PaleSeptember

I hate you right now. And I hate I cried because of you for the first time in weeks tonight. I hate that I felt what I said was mean to you. But why should I care? YOU DUMPED ME. Yeah, you want to be friends, like real friends that still hang out. And lots of dumped people would like to at least have just that. But guess what, I don't want to be 'friends'. Why should I settle for second best? When I don't care about you anymore, that's when we can be friends. But don't hold your breath. Just because when I stop caring about you, doesn't mean I'll want to have s*** to do with you anymore.

Wish I were cuddling with you right now.

It's good that he replied, I guess!

 

I'm close to texting him...ugh. I shouldn't...

Yep we texted back and forth a few more times, talking about light and friendly stuff, I mentioned a new hobby I'm up to. Said he'd like to see me do it sometime, I told him you bet. I'm going back to NC though. I've really been missing him, and now I feel better for having talked to him, but it's not good that I can't feel better without having to talk to him. So NC really is the best option (I have neediness issues, all that fun stuff)

I broke it. I called his work to ask a work related question, had to. Then I sent a text asking how he is. He responded a couple of minutes later, said he was good, asked me how I am. I responded in like. I kind of want to send a text suggesting perhaps we could meet up in a few weeks.

For some reason tonight is harder than it has been lately. Good memories kept creeping into my thoughts today. Cried a bit ago. It's been a week since I heard his voice.

Someone stop me from contacting him, please!

Don't do it! You'll regret it! This feeling will pass.

I just realized that today I smiled for the first time thinking about you, about us, since the break up. I was remembering a silly inside joke of ours, and it made me laugh and smile.

It's starting to become prominent I care WAY too much what he thinks. I always have due to insecurities, but this is ridiculous. I saw him online (unblocked him) and I wanted to know where he was getting internet connection, he doesn't have one at home (I didn't ask, just to be clear), but really, why should I care? Regardless if I want to be with him, or not, if he wants to come back to me, or not, why would I care about something like that? Even if we were still together, why would that freaking matter? NC is giving a chance to really observe things about myself, this is good.

It's almost been a week since I spoke to him last, the longest I've gone without seeing or talking to him since we met. It's weird and it's sad, but it does make things easier.

You would be proud of the changes I am making.

It's getting easier not being around you, I didn't even feel any pain today. Of course, the feelings are still there. The loving you, that feeling that warm fuzzy feeling, I'm not dulling feelings. You've still been on my mind, although in the back of it. I still want to be around you. Yet, it wasn't painful to feel things today, I didn't feel like my heart was wrenching, and it's not because I'm still hoping you'll change your mind. And I'm not taking solace in knowing you'll be there in my life in the future, as I know I'll get to a crossroads where I will decide if I want you in my life or not (that's if you still want to be in mine). It's freeing. I've actually told myself a lot today, "It's over. Move on". At least now I know for sure it wasn't only neediness after all (a lot of times I questioned if I really loved you or if it were just codependency, I never told you that). I'm also accepting that even if we were still together, it would blow up eventually due to the issues I brought to the relationship, regardless of anything else. I needed this break. I'm sorry I didn't work on those issues when we were together, but I'm starting to realize I probably couldn't have began fixing them while in a relationship with someone else.

Woke up to thinking about you but it wasn't nearly as bad yesterday.

Ok, it's only Day 1 and I already feel like I want to ask him if this break up is what he really wants, that I don't see why we can't work on things, etc. I'm the one who said "no contact" but ever since I told him that yesterday, I'm wanting to contact him. ](*,) For the last two weeks I have missed him and wanted to be with him, but haven't felt desperate call him up and say such things! Ah! Hope I can be strong.

Leave it. Your point is still the same. I think you are trying to rationalize yourself out of NC, lol. I know those tricks when I see them No Contact doesn't ever need an explanation or an agreement- it speaks for itself, and loud and clear at that!

Too late! haha. I ended up doing it. I called him while he was watching a movie. He sounded nonchalant. After getting off the phone I sent a text saying it's nice he's moved on so quickly. Then I sent one saying I apologize, I just didn't expect the aloof tone. Didn't hear anything back. Knowing him, he probably saw that as pathetic. Not like it really matters anymore. NC day one! ((sigh)) It would be easier to get through this if he weren't on my mind so much, on my mind every time I wake up.

This hurts so much. I hate you, I ****ing hate you right now. I hate you for making me feel this way.

Ok I technically started NC only earlier this night, but I initiated it through online means (chat and messaging). I asked him not to contact me unless he's interested in reconciliation. However, I feel bad that I did this online and not in person or on the phone. I feel like I ought to call him and talk briefly about it instead. What do you think of this?

Why do you keep wanting to do things like normal with me, hang out with me like we always did? Make gestures to show you're thinking of me, like wanting to bring me dinner to work? I don't get it. You dumped me, don't you know those things hurt, and makes me confused?

At this moment I feel like piece of trash thrown away.

Are you still missing me? Are you beginning to lose feelings for me? Do you find the days starting to pass by more easily? Do you feel like you can breathe, getting that space you wanted?

I hope you find what you need.

I'm crying for real for the first time since the night you broke up with me. It's not even that I need you, I just love you and miss you, and I started feeling that ache of not having you in my life anymore. I'm pulling myself out of it right now at this moment, though, because I'm not going to sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself.

...........

I love you, I care about you, but I'm not going to provide you with companionship. What did you expect? I know you say you don't want to lose me in your life but you're ok with if that's what I need, as if you have any say in it, but I know you're missing the hell out of me.