Girlygirl2007

I am going to call BS on this defunct logic. It reminds me of the argument that everyone is capable of murder yet there are people out there that are such passivists that they wouldn't even defend themselves if it was the only way to save their own lives or families.

 

Some people wouldn't go through with having an affair under any set of circumstances. I know I wouldn't. Due to the trauma my entire family endured thanks to my father's infidelities, I would much rather put a gun to my own head than follow in his footsteps. Seriously.

 

I have heard phrases like this before and it's pretty much spoken out of a need for validation. "Everyone would do XYZ (just like I did) under the right circumstances." However, that simply isn't the truth.

I used to feel this way, too. 7 years of marriage and 2 kids later (and a father who broke up her family through infidelity), I came VERY CLOSE to breaking up my marriage because I got emotionally involved with someone else. It is really important to never say never, because you will face many temptations in life.

This is coming from someone who is very strong in her beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. I might get flamed for saying this, but remember that life is difficult and you never know when you'll get thrown a curve ball. Sometimes, even the strongest of us fail.

So, I'm wondering if one can cheat without any physical contact? For instance, if your partner is talking to another person (of the other sex if hetero) everyday for an hour about intimate things (i.e. work problems, emotional issues, relationship problems), going out 1-2 times a week with this person for 4-5 hours (i.e., shopping, movies, dinner, pub, antiqueing, etc. ). is this cheating. What if you tell your partner you feel uncomfortable with the growing depth of this relationship-is this posessive? What if your partner tells you, "I understand your concerns, by you have nothing to worry about he/she is married." What if your partner is increasing spending less time with you to be with the other person? Is this cause for concern?

It IS Cause for concern! I am married, got close to a coworker, and came very close to breaking my marital vows because of this relationship. Thankfully, it ended (it was painful), but the fact that I am married didn't seem to be what did us in. If they are spending that much time together, it is a very real possibility it can develop into something else.

Cheaters tend to defend themselves by saying it is their spouse/gf/relationship that's not satisfying enough (whatever). This always leaves the other person wondering what they did wrong, and doubting themselves. This is not always the case, but usually.

 

I believe it is the person, not the relationship. If you are unhappy in a relationship, fix it, and if you cant, leave it and move on. Don't cheat.

 

If you want sombody else, dump your current gf/bf and go for it.

 

cheaters have very low moral values, and respect for their current partners to be able to do this to them.

 

I saw sombody post the other day - "cheaters are always sorry they cheated, but they are usually even more sorry they got caught!"

 

 

OK, this post could have been written by me.... just a few months ago.

Now, my story is different. And so is my perspective.

 

I am married, have been for 7 years. I have two beautiful children out of this marriage. Fast forward from our honeymoon until this point, and we were stable, happy, living life in the moment. Sex life was not great, but we have two kids, so I chalked up the lack of sex life and connection with my spouse to our hectic lives.

 

Then, I get a new job. I work on projects closely with my colleague, a handsome recently divorced guy, younger than my husband. We become friends. We notice each other. Try not to say anything. Work together 8-9 hours a day, emailing, messages. Then, one day, a little flirtation, the next, we're talking about life's deepest topics. So.... we start sharing information as if we're DATING, or at least beginning to date. The only hitch? I am MARRIED.

He feels guilty, I feel guilty. But it feels so GOOD to have someone notice you. For him and for me.

 

Finally, he starts dating someone. By this time, we have not consummated our thoughts and desires, we have only spoken of them. I am 100% jealous that his attention is going to another (gasp! available) woman. I break it off with him, telling him this is not fair to anyone.

 

So.... short moral to this long story is that I have learned never to say NEVER to anything, because if I do, it's almost sure to present itself to me somehow. I am glad it did not work out with this other person, because I am working on rekindling my relationship with my spouse, and I am happy I did not break my vows. But now that I have experienced this, I can honestly say I do understand how infidelity happens... and I also know firsthand how destructive it can be, having watched my father cheat on my mother, and how it dissolved their 30+ year marriage. The thing is... chemistry can strike between two people at any time.... and it's what you choose to do that counts. I just feel lucky that my situation resolved itself without me having to make terribly hard choices, because I guarantee if we had consummated our relationship, I would be in a world of hurt right now.

 

My two cents.

Girlygirl2007

Hi there, new here

Was looking for information on the net regarding just this topic. I recently had a very similar situation occur in my life, and am facing just as much angst as you are regarding my close call with infidelity. I am seeking counseling, simply because I now realize that the "near affair" I had was really a wake up call to tell me that there are some things going wrong in my marriage. I am now being counselled, and hope to get my husband to join me at a certain point. As far as the hurt generated by the "breakup" of your extramarital relationship, I am starting to realize, only 5 days post "breakup", that I was addicted to the excitement of having someone admire me again. After 2 children and a stressful 7 years of marriage, I was really happy to have someone admire me again. It made me feel years younger (I am 37, and am feeling that this must be a mid-life crisis as well) and, well, honestly, it made me feel SEXY again. I am learning how to channel that "sexy" feeling back into my marriage, and I am hoping to rekindle some of the spark that has been lost between my husband and I.

As I told my extra-marital "friend", the notion of being 40-something, single and with two small children sent me reeling with fear. I am not ready to be a divorcee, so I simply had to break off my affair before it got off the ground. So, out of something that could have been very devastating, I am taking some good kernels to help my relationship at home.

I hope that helps you. And remember.... you can be addicted to people and emotion, so find a method that helps you kick the addiction. If your self esteem is low, you will continue to go back to this guy, who is continually rejecting you. (and about this, I speak with experience!) So, make an effort to go do something new with your husband to get your mind off this other guy.

Hope that helps! I hope you feel better soon.

Girlgirl2007