MrSpeed

I forgot to add, that my ex, still has photographs of us up around the house?!

Went to see my step-grandchildren yesterday and it went well. I was just myself and you know, I looked at her and didn't feel anything at all. I was there about half an hour and when I left I went to shake her hand, rather than give her a kiss. She told me to kiss her goodbye, so I did. Picking up the rest of my stuff this week and then the real NC starts.

Got to go over her place in about an hour, it's her youngest grandchild's 2nd birthday and I became Grandpa to her when she was born, so I have presents and a card for her. Her boys have nothing to do with their real father. I'm not looking forward to seeing my ex at all. Although we spoke last Tuesday, after 24 days NC, this will be the first time I've met up with her in 29 days. Not sure how I'm going to feel. Meeting a pal straight after, so that will help.

It's really weird as on Thursday I had a kind of non-religious epiphany. I suddenly felt OK about everything, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Very odd. I could see light at the end of the tunnel and realised there was life after her.

Yesterday was day 1 but it won't last long as I have to collect the rest of my stuff from her place, in the next week or 2. Then I can really go NC.

Broke NC yesterday, bad move, got very down yesterday, she was so cold towards me, only a text message and a phone call but it was like talking to a stranger. She has buried her head in the sand and I will have to actually see her in the next week or so to collect all of my stuff. Not looking forward to that. However, once I have moved everything out, then I have some kind of closure and I can go proper NC, that is at least a couple of weeks away.

I don't really know what I expected but after not talking for 24 days I thought she might be a bit warmer. She told me that she had good days and bad days and that she had often thought of contacting me but did not want to discuss, 'us'. Guess it's really over and I now have to move on and get on with my life. I know that in the 9 years we were together I changed her life, I opened her eyes to the world and spoilt her, I gave her my heart and was an easy touch. I did not deserve this.

Day 25

I have to break contact today. I need to collect the rest of my stuff from her place and need to get it done sooner rather than later. So I will be texting her in about 2 hours, don't really want to do it but I really have no choice.

Day 24

Weird day yesterday. Completely on my own for the first time since we broke. Was OK, had some moments though thinking about her, otherwise it was an interesting day.

Day 23

Had a busy day yesterday, out with good friends, quieter day today, could be a bit of a test.

Day 22

Weird day, saw her from a distance and had a little flutter but otherwise OK. That is the first time in 3 weeks I've seen her and it did feel weird.

Day 21

Bumped into her elder sister yesterday, she asked me how I was doing and I told her I was well. I asked how my ex was and she said, she's just trying to get on with things. I'm feeling OK, I definitely don't think about her as much. Got a busy weekend as well.

Day 20

Day 19 was great. Went out with a pal and painted London red! Feeling better but still do think about her, although not as much.

Day 19

Wow, nearly 3 weeks. Met with two of her boys yesterday, one of them celebrated his 21st, so we went for a couple of drinks. Didn't bring her up in conversation at all. Life is defintely getting easier and I can now see a future without her. I'm giving this 30 days and then I will have to make contact as I still have lots of stuff to pick up from her place. Then it will hit her that we are really over. She asked for space, she got it, she will not intitiate contact, too stubborn, I will have to make the final decision.

If she is happier now then we are really done, if she is still unsure, then I will finish it. I have to get on with my life and move on, have lots of plans for my future now. However, if she does want to talk through any issues and give it another go, I would have to think long and hard about it.

Day 18

Feeling OK. Had some counselling yesterday, which went fine. Still missing her but starting to feel stronger.

Day 17

Difficult. Met with two of her sons yesterday and they seem to think that we really are through, their mum is digging her heels in, they agreed we both need to sit down and talk but I'm not ready to do that just yet. They were both genuinely upset that it may finally be over. I need to be very strong in the next couple of weeks.

Day 16

Yesterday was OK. Missed her yesterday evening, as we always went out together on a Saturday night. I met up with a pal instead and we had a good laugh but my thoughts did wander back to her.

Day 15

Day 14 was great! Had a good night out with a good pal and we only mentioned my ex once, all night! A week ago that's all I would have talked about. Out today and hitting good old London town tonight. Come on boy, you can do this!!!

Day 14

Two weeks since I've seen her! Can't believe it. Am going out tomorrow, Saturday, to treat myself to a load of new clothes, something I haven't done in ages, was to busy spoiling other people.

You can do this. I really hope my ex is feeling the way you are, not in a nasty way, as this was all her choice but I hope she feels that I am less needy than I was and that will draw her back to me, who knows?

Day 13.

Rough night last night, woke up a few times thinking about her. How can she not miss me? That is how it feels, maybe she does.

Day 12

Still struggle in the evenings and the mornings but keeping busy during the day really helps. Still miss her though.

Day 11

Went out last night with some work mates and got some harsh truths from them about my ex. Gave me a lot to think about and has actually cleared my head a little, I still miss her like mad but need to keep going.

Day 10

Horrible nights sleep. Must have had about three dreams about her, we were together and holding hands, I caught her contacting the other person, we were at a family party, in a restaurant, kept waking up. This must be because of her text messages yesterday, feel down this morning.

Met with her youngest son today and we spent a few hours together. He told me that she is still missing me but she is very confused. He said that she talks about me quite a bit and all of the boys are trying to encourage her to contact me. He told me that they all really miss me and just want us to be back together. He also said that she tries really hard to see the negatives from our relationship but then ends up going on about the positives.

I was with him for about 3 hours and we had a really good time together. I got home and she texted me, she actually asked me a couple of specific questions that I had to answer and she asked me how I was. I told her I was doing fine. I wanted to speak to her and I wanted to write more in the text message but I didn't. Kept it short and sweet. Nine days without contact from me.

Oh Mr Speed, thanks for that! Well done about your restaurant encounter, that's a milestone x

It was difficult but I got through it OK, so much so, that I'm going back next week!

yeah it happens sometime that due to anger and getting boar of same routine you think that you have lost feelings for your partner and you fell out of love but when you spend time apart you realize that you miss them and still love them isnt it?

Absolutely.