Angelaa

This time last year we were so in love. I sit here and feel like it happened overnight... it really didn't but it feels like it. You're gone. I love you but you are so far gone now.

oh my god oh my god I didnt ever think it would hurt this bad I thought I was getting better. I can't believe you ended up being this way I can't breathe I can't eat its unbearable. I need help.

wrote out some emails to you then deleted them. thank god. i have lied to you so much in the past 2 months playing head games. im sorry for that.

i misss youu.

I hate how I put you on this stupid pedestal after everything.. when really I have only found out how much of a COMPLETE LOSER you were the whole time, manipulating, cheating, lieing, deceiving, rude, ugly, boring, lowlife LOSER. This whole city thinks you are an IDIOT. And here I am selectively remembering only the good things. ughh silly brain.

I dont get why you never answered my last emails... even from your perspective I don't get it. I hate that there was no closure with us. I went to the first spot I met you today to try and find it and it just all felt so grey and our story had so much more of a bitter ending than I expected. I know you don't deserve this but I'm sorry for doubting our love at times. I truly am. I am completely in love with you. Always have been and I will continue to be for a very long time.

I will miss you forever.

I am treating this a lot like a diary so SORRY IF I RAMBLE ON

OK no contact starting tomorrow! This will be VERY hard for me I live in a pretty small town and will inevitably hear about the people/things he is doing. Especially with pretty much the same groups of friends. I don't go digging but it does come up. I loved him so much and he is a guy with two sides. He admits it is easier being who he is now (a lier, a cheater) than who he once really was... he needs to truly grow up which at this point im doubting may ever happen. ANYWAYS the point is he is NOT who I fell in love with and made him out to be so I need to stop contacting him. I have been going crazy with the texts and calls and going to his place lately ( I KNOW ITS EMBARRASSING ). And it has only hurt me more. So tomorrow is a new day. Last time we talked was a few days ago. It felt horrible I still love what we once had and he is pretty well on his way to being over it.. SO I know it is definitely for the better that I start NC. I am soooo scared and more upset in the last 3 days than I have EVER been about the breakup which basically was dragged out until a little while ago. I believe that because he was cheating he obviously wasn't as attached as I was so this has and will always be harder for me. I do not regret anything and I am looking forward to the stronger/happier and all around better person I will become through this loss. I have had my focus on him for 8 years now. Time to look ahead. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

I think I just ruined everything by being so obsessive. Probably for the better that I pushed you this far away though. I could never be with you again that is the bottom line. I love you though, it's fading but not gone yet. We will always be those two people and I am actually excited to see you a year from now. Ill miss you forever.

Starting nc over again today. Miss you already. This sucks because I know this time you won't text me after a couple days This is really it and I never had much closure. Oh well... I love you more than anything.

SO let me get this straight you tell me I "deserve better" than you (LOL oh ok.) and when I tell you I like someone else you get angry... the first spark of emotion I have seen since it was over... your maturity is really overwhelming at this point

i fail at nc all the time HAHA im dumb

and sometimes i feel like im going no contact just to get your attention.. so really is it even helping i dont know anymore

OMG you put me through hell and did HORRIBLE things to me and I shut you down today and I feel bad!?!? I want to text you and tell you i didnt mean it because i want you to keep trying.. but i KNOW its wrong. I might cave.........

OMG seeing you today was SO bad, I am recapping everything I did and said and what you did I dont know why, you even saw 2 guys come hit on my friend and I, that didnt bother you!? ouch... I miss you like hell tonight, wish I could cuddle with you and talk about our days. I love you still.

HEY EVERYONE ADVICE PLEASE!

So I am doing NC. It is weird though because we are on "ok" terms in his minds cause I didnt want him to know I was still so upset. So anyways he msgs me and stuff and I feel like ignoring him is more of a statement almost... like im just being stubborn. Basically last week when he first completely gave me closure i freaked out and said no i need to talk to you about it. but now i see that isnt a good idea and dont want to. i know i still have an effect on him just out of habit because its been 12 hours of not talking and hes saying i shouldnt ignore him and asking when i want to talk? should i respond quickly? or nothing at all? thanks guys!

miss you. wish you were here snuggling with the cat and i, she misses you too.

ok its a new month and im starting nc. UGH. here i go. my first goal is 20 days.

it hurts too much.

you want to talk about if there is still a chance today. It feels good that it is up to me... but bad that no matter what, I know I have to say no... I have to end our little texts here and there.. because you cheated and I can't take that away. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done to say this is really it. But it has to be done talk to you soon.

UGHH I WANT TO TEXT YOUUUU. PLEASE don't go to the bar tonight, I can't stand to see you it will throw me so far back, and I don't think it will do the same for you... i love you I wish you never cheated and lied. I wish you were who everyone thought you were. I would have been with you forever..

And I love you be safe this weekend please dont sleep with other girls.. please miss me... please text me

I dont want to go to sleep right now because I dream of you EVERY night and wake up in agony again. Frig

The only reason I am somewhat ok right now is because you tell me you still love me and want to be with me... but I know this will stop soon... and I'll be lost. Please don't stop loving me

Here I am again, whatever at least I'm not actually texting YOU. The funny thing is... I KNOW for a fact that you would text me in at MOST 2 days if I ignored you... and yet... I still can't. I just want to say that the anger is taking over the sadness right now... it switches back and forth... and I want to thank you for giving me 2 years of memories that hurt because you slept with 2 girls while we were dating that I never knew about. How did you even have the time? How the @&*% didn't I know?! We were together almost every day. I can't believe you did this... I actually can't believe it. First of all, you were SO lucky to have a girl like me.. Im not over confidant but everyone else agrees. I saved you from the worst time in your life you told me that too every day. And what did you leave me with? A health problem and a lot of pain and anger... NOT TO MENTION she was absolutely positively disgusting. Once again not trying to be conceited but she doesn't even compare to me. I just simply don't understand how you do what you do. How you lie and lie and lie. How you actually sleep with another person with no remorse. How it doesnt KILL you like it kills me that you threw EVERYTHING away for what? For that one experience. I just.. dont.. get it. And I need answers... and I want to text you for answers... but you wont give me any because you dont HAVE ANY. WHYYYYY do I keep checking my phone every 2 seconds to see if you have said something. Please something out there STOP ME.