KaylaJoy

still frustrated...still praying over it. Still feeling that sense of abandonment, still feeling slighted, ignored, still hurt over it all. Why is it sometimes I'm on top of the world and got it all licked, and other days, I wear the hurt like an old cloak; heavy.

well said, Dave.

(((luck)))) still smiling!

Hey Dave! Thanks for the encouraging words.

I'm doing ok tonight...it's day 14....I told a couple of friends today that i thought Mark had written me off....I don't know what he's thinking. It's still frustrating for him to tell me two months ago that I should "relax and trust" him, "have confidence" in him, when he gives me nothing to go on. I cried today over him, first time in a while, but it was OK, and I know God understands.

All is well.

Joined on to Facebook tonight, because I have several friends that have pages, and they had encouraged me too. It asked me if I wanted them to search my email address list for Facebook friends, and guess who has a Facebook account? Yep...Mark....he actually has his picture on it, which is unusual because he almost never will post his picture on MySpace. So of course i sent him a friend request (I can't snoop his profile without being on his friend's list!!)...

It's all a little bittersweet....I'm doing OK, but I still miss him, and though I believe this must surely be God's will, why is there still a little bitterness towards him (Mark)??...i still feel that sense of abandonment; don't know why.

It all feels a little weird now. If he does add me to his Facebook, I don't think I'm going to email him or message him, unless he does me first. I still believe NC is the way to go right now. Apparently he does too! :sad:

just said "hey stranger" .. And he signed off without an answer.

 

Dave, i have been honest with you what he "thinks" is really up, so i doubt he will make the 1st move *sigh*

 

this so sucks!

(((((hugs)))))

I realized today that not a single day goes by that I don't think of him. But I also realized that I don't hardly ever cry over him anymore. I feel sad sometimes, maybe not daily, but sometimes; over the fact that we went from where we were to where we are now. Sometimes I feel like it was wasted time, and I know they were wasted energy and tears.

I also feel bad because I realize that I no longer believe in him, and I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't feel so lost without him. But now I ask myself what did he really do for me? I think I was so in love with him, I didn't see who he really was until it was too late, not that he was a bad person, he's not....just that he wasn't what I need or want, and I couldn't face that. Sometimes it's still hard, but it's getting better all the time.

Rascal Flatts sings this:

I feel bad.....

that I can stand here strong, cold as stone, seems so wrong, I can't explain it....

maybe it's just I've cried so much....

baby I hate it...

I feel bad....that I don't feel bad. ''

This is chopped up of course, but you get the idea.

day 9...

went to the fair tonight, 2 years ago this weekend we were there, our last big hoorah - an amazing night, even by his own admissions. Now two years later here we are...he has backed far away, and though he says we are friends, I know really we are not. We are acquaintances, once friends, once lovers, now just two people with a history. It breaks my heart sometimes, but not as much as it used to. Guess that means there is healing goin' on in there somehow after all, huh?

Day 30

 

I also am now able to clearly know that it was NOT all my fault. Yes, I take blame in it, but I no longer feel the intense guilt he laid down on me. I take blame in talking myself into a relationship with "well, no one is perfect" instead of listening to my gut and stopping it before it became so intense. I let him break me down so far by letting him put the blame on me, that I had no self-esteem left in any inch of my body. I no longer feel that now and with the time of healing I am able to begin accepting myself again as a good person. I have much to offer, I have learned much from this experience and I know I will be a good partner for the right man when the time is right.

 

And I am learning to forgive him. I hated him that day he walked out. I felt that all of the love he had professed was lies if he could just throw it away to easily. Then my hate turned to simple intense pain and trying to accept that he was certain he didn't want "us". I questioned myself over and over again and would feel such anger at what he did. I hated that he took almost a year from me. I hated him that he was so strong and was able to not contact me, while I was continuing to die a small death daily.

 

I feel as though you crept inside my head and thoughts when you wrote this. It's exactly how I feel.

Now I am able to see the roles we both played in all of this mess. That I was not just a toy to him, that his feelings were genuine, that he is simply a very sensitive man, a man with abandonment issues, and we are a poor match. I forgive him for ending it because it really was the best for both of us.

 

I'm not quite there yet, I know he believes it was for the best. I'm not sure that I'll ever believe he did anything other than use me, and truthfully he really doesn't offer me anything other than he used me.

I still think about him every day and every hour, more than once. It still hurts beyond belief, but I am learning to accept it now. At times I still wish for it back, but what I wish for really wasn't what I thought it was. Sad, but so true.

 

I don't know if I will ever be able to be his friend. For now, it is still too painful to see him or hear his voice, and I fear I would be blinded again.

 

Absolutely...I'm learning this as I go.

As I have said before, when I can take that memory box down, look at the contents and not feel this pain, is the time I will perhaps test the waters on being friends. I am far from there, but so much closer than I was at Day 1.

 

Some days I don't feel much closer, but I guess I am. I no longer cry everyday. But I still feel the ache.

 

Kayla: Be grateful he does not want to be friends right now. It simply does not work this early in the healing process. God knows I tried, and all I did was hurt myself more and give him the "fix" that he needed. Clarity creeps in slowly as you maintain NC. Hugs.

 

You are so right Smiling. Every time I see him I'm right back where I always was. He knows this now; perhaps this is why he stays away. He no longer needs the "fix" which is good for me, because I am not strong enough to stay away on my own.

 

I used to listen to country music alot, and still have some choice favorites, and one from Brooks and Dunn that I can really relate to - "It's getting better all the time"...

"I don't stop breathing everytime the phone rings, my heart don't race cauz someone's at the door. I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call, I don't believe in magic anymore. I just don't lie awake at night, asking God to get you off my mind....It's getting better all the time."

 

 

Thanks Still Smiling....You go girl!

Yikes, Dave R! Man, I'm sorry for that big hurt! That stinks! Hang in there, keep posting! We're listening!

Day 5 for me. I'm still amazed, don't think I will ever get it, that he's seemed to have backed out of even wanting to be friends like he said just a few weeks ago. I must scare the heck out of him, to make him stay this far away.

And yet, I keep reminding myself there is a reason for all this. God knows, and I'm thankful for His Higher Ways.

Got a text this afternoon from John, the "ex" from last year (aka my rebound ex)...it was general, asking for prayer that he didn't scream at his exwife over an issue with the kids. Weird, I thought. I haven't been responding to anything he's sent me for months, especially since he has the new wife in tow. I didn't know why he was even still texting me. But a couple of weeks ago I decided to respond back, maybe take a small baby step towards being friendly, with he and the new Mrs. (Don't have anything against her - she's a casualty of the situation.) Not trying to be best buds, mind you, just cordial. Not enemies, at least.

Something was odd about this text though, and I texted him back and asked him if this was a blanket text, sent out to all his friends, or was he specifically asking me for prayer. His response was to say "does it matter?" if he sent it out to 10 people or just 1. I responded back and said "to me it does." Never got another response, which is fine. Truthfully I hope he doesn't. Maybe he will finally leave me alone, although I will say that I had finally gotten to the point where I thought I would be OK to be casual acquaintence-type friends again. What I'm not comfortable with is being part of his harem, as I always called them. His circle of women that he calls "friends", and he delights in their adoration and dependence of him.

I was actually considering emailing his new wife and telling her why I didn't want to be part of his harem, and assuring her that I was not being antagonistic towards her, I had no beef with her, and was fine with an occasional word from her and John at this point. But his response saying "does it matter?" shows me that he has not changed, he is still hard-hearted, and I do not feel like engaging with him in a war of words.

Hopefully he will drop it and leave it alone. I thought perhaps we might end up being friends again, wife included, but I'm thinking no at this point.

Interesting stuff. Not upsetting really, just interesting.

and i also sent her a text that said "It hurts seeing you, but it also hurts not seeing you. Being friends isn't going to work.")

 

Yankeefan, this is so true, and I'm seeing the evidence of this in my own life.

Yankee, stay strong. Remember the friends thing at this stage is only to ease the dumper guilt and have the cake and eat it too ... and for the dumpee to have a thread of hope to hold on to.

 

StillSmiling, you got it, girl. I never realized this until now, but the "let's be friends" thing is very difficult, and very self-serving for both parties.

day 2, all over again. I cried myself to sleep last night...sobbed for about an hour, then woke up this morning feeling bad over my pity party from last night.

I'm ok. just really want the space now, but still feel like if he were to call I would speak, just to be polite, I think I might be OK for the bridge to be burnt, but don't want it to go up in flames, and at my hand...maybe it will just smolder away by itself.

either way, he's cold and distant, and he gives me nothing - no energy, no positivity, no good feelings, when I do talk to him, I only end up feeling bad, and questioning myself, and wondering what's wrong with me.

I want to talk to someone who WANTS to talk to me back. That's not Mark. So what's the point?

Hey still smiling:

Way to go on getting angry! Feels good to take up for yourself doesn't it?! You go girl!

You won't know until you try, and now you know and by knowing, you can avoid the mistakes you made the first time around.

 

You're there because you did something wrong, probably out of ignorance but you can still succeed, you just have to keep trying until you get it right.

yup and yup on both accounts. I see soooo many mistaks I made with Mark. Like if I would watch it on TV I'd have to grimace and turn my head, I'd be so annoyed!

Unfortunately, at this point, I am so afraid to trust anyone, it's going to be awhile I think before I will let the wall down. I learned not to take a friendship and try to make a relationship out of it unless both parties are very very sure that's what they want (I was, he wasn't). I learned when he says he's not really into you and doesn't want to date you, LISTEN. Even if he's lying in your bed when he says it (which he was), if he tells you this ain't a love thing, LISTEN. I learned you can't change a man's mind or his heart if he has it made up. I learned that you can't "love" a man enough that he will change his mind. I've learned alot, the list could go on.

I also know no man ever touched my heart like he did. I've never loved anyone like I loved Mark, and if God has something greater around the corner, look out world, it's going to be amazing.

We were like two kids passing notes to one another during class. It wasn't just attraction, it felt like a genuine friendship too. It felt like we connected on so many levels and then things fell apart. That's why it's so hard to fight the urge to accept "being friends" with her. It felt like there was so much more between us in three short months then there ever was between any of the other girls I've ever dated in my life. But that ship has sailed.

 

Remembering these things, I feel both sad and warm on the inside. I guess it's true that it's better to have loved and lost then never loved at all.

I got that. The 4 months I spent with Mark were heaven and hell all in one. But in the end, on your "better to have loved...." note - I decided for myself today that if I could have the love I had with him again, and know it would end up like it has now, I would not do it. I would run, remembering this hurt. It wasn't worth it, as grand as it was, it consumed me and took over my whole life, and it wasn't worth it, because it nearly destroyed me, and our friendship is basically gone for what it was, and all I got out of it was a broken heart that two years later I'm still trying to mend.

Just a thought.

Footnote -

I've been trying to decide what I will do if 3 months down the road he does decide to call and want to get together, and honestly? I can't reason it out that far ahead. If I knew today that on November 3rd he would call me, I would probably take his call, but if I knew he wanted to hang out, I would probably make up a polite reason why I couldn't, and let it go.

That being said, I don't know how I'll feel then. Maybe I won't even take his call or return his email. Maybe I'll be so ready to put this all behind me, and I'll remember all the hurt I've faced because of my relationship with Mark, and I will.just.walk.away.

Maybe I will be superfine, and welcome him with open arms and a smiling face as if nothing has ever happened and no hurt has ever occurred. Maybe I will have forgotten all about the pain. I doubt it.

All I know is that I miss him when I'm not around him, but then on days like today when I do talk to him, I'm only reminded of how little I get from him. Not to sound selfish, but I have to ask myself this question: what does his presense in my life do for me? The honest answer? Right now, nothing but hurt. It's been that way for a long time.

As Madea (of Madea goes to Jail) says, "if someone wants to leave you, LET THEM GO."

Day 14 went kablooey. I broke it. Not sorry I did, I think I saw what I needed to see, but I hate that I have to start all over to get right back where I already was.

So I called him, just to say hello, to hear his voice, to reassure him that I wasn't "hostile" as he put it, in case he wanted to call or do something together, just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. He called right back, which is a biggie, since he rarely does that. But I needn't get too excited, he called while on his way to a friend's house, so that was an easy out for him to get off the phone, which he did pretty much promptly as soon as he reached their house.

The air was so very apparent from our brief conversation that he hasn't thought of me, hasn't missed me, has been busy "doing nothing" with his buds, isn't calling me because he doesn't want to call me. All these things were said unspoken, if that makes sense. It was as if he was doing his polite obligation by returning my call, but I got no sense of warmth or fuzzy feelings from him, only polite cordiality, and then he hung up so he could go "run errands" with his best friend.

I asked myself what do I want? Do I want to continue to make an effort with someone who tells me to relax and trust him, that he is my friend, yet this same guy has used me, emotionally abused me, ignored me, seldom calls or iniates contact on his own, is always too busy to spend time with me, and the last email I got from him a month ago said he would call me sometime for a "hang out" but it would be on his calendar, not mine. Do I want to keep trying? Is this sadness, sorrow and pain worth it?

No, it's not. NC starts afresh today, and as of today, I am done trying. I think that's the right thing, and I think that's what the Lord wants.

I love the Lord, because He sat and just let me cry today, no beating me up for calling- just let me cry, and I know He understands. I'll cry for awhile, and one day I'll be strong again.

I have seen this scenario before, and it's not pretty. Kudos to you for remaining sane through this whole process, and my heart goes out to you. You are obviously not faint at heart, you have a lot of strength, which is evident in your post. I pray you find peace and comfort in Christ somehow.

Your husband? He has made a huge mistake, that in time he will regret, trust me on this one. In the meantime, take care of you and those kiddos, and you will be blessed.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. :sad:

Day one too many....

OK, really it's day 13 I think. Or is it 12. Seems like it should be alot longer.

I miss my friend tonight. Don't care about the romance in particular tonight, just miss my friend...miss hanging out. Talked to his brother tonight on the phone, and apparently I'm not the only one who hasn't seen him around; his brother says they haven't seen much of him either. Eases the brunt of neglect a tad bit, but doesn't really matter in the big picture I guess.

When the pain of the memories dies and the tiny voice that still hopes for reconcilliation shuts up is when a true friendship may be possible. But you can't rush it ...

 

What a great piece of advice! Thank you StillSmiling!!

day 8...tonight was hard. I fought hard not to call, text or something. Instead I called a girlfriend and had her talk me down from the ledge. I missed him alot tonight, but not anymore than any other night. I just see so many missed opportunities for us to be together, spend time together gazing at the stars from my front porch swing, watching movies, hanging out on the porch talking til 5am like we used to, fishing at a friend's pond, watching Craig Ferguson like we love to do on late night TV....all these moments pass by, and I sit and wonder where he is, and why isn't he here with me at moments like this, and then the shocking realization hits me once again - HE ISN'T HERE WITH ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH ME!!

I realize that he has given me two choices....be his friend from afar or not be his friend at all. I don't like either one of those choices. I'm not comfortable being his friend from afar (aka only hanging out once ever 3 or 4 months or so - when he can "squeeze" me in"), but I hate the thought of not being able to be friends with him at all. I also realize this is a very familiar scene - the dumper, not wanting to be the bad guy, or the cold hearted shrew, says "oh but we can still be friends", but what they really mean is "I don't want you to be mad at me or think I'm a total fraud so I'll say we're friends but that doesn't mean we're going to act on it"!

I'm confused and have spent more than a little time in prayer, seeking God's Will in all this. I believe God can make my heart come under subjection to His will, and that's what I pray for. Because between me and ya'll, God knows I ain't likin' either one of the choices Mark has left me with. And if this is as good as it gets, then God help me to find the "good" in the getting!

so im realizing my deepest fear.

he doesnt want to talk to me.

he doesnt care.

and he doesnt need me in his life.

 

yep, that's about where I'm at too....sucks, don't it?

Day 11 - I am in hell. I wont call her or contact her there is no use. That would make this all worse. 2008 will forever be my worse year ever. I lost my wife of 20 years in May, and today I heard two songs that started the day of totally wrong.

 

She never cried in front of me by Toby Keith and

 

Better as a Memory than as your man by K Chesney.

 

to make matters worse, Had a huge fight with my roommate who is the Godfather of my Kids, and my Best friend.

 

They say bad things happen in threes, what's left to lose. My son, My Parents or My life. Getting to close to the bottom of the barrell. Dont know how much more I can take.

Dave - remember what I told you....PRAY! He'll listen, I promise.

Haven't heard the TobyK. song, but don't you remember Mark just called me two weeks ago and said when he heard Better as a Memory that he thought of us? Tore me apart too! BOOOOO KENNY, for putting that dreadful evil song out there!!! BOOOO, I say!!!!

Do you not have custody of your daughter? You mentioned losing your son, but not your daughter?

Hang in there, and post on ENA 30 times a day if you need to, someone will listen and respond, and like still smiling said....this is just a bad day, that's all...there's a good one coming around the corner up ahead, like your weekends with your buddy or your son that you've been having.

This too shall pass! Eventually!!

you just sound like a lovely woman. mark is missing out. i think what makes things so hard is that we have this need for control. it feels good when you realize you just have to give it up and hand it over. i'm struggling with that, too.

 

i'm at this point today where i feel a little afraid that i won't ever see him again. i know some people will scoff at something like that, as we weren't together very long at all. but i haven't had a bf that i enjoyed and felt so comfortable with since i was very young, and its so hard to know that i have to let that go. i try and comfort myself knowing that whats meant to be will be.

 

xoxo gg

thank you gg...

I understand your sentiment about being afraid you'll never see him again...I have had that fear in the past, not really so much now, but right after our breakup I almost had a panic attack over being afraid I'd never see him again, which is ridiculous really because his family and I are so close and we hang out all the time, so chances are sooner or later I would run into him.

Isn't your breakup relatively recent though? It makes even more sense when you have that fear especially when it's a recent loss - it's still very new, and you sit around wondering what you're going to do now that he's not there. I used to sit around and try to remember what I did before Mark and I became Mark and I, and I couldn't even think about it. We had been in our comfort zone for so long, and that merged into a relationship, and then back out just 4 months later. Now, two years later, and another whole relationship later, I'm still healing. And grieving at times.

WOOT!

 

And while I miss him, my eyes water sometimes with the sadness, may I continue to live my life without him in my thoughts, life, and arms; gracefully and with dignity.

That was beautiful!

I second that emotion!