Mjane

I met my guy 10 months ago. He is most definitely a potential life long partner, although I probably didn't realize that until two months ago.

He is the most promising partner I've ever had. I have a closeness with him that I've never had with anyone.

In other relationships there were always walls and there is no wall here.

I'm 37, he's two months from 38. Neither of us have ever been married. He's the best man I've ever met and I am totally entertained and fascinated by him!

So, it took all these years. But I've only been actively searching for a mate for 5 years.

If he's that closeminded, would you really want to have a relationship with him?

Since you mentioned that you have a great connection with him, leave it at that: he is a good friend, someone interesting to talk to, but nothing more. I hope you find someone else who wants to date YOU, not their religion.

Woah!

Only wanting to date someone of your own faith is not closeminded! Jeez. Louise.

If you haven't noticed, people war over faith. They kill over clashes in religion. And if you've never lived in the south, they try and convert you to their faith.

Being of different religions is a compatibility issue... and a big one.

Being of different religions will be an issue in a marriage ceremony, how the family accepts the future spouse, how you raise your kids, etc.

Since you sound fairly non-religious, it's too bad he isn't open to a woman possibly converting to his faith. You see. Jewishness is passed on through the mothers. And he can't marry a non-jew and have his kids be jewish, even if he raised them jewish.

Those are the rules of religious law.

As well, depending on what stream he is, for example the orthodox would never accept a convert, conversion might not be possible. So, why would he waste your time and break your heart.

I think it's honourable that he's been honest with you upfront!

So, the answer here is no, he won't change his mind.

I know you are kind of just looking for advice you want to hear, but what newly broken up dumpees can't see is there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It could be a reconciliation or it could be the old wonderful phrase, when one door closes, another opens.

I've been purusing these boards for years. This one and another full of women who have been ditched.

In 99 per cent of the cases, the couples don't get back together. Sorry, the numbers aren't in your favour. But that's not a bad thing.

What you don't realize is a failed or failing relationship that causes you anxiety, pain, stress and to act needy and pathetic is not a good thing.

Take this time to heal yourself, work on your issues, get your head straight and find a life of your own.

I guarantee you when you get some perspective, breath a bit, spend time with friends and relax, you'll feel more confident. What you don't realize now is there is a world out there, a world filled with millions of single, wonderful men who are just waiting to date you when you are ready.

Once you realize this isn't the end of the world, you'll start feeling better.

Good luck.

this is on the road to being just a hook up.

It's hard to start a relationship when you've already had sex and it's on the 'friends with benefits' track.

Take a step back. If you want to date him, only accept dates, no sex and no last minute 1 a.m. hook ups.

My boyfriend asked me out at the end of every date. Or he'd make plans to call me when he knew I was free to make a date.

I never thought him desperate. I assumed he knew what he wanted and was going after it. Me.

It's been 2.5 months and he still does this.

When you're looking, it won't come. It'll be there when you least expect it. but I'd suggest not looking for romance. It'll bite you when you're not expecting it.

If you believe in fate and fantasy, go with the above advice.

But if you are sick of waiting... it's all about the numbers. I have found I usually have to go out with 10-20 guys before I come accross one that I'd like to have a relationship with. It's worked out to be about one a year... So, where do you get 20 dates? Do it all. Speed dating (I did it once), Internet dating, let your friends know you will accept a set up, smile when you are cruising the bookstore, grocery store, whatever. Look inviting. Flirt with any man, old and young, to get yourself comfortable talking to strangers.

I pulled down my internet profiles last summer to just take a dating break. I had recently joined a club that is 70 per cent men. We all do a sport together. And while many were married, engaged and had girlfriends, there were plenty of single ones. I have found the best success with this club. I am currently dating a guy (third one) who I had met a couple of times through the club, but a gf from the group actually set us up! So, two of my recommendations put to work.

Take up golf, skiing, mountain biking, running, whatever. But get yourself out of the house and go to places/events where you can meet lots and lots of men. That is the key.

But calling her out on her aloofness, or game, is that not a bad idea? Makes me look desperate?

edit: if I ask her again tomorrow, and she gives same answer, im just going to walk away and tell her to forgot everything, cause then I know she's just playing around...good idea?

This is what you say, write this down.

Girl you like, I'm kind of confused about whether we are going to the prom. You didn't give me a straight answer, so I didn't think we were going together. But your mom has told my mom that we are going. So are we going? Yes or No? Because if we aren't, I want to make alternate plans.

There you go. Clear and concise and it tells this girl: give me a straight answer or I'm leaving you in the dust.

My instincts tell me she's playing it cool. But you should have a discussion with her that you feel she is sending you mixed signals. Give her specific examples and then say, we need to work on this.

Good luck.

So are you saying that guys who are HOT are usually bad for us?

Yes because it's based on physical attraction and infatuation.

If you can build a friendship/relationship with a guy you find hot before you enter into a physical realtionship, then fabulous. But I bet you they won't stick around while you wait it out.

I am leaning towards thinking that maybe us with the complex of picking and being attracted to the wrong people for us shoud start thinking of relationships more in terms of compatibility vs. wild crazy magnetic attraction.

This is totally what it's about. Breaking the cycle is hard and can be somewhat discouraging.

I'm dating a guy right now that in the past I would have ended it by now. I do not have a strong attraction to him. He's ok. We get along very well. But I'm not enthralled! And I keep telling myself give it time. And I've noticed I'm warming up to him. Our last date was so sweet. His romantic side is starting to come out, which is making him more attractive. I'm thinking about him a bit more than I used to when we are apart.

I don't find myself strongly attracted to him yet. But I hope that is coming.

I'll tell you this. I am more relaxed, less attached and mentally healthier doing it this way.

If it ended tomorrow, I'll be upset, but not devastated.

but I always attract the men that just want sex...is there just a big sign on my head that says 'F--k me!'???.

It's not how you dress, it must be how you carry yourself?

Guys who go straight for the sex are very transparent. They've got that smooth operator, touchy, feely, stuff going on. If you spot it early, you can avoid them.

I don't know about the sign on your head, but maybe you project something ?

What's your general demeanor? How did you meet this guy, online you say? Were you reserved when you met or did you come accross as a love-struck puppy?

These guys are predators indeed.

follow your instincts... if it looks, smells and senses like all he wants is sex... then that's probably what he's all about.

He's too old for you anyway. Date guys within 5 years of you.

This guy is probably totally turned on by dating a hottie who is so much younger than him. Watch out.

The true test. Go out with him once a week or so, don't get sexual, kisses fine, but nothing else. See how many weeks he'll stick around. I say he poofs after two.

Maybe it's not really attraction or chemistry, but you trying to work out old scripts from your childhood or adolescence, except trying to make the outcome what you wanted it to be, which is nearly impossible and leads to heartbreak.

No. It's not that. I've already analyzed this. I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I have met two men this year alone that I had some incredible chemistry with... but they were EU. I realized it very quickly and kept myself from becoming emotionally involved.

To a certain extent I think this is key. Reserve your emotions until you think you have a potential future rather than jumping head first into the passion and ignoring red flags.

Just being aware of the unhealthy people you are drawn to is a huge step toward changing your pattern.

I did this exercise in a relationship class last year.

My must haves:

single, wants family, marriage

Kind, considerate, reliable

intelligent, sense of humour, honest

loving, loyal, physically active

ambitious, open-minded, humble

So, I have decided to change my criteria for a little while and see if that helps. I am only dating women I am moderately attracted too. Interested in, attracted to, curious... but not blinded. If I find someone I am head over heels infatuated with, I ignore it and move on.

 

I'm thinking that one of the reasons that things don't work out with the girls that I am really attracted too is that it blinds me to red flags that I should be evaluating early in a relationship. Maybe once I can get my "red flag detector" ™ tuned up, I can take a chance again.

This is super smart!!

I have spent the past year or so trying to be very "aware" of the guys I date. It's hard to do, but I'm now dating a guy who I'm only moderately interested in. I feel bad saying that, but he's the opposite of most of the guys I've ever dated. He calls when he says he will. He seems eager to see me. It's just a nice change from trying to guess how a guy feels about me or figure out why he's not calling, etc.

This guy appears to be emotionally available, but I'm taking it very slow and hoping my feelings build. My therapist tells me this is how his relationship with his wife started. While he found her attractive, he wasn't "taken" with her initially. But as he got to know her, he fell in love.

This is what I'm hoping will happen with me!

The "instant" chemistry, attraction etc. is toxic. It's always to the wrong people. And it's best to be avoided to keep your own sanity.

I have to work in the eve. And I don't mind. It takes the pressure off anyone I'm dating to know that they don't have go all out for a hallmark holiday.

I keep getting rejected even when I think things are going fine. .

I hear ya!

Hang in there. I can't figure out why he'd be calling your attached friend. But that's a big sign that he's not interested. That and the not returning the phone call. Blow him off and move on. There are other men out there. Keep your eyes open and smile!

This guy is too confusing and problematical. Never mind what he wants

right o. these guys are the ones messing with heads because they don't have their own on straight. believe what he told you the first time. he can't have a relationship. there is nothing that says you have to be friends. it will probably help you best if you didn't pursue a friendship.

Read this thread. It will inspire you to move on.

That's an interesting perspective on Ocrob's situation Mjane. You might be right. We were all trying to figure out why she's sending mixed messages, but I hadn't thought of that.

It could just be that she's a savvy dater and protecting her heart. I mean who wants to date a guy who comes on all strong and ACTS like he wants to be with you, but keeps saying he wants nothing serious. Those kinds of mixed messages can drive anyone crazy.

I have gone NC with my ex for the last month. I really don't want to get close with anyone right now. I did meet a really cool woman that I was interested in and we have talked for a month and have seen each other two times. Both times were amazing and we were very affectionate. Although I am not ready for anything serious, I have been very persistent with her and it seems although she says everything I want to hear, she is not making the effort to see me. I have realized that if she really wants to see me, then she will.

Your message is very contradictory. You don't want anything serious, but you've met this great gal and have pursued her. She's probably not making a huge effort to see you because maybe you are sending her mixed messages. Your words say one thing, your actions say another.

Maybe this woman you liked wants a serious relationship with someone and since you've said you don't want to get close to anyone right now, why should she spend time getting to know someone who just wants casual contact?

It's just a theory I throw out there. Because I believe most women want to be in a relationship, even if they say they don't.

(HUH?!?! In total, I sent him 6 emails!!!)

Don't ever do this again. You need to maintain some dignity. If you send one or two emails and he doesn't respond. Do not keep send them. I can't tell you how desperate that makes you look. And somewhat psycho like you said. Even if you aren't that way, appearances are another thing.

he wasn't ready for a serious relationship & he feels like I want a more committed relationship than he can give me. I'm wondering if I've driven him off, or if "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" means he's just not ready for one... with me!!!

Two things here. One -- when a guy tells you he isn't ready for a relationship and that's what you want -- LISTEN TO HIM. When guys say stuff like that they mean it.

Two -- I don't think you drove him away and none of this is your fault. He wasn't into the relationship or you and you were able to pick up on it and force him to tell you (I would have done it with fewer emails).

Be glad you know this now rather than months down the road when your heart could really be broken.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

 

Sex him better. Do not leave him unattended for too long.

Give him more attention. Be more of a challenge.

BUT DO NOT CHASE HIM OR BUST HIS BALLS!

He will just keep it more secret in future.

 

DO IT CLANDESTINELY! (Look up the etymology of "seduction".)

Coach,

Don't waste your time getting offended. These types of guys are usually young, emotionally immature and lack any kind of relationship experience. I just blow them off and barely skim through the words.

Please don't get sucked into a fantasy like oh, once he gets to know me, he'll want a relationship. That's the hollywood version and we live in real life!!

In my experience, when a guy tells you something negative about himself, BELIEVE HIM, because that's exactly how he feels at that time. Yes, he may change his mind. But it could take years and years and years.

If you want a serious relationship or anything with a shred of comitment at some point, move on.

It's great that he's been honest with you. I say this guy is being genuine because a lot of guys feel the same way, but won't say anything until you are already hooked on him.

Good plan. You can always just say you are crampy and on the rag.

cold turkey. no contact. avoid this man at all costs. his violent threats may need the attention of the police. she shouldn't fear her family finding out. She's not the one that's married, although she's not innocent here. but they love her and should be able to forgiver her. She should not stay in the relationship because he's blackmailing her. She must diffuse the threats so that they have no power.

The only way to do that is to not fear the truth coming out.

it sounds like he was in it just for the sex and he didn't even have to work for it because you did the traveling and calling. I say cease contact. If he's interested in you he'll make some effort.

I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him shortly before you are due in his town. He'll probably be looking for a hook up.