doesitmatter30

I'm extremely tired

Of being wired

With all this ****

When I get bit,

Want to be rid of it

To soon, not yet

Years of waiting left

Those years have great heft,

I just want to die

Tell them all goodbye

Goto heaven or nothing

Dammit just do something,

Im tired and sore

This lifes a bore

I want more for myself

Ended up by myself

All alone

Got damn boned,

im so ****ed

This ear got shucked

I cant cry

I cant lie

I cant die

Music is my only friend

Itll be with me till the end,

God im glad theres music

Makes some stuff less useless.

Though sad it may be

This is all me,

Will somebody ever love me

Will somebody ever care

My guess is no

I need to go,

Go where

There

There

There

Nope here is where I must stay

Im trapped; kept at bay

I feel so hopeless

The hole has no bottom

I always feel lonely and rotten,

I feel like a run away train

Everythings a drain

My life is ****ed; put on hold

Think my balls are growing mold

This world had no true gold

No matter what, no matter how bold

I just feel old

And worn out

To tired to shout,

So here I lay me down to take it

Maybe ill luck out

Maybe I wont make it,

I really do want to live

But my souls run out of me like a sieve

I have lots of holes

Searching for a lonely shoal,

Theres none to be found

Problems compound

Things get worse

With every verse

Why do I keep typing

Why do I keep thinking

Cuz I keep smelling the world

Stinking,

It burns my soul

Hurts my heart

Damages my self confidence

Puts me on defense

Pain makes me wince,

Trying to dull the pain

Trying to calm my brain

Going down the drain

Crashing like a plane

Wish I never came

My soul hurts, got a band-aid ma'am?

Letting go of the expecations is the crap part.... What sucks it that everybody else gets compared to that, before it ever gets to the point you can get to that point with someone else. 8 years now, and it seems i dont click with anyone else. At least I had something one time.

I did when I found out people did that, and then thought of it during a self destructive phase one night.

Not a poem, but I think this is a good spot for it. Missing that First/True Love; Thoughts of her don't leave me no matter what happens, or who I'm with and I cannot get away. I don't really need advice, I just wanted to post this somewhere. Thanks!

Why, you may ask?

I miss having a best friend of the opposite sex to joke, flirt and play around with. I miss having someone I can completely let go with and be myself. I don't trust easily so I miss being able to spend time with the one person I do trust. I miss having someone around I can be silly and goofy with and reciprocates with neither of us judging the other. There's a lot to be said about being totally accepted, and it's bloody rare. I miss having the best friend I ever had. A girlfriends great to have and so's a best friend. If you combine the two though, it's undescribable. She is such a gift to my life and really taught me how to love another person, being as slow as I am. It's cherished memories that outweigh the bad ones. I never had that before and now I know I need that confidant. It gives a worldly kind of confidence you can't get on your own. There was also the intense companionship. Having somebody to talk to about anything without fear cannot be compared to anything else. I also miss the physical connection. Sex is wonderful but the touches, caresses, KISSES and cuddles put it over the top. Not to mention all the sweet little things whispered in those situations. Waking up each morning and hating work because I'd rather stay in bed with her and keep warm.

Missing her because nothing has ever made me feel so loved and special in my life. Who else can you tell your fantasies to and know it's ok, whatever they may be. Who else will be likely to try them out with you to make you even happier. I miss having what seemed like a psychic connection to her, ya know where we knew what the other was thinking without saying a word. All in a look. I like to believe it was and I miss it terribly. I miss feeling wanted, needed and loved and knowing for a fact it's for real. I miss being able to tell how I really feel and I can't tell anybody else how I truly feel because then most of them leave, but she stuck with me. I miss smiles. I really miss HUGS and those "looks". I miss waking up at night after a bad dream and going right back to sleep because I have loving warmth to snuggle up to for safety and comfort. Saftey and comfort.. I miss that vanilla SMELL. I miss THAT laugh. I miss having contact. I miss touch, feeling warm. I miss watching movies I didn't like even though I really liked em. I miss having someone to dote on. I miss having someone to give my love to. I miss feeling spiritually connected to anything or anyone. I miss the long slow love making that took hours and was bliss. I miss the spontanious sex that was exilirating. I miss love. I miss there being someone who could instantly make me feel better. who could wipe those tears away without much effort on her part. I miss making someone else feel that way too.

I miss the smiles and grins and playfulness. I miss playing with and tugging on her hair ever so lightly. I miss the hidden person in me coming out and seeing the hidden person in her; the one no one else EVER sees. I miss feeling her have release. I miss seeing that face. I miss all the faces. I miss all the hopes and dreams that used to be and seemed so truly doable. Because I must be different and "feel" a little more emotional than most, since the hurt never did rival the peak of love. I miss my family (her). I miss christmas meaning anything. I miss valentines and easter being fun. I miss my birthday mattering to someone. I miss the best of life. I miss anything being possible. I miss her making things go easier without trying to. I miss having support. i miss that time in my life. I miss her and all that implies. I miss being thought of. I miss being missed. I miss doing the mundane things together and them not being as lame as they should be. I miss the taste. I miss the WARMTH. I miss the HEAT. I miss her laying on me on the couch watching tv going to sleep. I miss all the firsts. I miss the innocence there was. I miss the sleep. I miss the dreams of being awake and together. I miss arguing over dumb stuff and then making up for it. I miss having reason to hurry home. I miss passion. I miss having a home. I miss going home. I miss first true love.

You never forget your first love because you went into it with no fears and no expectations. Every relationship that follows has expectations and fears. The expectations make you selfish. Selfishness and Expectations are what ruins everything. Letting go is to let go of your expectations and selfishness.