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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. No, not all men (or all people for that matter) stare at good looking people like an idiot and fantasize about them. And not all gfs (or bfs) who take issue with it are jealous or insecure. Trust your gut feeling when you recognize red flags. Your man sounds immature, shallow and disrespectful.
  2. Imagine yourself in his shoes. If a loving, invested bf/gf suggests a vacation but later couldn't follow through due to circumstances (finances, work, sick family members, etc.) they'd likely be very apologetic, probably incredibly disappointed as well, and they should be actively working with you or on their own to try to find an alternative solution (a cheaper destination, doing something nice at home instead, or planning the vacation at a later time). The last thing they want to do is to turn it on you, say you're pushing, or to emotionally shut down from you as if they couldn't care less about your very understandable disappointment. Look at what he's doing and you have your answer.
  3. It's only been a month and still the time where you are getting to know each other and if you get along. If being with him already feels boring and disconnected, he may simply not be a good match. I don't think introverts necessarily have little interest in talking with their partners.
  4. Just curious. If the relationship was so passionate, deep, intense why did you cheat on her? Had that motivation and urge to be with other women disappeared later in your relationship? What were your previous breakups about? And what kind of progression were you hoping for before you finally broke up? You said that "she took the opportunity to break up" but then later claimed that you initiated the breakup yourself? Not that it really matters that much though. A lot of the language you use, "beg," "plead," "chase," etc. sounds very black and white. You might have not been "begging" in your eyes but she knew what you were up to. Your very non-needy text of "how are you?" could sound to her just the same as "I still love you. Please talk to me." No one can predict what your ex will do, even her best friend. My guess based on the very limited info that you gave here is that she never really forgave you or got over the betrayal of your cheating and didn't see a future with you, hence the lack of progression in your relationship. And you probably haven't really changed in her eyes either.
  5. Honestly, if you want to date through this time I think the best option is to move out and limit your contact with mom to online, phone calls, and hanging out in her garden/front yard while keeping physical distance and/or wearing masks. If you live alone and do not expose anyone else to higher risks due to your behavior you'll probably feel a lot better about this. You might still take issue with how she's not doing what she could to protect her family though. That's her and their choice - you need to decide if you can live with that, if you all become family one day.
  6. Sorry to hear this, catscoffee. I was a fandom writer too and had my little circle of friends. It was a very special kind of relationship. At the time we were very close and it felt really good to have someone to talk to about this part of my life where none of my real life friends would even understand. But those friendships rarely last. Over time people drift apart, get into other, different fandoms, or just stop reading/writing fandom altogether. I myself sadly was the one to drift away when life changes got in the way and I stopped writing. Over the past few years a couple of the old friends reached out to me randomly and I was always very happy to hear from them, we would talk for hours and maybe keep texting back and forth during a couple of days to weeks, but that was pretty much it as we all know I wasn't gonna go back into the fandom world anytime soon. I do miss those days and friends every so often but my lifestyle and priorities are simply different now. It wasn't personal and people are generally understanding. Enjoy your fandom while you still do and just make new friends as they join. Perhaps also reconsider the balance between pen pals and real life friends so you wont rely too much on your fandom circle for friendship. Good luck!
  7. I would be afraid too if I were you. If I live with my parents in no way will I expose them to higher risk with discretionary social contacts. This pandemic has revealed a lot of differences in values among my friends. Some of them do not care in the least for social distancing and just go out and hang out as much as they can. Many of them are wary but still happy to party again once things started to reopen. I am a lot more cautious and try to do things virtually whenever possible. I've had to turn down many invites to birthday parties, BBQs, picnics, etc. and could have lost quite a few friends in the process. I am really glad that my bf and I are pretty much on the same page about this as if he was more like one of my carefree friends, it would have been a deal breaker. It is sad but differences like this can be too significant to live with in a relationship. I didn't get the impression from your post that you were mostly enjoying the chase and got bored once she became too available. On the contrary, it seems like your interest fizzled out due to a long-distance like situation. Not every couple deals with distance well, especially since you haven't been together for very long before it started. It may be salvageable when the distance is removed, but given that you don't really feel the urge to and your concerns regarding the virus, it might be best to end things for now and maybe reconnect after the pandemic if you both want to.
  8. So sorry about all you've been through. Hugs. It might be the tones but if you both heard attack from seemingly innocuous questions/comments such as "don't you need to feed the dog?" "It's not time yet" etc there's been a great deal of resentment built up. The steam was looking for a way out and basically anything could trigger a nuclear reaction. It could be that you two are just too incompatible and it has reached the point where anything you do simply irritates each other. No one should live in a state of constantly being berated and criticized, not by their partners, be it two days or two months.
  9. Do you have a strong preference for women of your own ethnicity, or do you mostly date locals?
  10. Did he say what he had doubts about? Was he still holding a grudge for your refusal to cosign with him?
  11. If having sex more often than once a week is definitely required for you to feel you're not living a boring life... it might be worthwhile to explore if anything else in your life makes you feel excited and fulfilled, or in your words, "alive." I love sex but I would be worried if sex is the only thing that makes my life not boring. By that point you become a slave of your sexual desire, instead of the master of it. If that's how you feel then you'll probably find only sex addicts who feel the same way about sex as you, which I'm sure there are plenty on this planet.
  12. Sex drive can change for all sorts of reasons. Not necessarily in one direction either. Sometimes people have lower sex drive for a period and later it bounces back. I for one am feeling less sexual in the past few months due to what's happening around us. It's not that I no longer find my bf desirable or want to have sex, but the sadness and stress is really messing with my mood a lot of the time. It's certainly much easier to get aroused when life is more carefree. Of course, incompatibility or other issues in relationship can also diminish the desire for sex with a certain partner. Then the lack of sex would be a symptom of bigger problems. But if the relationship is otherwise good, most people don't treat sex as the center of their life such that if they can't have sex exactly when and how they want it their world is falling apart. It would be nice that the two partners' sex drive always exactly match with one another, but more likely there would be times where one person wants to have sex more than their partner. You said you love her way more than you love sex - if that's the case, most people find ways to release in other ways (not cheating, unless you are in an open relationship) and work together to maximize mutual satisfaction and minimize sexual frustration. Does it help if you get intimate in other ways than penetrative sex? Do you feel she's not showing enough affection physically or verbally?
  13. A friend or acquaintance could easily do the same. Nothing weird about that. Obviously he does care about you but from what you describe it doesn't seem to indicate romantic interest or anything deeper than common courtesy.
  14. If he needs your help with tips on saving money, keeping a budget, etc., he would have asked. There are also resources online or offered at school/work for free on how to manage your finances. If he keeps complaining but makes no effort to change his situation, then you know he doesn't really want to save or move out. You can't force him to change unfortunately, but you can decide if this is a man you want to be with in the long term.
  15. It sounds like you and your family are more level headed and acknowledge it takes two in a relationship, while he and his mom only want to lay the blame on you. I know it is extremely hard to let go at the moment but you probably dodged a bullet. I would refrain from thinking that it was all his mother's doing. If an adult man let other people affect his relationship decisions it's usually because he wants to be affected that way.
  16. Stay strong. This is a tough time and the pandemic can amplify the feelings of loneliness and sadness. But all this shall pass. Find little ways to make yourself happy. Talk to your friend and family regularly and join some local club/group if you can. Take it one day at a time.
  17. You both don't want the same things and this is a temporary relationship with no future. Don't wait to see if he can change his mind. There is nothing wrong with seeing deal breakers and get out early on. Do you want a sexless relationship?
  18. While it sounds like your bf is hyper focused on you and your mental health, if you are "incredibly depressed" it would be incredibly hard to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship. We are social animals and it is hard not to be affected by the mood of someone you are so close to. Would a relationship work if you both can keep some distance and/or only share a positive facade, even if you are deeply unhappy inside? Perhaps, but I would address the mental health issues first, whether you stay with him or not.
  19. My point is nobody can be, or should be, that "serious" before even meeting you. He could have had a sincere intention to meet and get to know you, but if the other person isn't interested people usually lose interest right there and then. If a person is all "serious" and keeps chasing a dating app match they haven't even met, they are likely delusional and attached to a fictional idea they build in their head instead of the person they are chasing because they know close to nothing about that person.
  20. Dating apps are like that. Maybe 1 in 10 of the profiles look like a sincere and decent person and 1 in 10 of those might end up in a date. Then again 1 in 10 of those you meet might actually lead somewhere. So before you even meet there is at best 1% chance at something more meaningful than just a match on a dating app. People get tons of matches and they don't have months and months to invest in such a slim chance with a single match. Why do you put so much significance on this match when it seems obvious neither of you were that interested in meeting up?
  21. Why is this good enough for you? That he wasn't 100% a jerk and SOME of his words were honest? Even the most cold blooded criminals have some soft moments. Please, write down all the crappy ways he treated you and stick it somewhere you can see everyday. Read it over whenever you hear that little noise "Did I make a mistake?" Then say aloud, no, you didn't make a mistake. Good riddance!
  22. I think it was a combination of reinforcing self confidence and reassessing the new relationship. Undeniably, part of the initial hurt came from disbelief that someone who claimed to be deeply in love with you could be soon involved with someone else after the breakup, which led me to question his love and his motives. Part of me also felt like the reconciliation was maybe a "second best option" on his part since it didn't work out with the new girls. When I put the insecurities aside, however, I could see that was most likely not true. I myself wouldn't have been open to the idea of reconciliation if one of my new dates "worked out," but that didn't make him a "second best option" for me. Getting back together was not an easy option for either of us to fall back on. We both made probably more effort than we would have for a relationship with someone new. We made the choice and put in the effort because we wanted to be with each other more than anybody else. I also feel our current relationship is better than ever as we have learned more about each other and what the other person needs in a relationship. But most importantly, I think it is the realization that I would be fine walking away if it doesn't work out eventually. I know I have high standards so it doesn't really make sense for him to "settle" with me if he doesn't love me. I am also a very sensitive person so I could easily tell if his heart is elsewhere and wouldn't settle with someone like that either. So I no longer fret about the other women and whether he liked them more, etc. I don't even remember some of the names of the guys I dated back then.
  23. I mentioned somewhat similar experience in your previous post, although we weren't married and only together for a year (1.5 years now). Actually that was the reason I first came here I think. I did discuss it with my therapist, and I think the most helpful comment from her was that it was okay to feel the way I feel. It was okay to feel disappointed and betrayed even if we were technically single and I was dating also. It was also okay to not know, at the moment, what I wanted to do about it. It really felt like an insurmountable issue and pretty much the only thing I could think about in two days. I didn't know if I would ever be able to look past it, and I realized maybe we should break up for good. I came to terms with that as it couldn't possibly be worse than living in constant distress ruminating. Surprisingly, after a few tearful conversations I calmed down and a few more days later it didn't bother me anymore. Honestly I might still feel hurt when I recalled the previous breakup, but now what happened when we were not together just feels irrelevant. Accept yourself. Don't beat yourself up for "retrospective jealousy" "irrational" "you have no right to judge him as he did nothing wrong" etc. You can't and shouldn't try to shut down your own feelings. Even if you are able to temporarily suppress them, it will usually backfire. When people break up still in love with each other it can be hurtful to see that they could "move on" so soon. Especially in your case you were still legally married. Those emotional ties don't suddenly disappear even if you had a clean break with no contact. Try to understand your own feelings even if nobody else does. Allow yourself some time to feel and process those feelings fully, maybe with the help of a therapist. And if you simply can't get over it, that's fine too. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that brings you more sadness than joy, don't you think? My bf was also hurt by something I did back then (he only mentioned to me later) that was not wrong but made him feel unloved. I don't know how he moved past that, but apparently for now we are far more content to have each other than we could be bothered by some past dates when we were trying to move on from the breakup.
  24. Like reinventmyself, I had learned to initiate the exclusivity talk when I felt ready and the guy hadn't brought it up. I only had to do it once, and the idea was a bit scary but once I spoke up it wasn't so bad. Know that no matter how you present it (as a question, a request, or simply telling him where you are), there is the possibility of disappointment. You can say you have no expectations whatsoever, but everyone has a "desired outcome" - if you were completely indifferent about him seeing others then you wouldn't need to bring it up. I had to accept that being vulnerable and risking rejection/disappointment is unavoidable in the pursuit of love. My confidence and strength lie in knowing that even if rejection hurts, I will eventually be okay. It is much better to know whether we are on the same page, or not, than spending another few weeks or months in ambiguity and still getting hurt in the end (probably hurt worse as you are getting attached over time).
  25. I'm a bit confused regarding the "build trust again" part. Are you saying you'd like to rebuild trust with a guy who'd suggested netflix and chill for a 2nd date? You don't. If you sense that they are just after casual sex while you are not, you cut them off and move on. Many people can look like a great guy on a first date, just like many people can manage to look competent on a job interview - but they are not all that great and certainly not all right guys for you. Don't let such disappointments dishearten you and don't over generalize that all guys are like that. They are not.
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