Ms. Soul Mate Dating Personality

Excerpted from
Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Rewrite Your Romantic Future
By Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D.

Ms. Soul Mate believes her purpose in life is to be in a relationship. She sees every man she dates as a potential soul mate, instead of enjoying dating and being selective about with whom she pursues a relationship. She believes that life doesn't exist outside of dating. She wants every man she dates to be "the one so she can finally stop looking. Ms. Soul Mate always wants to tie a man down and insists on a relationship or commitment. She tries to take every relationship to the next level, even if she has to drag the man kicking and screaming. Because she has difficulty finding someone new, she often believes that one of her ex-boyfriends must be her soul mate. Then she spends all of her time trying to find her way back into an old relationship that is over for good, even if she doesn't know it. If dating is like the stock market, her stock price is way too low, simply because she's always so desperate to sell herself short.

The Roles She Plays

There are several Ms. Soul Mate roles that women play in relationships, including:

Ms. Desperate. She is so desperate to settle down that she wants to believe each man is her soul mate, so she can stop looking for him.

Ms. Girlfriend. She always rushes commitment and tries to talk the man she's dating into being her boyfriend too soon.

Ms. Serial Dater. She's so busy looking for her soul mute that she goes from one man to the next. She looks for a new man before ending her relationship with the old one-she keeps the search going.

Ms. Deal Maker. She is constantly looking for ways to close the deal on a commitment. She tries to get her man to commit to a timeline for marriage or children, instead of waiting for it to happen naturally.

Just Like You

Who else is like Ms. Soul Mate? Ms. Soul Male has a lot in common with Ms. Rose-Colored Classes and Ms. Anaconda. Sometimes her search for "the one" causes her to see and hear what she wants so that she can stop looking. If it seems as if her soul mate is trying to slip away, she won't hesitate to put the squeeze on him to keep the relationship going. So if you're Ms. Soul Mate, he sure to read about Ms. Hose-Colored Classes and Ms. Anaconda for more insight into how you can change your life and relationships.

Kim's Story

After month of dating, Kim hit Michael with the "relationship talk" over dinner. She wanted to know how he fell about her and where he saw the relationship going. She told him she thought they really clicked, that they had so much in common, and (hat their relationship had marriage potential. In her mind, telling him this w as a compliment, hut inside his head sirens were going off. He couldn't believe she actually spoke the word "marriage." Is she crazy? he wondered.

Michael agreed that the past month had been great, and prior to that conversation he had every intention of continuing to date Kim. Her insistence on knowing where things were going seemed premature, however, and Michael felt like he was being forced into a committed relationship, when in his mind they still had a lot of dating left to do. He immediately lost his appetite for dinner and for Kim. At first he had thought she was cool, but now he just didn't want to be bothered.

So What?

So was Michael a jerk for letting go of a great woman, and was Kim better oil without him? Or did Kim push too hard too soon? Didn't Kim have a right to put her cards on the table? Shouldn't she have made it clear what she wanted so she didn't waste her lime?

Like many Ms. Soul Males, Kim moved too fast. She was already way too invested in Michael and believed that he was the one for her. But she needed to come to terms with the fact that she went through this same process with every man when they hit the one-month mark. She wanted to be married with children. There's nothing wrong with that. But if that was her goal, she needed to spend more time getting to know a man so that she was sure she wasn't desperately trying to snag the first man willing to take the plunge. She was so quick to want to get hitched that she made each man "the one before she had time to see his flaws and determine their real long-term compatibility. She needed to give relationships enough time to come out of the honeymoon period of the first weeks and months, to see how I hey handled disagreements, and to discover who he really was before she professed her undying love.

It's good that Kim was clear in her mind about what she wanted. She was much more likely to find the type of man who wanted to settle down if she was honest with herself and clear about what she needed. She still had to approach the dating process a bit more slowly, though, even if she was on the right path with the right person. She had to pace herself. She shouldn't have run ahead of the relationship, dragging her man kicking and screaming from behind!

Telling this story from Michael's perspective makes it a little easier to see why her aggressive strategy didn't work. She simply had no idea that he wasn't on the same page as she was. Her life revolved around him and her dreams of their future together. She incorrectly assumed that the same was true for him.

Why It Matters

When you are mistyped as Ms. Soul Mate, what are the negative consequences of believing every man you date is "the one"?

You miss out on the rest of what life has to offer. You may be getting lost in your role as a girlfriend and neglect your other roles, as well as the rest of your life. Having a lull and happy life outside of your relationship is what attracts men to you. You will be happier, healthier, and more attractive if you spend time doing more than plotting how to find a husband. You need to find out how to enjoy your life whether you marry or not.

You sell yourself short. When your goal is to find your soul mate, but you become impatient with the process, you often end up compromising on your desire to find "the one" and you end up settling for "anyone." Take your time in dating relationships, or you will end up cutting corners. Be willing to see the man you re dating for who he really is. If he isn't the right one, then be willing to continue dating different people, even if that means being alone sometimes. II you are patient, you will get the man you deserve, not just the first man willing to settle down with you.

You feel disappointed. If you settle for the first man willing lo make a commitment, you may ultimately feel disappointed within the relationship. Sometimes it isn't until alter we've rushed into a relationship that we are able to look back and realize that we were lonely or bored and that we settled down too soon just so we could be with someone. If you really want to find "the one," you have to wait for him.

You perpetuate your fear of being alone. The more you allow your life to revolve around finding a soul mate, the more you convince yourself you need one. You have to become comfortable with being single and spending time alone. You need to develop enough of a life that you see a man as the cherry on top of your sundae instead of the entire dessert. As long as you remain solely focused on being in a relationship, you will remain in fear of being alone.