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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. We are both in our late 20s/early 30s. He’s a bit younger than me.
  2. Spot on—though I have to say I still hold high regard for my ex and even admire him in many ways. If I firmly believe he doesn't have much depth I wouldn't want him back in my life. As I said, I see that I myself can be immature and handle things poorly sometimes, so while there were moments when I felt disappointed by his immaturity I'm sure the opposite happened too. What makes me hopeful is that we are both honest, thoughtful individuals that can reflect on our behaviors and learn instead of just blaming one another. In that sense, I think we do meet each other on our "natural plane" if mine has a little dip here and his there. I do not blame him for wanting validation and comfort after the breakup; I did too. I was hurt because to me getting into a sexual relationship indicated that he didn't care as much, as what I could easily do if I left a partner that I no longer felt attached to. To which he said he convinced himself that he was over me at the time only to find that he wasn't. I guess deep down I still want him to love me, maybe more than he ever did before. I can't and won't force it out of him. I'm just wondering if he's capable of doing that at all. Wiseman's comment was precise but I'm not sure about its accuracy in my situation. I like philosophical debates and could well be over applying it to many aspects of my life, but at the end of the day this is a very limited subset of information about our personalities and interactions that can be described here. I like your motorcycle analogy and would say for most part nobody wants a bike that needs constant tinkering, but it also seems unrealistic (if not irresponsible) to expect the bike to not need any maintenance or repair at all. There is certainly a very subjective distinction between constant tinkering and regular maintenance, and obviously what we are facing right now is more like a major repair, but no, I didn't see our past relationship as one that needed constant tinkering, and that's not the plan for future either.
  3. Thank you all for your input! Simply writing things out seems to help me clear my mind, although I still don't have an answer and may not have one any time soon. I guess it reads like I spent a ton of time defending our non-existent "relationship" and my lack of resolve to walk away right now. I do feel very conflicted and don't know if that's something I truly want. But I'm certainly not ready to enter a relationship with him either. Since this forum is about "getting back together" I guess I was needing some advice on how it is done (of course each person has his/her own approach, but multiple perspectives are usually better than one), how to deal with the past baggage, and how to view the fact that he had another partner within such a short time of our breakup. Neither of us had an on/off relationship before, and I myself would not entertain the idea of getting back with an ex a few years ago.
  4. The point is I am still on my journey of finding a life partner (not because I'm desperate to have one right now or I can't stand being single, which seems be a default assumption toward OPs here ), and I think there can be some potential between us. And of course, because I still care for him. We are not in a relationship right now, just in the beginning stage of dating and trying to resolve the baggage from our past. I think you missed the part that we did have great satisfying sex once we got to know each other. Sex is not my priority right now, but I'm not worried about that if and when we get close enough to start a relationship again.
  5. Probably a more generic question or observation. I know personality compatibility is important but I have yet to meet someone with a personality that fits so well and never conflicts with my own. Even if there was one, it's not like our personalities will always stay the same and compatible either. Many people seem agreeable and compatible when you just meet them, but the deeper you dig the more differences emerge. I feel that's all very natural and beautiful. Certainly some differences are clearly incompatible and non-negotiable, and I would run as soon as I detect those. But there has to be a range of differences that are compatible and acceptable, no? Or one can only love and live with oneself? I actually had this conversation with a friend early on and rated the similarity of our personalities somewhere between 70-80%. Which clearly indicates many differences, but none of those seemed fatal to me, and I felt things were getting better as we learned more about each other. So I considered that to be within the acceptable range of compatibility. I was once in a relationship with someone that I felt was 90+% similar to my personality, but I ended up finding we had some deeply conflicting values so I had to call it quits. The other thing is, some of the differences can be due to different maturity levels/communication skills/relationship experiences, which can be and usually are improved over time. I am no longer the self-absorbed brat teenager I was once, not because I learned to put on a facade to conform to social expectations—I just genuinely don't feel that way anymore. Of course that took more time than a 2.5 month breakup, but he wasn't a self-absorbed brat to begin with or I wouldn't have dated him. It shouldn't require that much personality change for either of us, if any at all. I didn't expect him to change how he is or me to change how I am, but I did learn from this where I was acting immaturely in communication and was going to improve it, with or without him. He said he had also gone through those internal changes, but there is no way to prove them right away.
  6. Ouch. That stings! To be honest though, the sex was not great at all in the beginning, and I could have cut him loose right then because of that. It was because of the person that we stayed patient and navigated through the awkward stages, and over time we had become the best sex partners the other ever had (again according to him on his end). That took a hit towards the end for multiple reasons, but I didn't feel sex was what bound us together. Maybe I'm wrong, but then I should know it pretty quickly—we are not having sex right now and probably won't in the near future.
  7. Thank you, Wiseman. It did seem crazy in hindsight. Granted, there were overworking sex drives, though I'd like to think there was a lot more than just excitement. The pace at which we dashed into each other's world before having sufficient time to face and negotiate our conflicts certainly created problems, though I feel that's something not uncommon for early stage relationships...although some couples adjust and adapt better than others. In our case, it seemed a lot of the tension was created by different expectations plus poor communication skills. I didn't feel it justified the way he avoided confrontation and ended things poorly, but it is what it is. Hm, I wouldn't say either of us is particularly terrified of being alone. I have stayed single for 1.5 years before meeting this person and even longer before. I can't speak for him, but from what he told me it was pretty much the same case. We are both working professionals capable of taking care of ourselves. We probably both have some growing up to do, but neither was abusive or narcissistic therefore I don't see where the "flame" that would burn the moth to ashes was. Other than those two arguments (that led to me breaking up with him earlier and him breaking up with me in the end), we never had a conflict that we couldn't resolve in a day or two; there was no name calling, lying, controlling, cheating, or manipulating, and we always treated each other with love and respect while we were together. Of course all this is past since we broke up, and I'm trying to look at things with a new perspective right now. I feel I have learned a lot from this whole experience and can bring a better self to a future relationship. He claimed he had as well; I just don't know what evidence I need to see to be able to trust that.
  8. Very true. I'm not looking at it through the forever lens either—just saying that would be my best hope with any relationship, and in this case, I still see that possibility or I wouldn't even bother. But I certainly don't want the desire for that possibility to screw my judgment. You raised an interesting point...I do value functional relationships highly. Am I more attached to the idea of having a loving, supportive relationship more than I am attached to him? Possibly, but I don't think I have to "make it work" with him just to prove I can. I agree that it's been a rocky relationship, and the good and bad parts kinda canceled out (there were not that many turbulent moments when we were together, but the two/three breakups were probably sufficient to outweigh the highs). Right now I see us as just two imperfect persons that are still drawn to each other and slowly feeling our way toward a possible future together. It's just this recent revelation and all the subsequent feelings that made me pause and reevaluate the situation.
  9. If there were no other major issues between you besides the long distance, and as you said both of you are moving on your own terms (instead of being pushed/pressured to move to save the relationship), I don't see why a reconciliation is impossible. However, I would not hold my expectations too high if I were you. Be prepared that he might have changed and no longer resemble the person you knew. He might have a new partner in his life. He might have lost feelings for you. Or you might be able to rekindle the flame but now that the distance is removed once it gets real you may find it's not something you want after all. If you are open and fine with any of these possibilities, why not reach out to him casually or let him know on social media that you are moving to his city. He would want to catch up if he still has feelings for you.
  10. Certainly not :( Fortunately I think my self respect is mostly intact, which helped me recover from the last breakup and look at this potential reconciliation with more than a vengeful, "now is my chance to dump you" perspective. He did hurt my pride, but I don't think I'm the only one whose ego was hurt in the process. If I do take him back, it will be because I am confident that we love each other and can create a future together, not because I cannot imagine living without him or can't let go of the past. I will not sacrifice my happiness just to be with him. You are right. That's probably exactly what happened, too much too soon. We were strongly attracted to each other and got into a relationship within a couple of weeks. In two months he introduced me to his friends and family and was basically spending 6 days a week at my place (not moving in, just staying over). Of course we both enjoyed it and was madly happy at first, which made the later clashes all the more painful. He did feel moving too fast didn't do too well for us the first time and propose to take things slow (which I asked for after the previous breakup but we didn't follow through) and allow us more time and space to ease into each other's life this time. I don't know how much time will be enough though; it just felt so natural at the time. Those are very wise words, bluecastle. My description certainly painted him a certain way which perhaps didn't do him justice, but I was focusing on the dysfunctional parts of our relationship. Do you mean we "just met" in the a little over a year we've known each other, or the past month since we "met" again? Also I'm not sure I understand "some larger goal and identity you've been wrestling with" correctly... Are you thinking of goals like marriage, kids, or simply wanting to be in a relationship? Great question. I think in the long run most of us (if not all) will be okay with any kind of breakup, although some takes a bigger toll than others. In the best scenario, if we stay together for the rest of our lives, we'll still lose one another to accidental or eventual death. To love is to take the risk of loss, but I think many people will be willing to take that risk if the odds seem to be in their favor. I think I'll be fine either way, but I don't fancy the hurt and disappointment should I trust him prematurely and nothing really changed. Of course, I realize those can also come with any new person I choose to become involved in...
  11. Skeptic and Rose Mosse, thank you for your responses. I do feel a bit better today after talking with my therapist and posting here. Skeptic76 - Such was what he tried to explain. He said whatever short relationships (or non-relationships) during those 2.5 months were completely different from what we had and have now (I asked him if he was sad when breaking off with this girl. He said maybe for a day or two but it was too short to be really sad over. I reminded him that we have just started dating again for a shorter amount of time. I know I was pestering with no possibly satisfactory answer, but those were my intuitive thoughts.) He said he wanted to be with me permanently if I would let him. I trust him to be sincere at the moment but I don't know how consistent we can be over time. As you can see there was a bad track record. Rose Mosse - Indeed. I should have been more clear, though. It is not always dark and heavy since we reconnected. It was mostly lighthearted fun until this past weekend. He has been making himself very available, attentive to my needs and constantly telling me he loves me although I've made it clear I'm not on the same page right now. From what he said he had learned what went wrong and was confident and determined to fix them. Therefore I was open to the idea of a third chance. I have my doubts and reservations for obvious reasons but until this recent conversation I saw no reason of calling it off for good. We talked about the breakup and the past before but mostly in calm and mature manners, and it didn't make me feel sad like this. Actually, I thought I was prepared for any answer when the question came up - it was him that was somewhat dreading the answer. I have met and dated other people, one of which I kept seeing for a month or so, but I did not get intimate with any of them. Not because of my ex, I just didn't feel like it when I was so fresh out of a relationship. But those are my own boundaries and I do not expect my ex to act accordingly. I just didn't know hearing him saying it would make me feel so sad. But maybe that's just the trigger - what really bothers me also includes the way he handled those two breakups. Those memories weren't hurting me a month ago as I have mentally moved on and accepted the loss as a fact of life, looking forward to a future without him. But I just realized that as my affection grows again those memories have become once again hurtful, as they contradict the profound love that he claimed he's always had for me (he said he loved me when he left but didn't feel we could be happy together, and now he sees it differently and wants to do what it takes to make it work.) To further put things into perspective, he did give me a pass on something similar earlier, about 3 months into our first relationship. I "kicked him out of my apartment" (in his words) after an argument and reached out a few days later when I calmed down and realized I still wanted him. To me I was just requesting a break but he took it as a breakup. It was also clear that I was angry and emotional at the time, although it might still have been a shock to him (the argument itself was sudden and progressed quickly). We got back together right away, and I have not broken up with him since.
  12. Hello all. I'm new to this forum. Thanks in advance for your time and advice. My ex and I dated for 6 months when he suddenly sent me a text saying he wanted to break up. I was shocked as it came completely out of the blue. To me our relationship was mostly good, if not great; we had arguments, but I felt very much in love and loved at the time. Actually, only a couple of weeks ago we'd just had some candid conversation about our expectations and issues in the relationship and decided to work on those things together. He was somewhat unhappy with his job, but always told me how much he loved me and was happy to be with me. I didn't have the slightest inkling that he was planning on leaving me like this. That said, I respected his decision and let him go. His explanation was that our differences (I need emotional connection and closeness more than he does, we have different views on some political issues, etc.) had worn him out and that he had lost hope for our future. A few days later he reached out, and we met up to exchange our stuff the following weekend (we were staying at each other's place a lot) but ended up keeping them where they were. He admitted that he was acting cowardly and apologized. I let him know what he did hurt me, but I cared enough to give it another shot, with the condition that we take things slow and work on the issues he brought up. For better or worse, we didn't exactly "take things slow." It was partly because he was impatient (he was a bit upset once I stayed over but didn't want to have sex) and partly because I didn't have the resolve to know or do what was the best for us. We slipped back into the old rhythm pretty quickly. It was soon followed by my birthday and we had a nice vacation together. Since then things started to turn downhill. He became a bit distant and I was dissatisfied. After a seemingly trivial argument escalated to me telling him I don't feel loved and him saying he couldn't stand me accusing him of this and that, we sat down and had another long talk. I sensed that he might have "lost hope" again, but I tried to tell him it was normal to have ups and downs in a relationship, it doesn't mean we can't be happy together, that I still love him and I have not lost faith in him. He hugged me and said he loved me, and we fell asleep holding each other tight. The next morning he kissed me goodbye and went to work. In the afternoon I got another long text from him saying he was sorry but he didn't feel like he really wanted to stay in the relationship. I know it seems like a pattern by this point. We have dated a total of nine months. And it's been barely 2 months since he asked me for a second chance. I felt like an idiot. It was painful, but not too difficult to move on knowing he couldn't be the person I once thought he was. I returned a check for his gift. During the first 2 months after the breakup he texted me a few times, but it's been pretty brief and business like. He apologized again and said he had a good time with me. Other than that last argument, we have been pretty civil and never so much as said mean or hurtful things to each other. I had trouble eating or sleeping in the first few weeks, but by that time I have mostly recovered and started dating again. After those 2 months he started texting more frequently and eventually suggested to hang out and "catch up." We met up about 2.5 months after the breakup, first just hanging out "as friends" but within a couple of days he expressed that he still loved me and wanted to get back together. To me there was no longer much to "get back" to, which he understood, so he suggested we start dating anew and outlined a plan to build a different, stronger relationship. I realized I still liked him and enjoyed his company, more so than any of the guys I've met and dated since. I also acknowledged my own part in the breakup and felt it would be promising if we could both learn from our mistakes. So we started casually dating a few times a week. It's been another month since we started doing this. Things have been pretty decent so far - we had some great time together, and he was making an effort to change the things that lead to our breakup. I have decided not to put a "relationship" label on it and not to have sex until I am more certain about what I feel and want, and he has been supportive. We try to be open with each other and discuss every week or so about where we think things are going, what need to be addressed, etc. He is also making future plans regarding us and his career and appears committed to his effort. A couple days ago we brought up the topic of dating during the 2.5 months when we were broken up. It was not a pleasant topic, but I didn't expect it to bother me as much as it did. He admitted that he had a 6-week fling with someone that started 3 weeks after the breakup and ended 2 weeks before we reconnected again. I know he was free and single at the time and had every right to do what he did, but I couldn't help but feel what we had never meant much to him (which I should have already known) if it was that easy for him to walk away and move on. I also feel he never really had much time to experience being single and reflect on things, although he said he did and his mindset really changed. Worse still, I feel like I might be the backup plan he's turning to when his new relationship didn't work out. I know this is just my insecurities thinking, but it brings up all the feeling of hurt and betrayal during those two breakups. I gave him a second chance and only got myself a second heartbreak. Do I really want for a third? He was super apologetic and tried to reassure me, but we both knew no words could make me feel better about it right now. I have had this feeling of sadness in the back of my mind for the past 2 days. I feel letting him any further into my life will open those old wounds and undo all the healing I had struggled through, though I also see a future of us if things could really change for the better. I appreciate what he did for me in the past month and don't want to punish him for telling me the truth. I believe him that there was no cheating or micro cheating involved, or I wouldn't be so torn. My therapist suggested me hold off making a decision now and see how things go. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over these feelings, if at all possible. What do I do?
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