LaceWing

Having one of my "frustrated" days.

I have so much pent-up frustration due to the fact I went NC pretty quick, and therefore didn't say all I wanted to say.....nonetheless, tomorrow I will feel different, because each day is different to the last.

Frustration is a far better way to feel, than feeling hurt.

day 28 - Realise he was still a stranger in many ways, but that doesn't stop me feeling that small glow of affection in my heart for him, regardless of whether or not I ever see him again.

I am forgiving you, and I want to wish good things for you.

Day 27....and my heart is pushing him out.

It doesn't hurt anymore. My ego is still bruised, and I am still frustrated I couldn't punch him or do something to reflect the hurt he caused me back onto him, but...I am letting go, moving on, whatever.

Can see what your saying destiny. I have a friend very similar, she is seriously feisty and doesn't hold back if she has something to say. I'm not going to say anyone needs to change, or that you should do this or that to have a relationship. It tends to be the case that men don't want to compete with their women. They want someone who can say no, or make it known they are not happy about something, but not at the risk of them feeling disrepected, but different guys have different thresholds. Unfortunately for me, the last guy I was involved with was weak and unable to take even the tiniest ounce of challenge.

So the only thing I will say is, maybe the man strong enough to accept your challenging and opinionated self will be the man for you.

I think a lot of people feel like that at some point destiny...I sort of feel that way, but I recognise that I do want a happy and healthy relationship. I am just using this time to get myself back to being happy and healthy so that when the time comes to try with someone new, I can better facilitate that relationship.

I am not mistrusting of men in general, just the one that hurt me.

Anyhow, its been nearly a month NC. I feel like I am saying goodbye now. I was listening to "You Lost Me" sung by Christina Aguilera...and the words just fit so well. He has lost me.

Hey each day is different...sometimes I still feel angry, other days hurt, other times sad, other times appreciative of the break from men in general...but I know I am really letting go now, and that is empowering.

My head...and my heart are at odds with each other frequently. One say's one thing, the other say's something else.

One minute I feel love and compassion toward him, and guilt for hurting him. Then an hour later my wound of hurt starts to bleed again and I remember the words he said that cut me so badly.

Anyway....I have stuck well to NC...22 days. My dignity is intact.

19!....feels like 100 days!

I appreciate the time and the space. I'm not crying my eyes out every day at this point, a fact that sort of annoys me since crying is good for release, but on the other hand it shows my emotions are stabilising, which can only be a good thing.

If I ever see him again, I want to be my usual confident, charismatic self, not a blubbering mess!

I still hold you in high-esteem. I still respect you, and think you are adorable, sexy etc. The first guy that I actually like as a package, my ideal man. However I am letting you go...at least physically. I am holding you in my heart...and a small part of me wants you again, but I need you to show some strength for once and communicate if that is to happen.

If not, then I have learnt some very valuable things, and I thank you for that.

Day 2...but this is not the first NC...my feelings/thoughts have stabilised. I realise a few things I was purposely ignoring within myself, not wanting to accept some responsibility. I know that I feel strongly about this man, maybe my feelings developed too quickly, however NC is the only way for me to go, until or unless things become clearer. I am prepared to walk away forever though, as generally I am far more comfortable and at east being single and feel no pressure. It is easier for me therefore to walk away, rather than fight...and I really don't feel like I should have to fight. Relationships don't come easy, but they shouldn't have you crying nearly every day of 2011 so far either!

I feel a lot better. Letting go of anger/victim mentality really helps ease and disperse pain. And it's true, no one has the power to emotionally hurt you unless you allow it.

P.S. How the heck have so many people been doing NC so LONG!? Its been TWO WEEKS and it feels like an eternity. I can't imagine getting to two months! Ha!

I had to do it for 5 weeks back in February/March, and it felt like an eternity. Cried every single day for those 5 weeks, and he is never going to know that. This is why I've had enough. I have been forced into NC yet again, and there has to be a line drawn in the sand.

Wanted to tell him how much he hurt me...how annoyed I am that he got involved with me again, if he knew he didn't have time for me / for a relationship. That part of my is appalled by the callousness, and that I feel like he's a stranger. Also...I miss his cat. I miss his cat more than I miss him right now. I had wanted him to never contact me again....but I couldn't do it. Part of me does not want to lose him, even though I am angry right now, upset, butt-hurt.

Day 1 (he broke NC yesterday asking how I was),

So back to square one. I feel a bit numb, still hurting slightly, and though I do sort of miss him, I need to heal and just be kind to myself and my feelings.

Day 15 -

Yesterday had the urge twice to text him to say what I think about him, and how much hurt he has caused me. But I consider my dignity and self-respect to be important....also he doesn't need it either. And part of me knows I hurt him too....so maybe I am getting what I deserve in part?

My feelings/thoughts change so much from one hour, from one day to the next, I can hardly comprehend which thoughts/opinion/feeling/perspective is the right one. So that is another reason on my list, as to why NC is necessary. I need to get my head straight....but also take a break from mentally/emotionally wearing myself out.

I previously went through 5 weeks of NC with this same person.....it was hell....I was so down, I could barely hold myself together, but I did. Then he got in touch....but now I am here again....this time it's easier because the worst part of the pain and hurt was experienced during those first 5 weeks. Now I feel I am just picking up where I left off anyway.