CrapAtNC

Wow! I passed the month mark about three days ago and didn't even realise.

That's good, of course, but I'm wondering if that means it's completely fizzled.

Just over three weeks now, and doing great. This is the first time I've really wanted not to call her more than wanting to.

Sometimes chat with her friend, and she tells me she doesn't like the new guy and more and it's now over. Her friend asked - almost in desperation, it seemed - if we would my ex and I would get back together. This was pretty novel, as, in the past, when I was doing all the chasing, she just kept advising me to move on.

Anyway, no contact with the ex until she contacts me first, in which case I'll be friendly and fun but nonchalant. That's my goal.

Good luck, all.

By the way, this might help some of you:

Some Good Reasons for Going NC

Nineteen days and easy for ex number one.

Two days for ex number two and not so easy. Don't know why; I'm actually more attracted to ex number one.

Two NCs . . . that's pretty sad, isn't it. ](*,)

OK, Day 4, which is pretty good for me. Previous best was three weeks.

I think I'll smash that this time, as I really don't want to contact her.

Ho hum ...

See username.

She became much friendlier after 11 days of complete NC, and now she's coming to work for me.

NC might be a bit tricky now, what with there only being three members of staff in our office. ](*,)

Sorry, guys. I let you down. But I'm happy we'll be working together. We can rebuild our friendship from there. I have no ambitions other than that.

For what it's worth, I'm certain that we would be together by now if I had gone complete NC from the start. Oh well ... add another one to the ex-become-friends club. :splat:

Jesus Christ, dude, that cats business is so pathetic.

 

No hard feelings.

No hard feelings at all. It's all pathetic, I know. I'm crap at this stuff. ](*,)

Thanks to my counselor, I am learning to accept and process my feelings in a more practical way. When I left the bar last night, I felt my ex had become more distant than ever and that she really wanted little to do with me. I shouldn't be feeling this way about her, I know, but I do and I have to deal with that.

I had my phone on silent at the driving range, and was amazed to find when I crept into bed at 2 this morning that she had texted me just after midnight, mentioning she couldn't find me after the show, thanking me for offering to take care of her cats, letting me know that someone else was looking after them, and asking if I enjoyed her performance. I was shocked, because I felt she really wanted to stop having little communications with me.

I had been analyzing my feelings just before I saw the message and realised that most of what I felt was in my head. The text then confirmed that. I broke NC again. ](*,) I asked if I could call her, and she immediately replied (hasn't done that in a while) asking if I could give her half an hour first. I replied I would be sleeping, that she looked fantastic in what I did see of her salsa performance, and that she could call me if she wanted. Ten minutes later she replied asking me to call.

Now, I realise this isn't the place to be talking about how I broke NC, but it helps me deal with it, so you'll just have to put up with my ramblings - sorry. We talked until after 3 am. It was nice. She was friendly and fun and laughed with me. She mentioned something that I had done wrong recently, and I just accepted my mistake without making an apology. Then we went back to joking around and having a nice chat. I never thought we'd be able to do this again. I miss her. I miss our late night chats. I miss making her laugh.

What was even more remarkable was that she had to get up at 7 this morning to go on her work trip, and our chat was seriously encroaching her sleep time. But it was me who ended the conversation, not her. She would have talked forever. She always used to. I appreciated her sacrifice.

Apologies to all for living up to my username and breaking NC again. Clearly, though, that I did last for 11 days seems to have reawakened some friendly feelings in her, and I think maybe she was even missing me. She unblocked me from Facebook after 7 days of NC.

NC really does work. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to go the distance to get all this uncertainty out of my life and be able to move on properly; other times I just want to maintain a friendship with her. I love this girl. It's not all codependency. I've examined that. The codependency made the break-up more difficult but it isn't what made me fall in love with this unique lady ... and still have feelings for her.

I've decided to go LC in order to maintain our friendship. A while ago, she wanted us to be friends first and grow our relationship from there, but I refused, suspecting (correctly) that there was a rebound guy in the wings. i'll keep doing my thing, working on myself, enjoying my freedom, and being open to other relationships, but I'll still maintain a modicum of contact with the ex, as I like it, it makes me feel better, and she obviously feels the same way.

I realise I'm probably accepting defeat here, but I do so happily. I loved talking with her last night. I'm also aware that one day soon you'll be reading a broken-hearted post from me about how she had found a new boyfriend and how I wished I had maintained NC, but I accept that. I accept everything. This is my way of moving on. I was going NC to win her back - foolish, I know - but now I don't need her back. I want to be able to enjoy our funny, friendly, flirty little chats in the future. Maintaining contact will make that happen; NC won't. I think.

Anyway, sorry to waste bandwidth or whatever you call it. I'm just getting my feelings out. Just when I thought I had lost her as a friend, as someone special in my life (I have several special female friends, buut she means the most to me), it seems she is once again interested in sharing little moments with me, and I like that. It was a nice surprise.

Good luck all. Use stronger duct tape on me next time.

She hinted to me on MSN that she'd prefer it if I would look after her cats, so I took the bait and entered a brief conversation with her. She said she'll decide later if she wants me to take them.

While she was online, I asked if she was going to this salsa performance thing at a friend's bar tonight, and she replied she was busy preparing for her trip. So, I go to watch the performance, thinking my salsa instructors were in the show. But the ex walks in, all dolled up and sexy to perform. We nod at each other, but that's all. I can't understand why she would give me the impression she wasn't going to be there, then turns up to perform!

She looked great. Then I noticed some guys oggling her, an done of them looked like a guy who I think she likes. Probably wasn't, but I started to feel that panicky kind of jealous, so I left just as they started the show.

Went and hit some balls at the driving range next door and considered my feelings. I felt a little angry that she had not lied but deliberately not told the truth ... again. And I was a little hurt and annoyed that she didn't even say hello when she came in. Also frustrated that she didn't let me know about the cats.

Then it finally dawned on me that she was exactly the same when we were together. If we got back, this would be the relationship, and this is how I would feel.

I have grown a lot since the break-up. I'm still working on some aspects of myself, but overall I'm pretty happy with who I am. But I realise now that, unless she also changes, we would be doomed to break up pretty soon after getting back together.

Maybe she would improve because I wouldn't be making it worse this time. But maybe is maybe. It certainly isn't certainly. So, I'm now more accepting of the break-up, and resolved to moving on. I hope we can be friends, but it'll be difficult right now.

*sigh*

I'm ready to love and be loved again. Wonder who she will be ...

surfjon, I got a lot out of your post. If you can be that strong when you have a 19-year relationship break up and have kids involved ... well, if you can do the NC thing as well as you are, then so can I.

You're doing exactly the right thing - best of luck to ya!

She found someone to look after the cats, so I can go back to moving on now ... ho hum.

Why not block and delete her, its hard but I did it to my ex, after a few days you forget a little and then it cannot wind you up so much hun.

Thanks for the input, bubbly. It's been hard enough just not contacting!

For me, I am over the break-up, over the pain, over the heartache, and I have been working on myself and really enjoying now making myself and my work the focus of my life. If I block her completely, that would be because I am having a hard time with it all, which I'm not. Plus, I am open to reconciliation with this lady, and so I leave the door open. She's not the best one at communicating, so I don't want to make it any more difficult for her to do that.

I will respond nicely but politely to all communication from her. That's it.

Not sure if I'm presenting a good argument here ...

Duct tape! Duct tape!

After more than a week of appearing offline on MSN, today I came online a couple of times so she could contact me re. the cats ...

Be strong, Crap. Be strong!

Thanks, TMinCali!

I see you're right. I was going to ignore the calls or refuse to take the cats (last time she told me it was a business trip but she was also going away with the rebound guy). But I can see that, as she would be making contact and also wanting to see if I have changed, I should do what I want to do, which is look after the cats with no questions asked, and be bright and cheery about it, which I am now anyway.

Let's see if she contacts ...

Thanks again.

More than a week! Woo hoo!

But, her MSN sig says she's looking for someone to take care of her cats - I guess she's going away on business again. That means I'll be getting a call soon, as I'm the one who usually looks after her cats. Not sure what I should do. She looked after my cat when I went away. Any suggestions?

Doing OK today, but need to go take my fish oil and vit B supplements, as I'm feeling just a little sad ... :sad:

I'm doing OK!

Still doing OK!

Not bothered about what she may be thinking, who she might be seeing, how she might be feeling. I'm actually enjoying the novelty of having my day and thoughts directed by my self, not someone else.

I'm pretty sure she won't get in touch now. Originally I thought she would, but now I think she's as tired of all the pushing and pulling as I am. I think we have petered out and I'm accepting of that.

Good luck to her. All the best to me.

Can't remember how many days, but only four or five, I think.

Feeling much better this time. Not missing her. Now wanting her. Feel great about myself. Been working out, sleeping better, eating healthier ...

I think I'm going to make it this time. ... Doing it totally for me.

OK, I've been trying to do NC for such a long time, but as my username implies, I'm not very good at it.

Inspired by my ex's friend to try dating my ex again and build from there, we went out for a short trip yesterday, and it was nice - and in fact great fun. But I feel it is actually a big step back from where we were just a couple of weeks ago. She still has feelings for me, as she has refused to see me alone until I stop dating another woman, but I get nothing more from her about us.

I've realised that NC is essential. There's no point trying to build something from so low down. The truth is that I would have to be doing all the work to make the relationship successful, even as friends. So, I'm promising you all to give NC my very best go this time.

I just sent her a message on MSN because I have to give her something, and she ignored me (she wasn't busy, as she logged on to Facebook shortly after). I realised that I don't want stupid games. I want an honest relationship. The way to do that is to go NC , to either (a) make her put some effort into making any kind of relationship between us work, or (b) move on to the kind of relationship I deserve.

I'm already working out and looking and feeling better than I have in a long time. I'm already dating other women and really enjoying it. I've changed my look, increased my confidence, learnt how to salsa, and basically becoming the kind of person I should have been a while ago.

So, today is Day 1, and intend to keep the counter rolling all the way to 30. Don't wish me luck; I don't need it. I'm doing this to put all the water under the bridge so I can start again for myself.

Cheers!

Blessedchild, when I tried doing the delayed-response thing with my ex (the way she does it to me) it brought her running every time. Go for it! Sit back and see how the tables can turn.

She must feel threatened by you. Take it as a compliment and then put it aside, where it belongs.

I admire your ability to stay in NC for 5 months. You're an inspiration!

Hi, Bdhod1.

I'm just like you. I'm 39, and I have good days and bad days since our split in March, and I too have sudden panic attacks and nothing can stop me reaching for that phone to call the ex.

Of course, when we're in that frame of mind, it's the worse time possible to talk to them. No matter how we try to cover it up, we sound needy, and that will only push them further away.

I've given up on NC. I'm crap at it. I am on LC, it seems.

But I have just started dating again (first one later today and I'm hoping this will give me the strength and distraction to break out of this push-pull relationship I have with my ex and to help me move on ... for me. It should be a fun date, and, ironically, it's with an ex. We'll see.

Hang in there. Accept that there will be good days and bad, and realise that you are getting better and accepting the situation more and more each day. Best of luck!

8 Days! (not including my minor relaspse)

Well, the last two days have been strange. I still miss her. I still like her a lot. I still love her. But I only just came to the realisation what NC is really for (took me a while considering it's plastered all over the forums here!). I have been too focused on her the last week or so. I've been checking out her Facebook and also whether she's on MSN and what her little message is.

Well, this morning I decided to block her on Facebook, which means I also can't view her page. It's OK. I feel alright about it. To be honest, knowing too much will only make things worse, whichever way they turn out, so I'm happy with this move.

I also blocked her and her best friend on MSN and deleted them from my contacts. That was a brave move, as there's no going back now. I'd need to add them as contacts, and they would be alerted to me doing that. So, from here on, it's all about me.

It's not easy, but it gets easier every day. I'm a good man. I deserve someone who can give me love properly, and if it's not her, then so be it.

So, week two, here we go!

Try reminding yourself that it's almost always when we have completely moved on that they get in touch.