boltnrun said:

If you had time to write multi-paragraph replies on this thread you had time to respond to her message 😉

Are you going to allow your anxiety to spoil this for you? If so, maybe evaluate if you'd rather just let this one go so you don't have to be exposed to your fears. You can stay in your comfort zone of alone if you prefer. Or are you going to view this as an opportunity?

Here goes that Yes song again...

Ok, ok, I get it.  Hasn’t even been 24 hrs.  I don’t get the feeling she’s anxious about it, like I normally would be.  😂

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This.

Which, c'mon, takes exactly 18 seconds to do and be done with. It's essentially what I and others suggested right when she replied to you, which is to say it took me 18 seconds or less to write that reply. 

I realize it may seem like a Everest-shaped hill to conquer, given your deeply ingrained patterns, but if you can push yourself to just shoot off a quick, earnest note like that without all the quintuple-guessing I can't help but imagine that you'd find dating a lot less dramatic and dispiriting.

Do the math: 18 seconds of energy vs 24 hours of head-spinning—which will be more depleting? 

 

Normally, I would have written it by now… but I’m hanging with family, and she usually checks dating site in the evenings… so I still have some more hours… 😂

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did those women you "bantered" with via text end up being successful romantic partners?

Have you responded to her yet? If you haven't, I suggest getting on with it. For all you know she's agonizing over whether or not you really do want to meet her for coffee since you didn't respond!

How about "Coffee sounds great! Do you like Coffee Shop Nearby? I thought that might be a good place to meet up after you get back." Then when she responds, wish her a fun vacation, say you're looking forward to seeing her when she gets back, and you'd love to hear how her trip went when you see her. Then keep busy while she's away. 

That’s pretty much exactly what I’m expecting to do.  
 

I'm just with family now and keep getting distracted… or anxious.

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would continue bantering and dissecting her texts if you are seeking an online pen pal you can banter back and forth with.  Those have their place -just tell her that you've decided you should keep it to that -and ask if she is interested in that.  I have online pen pals (all women) including one I only text with and I consider her a dear friend, odd as it sounds (and yes I'd love to meet her in person one day but it's unlikely given we're a plane ride apart) and I keep in touch with a couple of men I met through online dating sites many years ago.  One of them does IT work for us!

Your approach -IMO-is completely inconsistent with wanting to meet and potentially date this woman in real life.  If she is looking to date, my sense is she will stop responding very soon.  

What are you talking about?  How in the world can you say that my approach is inconsistent with wanting to meet her?  

We’ve exchanged 3 messages, with me a fourth because she didn’t respond to one brief comment.  It’s not like I’m barraging her with messages, or writing long sagas.  
 

Our messages have shown no sign of her bailing out, or being put off by my messaging style…  despite my anxiety worrying about that.
 

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If it's vitally important to you that a woman spends all day, every day texting you then maybe focus on retired ladies. Because I can tell you that I wouldn't do this even if I had the time to do so. It's words on a tiny screen! I find it somewhat odd that you place so much importance on typing and reading words on your phone rather than on actual in person interaction. 

I also wouldn't interrogate her on where she's going on her trip, what she plans to do, etc. It sounds invasive, TBH. You've never even met her! This isn't "banter". 

I suggest responding to her suggestion about meeting for coffee and wish her a fun vacation. And say you're looking forward to meeting up when she gets back from enjoying her trip. 

Really? LOL. Maybe you decided to wait because she made you wait? Or is it because you're afraid of writing the wrong thing? It's a reply to her message, it doesn't need to be fraught with nervousness or fear.

It's starting to seem like you're not enjoying this. If you're not, why put yourself through this? And if you do want to meet this woman try to stop making it so agonizing. Have fun with it!

No… I’m away visiting family, and just get distracted.  Plus, my memory is terrible, and I easily forget the most basic of things.

I won’t ask her more stuff… even though she was willing to offer some details about her trip, so if she didn’t want to exchange details, she probably wouldn’t even offer what she did.  Plus, she hasn’t blown me off yet, despite my long-winded banter… even though her responses show a bit of subtle humor, but not really banter.  

She called herself “reserved” on her dating profile, whatever that means to her, so her somewhat dry responses might be a part of that.  Although, her first note to me pointed out that she liked one of the “fun” silly things I said on my profile.  That might be why I continued with bantering with her with silliness in my further messages… You think I should pull back with that?

Many folks I have “bantered” with on texts do like it.  I think it’s just a personal preference.  No right or wrong.  In my case, if I can’t spend time with a person, say, they are at work, I find text banter to be the next best thing.

I don’t particularly like feeling anxious about stuff like this… but I ain’t getting any younger, and I get almost zero other opportunities, so the stakes feel kind of high.

I have no doubt, if I actually meet her, that I will arrive with a positive and happy demeanor and put my best foot forward.  That’s how I usually roll.  

I’m not so sure that what Bat said is necessarily true.  I don’t think it’s always easy to spot drama quickly.  Both my ex wife and the gal I dated a couple of years ago were very good at applying the sheen over drama. 
 

The most recent lady, who I believe had an undiagnosed personality disorder was like a Jeckyl and Hyde, and I remember distinctly the day it started to appear a few months in.  She started yelling violent obscenities at the TV toward politicians and ideology that I believe in… Didn’t take too long for things to start unraveling after that.  

This is pretty common for PDs.  Afflicted partners often put their prospective/new partners high on a pedestal, but when their partner can’t live up to that expectation… the drama begins.  Sound familiar?  I believe I have some of the characteristics of BPD as well, but I’m only moderate.  This lady was far along, and it was really sad.  Self destructive and explosive.  She pretty much destroyed whatever chance we could have had.  I know she tried hard, and meant well, but her soul just couldn’t manage it.  She literally imploded right in front of me, and the more I tried to help, or rationalize things, the more verbally abusive she became.

I still miss that girl, even despite about a year of verbal assaults.
 

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No there's no reason to sit on the sidelines.  There's every reason to get help so that you own your triggers, and you react to them in a way that doesn't burden a potential partner too much.  I woke up my husband early on Tuesday morning. I only do that when our son is just too much for me to handle and I need help getting him out the door on time for school -and that is rare. 

I woke him up early because I was triggered -I was really scared because I thought I had a potential infection from dental work and my reaction was more intense than typical because I've had those sorts of infections, and it triggers me (more than it would him).  I needed his emotional support and potentially practical too (meaning getting my son to school if dentist could see me ASAP).   It's been years and years since I needed him because of a trigger in a situation that was burdensome to him.  I felt comfortable burdening him in this way because it is so very rare.

I dated someone insecure before I reconnected with my husband. After 3 weeks of dating he was questioning me too much about my dating life (we were not exclusive), and about stuff he thought he saw in my purse and being too clingy. I told him this was not ok.  He said he was sorry, he was working on his issues in therapy.  For about a week it was better.  Then started again.  Lovely person, attractive, intelligent, successful.  There is no way I was going to take on his over the top reactions and comments related to his triggers/insecurities.  Not in the long term.  I ended things in part because of this after about 6 weeks of dating.

You seem to take things to a hyperbolic level - no one is telling you to sit on the sidelines.  And at the same time there are no sidelines -dating is not for everyone, not everyone gets to date.  It's not an entitlement.  You've already had the privilege of being married, of having a child -you weren't on your "sidelines" all those years.  For sure if you want to date you should but you have to be responsible for you and I think you have unrealistic expectations of a future partner.  Be your best self and if that means therapy, or self help books or yoga or meditation or staying hydrated- whatever works. 

In all fairness, Bat… You only know what I write, and you don’t know my history or my present, even.  These postings are how I purge, and perhaps release some of the anxiety. I find it somewhat therapeutic, kind of like journaling.  

just because I talk about something here or purge here, doesn’t mean that’s what I’m going to do or how I’m going to handle myself in “real life“.

I keep myself reasonably well together in the real world, minus being somewhat shy, currently single and unable to attract girls that I like, and barely employed. I guess if someone can’t understand or doesn’t value those things, I will just be S out of luck.  

As far as “getting help“ for my triggers and anxiety, I have been under the guidance of therapists, and have done my own self work for a better part of 30 years. There’s been no lack of that, believe me. I could probably write a book on my own mental health status, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will never be triggered. 

relationships are the one area that I seem the most prone to triggering, and it also seems to be the most troubling area, and pretty much has always been that way.  

I think one of the reasons that I look for particular kinds of ladies, and also why the ones that I have found over the last bunch of years have not worked out, it’s because I’m trying to find someone with less drama, so the situation won’t be as triggering… But that hasn’t happened. Each of my last three relationships have been based on anxiety and drama, and I’m so done with that. Yet, there are many that would likely feel being with me has more drama than they are willing to accept… Which is why I think I would be better off with somebody that struggles a little bit, rather than someone to seemingly has all their crap together and is highly focused. 

But one never knows, who knows it that’s exactly what I need… 🙂

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would advise against trying to get her to message you while she's away. You haven't even seen her in person one time. Messaging while traveling is a "relationship" thing, not something that people who have never even met would be likely to do. Please don't push for relationship type behaviors right off the bat. That would come across as presumptuous, IMO. 

Also, if she's a doctor it's highly unlikely she'll have all day to text back and forth. Most doctors are very busy during their workdays. 

What "chatty" things are you thinking of trying? She said meeting for coffee sounded like a good idea, so why not agree to that and suggest a place to meet? It didn't seem to me like she was asking you to message her more, but more like she's on board with actually meeting. 

Good advice… 

So, I got busy last night and forgot to reply, but that seems to be the status quo for both of us. 24 hours.

You guys think I shouldn’t be too chatty this time around. Should I ask no further questions? Other than what might be related to when and where we meet up?

Initially, I was going to ask her where in Florida she is going, and what kind of things she will do when she gets there… Etc. Let that stuff go?

As mentioned before, I do like bantering. Since there is nobody around for a good chunk of my day, and I have no social life, texting back-and-forth is just a natural form of interaction for me. I befriended quite a few ladies through text banter, and I find it fun!   These particular ladies liked it, also.

I do know it’s not for everybody.  I also don’t feel that I expect it. I would be disappointed if somebody didn’t like to banter through text here and there, and I don’t really understand why some don’t like to do it, other than they might be really busy, but that’s up to them.  I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker one way or the other, as long as I feel their attention and energy coming from somewhere else.

I think it was Bat that made a good point earlier… about me needing a certain kind of interaction, or feedback, from a partner to feel valued. That is true. I do need validating attention fairly often. I’m getting better at not needing that, but I think it comes from years and years of being overtly and subtly invalidated by so many people, going right back to my youth. I think that’s where the trauma trigger comes from. 

I think somebody might’ve also inferred that if I have these triggers, maybe it’s not the best time to find a relationship. I have had these triggers my entire life, I’m not going to expect myself to just sit on the sideline because I might get triggered. I think that’s unrealistic. 

Yes, my triggers have reared their ugly heads in almost every relationship I’ve had, and they have been at times destructive, but I am also fairly vocal and proactive about it, and I’m pretty good at describing to partners or friends what’s happening and why it’s happening. That may not be for all potential partners, but so be it. That’s only one small part of what I have to offer.

I do worry about that a bit with future potential partners, especially straight shooters. That’s my first red flag with this lady… If she is a hard-working professional, and has been raised to be focused, clear thinking and driven, I think the likelihood that her and I would be compatible might be fairly low. 

I think I will likely be best suited to somebody who also struggles a little bit with their sense of self, and can relate to why I am the way I am, rather than someone that will expect me to have my crap together at all times and not struggle. It would be my guess that someone at that has risen to the level of primary care physician it’s not going to have a lot of time or interest in someone who struggles with their mental health, despite other possible positive attributes.

Wouldn’t you agree?

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just for a different perspective, I consider texting all day to be a colossal waste of time. I don't want to be staring at my phone all day. And I'd wonder about a man who had that much free time to be sending messages all day long. I very much prefer in person interaction to trying to type words using the tiny letters on my phone keyboard. And I use my phone to get done what needs to be done and that's it. I don't use it to have conversations.

Is texting all day long of utmost importance to you? Is it preferable to a woman who's a great conversationalist in person? Do you require a woman to be as in to all day texting as you are?

Have you responded to her message yet?

Good questions… I’ve never really thought about whether I would be OK if somebody doesn’t text back-and-forth a lot. I would miss that. Since I am semi retired, and I am home a lot during the day, it’s kind of nice to get messages throughout the day. It makes me feel connected to the other person.

So, I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker. It’s going to come down solely to what I feel when I look into  that girls eye’s, or what we are doing and how she makes me feel and how I make her feel. I think that’s where the true chemistry lies.

No… I haven’t texted her yet… I’m thinking.  As mentioned, I tend to be chatty, and I’m not sure how she will respond to that, but she has still hung in there… so, maybe I should keep trying to be chatty?

For example… I could ask her to say “hi” while she’s away if she feels up to it… I certainly wouldn’t mind that if I was trying to catch a vibe with someone online.  

She may be a bit no nonsense, though, and may not have the headspace to want to deal with that. 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you seek out affluent women if you prefer a simpler rural lifestyle?

Affluent, to me, doesn't need to mean they live in a big house in the burbs.  Lots of affluent folks like to live a bit more of a "deliberate" or earthy crunchy lifestyle.  That's my take on it.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does she feel sorry for you? What are you sharing with her?

I told her I travelled out of town for my dad's funeral.  

I wondered if that was TMI for so soon.  

Thanks, everyone.

I totally get what you are all saying.  I get triggered when there's evidence of ghosting or being blown off.  I've been that way most of my life.  It's an abandonment trauma trigger.  I'm soooo much better than I was only a handful of years ago.  I'm not lost with all of this, but not feeling what I feel is not quite so easy.  Managing it is getting better. 

One of the reasons I do get so anxious is because I have very few opportunities to encounter nice ladies, so when I do, I get anxious that it's going to float away, as it always seems to.  So... I grasp at every straw.   I think it's completely understandable, for those of us that don't have a ton of opportunities as such.  

I do know I'm trying to pidgeon hole this lady already... looking for reasons that she might not be "the one"... but I do know that I'll never know until I spend some time with this lady and see how things go.

So... I keep it brief with my reply?  

BTW... I love message banter.  I could do it almost all day long with a nice girl.  ALL DAY LONG!  I don't have lots of social opportunities, so I take it when I get it.  Some of my most cherished times have been going on and on with someone I like within messages.  Usually, it conveys with their "real life" persona.  I find that more often than not, how someone messages is usually what I find when I meet them.  Roughly.

I tend to be a bit like my message persona.  At least I want to be.  In many ways, I'm much more who I want to be in those bantering situations.  That may be intimidating or a turn off for some ladies, though... I'm pretty wordy, as you know... and often a bit petulant... But, might it be fair to say that if my online persona makes them feel uncomfortable, that my real life one may also?  I wonder.

There’s been a development.

The online lady messaged me back… Whew… all is not dead…

At the risk of TMI, I’ll quote you what she said, mostly because I’m not trusting my instinct… I’d usually reply with lots of energy, and questions, and encouragement… but I wonder if I should play it cooler.

Here is what she said:

————

Hi, K

Sorry you have some sad affairs to take care of this week and a long journey.  

I’m headed to Florida (by plane) on Saturday to visit my sister.

Maybe we can get together for a coffee or a video chat depending on how much chaos is going on then.

Have a bearable weekend.”

————

Here are my preliminary thoughts:

- I’m certainly glad she wrote

- In her dating profile, among other descriptors, she calls herself “reserved”.  At first I thought I might be able to relate to that.  However, her messages seem a bit detached.  My messages are often very lively, inquisitive and curious.  Hers not so much.  I wonder if that’s a red flag.  Do I really think I’ll find things in common with someone who can’t find it within themselves to say, “I’m really sorry you tell me your dad passed away recently…”  Those would be the first words out of my mouth.  I suspect I’m looking for reasons to devalue her?

So… I already began to write her back in my usual upbeat manner.  Maybe I should just stick to details, or should I just be myself… and if she feels threatened or crowded, so be it?

hmmmmm…

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

You know by now it is a numbers game and putting yourself out there like you have been doing so well done there.

 Could it be the type of woman you are drawn to?  You say "Nice Ladies" but is that demeanor or looks?

If you are swinging for the fence every pitch chances are you are going to strike out a lot.

As far as any woman not answering a text or a phone call after giving out their number goes all I can say is you need to stop taking it so personally.  Look at it as the same as them saying No Thanks and nothing more.  I have been fortunate enough to have women walk up and give me their number and in almost all occasions I didn't call them because they weren't what I was looking for.  It is surprising the reactions you will get from trying to be polite and respond.  Some people do not take rejection well and lash out so she could have been trying to avoid any unpleasantness.

 Do you think you are unrealistic in your selection process? 

Do you think if you were very well off financially things would be different?

Lost

Thank you, lost.

Well, if you look at my income… and my physical appearance… and my long hair… one might say I over reach.

However, I am attracted to women who are smart, active and somewhat affluent… but they like their GQ tall good looking men.  Almost doesn’t matter how attentive or engaged they seem to be.  
 

I don’t get it.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe those people can introduce you to single ladies.  I do that for people all the time and I'm married.  Nice photos!  Your photos have very approachable/pleasant expressions!

Thank you, Bat… I think those photos display pretty clearly how I usually present myself. I don’t go over that well here, for some reason.  Boys think I’m wimpy… I’ve often been called weird.  Girls often think I’m gay.  I don’t mean that pejoratively.  Lots of people say I look and act gay.  I don’t see it, but I seem to miss so many things… 

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

If what you have been doing for 20 years is not working then why continue?  So online dating isn't working for you but that doesn't mean other forms of meeting women will not work.

 How many clubs to you belong to? Church? Volunteer? Meet Up? Hobbies?  Meeting someone while doing the things you love is an outstanding way to go about it since you automatically have something in common.

 I can see how you can be disappointed because online dating is full of disappointments for a great many people even ones that get messages sent to them frequently.

 In one of your responses you seemed to have a good attitude about the whole situation and then do a 180.  Which is it? 

 Lost

Thank you for the thoughts.

I spent the month last month playing music in a children’s musical.  Was a blast. Met many fabulous ladies.  All married to tall avoidant men who are workaholics and make tons of dough. Every. Single. One.

I volunteer once a month at a town event.  All married.  I play out with my band reasonably often.  Lots of inebriated women.  
 

Some of you may remember a story I told from about six months ago at Halloween.  My band was playing, and a nice lady came in and began dancing in front.  In between sets, I did something hugely uncharacteristic… I went over to her table and began chatting.  She seemed really friendly and responsive, so after a few minutes, I did something that I’ve never done before.  I asked for her number.  She seemed happy and gave it to me.

I texted her a few days later.  No reply.  Called her a week later… didn’t respond to my message.  Completely ghosted.  Not even the respect to say “Thank you, but no think you”.

So you wonder why I’m jaded?

Ok… against my comfort level…

I have both of these photos on my dating profile.