vertigoxo

I miss you. I admit it. I think a part of me still loves you and wonders about you. But, as logic dictates, that still isn't enough to get back together with you. I am so sad that it had to end this way, and I cried last night over the memories we've both shared. It's horrible to think that I cannot make those new memories with you, how beautiful they would have been, but I guess... life gets in the way of fantasies sometimes, and it's really isn't our fault, when I think about it. I still think of you and wonder what you're thinking. I'm sure you're still hurt and angry just like I am, and I will try my best not to go back to the forum at least until next Saturday (not this week). Hopefully by then, we'll be both calm and not so emotional anymore. I doubt we would talk at all by that time either, though, so I have to understand that and accept that no matter how much it hurts deep down.

I love you. That still isn't enough to make things work, though.

I'm happy that I get to easily ignore you. Yes, the thought of you still makes me angry, but I can let it go quickly now. I'm not going to go back on the forum where we both frequent until maybe a couple of weeks from now. I need to heal, for me, not for you. I wish I could have had everything with you, but of course, your stupidity and your best friend had to f*ck things up between us.

Not my fault.

Hope your decision in choosing your f*cking friend was the right one, because you lost me for good.

Good riddance!

Day 35

I'm feeling okay as far as I'm concerned...

Day 34

He still infests my mind, but it's way way less romantic/sexual. If there was ever a minute where I DID thought of him in a romantic/sexual light, I would quickly replace him with some other guy.

Starting Monday, I will be absent from this forum for 2 weeks at the latest. I just need a break, is all.

Day 33

Things have become more smoothly now. The thoughts of him are getting less and less, and becoming less romantic/sexual. My anger is also subsiding. I am really on my way to a better place emotionally now, and it's great. NC is key, people! Keep it up!

Day 31

You know what's annoying? Thinking about them when they don't deserve to be in your thoughts. Ugh.

I have about 25 days left until I'm would be supposedly "over" him, according to that stupid broken heart calculator crap.

I'm thinking of taking a week or two off from ENA again, starting this upcoming Monday, so that I can quit reminding myself of my own break up in a sea of other peoples break ups. It's not healthy and I love to help out, but now I have to think about me.

I got that comment too...and it makes me so mad. It is so dismissive of my feelings. He should be glad that I miss him...not dismissive.

I know! How rude!

Day 30

Well, I completed one full month of NC. How do I feel... Well, NC is great because not only does it really calm down the intense, heartbroken feelings; It also clarifies the mind and helps us see what really happened. Not only that, but now I'm starting to see what a loser my ex really was. He had a great thing and he let it go out of fear and insecurities. Shame!

I refuse to contact him. Yes, maybe I'm a touch angry and bitter, but I have every right so. I have been nothing but sweet as pie to him, even the night he broke up with me in the most cowardly, immature way possible. (AIM break ups. Gotta love em!)

He has my number, and he knows my AIM screen name. And I'm sure as hell he knows where I live. If he wants to man up and contact me, he can. But let's just say, this pie is long overdue and it's starting to get rotten to the core!

Day 29

I am starting to feel a little angry when I think about how he handled things. There was one thing he said that really confused me when we were together... This one time, when we were supposed to hang out and he canceled for a really stupid reason, I told him that I can't believe he's doing this, and that he shouldn't do this because I miss him and want to see him. You know what that dolt said?! "Oh, we JUST saw each other a few days ago..."

Really? Then WHY did you agreed to the date in the first place, then? Why not just tell me, "You know what, I think we should move the date a day or more away from the one you suggested." I would have understood, but no, I'm suddenly the clingy one? Hell, he even thought he was a clingy boyfriend and I keep telling him that he wasn't... UGH!

He's so arrogant, especially around with music. He thinks he has the best taste in music than anyone, INCLUDING ME! I mean, really... Music bears no meaning to your relationships or friendships, dude.

Sigh. Whatever. Good riddance. Maybe we shouldn't ever be friends, he's too much of a big dummy anyway!

Day 25

So I took like, 10 days off from ENA, just to get some perspective without having run into sad stories of other peoples break ups since it makes me depressed too. (Apparently, break ups and the sadness of it all is extremely contagious.)

I'm doing a whole lot better. 5 more days till I'll reach 30 solid days of NC. Woot woot!

Day 15

It still hurts a little. I keep listening to this song, "Like We Used To", and it simply slays me. I need to stop hearing it... But then again, I should. I'm trying to purge all the bad feelings out. It's better to just rip the band aid off quickly, even if it stings a lot. I just hope that by day 30-31, I'll feel much much better...

Day 14

It's officially been 2 weeks. I'm giving myself another 2 weeks to feel pathetic and unmotivated before doing that "Enhanced No Contact" thing. Gonna make a thread now...

Day 13

Planning on picking up my guitar playing. I started doing that when I was with my recent ex... When he dumped me, I felt unmotivated (rightfully so) and didn't continued. But now, I'm willing to kick myself in the butt and try again. It would be so awesome to learn how to play a guitar. Maybe making music will make my entire situation (as well as for the rest of my life) feel 100x better now that I have an outlet for all of my negative, and the positive, feelings that will come to me.

1 more day till it'll be 2 weeks. I'm amazed at my strength to not break NC with him not even once, even if it was difficult and hurtful. Woot!

Day 5. She just broke NC. Said she's been praying for me and my mom who is sick. She said she knows I won't respond but... It's hard not to respond. I really love her. I justt can't let her put me through this every month. Either you're with me 100% or not.

I'm sorry. Just hang in there!

Day 12

I started talking to 2 guys yesterday. I must be crazy because they live more than an hour away from me. But... I don't care, I just want to talk to people, is all. I'm not planning to meet them or take them seriously. I have told them straight up about my situation and they understood.

Still, they are kinda weird. One of them is like a cold-hearted robot (I'm not talking to him tonight or ever again, lol!), and the other one is much nicer but I'm getting this strange feeling that he's not over an ex either even though he says he is. Soooo yeah, not gonna take his guy seriously. Too far, physically AND emotionally. But I don't blame him and I think he's a nice guy. What's wrong with having friends, right?

Anyway, about my financial situation... My dad is going to go to Virginia on his own ina couple of days. And then in 3 weeks or so, I'll be moving in with him. I remember taking that broken heart calculator and it says I'll be over my ex in 8 weeks. It's been 12 days since we spoke and since he dumped me. So according to the stupid calculator, I'll be over him on September 19. Great. 2 more days till it will be 2 weeks. 6 MORE WEEKS TO GO!

Day 11

I woke up and decided to check out something in my phone. I was shuffling through a list of all the numbers I've dialed in the past year. I scrolled down to this past summer and I found a familiar looking number there and in my heart, I knew it was his number (I deleted him off my contact list)... I rub my thumb over the screen lovingly before hugging my phone. I have no idea why I did that, but I just... Ugh.

Brings back so many sweet memories and I want it back more than anything... 3 more days till it'll be 2 weeks. Wish me luck!

Hang in there... we know you'll make it through!

I did it before with another ex, so I should be a champ at this.

Day 10

4 more days till it will be 2 weeks since we last spoke. No calls. No texts. I haven't logged on AIM at all. I'm still waiting for my dad's signal for me to start packing and to move away with him to Virginia. So I guess I found a couple of interesting looking schools to go to this Fall in Virginia, so there is some hope out of this whole situation.

We have our TV cable back. It feels weird watching television again.

I feel like the whole world is attacking me and I feel like I'm going to suffocate. I hate my depression more than anything right now, and on top of that a really bruised ego and heart...

Sigh. I'll try and make it, though.

Day 9

Well, it's official; I won't be moving to Texas. I have the decision to either stay here with my mom and the rest of my family, or go live with my dad to Virginia, which is 4 hours away by car. Granted, I should pick the latter... A new place means new opportunities, right? Sigh. What the heck am I gonna do over there, though?!?

5 more days till it'll be 2 weeks since Chris and I last spoken. Sigh...

Day 8

I swung by a place that him and I spent the day one time. It made me a little depressed but then I got over it as soon as I espcaped the place. Overall, things are slowly getting better... My family and I have about a week or so before we're getting kicked out of our home. For some reason, I have a feeling they're doing whatever it takes to stay here all of a sudden. It might be because if we left, my 17 year old brother will not come with us and this will break my mother's heart. So I guess they're trying to hold on (after many months of "giving up" my brother and wanting to move, but by then I was with my ex...) and it makes me even more depressed because... Well, I'll still be stuck in a place that's filled with nothing but haunting memories of my recent ex. Sigh... When am I ever gonna get a break?

Day 7

I completed one week. Still think of him. Tomorrow I will find out if either I stay here/live with my dad in Virginia, or all of us move to Texas. If it's the former, I'm going to be a little disappointed. Sigh.

There's so much I want to tell him, all the things I saw and read. It was so nice during our times together where I would show him pictures, videos, and writings about anything and everything, and I loved his inputs. I really miss that... I just miss having someone to talk to late at night.

Day 6

So it's NOT confirmed 100% that we're moving to Texas. Jesus, I hate this. Well, I'm happy to say I almost made a week without contacting him.

It gets easier, everyone!

Day 5

So it's confirmed. I'll be moving to Texas real soon.

I'm sorry you couldn't see what was in front of you, Chris. Good luck finding a girl as great as I am. Till then, I'm eating amazing steaks and doing peoples hair for life.

Day 4

Getting a little better. I just have to learn to not get stuck in that deep thinking mode... It's making me sad. :S

Day 3

Short term relationship with a 20 year old ended. He dumped me. I really felt that we could be together for a long while, if only he got rid of his insecurities.

Anyway... Today I seem much better already than the first day of NC. I'll be moving hundreds away, to Texas, probably on the first week of August. So that's exciting. There's so many Cosmetology schools there, and very prestigious ones as well. So I'm happy for finally going for my dreams and making myself happy.

I took this broken heart calculator the other night. Says it might take me 8 weeks till I'm 100% over him, and that's if I keep up with the NC, I'm assuming. Sigh... Oh well. Who knows what will happen in the future. All I know is, that we could have had something really special. Too bad he let it go.