saku

I don't come here often. I have...mixed feelings about being here. But here I am, making a topic. My life just feels really worthless. It's not that I don't put effort into bettering myself. I'm six years sober from alcohol, I overcame my fear of driving enough to get my license, and I have worked steadily for over five years. I would like to think these are good things. But there are things that still hurt. I'm not worth love and acceptance. And past experiences such as being bullied and rejected still are a struggle. And I'm in one way or another constantly being reminded of those pains and feelings of worthlessness. And i hate it as well as i hate myself for being so weak. 

Anyway, I'm sorry as this may not make sense. I'm just feeling really tired and hopeless. 

someone else wrote this...but i don't really know the meaning because i;m not good at understanding poems. can anyone tell me what it might mean?

Rampage

I walk down

up an endless maze

straight through

the door

that was meant for me

to close.

I'm told to open it

but I can't hear them

because the door is closed.

So when I keep walkin,

don't stop me,

because then,

I will close you.

no i have no right to join the "disappeared". but since we are talking about doing something aout our lives, i figure taking myself out of the equation since i am such a burden would be doing something.

and yeah suicide isn't a good thing....but evil?

why do people keep suggesting to move away? i mean i guess it were possible if i had the proper resources but even then that takes planning. that's like telling a homeless person that they're going to have free hamburger day three months in advance.

yeah well i want closure to but apparently when i say that, i'm only thinking of me me me. so what am are people going through suicide supposed to do? think about everyone elses' feelings at the expense of their own?

is that so fuglet? most people only think of themselves when they want to die? well i can assure you when i end my life, i'm going to go far far away where i won't burden anyone . what i mean is, i'm not going to kill myself where my family will find my body. in fact they will never know because i don't think i'm goig to tell them. by not telling them, there won't be a funeral. no funeral means no one has to be burdened with the cost. and before i die, i'm going to give my grandmother my kidney. so while i can;t speak for others, i'm not just thinking about my own feelings. if anything the people in my life who talk about "caring" and "God" are the ones who are into themselves.

well thanks for those words. i'm trying to keep my heart open to them as best as possible, but i have to also consider everything that has happened that hurts.

this is probably a stupid example but what if you walked into a bank and the teller immediatley sounded the alarm the moment you walk in there? i mean you weren't dong anything wrong, but the teller just decided to overeact based on her fears and feelings. well i feel like that person walking into that bank right now and before i can express my feelings, the people in my life go right for that alarm. everyone keeps telling me to "get out of myself" but in fairness, the others in my life should do the same. no, i can't make them of course, but that's why i've turned to suicide. if it's alright for people to hurt me in an unfair manner, then maybe it's okay for me to end my life. sure i have that "choice", but i guess i can't help but think about the moral part in all of this.

well...i have only 38 dollars. kind of need this money for food you see. so vacation isn't possible. but i do get what you're saying and all. i mean if i had the money, i would make an attempt to get away.

by the way, something has been bugging me for sometime....where does cyanide come from? i'm not asking so much to get some as i have always wondered its origins.

maybe....too bad i can't really go anywhere right now. thanks for the advice, sorry though.

i guess i can say one thing that has hurt me is that a really nice and christian person hates me and while this is that person's choice is seems to be based on miscommunication and having a closed heart. i can think outside the bloody box all day, but alot of people in my life still only see the negative in me. some say it doesn't matter what other people think or say and that may be true, but i don't live in this world alone...well i guess i kind of do now.

i won't be leaving any shattered hearts because as i said no one really cares. yeah see that's why i can end my life. see i'm a burden now while i'm alive. when i die, i won't be a burden anymore.

I am going to end my life...and really there isn't much turning back. I have sought out help only to have people turn their backs on me. i went a church for help, but they just belittled my problems. i went to a therpist and all she really did was treat me like a number. i was sent to the hospital after trying to end my life and basically it was nothing more than a kennel for humans. and my family doesn't care either. i mean i know they mean well, but they could care less about me right now. for awhile a counselor at school cared, but then he turned his back on me when things started to get worse. and then there is God...i know i will offend christians by saying this, but i hate God very much right now. people can say that's wrong, but what's wrong is that i tried to seek help and i of course tried to help myself, but it didn't matter at all. am i wrong to cry out for help?

i'm going to donate some money to different charities....it won't be much and i'm not doing it for recognition, it just feels right. then i'm going to get tested to donate my kidney to my granmother. she sees me as a burden as i need her help often, so this is the only way i can really repay her. after all of this, i'm leaving to go out west to maybe arizona or nevada where the desert is. then i'm ending my life.

i know alot of people come on to this site. i read the things others go through and i wish so badly i could do something. the best i can do is not belittle you guys' problems and tell you to do the best you can not to become a failure like me.

this isn't just because of some lady being rude.....the problem is that people look at me very differently. and looking at the things i got...saying at least i have health or a job (a work study job mind you) is like saying at elast a gun shot to the foot is better than one to the head. that lady isn't perfect, but if she was sitting at a desk, i wouldn't walk over to the bloody desk and start taking things. when she said what she said, she talked as if i wasn't there. i have a crap load of reasons to end my life and don't get me wrong i'm not blaming that lady or anyone else....but there actions affect me just as my actions have affected people.

the difference between me and those who hurt me is that i realized my actions hurt...they just don't care. it's stupid to be looked at in a bad way no matter what. to hell with living and changing over and over and bloody over again when none of it matters in the long run.

my feelings toward suicide has been a tug of war as of late. but the one thing that makes me feel like ending my life is the way things are for me socially. i'm just not good at opening up and fitting in....but that doesn't mean i don't bloody try. it is frustating when all you want is for someone to notice you...and they overlook you like you don't matter. someone came into this office i was in and i tried to say hi, but she just acted as if i wasn't there. she chatted with soem other people in the office which didn't bother me but as she left she said something about keeping soemthing a secret...and that it wasn't a big deal to say it out loud in the office because n one was in there. well i was....and while i know i socially suck at fitting in, i'm a human bloody human being just like her. i don't know if she's being mean on purpose, but i hate how i'm not even worth a hello.

it pisses me off that people expect me to do things that are difficult for me to do, yet no one has to even acknowledge my presense. it's nice to know no matter how good hearted i try to be, people won't care and in the end, i'd be better off dead.

i talked to her..but i held back. the only reason why i wanted to talk to her agin was to let her know that i was very sorry for telling her about my feelings about ending my life and that i now wanted her to completely forget what i said only because i no longer want to waste her time. then i had planned on hanging up only i couldn't. i'm scared because i don't want her to hate me, but i can't just act like everything is all right either. i just want her to help other people who are more deserving of it. i want to sever ties with as many people as possible and if i go through with suicide, i will make sure to do so far away from everyone and make sure my family never finds out about it. sorry, i'm a bit anxious so i apologize if my words sound too spastic and meaningless right now.

i'm sorry to keep making new posts about this but today was the last time i will see the girl that runs the bible study at school. last week i was really upset and made the mistake of revelaing my two month suicide plan (not the whole thing) she wanted to help me as much as she could but today i told her to forget about me and to forget what i said. i really wanted to tell her more...i wanted to tell her why i no longer wanted to seek counseling and at the core of why i feel hopeless is because important things in my life no longer matter. should i try to call her and tell her or would this be a waste of her time....a further waste mind you.

yeah well...that's what i am trying to do

oh and Beec, don't think for a moment i haven't tried to get "help" or deal with this hurt. you think it's easy or that meaningless...try having a truck land on your chest and then lift it off. i'm glad that i've at least tried these eight+ years to deal with my hurt and find ways to overcome it...too bad it's been all in vain. but go ahead and keep assuming i'm just crying over spilled milk.

Not if i say for her to forget me. That girl will be able to help other people who truly deserve it. And as far as suicide being selfish...yeah i've had to take that into consideration. And as much as i don't want to hurt my family or anyone else, it never seems to matter when people have hurt me. No one calls them selfish or wrong. Two months....i think giving myself two months is good enough.

this may not make sense but i'll try to say this anyway. there's this bible study thing at my school i go to...i used to go to. anyway, the girl that runs the bible study talks to me every tuesday even though i don't go to the meetings anymore. when i talked to her this week, i held back my pain and didn't want to talk about it. later that night, i called her and left a message and told her of my plan to end my life in two months. she called me but i didn't answer and she came over to where i lived. i felt bad and regret telling her how much i hurt. next week is the last time i see her and i am going to tell her to not worry about me...forget i ever existed. i've been crying alot since i've thought of going through with suicide. i no longer want to burden people and getting locked up in some hospital or as some like to call it "help" only makes that pain in my heart worse. so...that's it i guess.

yeah well...these last couple of days i have tried to accomplish a goal only to have it backfire. that's not to say i'm giving up trying....it's everything out of my control right now is pretty overwhelming.

that's why i'm doing my best to not leave a burden behind. as far as people being sad or blaming themselves if i go through with this...i doubt it. i already know i don't want a funeral or a memorial i will may find someway to donate my body to science or something. but i'm very old...age 23 and i go to school and have ambitions to which i work hard to strive for. however, it just doesn't matter. but know i will make use of these two months.

okay so here's the thing...i've decided to give myself two months before i try to kill myself. in these ttwo months i will do my best to find a better way through this. however during these months, i also am going to try to make sure i leave nothing behind as to not be a burden to those people around me (family i guess) today at work i went to the bathroom and cried and i've had a few other moments where i broke into tears. i'm not going to tell anyone this plan but i want to. yet, i know everyone is gonna give me so much crap for it without really understanding.

so...that's it i guess. not that it matters, but know that i am trying to find a way out of this pain. sorry to waste you alls time.

i had posted not too long ago that there was this girl i liked at school. i was able t go up to her and we have had a couple of brief conversations. but i find it harder to open up still. we usually see each other at this weekly social thing but today i couldn't really say much. as i was leaving through the parking lot she asked me if i was going to this social thing that was going on tonight but i told her i had a class. the problem was, i didn't have my contacts in and she kinda drove out of nowhere and i felt completley off guard. i still don't even know if she was in a relationship. i mean i asked someone but they didn't know. i may see her tomorrow and i was thinking about giving her a copy of this story i wrote. it's not a big deal or nothing, i just keep finding it hard to open up and this is the best thing i can think of at the moment. sorry if this sounded stupid...anything else i can do although i am trying the best i can.

i haven't posted in awhile so i'm sorry to come back here and do so. i recently have wanted to talk to a girl that's at this weekly social at my school every week. we talked once..kinda. i mean she came up to me and asked me a couple of stuff and then introduced herself. to be honest, i'm not good at opening up and talking to people and to top that off, i have been rejected way too much in my life. a question came up in the social group of how many people were in relationships. i knew if she had someone already i could just forget about talking to her but of course fate had it where this other girl sitting in front of me was blocking my view and i couldn't see if the girl i liked raised her hands. after the group was done, i helped clean up and i wanted to talk to her and i guess i knew what i wanted to say, i just couldn't approach her. i get another chance to see her wednesday and i would like very much to say at least hi. but i just don't have the right approach.

i still don't know if she's single or not. most people i'm around won't shut the hell up talking about having a bf/gf and i haven't heard her say anything like that. if i get to say something to her tomorrow i won't get to say much but i would like to somehow say more than hi. i know this sounds vague and possibly elementry and stupid but is there anything i could do to hopefully show her that i'd like to talk more without really saying it in those words? sorry this was so long..bye for now