angelsgal

I will do nothing for the moment and let him do the contacting but i really have to stop him if i know it is going nowhere because if all it is is friendship on his part then its not worth the pain. I pop into his mind, he calls we have a nice chat and he hangs up and doesnt think of me again for 6 weeks & in the meantime im shedding tears and analysing everything he said on the phone and he isnt giving me a second thought cos he has no intention of getting back with me. I will just be reliable old Foz who he can call when he needs to hear that someone thinks he is great and loves him no matter what. And im not going to be that fool who boosts his ego the odd time i pop into his head.

 

Good for you, Foz! I've been broken up with my ex for over 6 months (he broke up with me) and he will still call and or email me at least once a month even now! After a couple of months, I confronted him and asked him if he wanted to get back together again. He said he missed talking to me and wanted to be friends. I stopped responding because it was too painful for me. I never respond to his calls or emails anymore and am in a much better place because of it! You'll have to make your own judgment as to when you should ask him what his intentions are, but don't let these casual conversations go on forever. It will just hold you back from moving on with your life. Good luck!

 

Angel

i may have one more chat with him but i will then make it perfectly clear that i cant just be his friend and unless he has changed his mind about us there is no point being mates.

That's a great attitude to have, Foz! You definitely can't be friends with an ex that you still have feelings for. That only leads to heartache and more pain. Hang in there.....it does get better.

Although my situation is a bit different, and I know my "ex" isn't out there jumping into bed with someone new, it still makes you angry that someone you were so close and intimate with can seemingly have such little respect for you. I think back to before the breakup when we used to joke and laugh and confide in each other, and talk about how we were perfect for each other, etc., and wonder how we got from there to here. I can't figure out how someone can just say "that's enough of that" and simply move on.

Your quote really struck me, Trish! I also remember laughing, making future vacation plans (7-day cruise), and both of us confiding things in each other just HOURS before my ex broke up with me. I still can't figure out what happened (although I make guesses and get options), but fortunately I don't think about it all the time like I used to.

Just hang in there, it will get better. Believe me, it's only been four months for me, and I feel much better now than I did. I feel stronger and more in control, and feeling less like a victim. I am in charge of my life, not him.

It will be exactly 4 months for me as well and I'm also feeling much more in control of my life. But there were days when I never thought I could EVER get over my ex in spite of other people telling me that it would take time. Do you know what? It does take time, but it happens! For anyone going through a breakup....eventually you will start feeling better and feel more in control of your own life. Even if you can't see it yet, you will.

Do I still have moments of sadness? Of course! Do I still feel angry that my ex just threw our relationship away like it meant nothing to him? Definitely! But I'm moving on with my life...and am realizing that there IS someone better for me out there...I just have to be open to the possibilities and go out and find him.

My advice, dont waste time on hopes of reconciliation but leave the door open, in my opinion the only way it will work is if the person that initiated the separation has a strong desire to reconcile at a later date

I completely agree with you there! All the wishing & hoping in the world will not do you any good unless the person that initiated the breakup wants you back. And don't wait around for that to happen either! Live your life and you will heal a lot faster than if you put your life on hold for them.

To be cynical, if it is so $%£^^£ good, then why is the person leaving? If the person wants to leave its because they dont love you enough to make the sacrifice to stay, they have chosen something/someone over you and it is their choice to make but they are only making things harder by pampering your wounded soul with words to appease their own guilt

And many dumpers do exactly that! Or they throw out the "let's be friends" line and many people actually agree to it because they want to maintain a connection with their ex, not realizing how much it will hurt them in the long run (or hold them back from living their life).

Excellent points, Mazurka!

I really needed this advice...no one has given me great advice yet. I am going through a seperation...i am young and have so much to live for, but all i feel is pain. i can't eat or sleep. I just want this pain to go away. Exercise does help..i've been going to the gym the last couple days. It releaves alot of tension..but i still have no apetite. Where do i go from here? I am so scared. But thank you again for this post, very nice.

Blue Eyes,

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are going through. It takes time to get over a relationship. One of the best things to do (besides exercise - great job starting that!) is keeping busy. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, sign up for some classes. And when you're feeling down, call one of your friends and talk to them or if it's the middle of the night and you can't sleep... come to these message boards and read/post a message (or any time of the day!) Many times there is someone else who can't sleep either because they are going through the same thing, and it definitely helps knowing that there are others who feel the same way that you can talk to. Hang in there.

Angel

When you have been with someone for a long time and they say they love you and they will never find another man like you and its just issues I have to deal with by myself but I dont want back together and all the rest of it then to me it just says that the person DOES NOT want to be with you and that is what they are saying regardless of all the padding and gumff.

ITA! Same situation with me...he kept saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he still loves me, etc., yet he kept coming up with reasons why the relationship was not working. It was just excuses maybe to justify to himself why he wanted to end things. Sometimes you just have to listen to what someone is saying no matter how painful it is in order to move on with your life.

If they don't come back and I never see them again... well.. it was a nice thing while it lasted... but it didn't last for a reason. I feel good about myself again. It no longer hurts like it used to. I'm moving on.

 

That's what it feels like for me...and I'm almost there

I wish that I could get to that stage. What happens when you have to constantly see them....at least weekly if not more....and they keep hanging around you (or hovering in your general area), but won't say anything to you? I've been very successive at ignoring him, but it's so difficult! I just refuse to let him see how hurt I still am since he'll try and take advantage of me (again) and play the "let's be friends" card again.

My heart has been broken again but now i know i have to let go. i dont think being friends with him is going to help so i think i have to go back to NC..

When do the tears end???

Foz,

I'm so sorry for all the heartache you are going through. We've all been through it and it's one of the hardest things to live through. Sometimes it seems as if you can never get through a day (or even an hour!) without crying. But eventually the tears will stop....maybe not today or tomorrow since the pain of the breakup is still fresh, but one day soon, you will not want to cry anymore.

I would definitely go back to doing NC. As for being friends with him? NO WAY! Not only will seeing him will be a constant reminder that you are no longer together, but you will have to deal with him telling you about his life. You need to focus on yourself right now without having to deal with talking to him. It's self preservation.

Keep coming back to these boards and post whenever you start feeling down. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and it helps. Hang in there.

Angel

This post is even BETTER the second (and third, and fourth) time around. Anyone going through a breakup should print a copy of this post and keep it around to read whenever you start feeling depressed.

KUDOS on some excellent advice.

the only thing i will always be asking and never know is why they do it when they're the ones who left, if we had left them then fair enough they'd want to make out everything's ok and they're doing well without us, but because they've left us, why should they need to tell us how busy they are and how great they're doing, it's weird and i guess we'll never know.

ruth178 - well said again!!! And like you said, I guess we will never know why they (our exes) act like that. I guess it's like they almost want us to be hurting. like you said, they were the dumpers!! I guess we can't worry about it.

Both of you have great points! It could also be that they don't want us in their lives, but they don't want us to be happy living our life without them either especially if their life isn't so great since they broke up with us. Just my 2 cents worth.....

Things I did to heal faster:

1. Started surrounding myself w/ the opposite sex as much as possible. Friendly convo and flirting made me feel special, wanted, and appreciated again.

I've been doing this myself! After being dumped, it's amazing what having other guys flirt and show interest in you will do to improve your self-esteem. Something that I really needed to experience after my ex shot my self-confidence as a woman to H***. It's good to know that others are doing the same thing.

And besides, they are just jokes, I'm sure it only took 5 of them for him to realize it didn't mean anything.

 

Good point, Blue. I had to laugh when I read this. LOL

Thanks everyone. Yes, NC is starting NOW. Anyway, they were just jokes and none of them had any real meaning. Still, I feel like it's a bit of a setback. Nothing much I can do about it though.

Trish,

I agree with Blue on this one. Since you didn't know you were breaking NC by sending these jokes, you've maintained the NC on your end. The minute you realized what was happening, you took him name off the list.

And at least you didn't send out the life stories.

So give yourself a break, girlfriend! You've been doing GREAT for the past 4 weeks.

Angel

Here's a real simple one...no matter how bad it seems, no matter how bad it feels, no matter how hopeless you believe your life is right now...it always gets better. For proof, think back. I am quite sure there have been traumatic events in your life...ones which may have at the time seemed too much to overcome. It always got better, didn't it? Eventually? With time? Well my friends, this is just one of those times. Yes it is miserable and it is the worst...and I feel for all of you...I feel for me for having had to deal with it again...but as always...given time, everything works out. That's just life my friends.

WOW! Awesome words, Michael! There were several traumatic moments in my life and I remember thinking at the time that I wouldn't survive them. But you're right - with time, I did. And my ex breaking up with me doesn't even compare to what I went through and when I think about it that way, I do know that I will get past this too.

All of the posts in this thread have been very insightful and they definitely help.

I suggest you take a hard stance yourself and put the energy into healing.. make it about YOU! It's funny.. when I implement NC.. he is all up my behind texting me all day etc etc but when I let my guard down.. then he's seeking attention elsewhere and I dont exist.. classic commitment phobe and who needs that?? I wish you the best of luck dear! Remember it's time to be selfish and put yourself first!

That's exactly what my ex is doing to me! As soon as I implemented NC, he began calling & emailing me constantly, but once I responded, he took off running again. He's also a classic commitment phobe and you're right! I don't need that! I definitely have to put myself first, but that's hard for me since I tend to put other people's wants & needs above my own. (Part of the problem with my relationship with him). Any suggestions?

That's the thing about staying in contact with them, they never talk about what you want to, the important stuff. They'll keep it light and "friendly" which will just drive you up the wall. AND it hurts! It's not like they don't know what you want to talk about, they just pretend they don't.

ITA!! And that is what's driving me absolutely CRAZY!! It's like being on an emotional roller coaster.

The way you are feeling right now, you just need to drop any contact with him. You aren't strong enough, believe me, I'm still there. I dread...absolutely dread seeing the ex, much less being friendly with him. He can't give you what you need and want right now, let him go, at least until you've worked on yourself.

I actually have friends who are telling me that I need to confront the ex immediately and tell him to stay out of my life. They don't understand that I can't handle doing that right now. I'm glad there are people like you out there who have been through it and can understand how I'm feeling.

You were feeling stronger until he popped back into the picture and it just put you back to the beginning. You are giving him too much power over you. Take it back girl. You will feel so much better and stronger if you take control. It's tough as so many of us here know. But if it will make you feel better then do it, seeing him is not doing it for you.

Your words mean so much to me!! I do feel like I am giving him power over me and that's why doing NC is so important to me right now. I have to take that power back in order to make myself stronger for dealing with it in the future.

I'm in this vicious cycle myself and trying to be his friend when I want more is only interferring with my process to heal and find someone else worthy. Only problem is.. he wont leave me alone.. yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm about to change my phone numbers today because this simply must end once and for all! Thank you for your post it really hit home to me

Rene,

You're much stronger than I am! I caved in (gave him power over me) when I responded to his emails/calls. If I would have just stuck to my guns and maintained the NC, I wouldn't be feeling so miserable and alone right now. My problem is the battle between my head (which tells me to forget him & move on) and my heart (which tells me that there's still a chance for us). I have to find a way to get them in balance or I'll never be able to move on with my life.

Angel

I cannot understand why if 2 people love eachother, they want to split up. For me I loved her with all my heart, but she can't have felt the same if she is capable of this. Maybe once she did, but since she started her job her feelings quickly changed. It's great to know that as soon as she finds a girlie friend, she dumps me. I wouldn't be as upset if I had treated her like sh*t, but I did everything for her.

Rich,

Know that you are not alone in how you are feeling! That's one of the great things about these message boards - sharing your experiences and helping other people feel better/stronger about themselves. My ex-BF told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that didn't stop him from breaking up with me. So I'm right here with you - hang in there!

Angel

IYou guys are great - I mean its nice that even though I'm so lonely and all I can still check in at enotalone and get little messages here. It gives me some hope. That maybe there are friends out there I just have to meet them.

You've already gotten some great advice from Trish & me4ta, so I won't add any more. But definitely keep coming to these boards, it helps! You know what also helps? Helping others on these boards by sharing your own experiences and realizing that you are not alone.

Go with your gut feeling. I always figure if you are afraid to ask, you probably already know the answer.

And that's probably why I never asked the question. Sub-consciously, I know what he's going to say and I realize that I'm not ready to hear it yet so I have to get to the point where I'm strong enough to handle it. Or would it be better not to have the conversation with him at all, no matter how strong I am feeling?

Believe me, the "small talk" is much harder than never seeing him again.

I just have to keep reminding myself how I felt when he was "small talking" me, when I really wanted him to have a REAL conversation with me about our relationship.

 

Rich,

I didn't try and be friends with my ex, but I'm sure to him, it probably looked that way since I broke NC. I agree with all the posts that said it's impossible to be friends with an ex if you still have feelings for them. If my ex started telling me about some new girl he started dating, I'd probably lose it. There's no way I can handle hearing about that.

 

Angel

I don't speak to any of my exes even though we had such great times together - It just ended up being easier to not speak to each other. The hardest part of having contact is that deep down u are trying to get back together with him and, its so painful when u hear things about his life like him having another girlfriend, etc.

 

You know its gonna be rough at first - but u will appreciate having done it in the end, when u are healed. You can't possibly give yourself time to heal if u are still seeing him and talking to him all the time.

Thanks Blue! The thought of hearing about any new women in his life.....well.....that's something that I can't handle right now, and I don't want to! (I've had nightmares about it). And I know I don't want to just be friends with him when I want so much more. I want it all, or nothing. Either he wants me in his life as his GF or he stays out of my life altogether. At this time I'm not emotionally stable enough to have him tell me that he just wants to be friends, so doing NC will be much better.

KEEP THE NC GOING -HE NEEDS TIME TO MISS YOU

(HE IS TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED BY JUST BEING WITH YOU BECAUSE IT'S FUN)

 

IF YOU LET HIM CARRY ON LIKE THIS -YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM BACK

 

HE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW MISERABLE HIS LIFE IS WITHOUT YOU!!!

 

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Great points! When I first started doing NC, I was getting stronger and felt like I was moving on with my life. Then, when I saw him again for the first time since the breakup, it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks. Talk about back-pedaling. At least if I stop doing some of my normal activities for a while, I avoid him trying to make a "chance" meeting happen between us for small "friendly" talk. If he wants to have a real talk with me, then he knows where to find me.

When one person wants to get back together and the other just wants to be friends -- it DOESN'T work. You just end up getting hurt every time you see him or talk to him. The best thing to do is walk away and give them the space to see what they are missing. It's not fair to you to be expected to be there to appease their guilt or to be their friend and amuse them.

 

If it is meant to be, he will be back. Otherwise, as hard as it is, it's best to just move on. The sooner you can get through this the better. "Trying" to be friends will just drag out the pain. I know, I did it for 18 months after my breakup 7 years ago. It was awful. What a waste of time an energy. I won't let this happen again.

Trish,

I guess I stopped doing the NC before I was ready to deal with him. I did think that he wanted me back (as his GF) and that's why when he first contacted me after doing NC, I agreed to meet with him. Maybe during that first talk, I should have just asked him if he wanted me in his life as his GF or as friends only, then at least I would know one way or the other. It's hard not knowing either way, but I'm not strong enough to ask him that.

Angel